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G/friend against abortion ??
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi
Apologies if this is a strange question, but would it bother you if your partner was completely against abortion?
Although i know the risk is small, i'm terrified of the thought of having a seriously disabled child which would be completely dependant on me for the rest of my days. I admit that perhaps i don't know enough about this, and don't even know what is tested for during pregnancy, but if tests were carried out and i was told fairly early on their would be serious problems, i would choose to abort if it were my decision.
Thanks
Andy
Apologies if this is a strange question, but would it bother you if your partner was completely against abortion?
Although i know the risk is small, i'm terrified of the thought of having a seriously disabled child which would be completely dependant on me for the rest of my days. I admit that perhaps i don't know enough about this, and don't even know what is tested for during pregnancy, but if tests were carried out and i was told fairly early on their would be serious problems, i would choose to abort if it were my decision.
Thanks
Andy
0
Comments
Yes, I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't trust my judgement if I wasn't ready to become a mother. Luckily, my partner does, so it's not an issue.
I would be bothered as a woman, if my partner was completely against abortion. If I felt in a position where I couldn't adequately provide for a child, or in an unstable relationship which couldn't handle a child etc...then I would be bothered if they wanted me to keep a child. It is my body and my child; the decision I make is dependant on a lot of variables but at the end of the day, the decision is mine. Which is where it's probably more problematic for a guy; if your girl gets pregnant and is against abortion (aside from the 'why didn't you use adequate protection') then regardless of whether you or her are ready for a child, or could provide for it - it is her decision, you can't force her to have an abortion and I think there are a number of instances when women/girls have children that they are not ready for and therefore the child is negatively and unfairly effected.
As for having a seriously disabled child - I think it is a fear of any parent. We all want to have happy, healthy babies. Then again personally, I don't know what my capacity for looking after a disabled child is. I struggle with my nephew at times and my neighbours child is severely disabled. I find it impossible to be around him (he headbutts walls repeatedly, finds objects, smashes them and jabs them in his hands, unlocks windows and hangs out them, can easily drown in the bath despite being 18, he needs a lot of care because he has very severe mental and physical disabilties). With the headbutting, I can't watch violence/boxing etc...it frightens me, makes me feel nauseas etc...to have a child who did that normally and I couldn't stop or teach him away from it. I think I would struggle alot.
Sorry if you think i'm being too personal but, do you know what the condition the baby might have? Although i'm not severally disabled, my mother knew before having me that i would have complications, because they did tests before and because my sister has the same condition as me but not as bad.
:yes: Same..I'd be pretty pleased if I was with a bloke who didn't agree with abortion because his views would match mine! Thats not to say I judge people who do have abortions..I just mean that I know abortion could never ever be the right choice for me.
I think he's asking hypothetically and that his girlfriend is not pregnant and he's usuing contraception to prevent pregnancy, disability and dependancy is just an example of one of his fears of having a child he's not ready for.
:yes: I totally agree with this.
:yes:
When i did get pregnant it was very scary waiting for the 20 week anomoly scan. I would not have wanted to go through with a pregnancy for a severely disabled child so was petrified that if that happened, either i would end up my life pretty much taken over/ruined by a child with more needs than i could cope with, or break my mans heart and possibly lose him.
His views on it have mellowed a bit though. When i got pregnant the second time, my baby was only 3 months old and it was unplanned and in all honesty quite unwanted by me till i got my head round it. I think if id have been with someone who wasnt anti-abortion I would have aborted, but I kept the baby. I did tell him though that if the baby turned out to be disabled then I wouldnt keep it. It would be a horrible choice but there is NO WAY i would have coped. I barely cope as it is.
The chances of a child having an abnormality at a scan isnt that high, but its important to talk about what youd do if the situation arose, and if your views are wildly different and you cant come to an agreement then what do you do. You cant force a girl to have an abortion just like you cant force her to keep a baby she doesnt want.
Having a disabled child is nobodys first choice, but maybe if you got to the stage of wanting a family together you might be surprised by how you would feel. You might want to keep your baby after all
As for having differing views on abortion, that would concern me in a relationship whether the notion of disability came into the equation or not. I don't want any more children at the moment, and should it happen through mishap or, erm, act of god then I would want an abortion. I know I would be supported in that, I can't really say more than SCC already said about the potential terror of that situation arising... and having to choose between continuing a pregnancy I was unhappy with and potentially losing the man in my life. Doesn't bear thinking about. I've always had the same pro-choice view on abortion as my signifigant others, so I've been lucky really. Though of course a pro-choice view in hypothetical discussion doesn't mean agreement in the real situation of finding yourself pregnant and facing your options, it's a comfort to know you're on the same page. I would have reservations about having a sexual relationship with someone who was "against abortion". Because although at the end of the day I would make the final decision; when you're with someone you want to make decisions that they will respect, not to feel you have to defend what are often your core values and choices. That'd be awful.
As a man, I don't really have the right to force any woman to do what I tell her. I can state an opinion, but it's precisely that - my own personal verdict on the situation. Whenever I see a plot-line on a TV show where the woman wants to have a baby, but the man wants to see her aborting it, I just find myself thinking - "what's it to you, pal? You're not the one who's gotta go to the operating table at the end of the day!". If a woman adamantly refused to have an abortion, I couldn't force her, nor would I have any intention of doing.
The disability question is one that comes up often. Most parents think that they won't be able to cope with a "disabled child" - the mere words themselves are very much open to interpretation - but they find themselves coping fine. Why? Because that is what they have to do. Having a child means putting their interests before yours, and doing so for a very long period of time. I've never been a father myself, but would love to have some kids in the future. I'd happily go out with a woman who already had kids - I've done it before and it gave me a lot of perspective. Parents do what parents must do - they may have their doubts sometimes, but if they love their kids, they'll do anything for them. When I was dating a single mother a few years ago, I was more than prepared to become a permanent step-father to her child. (his biological father had died some years earlier) I've never really said this before, but I was completely in love with him. I treated him practically like my own son.
In a few years time, I might well be in a long-term relationship. I may have my own kids, I may be raising someone else's child, I may well have adopted a child. Regardless of the circumstances, I like to think that I'd be prepared to make any sacrifice for my kids.
Hey,
Thanks for the replies.
Shygirl – There is no baby / no pregnancy at the moment. Its just that my g/friend doesn’t agree with abortion and this gives me a little cause for concern. I admit I have no idea what can be tested for, and what the accuracy rate of any tests carried out are. What is the condition called that you have?.
My concern is how I would cope with a seriously disabled child if it occurred. Truth is, I’m not sure I could.
Thanks
Andy
What kind of a life is that? Its hard enough raising perfectly able bodied *normal* children. It really is.
If you already have children its anothere thing to consider in itself. Not just the sacrifices you make for yourself, but the scarifices your other children will have to make