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Friend taking wrong path

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have a friend who is going down a dodgy path in her life at the moment. She isn't particularly nice to be around at the moment. Had a break from her for a while but I don't particularly want to loose touch with her completely. I am trying to find a happy medium with her. Myself and another mutual friend have tried to help her out but she doesn't want to help herself it seems or take into account what we are trying to do to help her. We have come to a bit of a dead end now. Seems a dead loss. It's a shame to watch someone go that way. We are hoping she will eventually wake up but not convinced really. Guess just may have to let her be for the moment. Mutual friend is getting a bit negative about the situation and we do spend a lot of time talking about our friend in common which I am not convinced is such a great thing but we are sort of supporting eachother over them but in secret as they have issues with their separate friends knowing eachother. This I reckon stems from their constant need for attention. It is all a bit crazy sneaking around when we are all just friends and adults. Seems ridiculous that I am even laughing about it now. Guess it is better to laugh though. As a result of us hanging out we have the missing pieces to teh puzzle I guess you could say it has made things a lot clearer. Anyways...they reckon I am better off without her friendship which they have decided for themselves but I know it is completely up to myself. Thing is with her it is very difficult to have an average friendship could say. It seems it always has to be intense and full of constant drama or it is nothing. Not sure what to do. Basicly they seem rather depressed and have been out of work for months, have money problems and are spending their normal working hours having various short lived relationships with really really shit dodgy people. The lies have become worse and more apparent of late, they are rather self centred so you are probably thinking why would I want to be their friend like many others. But they can be lot of fun when they are at their best. They just seem to have lost all sense of ambition in life. It is quite sad and depressing to be around.

Comments

  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Crumbs wrote: »
    But they can be lot of fun when they are at their best. They just seem to have lost all sense of ambition in life. It is quite sad and depressing to be around.


    Hey Crumbs,
    Sounds like you've thought long and hard about this situation and so whatever happens moving forward - whether you manage to keep the friendship going or not, you can rest assured that you've tried your best.

    The section I've quote above seems to sum up the crux of the problem - when you know people are capable of being great to hang out with, but generally make you feel unhappy - at what stage do you let go, if at all?

    It sounds like you've already made a good move distancing yourself to some extent, but it sounds like talking about the situation quite regularly with a mutual friend is getting you down. Have you aired this with the friend in question? Would it be worth suggesting the two of you try and do some new things together to take the emphasis away from said 'depressing' friends?

    You may find it helps to read TheSite.org's article on how to be a good mate as a reminder of what we tend to look for in friendships and to see if this girl even comes close - by that I mean if she was reading that article based on how she treats you - would she be able to say 'yes I do that' to many things on the list? If being fun to be around at their best is all you have left, then there's absolutely no shame in cutting your losses and moving on.

    I hope this helps a little. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey thanks that was useful :) I definately have more of a two way relationship with this mutual friend at the moment. She has unintentionally pushed us together. I don't think she is capable of giving much back to anyone at the moment the state she is in. She may have possible mental health issues. It seems bad though when you just end up feeling sorry for someone. She has pushed everyone away. When we were at her flat the other day we had been hanging out prior to that but we ended up feeling we had to check up on her. In the end we wished we had stayed where we were as we were having an enjoyable evening. She has said some incredibly nasty things to our mutual friend who has really been there for her through thick and thin as I have. Seemingly used them for money, when it is her own fault she has no money. With me has expected me to come running all the time but does not do the same for me in return. And has always had a habit of interfering with my love life. The latest one she ended up trying to become friends with and hanging out with behind my back when I had no idea what was happening with them in terms of a relationship. I have no idea what has been kept from me or said about me. When I explained to her the other night about how I feel I have been led on by the person in question she did have a twinge of guilt on her face for being in contact with them. As my friend has said they would make a great couple. If only they were attracted to eachother!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    in exactly the same situation.

    my best mate of 8 years has recently started with drugs, ale, being a general nobody

    hard to watch, but i tried for months to reason with her, all to no avail

    found out today she got arrested last week, so she seems to be getting worse

    unfortunately, i'd say you need to cut ties. I aint sure what path eactly your mate is going down, but if it is anythin like my mate, she will find a way of ivolving you without meaning to (ask for money, make excuses to parents, give alibis etc)

    good luck :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Littleali wrote: »
    in exactly the same situation.

    my best mate of 8 years has recently started with drugs, ale, being a general nobody

    hard to watch, but i tried for months to reason with her, all to no avail

    found out today she got arrested last week, so she seems to be getting worse

    unfortunately, i'd say you need to cut ties. I aint sure what path eactly your mate is going down, but if it is anythin like my mate, she will find a way of ivolving you without meaning to (ask for money, make excuses to parents, give alibis etc)

    good luck :)

    hey sorry you are also having a difficult time with a mate. ive known mine 20 years...she is involved with people who are heavily into drugs, crime etc, she just goes from one to the next. she may get nicked one day just being involved with these people. she has dragged me in once or twice to meeting these people. i really didn't like what i saw and am not planning on meeting them again through her. i dont even want to speak to them on the phone. she is bad enough, they are far worse. even get the feeling she is being passed around them, they seem to know eachother. i am definately keeping my distance a great deal that is for sure. if she wants to see me i will make sure it is on my terms.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Crumbs wrote: »
    I have a friend who is going down a dodgy path in her life at the moment. She isn't particularly nice to be around at the moment. Had a break from her for a while but I don't particularly want to loose touch with her completely. I am trying to find a happy medium with her. Myself and another mutual friend have tried to help her out but she doesn't want to help herself it seems or take into account what we are trying to do to help her. We have come to a bit of a dead end now. Seems a dead loss. It's a shame to watch someone go that way. We are hoping she will eventually wake up but not convinced really. Guess just may have to let her be for the moment. Mutual friend is getting a bit negative about the situation and we do spend a lot of time talking about our friend in common which I am not convinced is such a great thing but we are sort of supporting eachother over them but in secret as they have issues with their separate friends knowing eachother. This I reckon stems from their constant need for attention. It is all a bit crazy sneaking around when we are all just friends and adults. Seems ridiculous that I am even laughing about it now. Guess it is better to laugh though. As a result of us hanging out we have the missing pieces to teh puzzle I guess you could say it has made things a lot clearer. Anyways...they reckon I am better off without her friendship which they have decided for themselves but I know it is completely up to myself. Thing is with her it is very difficult to have an average friendship could say. It seems it always has to be intense and full of constant drama or it is nothing. Not sure what to do. Basicly they seem rather depressed and have been out of work for months, have money problems and are spending their normal working hours having various short lived relationships with really really shit dodgy people. The lies have become worse and more apparent of late, they are rather self centred so you are probably thinking why would I want to be their friend like many others. But they can be lot of fun when they are at their best. They just seem to have lost all sense of ambition in life. It is quite sad and depressing to be around.

    It's never very nice when you feel like your friends have given up on you so maybe you should distance yourself from her but still be there for her. Also discussing her does help but she probably knows you're talking about her which might make her be a bit off with you. Try not to judge her and try to help her instead.
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