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Adoption

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey im 20 and was adopted (closed adoption) when i was 7 months old. i never know what to say when people ask my opinions of it as they are very mixed. my mum was 15 when she gave birth me and in a steady relationship with my dad. it was mainly her parents that decided i was to be adopted. my whole life i have thought about her (my earliest memory is of asking my adoptive mum about her) and when i became a teenager i basically spent every night in my room dreamin about her, reading through all my adoption letters, searching on the intrnet for her & resenting my adoptive parents for 'stealing' me. my adoptive parents never did anything to make me feel this way - they have loved me for 20 years as their own and given me an awesome life but even if they were the worlds perfect parents it would never have stopped me thinking of my real mum. as a teenager i had 'imaginary friends' who were older girls that were in a position of care - babysitters, prefects at school ,etc. imy 'best friend' knew of this and would constantly tease me, leading me to privately believe that i must be a lesbian (i am straight - these feelings have now disappeared since finding my mum). a social worker i have since spoken to said this is incredibly common, especially in girls who are 'missing' a mother figure.

when i turned 18 i couldnt take the 'not-knowing' anymore and began the search for my mum. a few months later i found her using a specialist adoption agency and we began writing, e-mailing and texting straight away. we met a few months later. im still amazed at how similar she is to my 'dream mum' and old 'imaginary friends' and we get on so well. the only issue is that she has a young son. i still really struggle with my feelings towards him. its almost like being jealous but not of him - of his life. its hard to explain but i feel so upset thinking of her putting him to bed and waking him up and being there for his 1st day of school, etc. obviously her life has changed significantly in 18 years and she is now in the position to provide for a child but when i think about what we've missed together, all common sense leaves my head and i get so worked up and emotional.

i met my real dad a few months later and things r so different with him. i hadnt really thought about him growing up - i was so obsessed with my mum. he also has 2 young kids and while i sometimes look at them together and feel slightly sad, it is nothin in comparison to the sadness i feel when with my mum and little brother. 2 years later i am well settled with my dad and his family. i get on well with his wife, my brother & sister, his parents & extended family and have no problems at all with them. my adoptive family are all pleased for me and have been wonderful and supportive throughout. its just my relationship with my real mum that i still have issues with.

my mum has a new partner who i cant stand her spending time with (even tho he's a nice guy who really cares for her), shes now pretty much a single parent to my brother so theres even less chance of us having time alone together and i still spend most of my time thinking about her. ive read about adopted girls havin inappropriate feelings towards their real mums but i dont have any of that and never have - i can just think and dream for hours about being with her now, in the past and in the future. i feel so stupid and selfish for not being happy when i have 2 mums and 2 dads who love me and i love all of them so much but i just cant accept my past, move on and be happy.

ive spoken to 2 social workers and a counsellor about my adoption/reunion and they have all said its still a relatively new situation so things should settle down with time. this has happened for everyone else involved, except me. im so scared im going to lose my mum all over again unless i sort myself out but i just dont know how.

im sorry about my ramblings i didnt realise how much id typed! i considered sending you this in a pm but i'd like it to be public as i know how hard it is feeling like you're the only adopted person in the world. if there are any other adopted peole out there or just anyone who has been affected by adoption in some way then i would be more than happy to talk more about my experiences and listen to others. thanks for creating the opportunity for me to get all of that off my chest tweety! x

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry i didnt realise this thread was so old.... i guess its pretty obvious im new at this! x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I came accross your post pretty randomly, in fact I came accross this thread pretty randomly, and I can say reading it has put my own problems so much into perspective.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sorry i didnt realise this thread was so old.... i guess its pretty obvious im new at this! x

    Well, at least you had something constructive to say. :)

    Welcome, by the way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    maybe a mod could make it into a new thread or something?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh i loved your post dreaming_of_change.

    i'm adopted but from about 8 months so i never knew anyone but my adoptive parents. when i was about 19 my parents gave me information about my real parents, and i saw pictures etc, that was mad, and i found out about my heritage as it was a lot different to what i believed it was!

