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I need advice/answers!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
My girlfriend and I were together for two years, it was a very close relationship that ended when she recieved an email that I had cheated on her, which was not the case(there is obviously more than that but that's the main thing) We were on and off for about two months prior to her leaving me for good. She stated that she could not trust me and that even though she noticed that I tried to change everything at the end, it was just too late. I tried the typical guy thing, calling, flowers, etc.....it only made her upset. About three weeks later she tells me she is seeing someone. At that point I completely cut off any communication with her for about five weeks and then I sent her a hand written letter. Through the time without speaking I noticed she had blocked my screen name, within two days after the letter, it was unblocked. A few days went by and I saw her online and said hello. We started IM for the next few days but it seemed like every conversation ended up with her telling me everything I did wrong and how horrible of a boyfriend I was. I'd try not to argue but eventually I would end up falling into it. At one point she tells me it seems like I've changed so much but that she is happy with the person she is seeing and at one point even tells me she loves him. Now after a few days of this, she suddenly says that we cannot be friends because all we do is argue and that I have to wait untill she is ready or possibly that she may never be ready! Well the next day she sends me an email and says she would like to talk one last time and be done with it. I do not reply, then I get a text asking the same question and I reply to that saying I'm with somone and I would call her later. Later that night she texts me asking if I was gonna call her because she was going to bed. I didn't. The next day, she texts me asking if we were going to talk or if I was playing games? I didn't respond. An hour later, she calls my phone. I don't pick up. Then she sends a text saying forget it and to not call. At this point I just missed that one and sent her a text saying I had been really busy and would call her when i got home. She sent one back saying not to so I didn't Later that night, I get a call from her and we actually have a resonable conversation. I explained a lot and apologised for a lot of things that I did wrong through out our relationship. Then I basically said goodnight to her. The next evening I receive an IM from her stating this"I don't know why or what specifically, but something about the conversation we had yesterday struck me, I don't want you to read into this conversation. I don't want you to think that this means that we can be good friends or get back together or anything ok and if you still have feelings for me you need to work on getting rid of them. Maybe we can speak once a week or once every few weeks, short conversations, I don't know if you want to do that or not", then she says she will try not to bring up arguments about our relationship.....and once again, we had a reasonble conversation for the rest of it. Now, the next night she IM's me again and we start off the conversation good and she asks a lot of questions about me. When she finds out that I've been dating somone, she starts asking questions like who and for how long? What's her name...etc. I say to her it doesn't matter, she is dating someone and tells me she is happy. I've always said to her that I want her to be happy and I'm glad that she has found someone(even though that isn't true). Now she is at a point where she is sad that I've changed so much, she ask's why I didn't change for her? Why her love wasn't enough for me to change. I explaind that I had to do it myself so I would truely chage but I do not think she understands that. I've asked her to meet up with me and she says we cannot do that. Not for awhile! So that's the history, now here are my questions: If she is dating some one, why would she be getting upset about me seeing someone? I mean really, she shouldn't even be talking to me! #2 How should I handle this? I mean I truely love this women and I know she is the right person for me so how do I get her to meet me? I think she is afraid of seeing me because she will not be able to handle it. I know it's hard for her to just hear my voice when we talk on the phone? #3 She keeps saying how much it seems like i have changed and it makes her sad! How do I convice her that I did or am changing for her? #4 How do I gain her trust back?

I appreciate any advice, I'm very confused by what she wants from me. Thank you so much.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think this is so damn hard because there is nothing you want more right now than for someone to say right do this and this and this and everything will be just hunky dory. But it's a relationship which has broken down, and you both sound like you are half heartedly-cautiously and timidly trying to get it back together again. You are interested in each other lives and I sense some jealousy on both parts - but I also sense both of you trying to show the other that you have moved on and are better people - sort of a rubbing it in the others face.

    I have no answers. There is nothing in black and white. It is so complex, and you two are so closely entwined within it and your feelings that nothing is going to happen fast.

    I say: dont push her into meeting with you - you want to convince her she can trust you, and you have changed. Pushing her into doing things she doesn't want to do yet/at all is not a right good start to this is it?
    Trust is slow and gradual. Such IM conversation, and doing as you say you are going to do (without being overpowering or constantly in her face over it) e.g. txting/ringing as arranged.

    Hope this may have helped a bit. Your best bet, imo is take things slow, at a pace which suits both you and her (or her if this is different) and trust and belief will come in time if you are truely meant to be together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Ashlee...I know that's the right thing to do I just hope I don't wait too long.......
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you love her as much as you say you do, you will wait however long it takes her
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My guess is that she still has strong feelings for you but that shes somewhat enjoying being apart...as long as she knows you're still there on the back burner.
    As you've mentioned in your original post she keeps sending you texts or emails telling you not to call her or that if you dont reply to her then you'll never hear from her again.....then just a few hours later shes calling you!
    My advice is to go see her face to face when you both have time to talk in a calm environment (dont plan just turn up or you might get messed around, cancelled meetings etc) and just explain that you're tired of all the to-ing and fro-ing and that shes either with you or shes not, and if not then its over for good. If she follows typical 'mind game' behaviour she will probably get angry at this and say its over to which you stay calm, say ok then and leave. DONT CALL HER AT THIS TIME! Just wait for a few days maybe a week or two but if its meant to be she will call, and she will probably be begging for you back after a few days of being ignored.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree with Icey mainly.

    She seems to be playing games with you and at times you are trying to play them back (by not answering texts etc.) but then as soon as she says "forget it, don't bother calling" then you send her a txt! Its classic game playing and to me seems like you're the one getting played here!

    She knows your there, why would she rush back to you? Shes enjoying the time apart and aslong as she knows your waiting in the wings she will keep you hanging on and waiting! Maybe see what evolves in the next few days / weeks but if she keeps sending messages as if she kind of wants you but then keeps playing games with your head you need to bite the bullet and give the ultimatum! You will find out then once and for all if she wants you or not! I think its better to cut ties and be hurting than to keep tagging along and hurting when the inevitable will happen eventually anyway and you still won't be with her!

    Also they will come a point (the more she plays you) where you think fuck this, I don't deserve this shit and things in your head will be clear and then when/if she does come crawling back, you won't want her anymore anyway!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    This does not sound like a loving relationship, I should step back from the whole thing if you can and get a sense of what is really happening.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Edge wrote: »
    I appreciate any advice,

    The RETURN key is a wonderful thing :thumb:
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