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A poem dedicated to the acceptionally crap service of AOL...
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
in General Chat
I found me a new server
And I called it AOL.
The going rate seemed a bargain,
But the connection speed was hell!
An "illegal operation"
Every time I hit a switch,
Now, I know I'm not an angel...
But I don't deserve this bitch!!
Five minutes into browsing
And it didn't disconnect,
So you couldn't call it Freeserve...
Now that would be disrespect!
So I went to do some surfing
And it froze on every page,
Except for when I did my homework
Or when I was acting my age.
So a lesson to all you newbies,
Don't be tempted by this poo...
AO-hell is coming,
And it's coming after you!!!
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
0
Comments
There's a girl in my mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did
freeserve's pants too, cuts you off every 2 hrs or maybe less if it feels like it, and sometimes you connect and just nothing works! grrr. oh and it takes a while sometimes to get back on, especially around 6pm-9pm!
drifter what are you on again? im sure i know it somewhere in my brain though! but yeah yours is crap <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/tongue.gif"> hehe!
Burn baby burn!
How very true! That happens to me every time I'm online.
That there
That's not me
That there
That's not me
I get a full 56K connection on NTL, better than BT's and AOL's measly 44K.
I connect everytime as well.
HAHAHAHA
j9
ive probably hexed myself now and im gonna be gettin d.c all day today <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/rolleyes.gif">
It went something like this (I've got it on tape).
TITLE: "Do-It Yourself" - performed by Bill Sutton
I went to buy computers, they said a million bucks
For a brand new mainframe IBM, now that price really sucks.
So I looked at all the pictures, and I chose to build my own,
For you can build a mainframe from the things you find at home.
(Chorus : )
Oh, IBM, DEC, and Honeywell, HP, DG and Wang,
Amdahl, NEC, and NCR, they don't know anything.
They make big bucks for systems, though they never want it known
That you can build a mainframe from the things you find at home.
Well, take the CPU, you see it's only just a box
With blinking lights and whirring fans and lots of cable slots.
Well, I spent an evening working with some wire and bulbs and pins,
Then I hauled them to the basement and I plugged the freezer in.
(Chorus)
Well, next I needed tape drives, my tape drives were a steal.
I climbed into the attic for my dad's old reel-to-reel.
Some cable and some binder twine, and soon it was complete:
My CPU and tape drive at a price no one can beat.
(Chorus)
Well, then I looked for disk drives, but it didn't take me long.
Function follows form, they say, or have I got that wrong?
Well, I found a drive with five new modes that blow the rest away:
Cottons, linens, wash and wear, rinse and lingerie.
(Chorus)
Well, I had to have a console just to make my system run.
Without a fancy console then my system wasn't done.
So, I tied a ten-buck typer to a broken TV tube,
And now I've got a console that can write the evening news.
(Chorus)
Well, I've had my system running - I'll admit it's not the best.
The data isn't right, and the response time is a mess.
It crashes every hour, and it isn't worth a damn,
But I'm satisfied because it runs just like an IBM!
It's better with the music <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
j9
[This message has been edited by j9j9 (edited 19-04-2001).]
<IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">
Sex is evil,
Evil is sin,
Sins are forgiven,
So lets get stuck in!
just sit right back and youll hear a tale
about my virtual trip
it started from my IBM
with a simple little click
i tried to surf the internet
things did not go well
i wound up in a chatroom with
some cyber geeks from hell
(hes trapped in cyber hell)
(thunder and lightning)
they wont shut up i cant escape
this aol nightmare
if i signed on to prodigy
i bet they'd find me there
(these geeks are everywhere)
im stuck inside the worldwide web
with weirdos i dont know
i hit at one; unplug the phone
i cant click out, i cant get in
it says in chat
OH MY GOD
im trapped on the interneeeeeet!
www.geocities.com/i_am_the_girl_from_mars_2001/gilligan.wav
Burn baby burn!
[This message has been edited by Girl-From-Mars (edited 26-04-2001).]
Look into these tired eyes. See something you might recognise.
I used to use Libertysurf at home for my surfing which was rather fast and a few years ago I was beta-testing Norweb Communications Electricity Lines, god knows what happened to that...
Least everyones finally clicked on not to use Compuserve, hopefully AOL will follow.. until then, happy constricted monitored attempted surfing... <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif">
http://files.steakandcheese.com/pics/aolpisstaker.jpg
I am not Jesus, though I have the same initals.
Every newbie in Newville loved Steve Case alot.
But the Grinch who lived just north of New-ville did not.
Oh he hated the service--all 6 million users.
The lame and the looney, the lonely, the losers.
Some say he'd struck out in his chat room romances
That even the NetGirl had spurned his advances.
