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Huge jealousy issues
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone, I'm new here.
Basically ive been with my fiance for just over year and a half now but my jealousy of his ex has never gone away. I am so frightened that this will destroy me, and most of all, with drive us apart, but I just cant let go.
This relationship is my first serious one of any description, and i dont know if its because I havent had the experience of a past relationship thats causing me to feel this way, but I feel totally terrible - and all at my own doing. I am aware of that but cant stop.
He was with his ex for nearly 3 years and they were on and off for a while before it ended for good two months before he asked me out.
When I moved into his house with him I never thought about his ex, I just enjoyed our time together and was never that bothered. But as I became more and more deeply involved I became extremely jealous of his past life.
He helped bring up her two kids and even helped her through her divorce and they had a stable and fulfilling life together where he was seen as the father figure to these two children etc. His life was basically all mapped out for him, and i know that sometimes he looks back on all this with fondness and I hate it.
We have discussed it and we want children one day but he says he wouldnt even love his own kids more than her children because he saw them as his own.
I have never seen or met this woman (only a photo once) but am terrified that she knows who I am (as she may have seen me and my fiance out together) and that I will see her in the street. I worry that every blonde haired woman is her. I know I am paranoid but I just cant get past it and I so want to.
My fiance is totally aware of the situation and has even told me that he loves me more than he EVER loved her, but it doesnt stop me thinking about his past life with her. She basically treated him like rubbish and hurt him very badly, but the thought of what they had together always runs through my mind.
Its even extended to his belongings like his bed which I know for a fact he slept in with her so I went out and bought a new matress for it because I just couldn't bare the idea of it. Recently I found out that our first home together (when I moved in with him) had been where she used to go round and see him. Even though it was only a couple of times, it has completely wiped any happiness i had there with him away.
He has this friend who used to get on very well with my fiance's ex and when they go out together he always brings her up, even sometimes in front of me and I just hate being compared to her - as I know his mate always does.
Even though he has said to my fiance a couple of times that I am prettier and have a "better body" I just hate the idea that this woman existed with him before me.
I dont feel like I am fully in this relationship but inside a bubble which will burst at any second. I have never felt like I am his and that he is mine, it feels like him and her still have a life and I am just there.
He says he doesnt even like the woman. Its not the situation now that I hate, its what they had in the past. All the holidays and experiences they had.
I am always trying to make our experiences together amazing so hopefully they beat anything he had with her.
Even in the bedroom I cant let go. He is obviously more experienced than me and i hate it because it means he has experienced these things with her first.
He wants nothing to do with her. He hasnt even seen her for nearly two years and doesnt want to. He says he has no interest in her and loves me.
Its like there is a switch stuck in my head and I cant turn it off. I wish I could. I have even thought about going to see a councilor because I love my fiance so much and I want us to have a wonderful life together, but I cant when I keeping thinking about things like this. Its ruining me and screwing me up.
Every reference he makes to the past sends me rigid. I cant make references to the past because I have no past. He barely speaks about it to be honest and i sometimes feel like he should be able to discuss it with me as I am his current partner and he was badly hurt, and he should talk about it which is completely healthy, but I hate it.
I cant even hear the womans name on television or read it in the paper, I hate it even more when he says her name in passing conversation or whatever.
I have tried so many times to get over this and we have even had close calls when we have nearly split up. This has been me attempting to walk away because I cant handle it, not him wanting me to leave.
I know he loves me so much its beyond belief, and I do him. I am just so wrapped up in his past and I shouldnt be. I wish I could enjoy our life together and not think of her.
Thanks everyone.
Nancy
Basically ive been with my fiance for just over year and a half now but my jealousy of his ex has never gone away. I am so frightened that this will destroy me, and most of all, with drive us apart, but I just cant let go.
This relationship is my first serious one of any description, and i dont know if its because I havent had the experience of a past relationship thats causing me to feel this way, but I feel totally terrible - and all at my own doing. I am aware of that but cant stop.
He was with his ex for nearly 3 years and they were on and off for a while before it ended for good two months before he asked me out.
When I moved into his house with him I never thought about his ex, I just enjoyed our time together and was never that bothered. But as I became more and more deeply involved I became extremely jealous of his past life.
He helped bring up her two kids and even helped her through her divorce and they had a stable and fulfilling life together where he was seen as the father figure to these two children etc. His life was basically all mapped out for him, and i know that sometimes he looks back on all this with fondness and I hate it.
