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dating with a disability

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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for that interesting slightly off topic battle g_angel and firesilk!

    meanwhile on planet earth..............

    ;)

    I've decided I will be honest and open with all girls I exchange emails with. I'll start off with by saying I have a serious condition which I manage phenomenally well, which I do; I work full time, go to the gym 2 times a week before work and pilates once a week in the evenings and have a very active social life. I practice Reiki every day which is great for energy boosts along with the energy boosting gym work outs. I'm also an Arsenal season ticket holder which in my opinion could be more of a dealer breaker!

    I'll let the emails (HOPEFULLY) to and fro after I reveal I have RRMS (relapsing remitting MS) and get to the bit where I say I need the walking sticks to help maintain my balance when walking long distances. short distance are manageable when I really concentrate on each step!

    then we'll see what the reaction is like. I'm quietly confident because one of the girls is a nurse and the other 'wishes people would accept people the way they are' which could suggest she has a disability/condition herself.

    we'll see. will update the thread in due course.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for that interesting slightly off topic battle g_angel and firesilk!

    meanwhile on planet earth..............

    ;)

    I've decided I will be honest and open with all girls I exchange emails with. I'll start off with by saying I have a serious condition which I manage phenomenally well, which I do; I work full time, go to the gym 2 times a week before work and pilates once a week in the evenings and have a very active social life. I practice Reiki every day which is great for energy boosts along with the energy boosting gym work outs. I'm also an Arsenal season ticket holder which in my opinion could be more of a dealer breaker!

    I'll let the emails (HOPEFULLY) to and fro after I reveal I have RRMS (relapsing remitting MS) and get to the bit where I say I need the walking sticks to help maintain my balance when walking long distances. short distance are manageable when I really concentrate on each step!

    then we'll see what the reaction is like. I'm quietly confident because one of the girls is a nurse and the other 'wishes people would accept people the way they are' which could suggest she has a disability/condition herself.

    we'll see. will update the thread in due course.

    Good on you mate :) I hope things work out!


    ... and you can't beat a good inter-planetary battle on a Friday afternoon :D
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats fantastic rara, its good to see youre manageing it so well and youre not letting it beat you. I think if you talked to someone and explained it beforehand then they have more time to come to terms with it and think about it/research it themselves before making their decision.
    I must admit if i was on a date (and looking for something serious i assume by the fact that its via dating sites) and i found out all of a sudden that the guy had a serious degenerative illness, then it would throw me a bit. Im not sure if id want to let myself get too close. I hope that doesnt make me a bad person. If someone i already loved had something bad happen and then required a lot of care from me, then i would cross that bridge when i came to it, but i wouldnt purposely go into a relationship where therewas a very real possibility that i would end up their full time carer. Maybe there are different degrees of it and to be fair I dont know a lot about it, but my cousins dads wife has MS and he has to do everything for her, she has no control over any of her body, no language, she doesnt even have control of her eye muscles for communication anymore. That would be a fear for me if it was going to be a long term relationship which is what id be looking for.

    On the other hand there would be plenty of people who wouldnt be as narrow minded and pessimistic as me, but vetting people by at least letting them know in advance saves you wasting a lot of time and energy
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you are making the right decision to bring it out into the open.

    It's not something you should be ashamed of and you sound as if you are managing it exeptionally well and do more activity that some fully able bodied people I know.

    I have to say that I agree with G-angel and Scarey Monster that some people will not want to date you based on your disability and thats a valid choice.

