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So confused!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Warning...long post!

I've been with and lived with my boyfriend for four years, and during that time the relationship has been very up-and-down.

He has cheated a few times, the first within the first month or so of us being together, but as far as I know he hasn't in the past year or so, so I think I'm hoping he's changed his ways.

The problem is, I feel like he's constantly putting me down. Everytime I try to talk to him he has a go at me for being 'miserable', which usually escalates into an argument.

He has a habit of when we argue, telling me to f-off and leave. I have never done this, and I always always back down during arguments. I feel quite ashamed of this, cos I shouldn't let him walk all over me like this. I feel like I'm constantly putting effort into the relationship and I just don't get anything back. He spends money on me, but when he throws it back in my face I've told him I don't want that, I want time with him, not money.

So recently we had a bad patch, and I decided I'm not taking this anymore. I've done this for four years and I don't know whether I would be stupid to stay and carry on like this, or leave and find someone else. I don't know if I would find someone else.

Making a decision whether to leave was much easier when he wasn't being so nice. But suddenly he's being overly nice, and I don't know whether he's trying to stop me leaving, or actually means it. This whole post seems like a complete random mess, and yeah, I do think I'm trying to talk myself into doing something, but what I'm not quite sure. I love him to bits, but I don't know if that's enough.

Sorry this is so long/rambling.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sometimes love isnt enough, and also its not right if he is running you down the whole time.
    Its a tough decision, and if u think he is just being nice to you because you might leave, that isnt a reason to stay. If he is changing his ways then thats different.
    good luck with whatever you decide.
    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he sounds like a loser

    he's cheated on you a few times?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he sounds like a loser

    he's cheated on you a few times?


    Yeah, and I forgave him after each one. I think at the time I was quite dependant on him, and I didn't know what else I could do. I really regret that now though, and I know if I ever found out he did it again I would be straight out of the door.

    He says I should stop dwelling on the past, and he's changed, but it's not really that easy to do. I think always in the back of my mind I'll be wondering if he'll do it again.

    To be honest, I think I know I want to leave, but it's scary. And I don't want to hurt him. I've not had to be the 'dumper' before, and it's hard.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like he has absolutely no respect for you and that's one thing you should never put up with.

    You need to decide what you're worth.

    Good luck choosing what's right for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you left, you would at least be in a position where you COULD find someone else. Would it be better to stay with him as things are, and they are only worsening by the sound of it, or would you be happier on your own? After being with someone for four years, they kinda become part of your identity too. You don't seem happy with him though so, if I were in your position, I'd leave. Do you have friends independent of him that you can spend time with, get some support from?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have got a couple of good friends. One of them has said I can move in with her if I need to, which is a big help.

    It's very easy to think 'stuff him, I'll move out' when he's not being so nice. But him being lovely just messes with my mind.

    I've asked him if we can talk to try to work some things out, but he won't, as he doesn't have anything he needs to talk about.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One option you have is to slow down, move out and go back to formally dating, see what happens...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Definitely sounds like you're convinding yourself to leave. He should agree to talk to you if you feel you have things you need to talk about, even if he doesn't. Sounds like he knows what's on your mind and is avoiding it. You two definitely need to talk things through.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Making a decision whether to leave was much easier when he wasn't being so nice. But suddenly he's being overly nice, and I don't know whether he's trying to stop me leaving, or actually means it. This whole post seems like a complete random mess, and yeah, I do think I'm trying to talk myself into doing something, but what I'm not quite sure. I love him to bits, but I don't know if that's enough.

    I think the mere fact that you posted this shows that it's a big problem for you. There is no way that you deserve to be put down like that and told to f-off and leave.

    In terms of finding someone else, well it's very likely that you won't find someone else straight away. But you will definitely find someone else eventually, who treats you a lot better, and who is probably better for you in the long run. You really don't sound happy in this relationship. Also, you have been with him for a long time so have probably got into a routine somewhat of him walking all over you and knowing he can get away with it; and also if he's cheated on you a few times before, he will feel like he can do it again and get away with it- is that really what you want?

    I know it's incredibly difficult to be the dumper, and also really scary leaving a relationship you've been in for so long, but if you're not happy, then your relationship won't be happy, and if you do break up with him you'd be doing it for both your sakes.

    really hope it works out for you seriouslyunique xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thankyou for all your replies.

    I have slowly been moving my stuff into my friend's place. But tonight she's said that I should just bite the bullet, move all my stuff out tonight, break up with him and tell his parents. Speaking to her, she's gonna be really annoyed if I don't, cos I'm just dragging it out and making things worse.

    I just don't know if I can do it, it's just too hard.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I promise that it will give you the space to decide what is best for you - your already half way there - its always horrible breaking up with someone and there really is no nice way to do it, but at least it will get you some breathing space. You dont' have to tell him its permenant.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Don't waste another second on this loser.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope it goes well. I think he sounds emotionally abusive
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Spent my first night away from him last night, and it was hard. Back again today as I'm meant to be packing up the rest of the stuff I didn't get last night.

    He won't speak to me, but I guess maybe that makes it easier.

    As we live with his parents and (much) younger sibling I feel like I'm breaking up with them too, but hopefully they should respect my decision.

    It just all seems so....final.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    living with the parents puts you in a much weaker position in a relationship, no matter how nice they all are.

    I'd consider offering realtionship counselling one more time - but if he doesn't think there are issues I'd say its dead.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you had heard your friend tell you this story you have told us, you would tell them to do everything in their power to take a stand.

    You're doing the right thing, you need a consistant boyfriend emotionally and he can't give you that.

    As for his parents etc, they aren't in the relationship although I know you'll feel close to them but it has to happen.

    Individually, everyone always deserves better. This is something you should be thinking in this situation right now as this motto includes you. You deserve much more than what he has to offer. He's not worthy of your affections, nor respects you.

    Be strong. x
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