If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Comfort zones
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
ok this is kinda a tangent of special ks thread about quiet people
i used to be a quiet person, i make friends quite easily if a little slowly when i try (i think im quite a likeable person) but i really dont like being outside my comfort zone as i clam right up,
i used to be quiet alot unless around people i knew well/ trusted, since leaving school i have worked in pressure sales, then as a customer service rep in a supermarket, this has expanded my comfort zones slightly so that i dont mind asking direct/ awkward questions, and i dont fear rejection so much, (for a shy person asking someone to part with their money for something expensive is pretty hard) but i still feel like the supermarket has been included into my comfort zone rather than my shyness being reduced,
things that put me out of my comfort zone are,
1) mixing with a group i dont know, i suck at approaching people, i clam up my ears go red, i stammer and get my tongue twisted and i cant make eye contact, i tend to put myself somewhere in eyesight and wait to be included which leaves me feeling left out at times,
2) attractive girls really make me feel awkward, even if i dont actually fancy them i tend to lose it a little see above symptoms
3) going out, i'm quite selfconscious at times so being in a bar/club makes me a little edgy (unless im drunk in which case i act like a total idiot) im fine with my friends but anyone outside the group (unless brought in and included by someone i know) is un-approachable,
4) new people, i find it hard to bridge the initial gaps with people, by starting up a conversation, i tend to let others make the first move, i feel this holds me back in friendships and relationships as i only tend to become friends with/ go out with people i know from work or people i know from school,
other people say that they met this girl they liked when she came through their till a few times and then they asked for her number, for me this doesnt happen because i find it hard to make initial conversations, i always seem to need a kick start form someone else, ie an introduction or for them to say something first, by the time i've built up the courage to ask someone out i find i've been friend zoned or beaten to it by someone else cos i took so long over it,
anyone got any tips, or been through simillar things?
i used to be a quiet person, i make friends quite easily if a little slowly when i try (i think im quite a likeable person) but i really dont like being outside my comfort zone as i clam right up,
i used to be quiet alot unless around people i knew well/ trusted, since leaving school i have worked in pressure sales, then as a customer service rep in a supermarket, this has expanded my comfort zones slightly so that i dont mind asking direct/ awkward questions, and i dont fear rejection so much, (for a shy person asking someone to part with their money for something expensive is pretty hard) but i still feel like the supermarket has been included into my comfort zone rather than my shyness being reduced,
things that put me out of my comfort zone are,
1) mixing with a group i dont know, i suck at approaching people, i clam up my ears go red, i stammer and get my tongue twisted and i cant make eye contact, i tend to put myself somewhere in eyesight and wait to be included which leaves me feeling left out at times,
2) attractive girls really make me feel awkward, even if i dont actually fancy them i tend to lose it a little see above symptoms
3) going out, i'm quite selfconscious at times so being in a bar/club makes me a little edgy (unless im drunk in which case i act like a total idiot) im fine with my friends but anyone outside the group (unless brought in and included by someone i know) is un-approachable,
4) new people, i find it hard to bridge the initial gaps with people, by starting up a conversation, i tend to let others make the first move, i feel this holds me back in friendships and relationships as i only tend to become friends with/ go out with people i know from work or people i know from school,
other people say that they met this girl they liked when she came through their till a few times and then they asked for her number, for me this doesnt happen because i find it hard to make initial conversations, i always seem to need a kick start form someone else, ie an introduction or for them to say something first, by the time i've built up the courage to ask someone out i find i've been friend zoned or beaten to it by someone else cos i took so long over it,
anyone got any tips, or been through simillar things?
Beep boop. I'm a bot.
0
Comments
I think the first thing you've got to remember is to like yourself. This is a big key. If you don't like yourself, you don't think anyone else can like you either. This is especially important around people you don't know. Amongst your friends - they all know you, you are open, yes? Well they obviously like you - so the first thing is that you've got to like yourself and believe that you're likeable. It's not about telling yourself that you are but secretly doubting it - believe it.
I think the biggest breakthrough came for me when I realised that one of the things people admire the most is confidence. I think the key thing you've got to practice, and practice lots, is training yourself to have the confidence to overcome that initial obstacle - the introduction. This is technically simple but psychologically hard. I recommend practising when out - queuing for a drink? Introduce yourself to the person next to you... guy or girl, hot or not. It doesn't even have to be hard. Just smile, say 'hey, how's it going? I'm N'. Only the rudest person ignores a simple greeting, they're not worth bothering with. If they smile nervously and move off quickly - so what? It's not like you absolutely have to become friends with everyone you introduce yourself to. Practice saying hi, starting conversations with total strangers - small talk! Start small - just chat to people in the queue at the supermarket, queuing for drinks at the bar, the equally bored-looking person opposite you on the train. It's not hard - if they're not receptive, it's not because you're not nice, it's because they don't feel like talking right now. Move on. Find someone else. Try again.
Pretty soon you'll find yourself able to say 'hi' to pretty much everyone. Now is the time to try it with someone you're attracted to. Having the confidence to walk up without a cheesy pick-up line, give a big smile and say 'hi there, i'm N' is a bloody attractive quality and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. From then on - all you need to do is chat! This is the simple part. It doesn't really matter if you talk complete shit.
In a group, if you feel isolated - find some people having a discussion about something you are interested in, or know something about. Even if it seems closed, share your opinion. This will mostly result in you being immediately admitted to the discussion, whereupon you simply explain your opinion, then introduce yourself to the group of people you don't know.
Mixing with people just takes confidence. There's no trick about it, it just takes practise - so practise on people where it doesn't matter whether they talk to you or not. The more you practise, the easier it becomes.
I too am the kind of person who dislikes being thrown out of their comfort zone, but I have found that sometimes the most wonderful things happen when you do something that scares you a little, and the sense of pride and achievement you can feel by just taking more steps towards being more sociable or forward can be great.
There's a lot to be said for being the quiet one, the considered and attentive one, rather than being the brash annoying person in a room. However letting out a little bit of 'you' at the right times is rewarding and helps people get to know the real deeper you.
I know it sounds passe but have you considered joining a group, course, nightclass or campaigning group where you can meet other people who might have the same interest to start with? That way you're all on a level field plus you'e getting involved with doing something as a group where friendships can develop naturally. I joined my local amnesty international group for a while and met some nice people I may otherwise have not felt I had much in common with. I'm not saying that these people became lifelong soulmates, but their company became more familiar as time went on and I found myself starting to be more vocal and generating more ideas etc.
As far as going to bars goes, you probably need to go along with friends who do know you, maybe to meet their friends... the more time you spend in their company the more comfortable you will feel. Often it's just getting over that first step which is difficult for us shy people