We have discussed it and we want children one day but he says he wouldnt even love his own kids more than her children because he saw them as his own.
I have never seen or met this woman (only a photo once) but am terrified that she knows who I am (as she may have seen me and my fiance out together) and that I will see her in the street. I worry that every blonde haired woman is her. I know I am paranoid but I just cant get past it and I so want to.
My fiance is totally aware of the situation and has even told me that he loves me more than he EVER loved her, but it doesnt stop me thinking about his past life with her. She basically treated him like rubbish and hurt him very badly, but the thought of what they had together always runs through my mind.
Its even extended to his belongings like his bed which I know for a fact he slept in with her so I went out and bought a new matress for it because I just couldn't bare the idea of it. Recently I found out that our first home together (when I moved in with him) had been where she used to go round and see him. Even though it was only a couple of times, it has completely wiped any happiness i had there with him away.
He has this friend who used to get on very well with my fiance's ex and when they go out together he always brings her up, even sometimes in front of me and I just hate being compared to her - as I know his mate always does.
Even though he has said to my fiance a couple of times that I am prettier and have a "better body" I just hate the idea that this woman existed with him before me.
I dont feel like I am fully in this relationship but inside a bubble which will burst at any second. I have never felt like I am his and that he is mine, it feels like him and her still have a life and I am just there.
He says he doesnt even like the woman. Its not the situation now that I hate, its what they had in the past. All the holidays and experiences they had.
I am always trying to make our experiences together amazing so hopefully they beat anything he had with her.
Even in the bedroom I cant let go. He is obviously more experienced than me and i hate it because it means he has experienced these things with her first.
He wants nothing to do with her. He hasnt even seen her for nearly two years and doesnt want to. He says he has no interest in her and loves me.
Its like there is a switch stuck in my head and I cant turn it off. I wish I could. I have even thought about going to see a councilor because I love my fiance so much and I want us to have a wonderful life together, but I cant when I keeping thinking about things like this. Its ruining me and screwing me up.
Every reference he makes to the past sends me rigid. I cant make references to the past because I have no past. He barely speaks about it to be honest and i sometimes feel like he should be able to discuss it with me as I am his current partner and he was badly hurt, and he should talk about it which is completely healthy, but I hate it.
I cant even hear the womans name on television or read it in the paper, I hate it even more when he says her name in passing conversation or whatever.
I have tried so many times to get over this and we have even had close calls when we have nearly split up. This has been me attempting to walk away because I cant handle it, not him wanting me to leave.
I know he loves me so much its beyond belief, and I do him. I am just so wrapped up in his past and I shouldnt be. I wish I could enjoy our life together and not think of her.
Thanks everyone.
Nancy
0
Comments
Good luck.
I think going to see a counsellor might be a good idea. It sounds as if these feelings you're having are symptoms of a bigger problem - maybe something to do with your self-esteem or worries about loss? Talking to someone detached from the situation might help you to deal with the bigger issues at hand, which will then help to sort out your feelings about your fiance's ex.
May I ask how old you are and how old he is? A year and a half isn't long to be together before deciding to get married, and you definitely need to deal with these issues before you decide to commit to him.
I agree with this. You seem to know that you're getting carried away here, and I think it'd be helpful to talk to someone completely detached for a few sessions.
It's normal to be jealous of exes to a degree, I hate the idea that my bloke had a life with anyone before me, but he did and it's just something I have to deal with. It's not your fault that you are struggling to deal with it, but you do need to do something about it before it gets too much for either of you.
I would say that he doesn't sound like he's helping, either. I found this pretty harsh:
Not only is it bollocks, cause you couldn't possibly know that until you do have your own children, but it must have made you feel awful! I know I'd have been upset if someone said that to me. Maybe he needs to be a bit more sensitive to your feelings!
Whatever happens you CANT erase his past and there will come a point when you have to accept that his past has gone some way to making him who he is now.Lots of people have loved before, and that doesnt make the love they have afterwards any less special. I have loved three times, and the one i have now is THE most amazing ever, but the ones that went before taught me and shaped me too. The shit times also made me know that ill appreciate everything in this relationship because its just so not like that. Maybe its like that for him. She put him through hell so he can really appreciate what he has with you?
