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Long distance inter race relationship...advice please!!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone... Thanks for reading this. Im so sorry this is so long. Im just so confused... I need someone elses opinion..
Im English, and Ive just returned home after spending a year in Indonesia, where I met a lovely guy whom I am in a relationship with. I plan to return to Indonesia in a few months. And I will do this, because I promised him that I would. But Im not sure that Im doing the right thing..
i really really love him, and hes great, but Im starting to think its not going to work..
He's had a few problems recently, and so is unemployed, and cant get a good job until he finishes college. But, his family dont have any money to pay for his college. So, Im paying for it. Im ok with that. I want to do that for him. But then theres his family. Im giving him pretty much all my monthly wages so that he can support his family and buy them things. Im glad Im helping them. I really am. But Im only twenty. I just dont feel ready for this kind of responsibility. Is this really selfish of me? Im starting to think about all the things that I want to do, all the things that I want to save for but I cant because Im supporting his family.
He wants to get married next year, and I dont want to lose him, but Im not ready for all of this commitment. I know that. But what I dont know is if I should be in a relationship with him at all. Its not just the money, its all the differences in our culture and backgrounds too...for example hes Muslim, Im atheist... I just dont know if i can make all the changes that I need to if I want to be with him. But I do want to be with him.. Am I being selfish? Am i just thinking of myself too much?
I would appreciate anyones opinion. I just really dont know what I should be doing. Thanks again..
Im English, and Ive just returned home after spending a year in Indonesia, where I met a lovely guy whom I am in a relationship with. I plan to return to Indonesia in a few months. And I will do this, because I promised him that I would. But Im not sure that Im doing the right thing..
i really really love him, and hes great, but Im starting to think its not going to work..
He's had a few problems recently, and so is unemployed, and cant get a good job until he finishes college. But, his family dont have any money to pay for his college. So, Im paying for it. Im ok with that. I want to do that for him. But then theres his family. Im giving him pretty much all my monthly wages so that he can support his family and buy them things. Im glad Im helping them. I really am. But Im only twenty. I just dont feel ready for this kind of responsibility. Is this really selfish of me? Im starting to think about all the things that I want to do, all the things that I want to save for but I cant because Im supporting his family.
He wants to get married next year, and I dont want to lose him, but Im not ready for all of this commitment. I know that. But what I dont know is if I should be in a relationship with him at all. Its not just the money, its all the differences in our culture and backgrounds too...for example hes Muslim, Im atheist... I just dont know if i can make all the changes that I need to if I want to be with him. But I do want to be with him.. Am I being selfish? Am i just thinking of myself too much?
I would appreciate anyones opinion. I just really dont know what I should be doing. Thanks again..
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Comments
I agree with pp, you are definately NOT being selfish questioning whether or not you should be spending almost all of your money on him and his family, the answer is, no, you shouldn't. Not if you are having any doubts about things at all.
You really need to talk to him about all these worries that you have, and please please dont rush into anything you dont feel 100% happy about.
I am blissfully happily married to a great Indian man though, so Im not saying it cant work, or cant be for the right reasons, it just often isn't.
Have pm'ed you too about this
Or the fact that she has money.
I'm not being rude or anyrthing, but I personally believe that it's not your responsibilty to have to pay for college for him or give him money so he can support his family.
It does seem like he's just using you.
This 'Muslim' man should know that women are not obliged to work in Islam and the responsibility of supporting the family rests upon the males. That is the culture of Indonesia and indeed any other Muslim majority country.
The fact that this man is getting support from a female who's not even married or related to him is shameful to say the least in a country like Indonesia. I'm sure his community will berate him for this... or there may be some elements of the community who will praise him for exploiting the silly Westerner.
Then post back in this thread with his reaction.
Hmm could be either .. but I've certainly seen on my trips abroad westerners (almost always white women) who go on holiday - meet a lovely guy who works at their hotel - he treats them well, really friendly - brings them home to meet the entire family and see how poorly they live and the next thing you know the girl has bought them a fridge.
Some people abroad are genuine and really nice but many are scammers too who get jobs in hotels and have a constant flow of westerners who they are overly nice to for tips, etc and they see it as a perk of the job to bag a westerner.
Last time I went on holiday I could see all these Russian girls in tears saying goodbye to the local hotel guys they'd met on their holiday - God knows how much money the boys had taken off of them.
People in the west aren't often used to be treated nicely, living in big cities and just being another face in the crowd and then they go to a small place, people take notice of them and treat them special ... well you can fill in the blanks I'm sure
I have been to stay with his family, and yes they have a pretty decent house, but then Ive seen his parents faces when he gives them money to pay bills, buy rice etc, and, well, it breaks my heart!
He promises me that he'll get a job when he's finished college, and so Im happy to pay for his college, as long as he does get a job..
I just dont want to believe that hes using me. And so I cant work out if Im being completely stupid or not.
Your not a bad person for not wanting to give him money.It doesnt matter how much he needs the money its not your place to be giving him it,especially when you dont really have it.The fact that he is making you feel obliged to give him cash should be setting off alarm bells,youve gotta remember some people can be manipulative and make you do what they are wanting you to do without actually asking you outright.
If i was you id watch my back stop giving him money then you will find out for sure if what he feels for you is real or not.