It could be its logo was making him dizzy.
A dial-up number perpetually busy...
Or strange disconnects, but most likely of all
Was the time he spent waiting on hold when he called!
But whatever the reason, the bumps or the waits,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating Steve Case.
Staring down at his screen with a sour, net scowl,
While Case sunned in MacLean with a monogrammed towel
And he knew every newbie in Chat Rooms tonight
Would now gather in private rooms clean out of sight.
"And they're sending their IM's!" he snarled with a sneer.
"While they tie up the phone lines, and buy Case's beer!"
Then he scratched his green face in the monitor glowing,
"I MUST find some way to stop AOL from growing."
For, Tomorrow, he knew... ..All the AOL vandals
Would wake bright and early. They'd rush for their handles
And then! Oh, the spam! Oh, the Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam!
That's one thing he hated! The SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!
They would forward chain letters and Dr. Seuss rhymes,
A new virus-warning, that they'd dubbed "Good Times"
And totems for luck or a new snowball toy.
They'd collect business cards for a poor dying boy...
And THEN
They'd do something He liked least of all!
They'd launch with their modems that AOL call
They'd rush to their chat rooms, the old and the young
the clueful, the clueless, the smart and the dum,
And after they finished their e-mail reading,
then IM to IM--the News would start breeding!
They'd breed! And they'd breed!
And they'd BREED! BREED! BREED! BREED!
"It's all Steve Case's fault," the Grinch said with a tisk,
"He's sucked up the market with all of those disks."
And the more the grinch pondered the AOL thug--
"I must stop the whole thing! I must pull the plug!"
"Why I've suffered their spam since at least '94!
And I won't suffer one piece of e-mail more!"
"I know just what to do!" he said, stroking his chin.
"I'll pull out their 19-hour routers again!"
It was dark in Virginia, the home of the spam,
As he crept past their now-silent parking lot cam.
He passed a grey chimney, and quick as a whisk,
he stole each and every last white floppy disk!
As he reached the grey buildings, quite slowly he crept
toward the humming computers where chat rooms were kept.
And as up onto AOL's mainframes he climbed
A well-known and tinkly sound file chimed
He spun round to confront their security guards,
But a Grinch-to-Case showdown was not in the cards.
That morning a local school's tour passed through,
and the Grinch stood called out by CINDY432!
This Case fan stared accusing with watery eyes,
and said "Why are you shutting down AOL? Why?"
And so needing a dishonest answer to thrive,
He said, "I'm on staff here, and I work for Tech Live!"
"See, a sector near here will consistently fail.
There's a sound file here that won't say "You've got Mail"!
"And I merely stopped in to re-service this POP.
(And on Wednesdays we schedule maintenance stops...)
"So we're fixing the service with all our tech powers.
The whole thing should just take a mere 19 hours."
Then he roamed through the office park stealing their files--
their CD's, and floppies, their modem and dials,
Then the last thing he did--which they ill could afford--
was to scarf up the service's last router cord!
Then he ran to Virginia to gloat from a hill
And he listened for Steve Case's crying so shrill.
For he knew in the morning Case sat down to write
his Community Update to send from the heights.
Steve will find out his service was stripped in the night.
His mouth will hang open, with nothing to write!
And his stock options worthless, he'll cry "I am through!"
Then the AOL users will all cry "Me too!"
And they'll rush off to ISPs, all at one time
and they'll savor the thrill of unlimited time
On a POP with a dial-up that actually answers
And with users besides just the chat room romancers.
But instead the next morning, despite all his lies,
the Grinch read in the papers they'd doubled in size.
Though his newbies couldn't dial-in, they did something funny:
They continued to give Steve Case all of their money.
And he sulked in his Grinch cave, Virginia skies snowing--
He hadn't stopped AOL's service from growing.
"It came without UNIX.
It came without phones.
It came without chatrooms.
Or Steve Case's tomes."
All the New's kept on using those floppy disks pale,
installing the software that came in the mail,
Convinced that a service just couldn't be that bad
(And deceived by blind faith from that George Jetson ad.)
The Grinch pondered in horror the spams still to come.
"Maybe newbies--real newbies--are just really dumb".
"Maybe god made the clueless for Steve Case to fleece."
Then he set up a filter and left them in peace.
American Pie
A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.
But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.
I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.
And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?
Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.
Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.
It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be
When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.
And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown
The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.
And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.
And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography
But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down
They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!
And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.
But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free
Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.
"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."
"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.
Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.
But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.
No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.
And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.
So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.
I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.
And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But the Room Host said the members went away...
And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.
And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.
And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.
hehehe, sorry, couldn't resist... all those AOL haters rhymes and songs... <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">