    We all chose to embark or continue with relationships based on our own personal preferences and how the other person fits into our lives. I am sure that when you do get to meet the people you have contacted that are aware of your condition the dates will be far more enjoyable on both sides.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thats fantastic rara, its good to see youre manageing it so well and youre not letting it beat you. I think if you talked to someone and explained it beforehand then they have more time to come to terms with it and think about it/research it themselves before making their decision.
    I must admit if i was on a date (and looking for something serious i assume by the fact that its via dating sites) and i found out all of a sudden that the guy had a serious degenerative illness, then it would throw me a bit. Im not sure if id want to let myself get too close. I hope that doesnt make me a bad person. If someone i already loved had something bad happen and then required a lot of care from me, then i would cross that bridge when i came to it, but i wouldnt purposely go into a relationship where therewas a very real possibility that i would end up their full time carer. Maybe there are different degrees of it and to be fair I dont know a lot about it, but my cousins dads wife has MS and he has to do everything for her, she has no control over any of her body, no language, she doesnt even have control of her eye muscles for communication anymore. That would be a fear for me if it was going to be a long term relationship which is what id be looking for.

    On the other hand there would be plenty of people who wouldnt be as narrow minded and pessimistic as me, but vetting people by at least letting them know in advance saves you wasting a lot of time and energy


    there are 4 types of MS;

    Benign - it's there but very inactive.
    Relapsing Remitting - relapses occur every so often causing a sensory/muscular/emotional/mobility issue but often go into complete remission.
    Primary Progressive: relapses happen all the time but 50/50 whether or not remission occurs every time.
    Secondary Progressive: relapses happen all the time and no remission occurs.

    The MS Society, which i'm a member of, is on a huge kick to raise awareness of MS. that's the main issue with MS, people tend to think of wheelchairs, etc which is not always the case.

    Apart from my balance issues and weaker right leg everything else is fine. the sticks cause the biggest shock. when out and about people tend to stare, i normally ask those that stare a bit too hard which stick they would like and where! not rude, just cheeky, it's my personality, always will be. afterall, laughter is the best medicine! in fact i'm the first to take the piss out of myself just to defuse the situation when meeting someone for the first time. 'yeah i know having MS is a bummer but it could be so much worse...........i could have MS and be a spurs fan!'

    I always have a smile on my face and am extremely easy to get on with, i'm pretty good looking and very confident too. i know i'm a great guy but have an illness which is mine all mine and we get on fine as long as he doesn't annoy me. i eat/drink/sleep very well and i'm adamant i will get better. Reiki is something i believe in very strongly and in the 9 months or so that i've been practicing on myself it has slightly improved my balance. lets see what it improves in the next 9. oh and female friends that have ended up crashing at my place and have slept next to me always say that they've had the best sleep ever. yep Reiki passes from me to them!

    gone a bit off topic with the Reiki but at the end of the day i have extremely high self esteem and have RRMS. if the girls i meet aren't strong enough to deal with it then fair do's. their loss!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    see thats interesting. I didnt know any of that. I just assumed it was one disease so thanks for the info.

    I guess it proves the point though that if someone asks in advance then they could find out more, and theyre more likely to take it in if they have it written in front of them than if they hear it for the first time and are reeling from the shock (because of preconceived ideas) on what they thought was gonna be a hot date.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    see thats interesting. I didnt know any of that. I just assumed it was one disease so thanks for the info.

    I guess it proves the point though that if someone asks in advance then they could find out more, and theyre more likely to take it in if they have it written in front of them than if they hear it for the first time and are reeling from the shock (because of preconceived ideas) on what they thought was gonna be a hot date.

    yeah which is making me want to tell everyone from now on. will definitely dispel the looks of disbelief from now on!

    the MS Society campaign will hopefully get into top gear soon!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well rara doesn't sound like you'll have any trouble getting a bird, you may have trouble keeping them though because of your team ;) - Did lol at your spurs fan comment!

    <
    Hammers fan :p

    Cheers for the thread I found it interesting and it's made me question myself about how I would be dating someone that had a serious disability and how I would like to be treated if something should happen to me. Something this site hasn't done in while! :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Depends what you define as a disability, I suppose. There's all sorts of definitions for this word these days. Some people would classify depression as a disability, for example. I think we all need to concentrate on what we can do, rather than what we can't do. The original poster is very open about the fact he has multiple sclerosis. Good for him. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and anyone who refused to even consider going out with you because of it is an idiot, frankly.