This is totally about you and not about him. You may well drive him away. He must feel under a hell of a lot of pressure to pretend the past never existed, but it DID and you need to accept that, or youre not accepting him as a whole person - experiences and all. He has nothing to feel guilty for. He trusted someone, did the right thing by her AND her children and he got fucked over. Now youre making him feel hes been bad for even living before you came along. You need to really really sort it out. I know its not nice, and you dont want to feel this way, but its not fair on him either.
I wish I knew what to advise you to start coming to terms with it, but maybe your doctor would be a good starting point, or maybe RELATE?
To be honest, he's probably right to feel like that. If he's grown up as their father he will see them as "his", even if they're not genetically his. What I think he's saying is that he won't lose contact with them and he will continue to love them even if he has his own family with the OP. Perfectly reasonable IMHO.
But to repeat, you really do need to see a counsellor about this before it destroys you and your life. Left unchecked it will destroy your relationship because you are being unreasonably paranoid about everything. The fact that you recognise this is good, its the first step to dealing with it and moving onwards.
He has had other relationships but he's chosen you. You should take a lot of comfort from that. He's with you and he's chosen you.
I agree. The children did nothing wrong. In fact I think this shows that hes actually a really nice caring person witha lot of love in his heart and very UNLIKELY to hurt you himself.
Okay I read that all and what I would say is at least he hasn't spoken to her in two years so from an outside perspective, it definately doesn't seem like he still loves her or anything. From what you've said it seems like he loves you.
You're just gonna have to let it go. You have to tell yourself that of course he would have had a past before, he would have been with different women, experienced different things and stuff cos that's what growing up/ developing is all about. Just because he's been in love before doesn't mean he can't love again. He's over her now and firmly in love with you but the more you talk about it the further away it will push him.
I think you need to find a vent or someway to get rid of those feelings. Jealously is a bugger I hate it, it can fuck up a perfectly good relationship but once the thoughts are in peoples heads they are extremely hard to get out.
He probably doesn't speak about it because not a lot of guys tend to want to discuss ex'es really unless they are not over them. Also he might know you're sensitive about the situation and doesn't want to aggrovate it.
As for his mates that knew her too - make more time and effort with them. Let them get to know you as you if that makes sense. The more effort you put in the more you get out.
I hope it all goes okay any way, good luck
Ooh err - I read that wrong first time. I thought she said that he said even if he had his own kids he could never love them as much as this woman's kids.
Yeah, I take that back.
Even so, I guess I know how easy it is to be jealous of someone's past even thought you KNOW it's totally irrational.
I get a bit jealous about my partners ex so I decided to tell him about my insecurity and how I felt I couldn't begin to compare with his first love, who is intelligent, rich and pretty and was amazed with his reaction. He said there was no comparison to be made, she wasn't even in my league. Whatever they had done in the past was exactly that, the past and he wanted to think about the good times we have had together and that were to come in future, I was everything he ever wanted in a partner and it had taken his first relationship to teach him what he really wanted and what was important to him.
Yes there are still reminders of her around, his family still have the odd wedding photo around and I know he still has his wedding rings, not to hurt me or because he wants that part of his life back but so that he can look back fondly on the good things that happened in that part of his life and realise how far he has come and what is important now.
Hey guys,
Just wanted to say thanks for all the advice. I havent been able to talk to anyone about it and its been such a relief to express these feelings and to have you guys respond with helpful advice, so thank you.
I do struggle some times. I can see that lots of you understand where I am coming from. I know its irrational and I know its mad because if i carry on i will split us up but its like I cant stop. Its like an addiction where I am obsessed with it all.
Anyway, thanks again guys.
Nancy.
It's a really good read for anyone who is struggling with ex issues - whether it be your own or your partners. :thumb:
By reading what you said i feel you have some strong underlying issues that are affecting your relationship,Your Love for yor Fiance is very strong and thats a beautiful thing to have,But your actions may drive your partner away in the long term,You need to seek some help ie councellor,I no many have said this above but i believe they could help clear up some emotions that are affecting you,You Have to remeber to hun that this man loves and cares for you very much and most people have pasts,Enjoy the special moments you share lifes to short to worry about the past your letting it controll you,Remeber the person you were when you first met,At the end of the day there your feelings and you controll them,Dont be too hard on yourself, and be happy theres no need to feel like [/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR]this
As it probably won't settle itself and your b/f can't calm you down about it, I'd suggest professional help in form of counseling for example.
Even tho you have a point I think you are hyping this pretty much up, and certainly not for your own mental health.