    anyway, i had always thought of my real dad, so the opposite of your situation, because he sounded so similar to me in the adoption papers, we enjoyed the same things are we look alike (from what ive seen from the picture of him anyway). anyway, i dint do anything about it until last year and then i contacted him via his sister on facebook, then by email. we sent a few nice emails and it was nice to hear from him. then i was absolutely devastated in january of this year as my adoptive father died, and that was pretty much the end of any contact with my 'real' dad. my adoptive dad loved me so so much it was unbelievable i was a daddy's girl and though he never said anything i knew he was upset i had contacted my biological father, and now i wish i could take it back.

    i think you need to just realise how incredibly lucky you are to have basically 2 sets of parents that obviously love you, i know that sounds patronising but i took mine for granted and didn't realise until they were gone.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    maybe a mod could make it into a new thread or something?

    Nice idea. Welcome dreaming_of_change. :wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for all your messages - i really appreciate it. I was so nervous about posting that but it feels really good to have done it!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know this will probably sound really weird and stupid but my mum just told me her and her boyfriend are off to some island near cuba for 10 days next week and its got me really worked up. Its always such an effort for her to get time off work and find someone to look after my brother in order to meet with me even for a few hours every 6 weeks or so (she only lives 20 miles away from me) but this guy can just ask her to go away for 10 days to some fancy island and its no problem! We've said for 2 years now that we need to go away for a night or somethin but ive still never even spent more than 6 hours with her and shes my mum - i just dont get why its such a problem to orgainse being with me but not him. Everyones always telling me how ive made all her dreams come true by coming back to find her and i know shes happy i have but sometimes its like she doesnt care at all. I feel like more of a nuisance to her than someone shes thought about being with for 18 years. Her boyfriends totally loaded with boats, houses, cars, etc and im just a student with a part time job in a bar - theres no way i can compete with him. That makes my mum sound dead shallow and shes not really but i know if asked her to take 10 days off work to just spend time together with me theres no way she would so why will she do it for him? I just don't get it and i know im going to find the next 2 weeks really difficult while shes away. Last night when i was walking home i was even wishing that id be mugged or something so that she wouldn't go away - i mean how mads that?! i dont understand my feelings or thoughts anymore and feel like im going crazy!!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,

    I haven't gone through any of the experiences you have so can't pretend to know exactly how you are feeling. However, I do think your feelings are probably common for someone in your position. You've had years of conflicting feelings about your mum and a lot of your thoughts revolving around her etc. and I think it will take a long long time to adjust to the person she actually is and the relationship you will actually have with her, as opposed to the mum you thought/dreamed about for all those years.

    It sounds to me like you feel really possessive of your mum, and get feelings of jealousy towards her other child and her partner. This is understandable given the circumstances but I think at some point you will have to acknowledge to yourself that your mum is an independent person with her own life and her own family. That doesn't for a second mean that she doesn't care about you or want you in her life now, it just means that she is probably never going to be the fantasy mum that you hope for.

    Going away with a partner on a holiday is a normal thing for someone to do; you shouldn't take it as a personal affront and I think you need to examine what you said about competing with your mum's boyfriend because I don't think that is necessarily a healthy way to think about things. Your mum's relationship with you, her relationship with her partner and her relationship with her other child are three completely separate things; it isn't a case of you having to prove your worth against the other two in order to get attention from your mum. All mums everywhere have their own lives and their own priorities, even when they have really good relationships with their children they will still want time away from them, time to themselves or time spent with their partner, but that doesn't mean they don't value their children.

    It is likely your mum has her own thoughts and feelings about your relationship; maybe she is really glad you are back in her life but at the same time she may find things difficult herself and have feelings of guilt to deal with, or you may be a difficult reminder of bad times and difficult decisions made. Again, this doesn't mean that the two of you can't have a good relationship or that she doesn't care about you, it just means that she is a real person and that you both have things you have to overcome.

    I do hope things get easier for you. I'm sure if you've spoken to social workers etc. about this then they will have given you the best advice because they do have lots of experience in these areas. I think these things just do take a lot of time and it doesn't matter if everyone else seems to have adapted, it is still normal for you to feel a bit conflicted or confused about stuff and hopefully with time things will become a bit better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi,

    Interesting read. I don't have anything really constructive to say other than I think things like jealousy are 'normal' with any parent and their partner, in any circumstance.
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