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Tough Love

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am 33 years old and have been in 4 year realtionship, this is my 4th long term realtionship and is going the same was as the others. My problem is that it all goes good for first few years and once the honey moon period goes and I move in with them it goes all wrong. I also tend to fall head first and want to be with them all the time and then after few years i get bored and fall out of love with them. The love just dies.
How do people who have been together for years maintain that same level of love because i can't do it. I want to do it but it just dies. When the love is gone what is left or if I maybe stuck it out would them feelings come back. I am going through realtionship therapy at the minute with my partner who basically don't talk, have our own lives, don't go anywhere together, don't hug, kiss or of late make love, it's all just gone rubbish when in the beginning it was so wonderful, we were 2 peas in a pod, with had fun, we could not keep our hands of each other, why does that feeling have to end?
2 years after we met i got depression and had to go on Prozac. Prozac kills your sex drive and sedates you so your don't care about anything or anyone but now I have stop taking it I still don't care about anyone or anything. But I would really like to get those feelings back as I really like this one and think I would be gutted to lose him but I am just pushing him further and further away until he will go and that makes it easier for me as it's his decison. Whay did it all go? How can I get it back? Will this keep happening for the rest of my life. All my friends are married and settles down, I am 33 and have never been married or had children as I have never been settle enough to do it, but time is ticking and I don't want to end up alone with nothing because I have the inibility to Love.
I ahve been hurt allot in the past and i think I have just got so hard to love that i don't see it as something wonderful, i see it as something painful and oush it awy as it's easier not to love and that way you can't get hurt. Anyone else like me out there as it's a very lonely place to be.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Apologies if this comes across slightly cheesy but I really do think that this is relevent to your post.

    A quote from Captain Corelli's Mandolin;

    'Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.'

    My tuppence worth... well Louis de Bernieres tuppence worth anyway :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Awesome quote
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Reading the quote gets me every time.

    I designed my wedding invitations and the image had this quote in italics towards the back... the beauty was noone necessarily knew what it was (unless I told them) but it meant the world to me.

    I wasn't very impressed when I discovered the quote in a book of 'popular wedding quotes'... at least read Captain Corelli and discover it for yourself!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To the OP:

    From what you're writing I can see three possible causes for your relationship going "down the drain".

    First, you write that you want to spend all the time together in the start/first part of the relationship. Imo, this is a mistake done by too many, you simply can't keep the sparkle up when doing that. I'm not saying that everything should be sooo great and roses in the street whereever you go when being in love with someone but "the sparkling fire" when you are with your partner is undeniably important in the beginning. After all those kind of feelings are the very means of making to people get together in the first place.
    So, see and do things with your friends/family as well, don't "give up" the rest of your life even in the beginning in the relationship. Spend some time apart too, for many, this can even extend the period of feeling in love.

    Second you mention depression, which is often a cause of bad relationships. Does he know about it? If not, it might be a good idea to try to talk to him about it so he knows it's not him that's the cause of you being depressed. Also (easier said than done, I know) try to do some positive stuff with your partner. Take a small vacation somewhere. Visit the place you got together. Do things that brings out positive feelings, while still trying to avoid doing the things that make you sad.

    Third, you say that previous relationship affects your current one. Try to look for the signs and traits that distinguish this one from previoues ones even if they have some common factors. Even if it's hard to see you're not with the same person any longer. Apart from the diagnose of depression I do think this is the most crucial part in order to avoid that everything becomes self-fulfilling prophecies.
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