    If you consider it an important factor in your life, you should tell the other person about it. A couple of years ago, I met a young woman in a temporary office job that I was doing. When we went out for a few drinks after work one Friday night, she mentioned to me that she was a single mum. I could tell from the look on her face that she wasn't intending to tell me this - her face simply read "oh shit, I've lost another one". When I told her I wasn't remotely bothered by this fact, she really cheered up. You are who you are, and if other people cannot accept this, it is they who have the problem.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote: »
    Depends what you define as a disability, I suppose. There's all sorts of definitions for this word these days. Some people would classify depression as a disability, for example. I think we all need to concentrate on what we can do, rather than what we can't do. The original poster is very open about the fact he has multiple sclerosis. Good for him. It's nothing to be ashamed of, and anyone who refused to even consider going out with you because of it is an idiot, frankly.

    If you consider it an important factor in your life, you should tell the other person about it. A couple of years ago, I met a young woman in a temporary office job that I was doing. When we went out for a few drinks after work one Friday night, she mentioned to me that she was a single mum. I could tell from the look on her face that she wasn't intending to tell me this - her face simply read "oh shit, I've lost another one". When I told her I wasn't remotely bothered by this fact, she really cheered up. You are who you are, and if other people cannot accept this, it is they who have the problem.

    it is a huge factor in my life. and you're right i should mention it before meeting up with potential dates. i accept it as a disability as it does mean i can't do things that involve running as my leg muscles have 'forgotten' how to run and my balance is shit, however after alcohol consumption the muscles relax somewhat and my worries about tripping and falling over disappear! saying that, these days i have such a high level of awareness of my surroundings that on a good day i can see behind me! Also alcohol for MS patients should be available on the NHS!

    i'm incredibly open with my MS and have no problem explaining my illness (i own it not the other way round anymore!) to whoever if i deem the person to have a genuine curiosity. i guess all this time (2 months) of online dating i have felt that being a supremely confident guy, i can always explain about my "wooden ferrari's" when i meet my date. and if she is open minded she will not only see that i am a great guy and also someone who is incredibly determined in his battle against his illness.

    i've been blowing my trumpet about myself loads (erm that sounds filthy!) but my nurse and physio have asked me if i'd like to go on the EPP (Expert Patient Programme) in order to advise other patients with illnesses on how to cope and exchange best practices, because they both think i am amazing! :blush:

    lol! :) i know i am!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its great to see such a positive mental attitude about it!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its great to see such a positive mental attitude about it!!

    :) i don't know any other way to be! :yippe:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    its great to see such a positive mental attitude about it!!

    I have to agree as well.

    All you can do is tell the girls your intrested in about it. Some will be put off by it for various reasons but that will be their loss not yours. By being that determined to look after yourself and have a good time, then your onto a winner already.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok, personaly, if i met up on a date with someone and they had MS, if they were that nice a person and good looking then i really wouldn't care.

    I have several disablities, which you wouldn't realise unless i told you (or you saw me having a fit or a panic attack), and they can really have quite an effect on how i relate to people and such. They have effected my dating ability (i seem to no longer be able to pull, i seem to only get sleazy guys coming on to me that seem to just want a fuck), and the nice guys i seem to end up being too forward and scaring the shit out of them...

    the charity outsiders, i've had some contact with them, they organise a workshop called sweet talk for people with aspergers/high functioning autism/dyslexia/dyspraxia/tourtettes and other neurodiversities. it works on the social aspect of dating which a lot of people with the above conditions have difficulties with. I'm sure that outsiders do other events for people with other conditions.

