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Arranged marriage
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi my name is Chandni. I'm doing a two week work experience placement at TheSite.org. I've been asked to write an article on arranged marriages and wondered if you guys could help me out. I don't have any first hand experience myself other than my grandma reminding me all the time about all the single guys my age in our community:banghead: . If any of you do have experience I'd love to hear from you. If you have experience but wish to remain anonymous then you can private message me.
Anyone else who wants to voice their opinion on arranged marriages feel free to do so. Do you think it's a good idea? Would you mind having an arranged marriage? Has anyone you know had an arranged marriage? How did they feel in that situation?
I just want to clarify as well that I'm not talking about forced marriages which are, as I'm sure you all know, totally different. Although I wouldn't mind hearing what you think of those, i'd like to keep the focus on arranged marriages as much as possible.
Anyone else who wants to voice their opinion on arranged marriages feel free to do so. Do you think it's a good idea? Would you mind having an arranged marriage? Has anyone you know had an arranged marriage? How did they feel in that situation?
I just want to clarify as well that I'm not talking about forced marriages which are, as I'm sure you all know, totally different. Although I wouldn't mind hearing what you think of those, i'd like to keep the focus on arranged marriages as much as possible.
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Comments
I don't know loads about them - but i do know that they are mostly a bit like your parents acting as a dating agency and trying to set you up with suitable men - but that if you don't like someone they are supposed to not force you to marry them - and I guess becuause they mainly love you and want you to have a nice life they do try and find people who they think you would get on with.
Plus i have also heard that although there are not always sparks - to start which - which is unsuprising as your usually set up at a family dinner party - more people than you expect do end up loving their partners.
I used to work with a girl who when she went back to India her parents would spend the whole time trying to set her up with suitable men.
However i would say that in the indian context i've had more experience of people who have had love matches which are very unusual - - but i think that becaus they are unusual people are more inclined to talk about them - if that makes sense - one was a Christian and a Muslim and the ohter was a collegue who married a girl from a higher caste - even though he had a good job things were still very difficult with her family.
I know a lot of people who have had love marriages and it is often difficult to get your way. A lot of families still worry about the social implications of sons and daughters marrying outside of caste or religion and it can turn into a war when you've fallen in love with someone that doesn't conform to these ideals.
My cousin, for example, got married to a guy from a different caste, that just happens to be one that my caste have a 100 year old feud with. She found it incredibly difficult to break away and is now often completely isolated at family events. Whether or not it was her choice to be left out of family matters i'm not sure but what I do know is that when another cousin,who happens to be a boy, got married to a girl of the same caste as the first cousins husband (are you following because I think I got lost somewhere in that) he had an unfairly smooth ride.
I guess the old boy, girl divides come in to these kinds of situations as well.
Thats interesting and unfortunately true in some cases.:(
It seems to be that if a man rejects a women that is fine (she probably dserved it) but if it happens the other way around the women is accused of being to proud and fussy which then makes it difficult for the future.
It is mostly the mother of the man that seems to be the biggest threat in these cases. As it is she is prouder due to the fact that she has brought a "big, strong" son into the deal rather than a daughter which seems to give her the upperhand.
Having your son rejected by a "lowly women" is a major insult and she would often retaliate by dragging the girls name through the dirt. Usually this might be as simple as saying that the girl is proud and thinks too highly of herself but could also be as severe as saying that she has has numerous relationships with men outside of wedlock. In most eastern cultures being accused of losing you virginity before marriage is a huge problem as it will lessen if not illiminate any chances of you finding a good husband.
My experience, and that of most of my relatives was slightly different. What I like to call 'agreed marriage'.
Up until I actually decided I was ready to marry, relatives other than my parents were constantly suggesting suitable girls in the community. I managed to shrug all of them off. Even some that were suggested by well respected religious leaders weren't quite what I was looking for and thankfully my parents supported my decisions in not having to pursue them. My parents are actually very conservative in their views, but still realised that my happiness with whoever I married was most important. They kept their input to the knowledge of families and whether there might be any friction in future.
When I did decide I was ready, I suggested my wife to my parents, who agreed that she would be a good match.
The process was something like:
My parents sent the 'official' proposal to her family. She was informed by her parents that I wanted to marry her. She agreed with her parents that she wanted to marry me. We had our engagement celebration about a week later, had some time to reacquaint ourselves and were married about a year after that.
Of course it helped that my family already knew my wife and her family, as we lived on the same road and had attended the same schools.
Meh, was discussing this all with my mum last week, her sisters all had arranged marriages to people they don't really get on with well today. Mum says its still better to have that - to be forced to be with someone and just ensure that things work out rather than today's culture of falling in love, marrying, falling out of love and divorcing. I beg to differ.
In India there is annecdotal evidence that some families are getting round the sex ration problem by having one wife for a number of brothers.... Though there is not the one child problem there - many familes are opting to have fewer only male children becuase of the problem of finding a dowery for a girl amongst a number of things.
I always find reading the matrimoial sections of Indian newsletters amusing but deeply disturbing at the same time.
If you married one of the girls that your relatives or religious leaders suggested, then that would've been an arranged marriage.
*I'm just clarifying for everyone else*
I dunno what an 'agreed marriage' is. I'm presuming it just means that all partys must agree on the marriage (ie, your parents and her parents). That could happen in a love marriage and an arrange marriage.
In an ideal arranged marriage, the child would trust their parents to find a suitable match for them. Someone who has a similar outlook to life, similar morals, manners, etc. The parent knows their son/daughter better most, and the parents usually have all the 'contacts'. ie they know a wide network of fellow aunties and uncles whose sons and daughters are looking to get hitched.
Some people find it strange that two people who haven't dated or lived together could get married, but if they both have similar manners and the 'compromise' attitude then the foundations are in place. People who choose to pursue the arranged marriage route tend to follow the... It's better to love the person you marry than marry the person you love... philosophy.
My sister had an arranged marriage, and she's happily married with 3 kids. I went to a wedding last month which was arranged, and I've been to many more in the past.
Arranged marriages are really suited to cultures where dating numerous people before you come across Mr/Mrs Right isn't encouraged.
Imagine that, your parents already knowing your other half's family secrets, not spending a lifetime searching for that someone, as the parents in your life, the people who have known you and watched you develop (infact, probably the only people who know you more than you know yourself) get to choose a suitable life partner.
Plus, saves a fortune on going out to clubs n pubs and all those places you "try" to meet someone, as you'll be sat in your lounge with mom and dad, and the person you're being introduced to, drinking tea and making smalltalk.
I kind of like this idea too, as it kind of gives off the sense that the two people believe in their parents ability to know them, and trust them to not let them down.
Also, to try at marriage, in a day where all too many people are giving up at the first sign of a barrier.
Or you're comatose.