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Scared about being single at 30
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So the girl who I'd have happily spent the rest of my life with left me this week, we'd been going out for quite a while. I'm taking it well as I'm still quite young and wouldn't mind a few other relationships before settling down.
However, even though its a few years in advance I'm getting rather scared about how "the clock is ticking" - the average age to get married in UK is 30 for men, 28 for women. That's the sort of age I'd want to find the right person to settle down with - because I want to have kids (and not leave it too late, so have them between 30-35 or so), and would hate to be the odd one out "left on the shelf" when all my mates are married, I'm panicing a bit about the concept of still being single later on.
As said ideally it'd be great if I could have a few more girlfriends and sleep with lots more girls before I settle down around age 30. But obviously its impossible to plan things that way - if the right person came along tomorrow I'd happily get married earlier, but the idea of getting older and being single I find frightening. I can imagine getting increasingly more desperate still being single at that age (which is the ultimate turnaway putoff), and the nicer girls will have been snapped up by that point leaving the ones "left on the shelf" !!
What do you think, does it ever worry you about not meeting the right person at the ideal time? And then of course worrying everything goes perfectly and doesn't lead to a divorce, or a tragedy involving wife/kids... ergh I worry too much!
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However, even though its a few years in advance I'm getting rather scared about how "the clock is ticking" - the average age to get married in UK is 30 for men, 28 for women. That's the sort of age I'd want to find the right person to settle down with - because I want to have kids (and not leave it too late, so have them between 30-35 or so), and would hate to be the odd one out "left on the shelf" when all my mates are married, I'm panicing a bit about the concept of still being single later on.
As said ideally it'd be great if I could have a few more girlfriends and sleep with lots more girls before I settle down around age 30. But obviously its impossible to plan things that way - if the right person came along tomorrow I'd happily get married earlier, but the idea of getting older and being single I find frightening. I can imagine getting increasingly more desperate still being single at that age (which is the ultimate turnaway putoff), and the nicer girls will have been snapped up by that point leaving the ones "left on the shelf" !!
What do you think, does it ever worry you about not meeting the right person at the ideal time? And then of course worrying everything goes perfectly and doesn't lead to a divorce, or a tragedy involving wife/kids... ergh I worry too much!
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Comments
What can I say man, join the club
Sad to read you feel the way you do, but again, I've met many men that do feel exactly the same up here. What's important to understand is that I believe that if you stress with these things (getting into a relationship, settle down etc.) it's very likely that it will lead to the opposite and what you're afraid of happening. I guess you can describe it as a self fulfilling prophecy, nurtured mainly by your own fair and despair to get into relationships.
For some it turns into a descructive evergoing cycle; A person tries to get into a relationship, gets rejected or they break up after a short while, the person left with lower self estheem and bitter feelings. Then that persons tries to compensate that with getting into another relationship in order to "compensate" for these feelings, but this time the "basis" is worse than the last time. And so it goes on over and over again. Because that person never realized what it is that really keeps two people together in the long run. IMO, that's self estheem, self confidence and the ability to not worry so much. Many people, especially women, are attracted to confidence and power. So where do you start? I'd start working with myself first. Go to the gym. Find a hobby that you love. Do something that you think you can master and gain self-confidence from that. Anything that diverts your attention from finding a relationship all the time. I'm not saying you're not supposed to never look out for interested women, just that it's not wise to think about it all the time. Restart the cycle I described earlier, but this time in a positive direction.
As you're getting better at this, your insecurities are much more likely to vanish, and you're getting more confident. This will attract partners and also make you more confident while in a relationship, which makes a long term relationship more probable.
It's good to remember that when people are able to love one person, they can love again and if you're the kind of person who really enjoys being in a serious relationship then chances are you will settle sooner rather than later.
Also, very often when the relationship you thought was the love of your life disappears, the next one is even better.
Predictably, of course I'm going to say that working on your own happiness and reasons for living rather than expecting someone else to complete your life is really important. If you're able to feel truly valid for yourself - rather than need someone else to make you happy - then you will feel far more confident. It might also be worth trying to look for a completely different type. It feels odd but it's a good moment to expand horizons.
Take care.
You look nice. I am sure you will bounce back with a new love sometime soon ...
Actually immediately after my breakup I've been very actively on the lookout. Had a threesome on the weekend with two ladyfriends I know but more I've been messaging loadsa single girls I know and have lots of dates coming up. Its an odd insecurity that I absolutely hate being single and feel content when I'm having something - doesn't necessarily need to be a serious relationship, just a sex-fuelled fling suffices. Its nothing to do with lack of confidence / self-esteem, I'm fine that and know I'm attractive as I've had dozens of partners before. Maybe its based on my personal philosophy of making the most of every minute that any periods being single (and not managing to pull for a while) seem like wasted time when in that period I could've/should've had romantic and/or sexual experiences.
This detracts slightly from my original post. I'm not scared about being single at 30 because I think I'm ugly / unfanciable / won't get someone, its more that the uncontrollable path life takes means I could have a few more girlfriends, maybe lasting a couple of years then breaking off, and when it comes to the point most people are settling down I won't have got there, and (a) many of the nicest girls will have been snapped up, (b) it'd make me feel/act desperate which is a turnoff, (c) it may be harder to get girls as there's lots more guys in my position..
You really need to stop planning these things though. I think you're doing the right thing now by enjoying your single status but just dating for the fun of it. You obviously have no problems getting dates, which is not the case of many of the men who post on here.
Having enjoyable dates and having a relationship are somewhat different, although it is obviously important to have a relationship with someone with whom you enjoy their company (and they enjoy yours). I think it will happen some time after you have shed any issues over your broken relationship.