    hope that helps a little
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's just me but I would be not 100% open minded if I knew that my date has a disability. I think my motherly loving instinct would kick in and I would not be able to see your other attributes so well. I have met guy with TS recently and I did not know about it until we have met. It did not bother me at all as he was really great guy. To be honest too great for me not to want more than friendship with him. Unfortunately I have got my disability (I am married) I don't think I would feel same about him if I new about his TS before hand. I he would told me I would feel that it is an issue and problem for him but in reality for him its not and it looks that you are dealing with it equally positive. I don't know but that's just me I guess and also I am bit mental and like people with differences. Because I feel different too. Good luck you sound like really nice guy.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    your disability is being married?????
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was trying to be funny. Sorry. No I have a very low confidence with people and my abilities. I put my self down to much and at the moment suffer badly from depression. Meeting the guy with TC did not help as I was clearly taken by him and A. he would not touch me as I am married and B. it feel really bad that I would even contemplate being with him. But I think that its part of my condition. If someone that great gives me time and likes me than I am not able to resist it. I would like more - It makes me feel better. I hope that I don't sound really bad. I just have few issues at this stage.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry, Edis - What's TS?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it's Tourette's Syndrome. I have Tourette's and I've never for a second thought it would get in the way of a relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes it is. Well I guess it depends how bad it is. It can affect his mobility at times and there is also some other stuff that comes with it like self harm in his case. I do think that lets say if I was looking for date and I was informed prior about it and I have read about it. It would change how I would feel on the actual date. But that's just me. I do think that I am very open minded but I think sometimes to much and read into things to much so I know I would have formed some ideas about him prior the meeting which would be regarding his TS. This way we met and I thought what a great great guy and who give a shit if he cant walk properly sometimes and spills a drink on me few times.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I must admit if i was on a date (and looking for something serious i assume by the fact that its via dating sites) and i found out all of a sudden that the guy had a serious degenerative illness, then it would throw me a bit. Im not sure if id want to let myself get too close. I hope that doesnt make me a bad person.

    I don't think it does make you a bad person.

    G_Angel makes an interesting point and I do understand where he's coming from.

    As someone who has a disability, (which is only obvious if you stare at my eyes for a bit) I would mention it, but it wouldn't be the first thing I'd mention. If someone did ask, I would explain it to them. Very few of my friends (even the ones I've known for years) know fully what my disability is. (some just know it's related to my eyes, but a lot more complicated than needing glasses)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi rara, I think you have a really good attitude with your disability, I've enjoyed reading your input into the thread. Personally, I find it a bit upsetting the thought people would choose not to date based on a mandatory disability. I'm not angry at those people it's their decision and it's perfectly valid, but it bothers me in some way. My family and extended family have nearly all the debilitating illnesses I can think of at various stages and I have thought about what if it ever happened to me.

    The people throughout my life I've fallen in love with, it's not been because of how they look, or because of anything specific, it was just the person. I can understand why people 'vet' so to speak but for me, I don't think I could look at someone and say 'definately not going out with her' because they were in a wheelchair or something. But that's just my perspective on things, its difficult to put into words really. But I think your attitude to everything is really positive, made me smile :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    update

    i've told one of the 2 girls about my MS and she's been fine about it. she's a nurse and one of her friends has MS too so she's had some exposure. she think my lifestyle and attitude towards my MS is amazing and she thinks i'm incredibly brave and strong.

    we're still chatting and i'll probably ask her out on a date sometime next week.

    conversation with the second girl is slower but i;ll know when the time is 'right' to tell her too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    update

    i've told one of the 2 girls about my MS and she's been fine about it. she's a nurse and one of her friends has MS too so she's had some exposure. she think my lifestyle and attitude towards my MS is amazing and she thinks i'm incredibly brave and strong.

    we're still chatting and i'll probably ask her out on a date sometime next week.

    conversation with the second girl is slower but i;ll know when the time is 'right' to tell her too.
    You should bottle what you've got and sell it :D hehe
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    lea_uk wrote: »
    You should bottle what you've got and sell it :D hehe

    wish i could!
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