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dating a guy who's been on the end of domestic violence

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
i've started seeing this lovely guy, and we are getting on really well. But he's just come out of a violent relationship were his girlfriend used to repeatedly beat him up. He's quite down atm, he seems to think it's all his fault, and she cheated on him with a very good mate, which has made things very difficult between him and mates, plus he finds it very difficult to let me take control in the bedroom (which is a little bit frustrating to say the least, seeing as i was once -maybe a little bit still- a wannabe dominatrix).

how can i help him regain his trust in women, and how do i help with how he's feeling, and not get to involved (i.e. not taking on his problems)

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Give it time, domestic violence can be very damaging. Maybe let him take control for now? Am sure he'll tell you if he wants you to domme him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that S&M is probably not a good idea for this guy just now tbh
  • ClaireBearClaireBear Deactivated Posts: 467 Listening Ear
    Hiya,
    The aftermath of domestic violence (whether against a woman or man) can be complex, confusing and difficult to cope with. You might find this info, this article, and this organisation helpful.
    CB
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Its just going to take time, best thing you can do is be patient and give him support when he wants it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I sympathise with this man. We often hear about women who've been hit by beastly men - and rightly so - but it's far rarer to hear about the men who've had to face violence from their partners. I'm also delighted to hear that he's found someone else, and I'm happy for you two. I also admire the fact that you're trying to deal with this issue, facing it head on.

    It will inevitably, and understandably, take time for him to come to terms with what has happened. However, he should consider this. His relationship with the violent partner has now finished. She can't hurt him anymore. And that means that the worst is now in the past. It may not seem like it to him now, but things are going to get better. I know from my "bad years", as I call them, that when you reach a certain low, you cannot go down any further. I'm not suggesting that this has left him suicidal, far from it. But it's understandable if he's feeling low. If this persists over a long time, it may be worth seeing a doctor. What are his circumstances? Does he have many friends? What does he do for a living? If he has enough to do with his days, that can prove useful in helping to move on from a difficult episode in life.

    Trust is a difficult thing. Like a skyscraper, it can take years to build up, but it can be knocked down again within minutes. And when it's knocked down, the rubble has to be cleared away before the re-building can begin. That's what he's having to do now - clear away all that rubbish. It could take a long time, but he will do it.

    Good luck to you both in your relationship.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    are you sure he is ready for another relationship since it sounds like he isn't over his last one? domestic violence is enough to fuck anyone up and it will take him some time for him to get over it and i'm no judge or anything but playing dominatrix in the bedroom until he is over it probably isn't such a good idea. if you are continuing a relationship with him then don't get dragged into the role of playing counsellor either - though he probably needs one - take things slow and be there for him, thats my advice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tbh, this wasn't a good idea in the first place. I didn't realise that he wanted to see me and continue to play the field. so i told him where to shove it. he's a lovely guy but for my own sanity, i had to do it. i need to stop myself falling for guys that don't want my affection.

    but thanks for your replies :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Good for you girl. Ttreat yourself with respect and only allow others into your life you treat you with respect too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't realise that he wanted to see me and continue to play the field...
    Bit of a commitment-phobic prat, then? His loss.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tbh, this wasn't a good idea in the first place. I didn't realise that he wanted to see me and continue to play the field. so i told him where to shove it. he's a lovely guy but for my own sanity, i had to do it. i need to stop myself falling for guys that don't want my affection.

    but thanks for your replies :)

    well done darling, you have to teach people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.
    Now whoop it up as a singleton until you meet someone worthy of ya!
    x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can understand a guy getting beat up because he doesn't want to hit a girl back, but it sounds a little strange for him to be physically afraid of women...(is that what you meant?) i can imagine being emotionally afraid but if he's afraid to act a certain way incase a woman kicks off on him he needs to remembers how it felt to have some balls and stand up for himself.

    You really can be a twat at times, can't you.

    Learn something about physically abusive relationships before spouting off this kind of shite. It's people with your attitude which makes it hard for men to be open about the abuse they receive at the hands of women.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's the macho bullshit that you come out with Matt.

    "Grow some balls" suggests that he isn't "man" enough. Bollocks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You (MattLiverpool) really can be a twat at times, can't you. Learn something about physically abusive relationships before spouting off this kind of shite. It's people with your attitude which makes it hard for men to be open about the abuse they receive at the hands of women.
    And that's before we mention the occasions when Matt's got into trouble for his comments on women...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    stargalaxy wrote: »
    And that's before we mention the occasions when Matt's got into trouble for his comments on women...
    I'd comment on this, but I should be in the kitchen.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Namaste wrote: »
    I'd comment on this, but I should be in the kitchen.
    Yes, I must buy a smaller chain. :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    and to add, he would never hit someone he loved, thus why he never hit her, but didn't have a problem hitting guys when they pushed him. at then end of the day, he's a knob, there is someone else who i "think" likes me, i'm going to a new years do with him so i shall stick by him near midnight and i might sneak a kiss...slightly sly i know...but thats the way the world works...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's not sly! That's what you have to do. Sometimes things land in your lap, mostly you have to go and get the things you want, go get him and good luck!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    a victim is a victim, not responsible for an attacker's actions so it's not a case of 'letting' someone beat you up. now fuck off!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Would you let your wife beat you up constantly?
    Try putting aside your macho front for a moment, Matt. If you were scared senseless of your partner, you probably would let them hit you, for fear of what might happen in retribution if you told someone about it. That's how it works with violence from men towards women - why shouldn't it work like that when the shoe is on the other foot?

    What you're saying is - when a woman is beaten up senseless by her bloke, she's a victim and he's a monster. And you'd be completely right there. Yet when a man has the shit kicked out of him by his girl, he's suddenly being (apologies in advance for the language here) a big poof? If that's your logic, your mind is seriously warped mind. Regretfully however, I don't expect anything better from a man whose comments on rape cause no end of offence.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Would you let your wife beat you up constantly?

    Fuck off, twat.

    Do you think victims of domestic abuse let their partners attack them?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you think victims of domestic abuse let their partners attack them?

    Well i wouldn't of said i 'let' Brian attack me, but it was easier not to fight back, suffer a few cuts and bruises, and then it would be over.

    Mind you, someone close to me used to get a shotgun stuck in his mouth. You pretty much let anyone do anything when you're in that situation.
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