Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.

Does a self confessed relationship guru fancy having a look at my situation :p

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Ok, to keep this short (I wrote it out once but got too long).

I went out with my girlfriend, there was some cheating on each other, we split up around november last year, I still love her. I hooked up with one girl which I felt terrible about because it was kind of a conflict of internal interest. Right now in order to not make any more 'mistakes' I'm trying not to get involved with anyone and I'm worried it might affect my long term happiness, though I am happy being single.

In a perfect world, I dunno, I'd either get back with my ex or meet someone else who I could feel something like that with. Don't get me wrong, I get on with some girls really well but it's that magic that's missing and I tried ignoring it but as you get further down a line with a girl the contrast with my ex becomes too big to ignore. It practically feels like cheating, which is preposterous I know, but there we are.

I just can't find myself properly attracted to anyone, and I can't work out whether I need to do what I did after my first serious relationship ended - just push myself out there and enjoy talking / flirting with girls (but most of my friends who are girls have got older and to the age where they are suspicious rather than able to flirt as friends etc. because they've got their own boyfriends, or just narky and think obviously every guy is onlyafteronething, cynicism sucks - although I've found peculiarly flirting with my male friends elicits no such hostility :chin: ). Or, the alternative, is bide my time, wait for my feelings to subside and be happy in general and accept that when the time is right, I'll meet someone.

I'm happy doing the second, but what if nothing happens because I didn't make it happen. I've seen it happen to my friends where they are too scared to make anything happen, just waiting, and I hate to say it but I think if you sit on your arse waiting, nothing will happen. But maybe for me, personally, time is exactly what I need, because every girl I know - I might find them attractive - but I don't develop feelings for because the feelings I already have are so strong.

I don't know. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok..firstly I'd like to say I'm by no means a self confessed relationship guru, but I'll answer you anyway :p

    It sounds to me as though you're not over your ex and constantly compare new girls on the scene to her.
    What you have to remember is that you didnt just know your ex the way you do until you were around each other for a considerable amount of time.

    Just relax, it'll come. Same advice goes to all those actively seeking a relationship actually, learn to be comfortable by yourself and learn what makes you, you. Then when you have a better understanding of yourself you'll be a much more attractive offering to whomever might come along at whatever unexpected time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know what makes me, me though :). It's just whenever I meet anyone, I can get on with them, but the spark is never really there. And I can carry on... but as I get closer it becomes more obvious to me the spark isn't there, because it was there (and still is to be fair) with my ex. *shrug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    as I get closer it becomes more obvious to me the spark isn't there, because it was there (and still is to be fair) with my ex. *shrug*
    Exactly my point made above. Until you get rid of the hopes of getting back with your ex and rid of the 'shes the one for me' mentality its unlikely you're going to click with anyone else imo..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Right, I've entered the stage where you are single and isolated and bored and lonely. Yay.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You realise that by thinking you are isolated bored and lonely you are more likely to get a stronger sensation of those emotions right?
    Get out of the house! Seriously, best thing you can do is just keep busy all the time, how many times have you found yourself being surrounded by mates but feeling all those things? my guess is not many.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're right, its more of a practical problem at the minute though. I don't have all that many friends really. I mean, I do, but most of them are busy most of the time or just can't be bothered hanging out heh. We normally meet up once a week or so, I went round my mates on monday and I think maybe we're going out tomorrow... point is what about tuesday wednesday thursday saturday sunday when im on my own.

    I know my above post sounded quite emo, but it wasnt supposed to. I think it was the mental closing of a door in my mind, and realising that because all of that stuff with my ex is gone, I don't actually do much myself to keep me occupied and to keep me company. If it was the sims, I have social and fun needs :p
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey shyboy,
    Sounds like you're experiencing a bit of a dip right now. Like icey, I don't claim to be a relationships guru, but something I type now might help a little.

    I think you're really sensible to not rush into anything with someone new - especially, as you mention, there's a sense of internal conflict in terms of your feelings for new girls that you meet. Until you've resolved your feelings about the past relationship I think it will be tough to move on. I would seriously recommend reading 'how to mend a broken heart' by Christine Webber. I've read it from cover to cover and can honestly say it's one of the best I've come across. You can buy it discreetly from Amazon.

    In times like these, meeting and making new friends can be as much of a buzz as meeting a new girlfriend and can really help build your confidence.

    As always, you seem to have a lot of insight into your own situation - you're having quite a few lonely evenings and this is getting you down somewhat and to me it sounds like you've realised that's the bigger issue here - rather than necessarily wanting your ex girlfriend back, so it's time to be as pro-active as possible in filling your time.

    Take good care and as always - keep posting. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks helen, good tips. I think I'll pick up the book, and at the same time work out some kind of thing to do that is free and not isolationary (like computer games!). Went out last night which was quite fun but nothing in the calendar now until the end of this month!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Spontanuity ShyBoy!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *Ashley* wrote: »
    Spontanuity ShyBoy!

    Spontanuity costs money :razz:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    Spontanuity costs money :razz:

    As does dates in the calander! :razz:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *Ashley* wrote: »
    As does dates in the calander! :razz:

    Touché..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just ordered that book *helen*, I need it right now
Sign In or Register to comment.