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My brother assaulted me

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
And not for the first time either. He's 16, I'm 20. It takes the tiniest thing for him to fly off the handle- last night it was becuase I'd asked him to wash up everything he'd used to make his lunch which was going crusty and getting in the way of me making my dinner. We started arguing and it ended in him pushing me up against the kitchen door and hitting me. I was trying to get him off me, but he wasn't reacting at all. I was screaming in his face to try and deter him, and he was just bright red with rage, spitting and swearing at me, I couldnt get him off so I started kicking him in the crotch to get him to let go, but he didn't. Eventually he let go and stormed out of the house by which time I was hysterical and hyperventilating. Luckily my dad came home seconds later so I ran out the house to get my dad to help me. Dad stormed outside to ask my brother what had happened and he was calm as anything, asking dad what the problem was.

He's like Jekyll & Hyde at the moment, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. One second he's bright red and frothing at the mouth, the next he's nice as pie. He didn't seem to realise what he'd done. Dad doesn't know what to do about him, and mum wants to act like nothing happened. She's in total denial and doesn't want to admit theres a problem. Last time this happened he threw me down the stairs, and afterwards mum & dad sat him down and told him it wasn't to happen again, which is what they've done this time- but it didn't work last time so why should it this time? I'm terrified to be in the house with him, frustrated that mum and dad wont take it seriously and really upset. How can I make them see that they have to do something?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont know what to say, but that sounds really shit. I hope your parents take it seriously. Maybe you could call the police and ask for some advice. Say you dont want to press charges but get them to have a word with him if they have time (would they do that?)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    See that's the thing, I don't want to get anyone official involved because I don't think they'll help me informally if you know what I mean. I think mum & dad realise there's a problme but don't want to admit to it- my mums brother was very abusive too and they dont speak- mum also has a very frosty relationship with her mum now because of it- so my mums in denial because I know that deep down she's worried that we'll end up the same
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    maybe you should tell her that the way shes acting is more likely to have that result than her actually being supportive of you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You could move out? Temporarily like. Stay at a friends for a while and hopefully it will be enough to make your parents realise that you are seriously unhappy because of him.

    If they still do nothing, then maybe you'll be happier not living with them at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Is he using?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dobbin wrote: »
    And not for the first time either. He's 16, I'm 20. It takes the tiniest thing for him to fly off the handle- last night it was becuase I'd asked him to wash up everything he'd used to make his lunch which was going crusty and getting in the way of me making my dinner. We started arguing and it ended in him pushing me up against the kitchen door and hitting me. I was trying to get him off me, but he wasn't reacting at all. I was screaming in his face to try and deter him, and he was just bright red with rage, spitting and swearing at me, I couldnt get him off so I started kicking him in the crotch to get him to let go, but he didn't. Eventually he let go and stormed out of the house by which time I was hysterical and hyperventilating. Luckily my dad came home seconds later so I ran out the house to get my dad to help me. Dad stormed outside to ask my brother what had happened and he was calm as anything, asking dad what the problem was.

    He's like Jekyll & Hyde at the moment, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. One second he's bright red and frothing at the mouth, the next he's nice as pie. He didn't seem to realise what he'd done. Dad doesn't know what to do about him, and mum wants to act like nothing happened. She's in total denial and doesn't want to admit theres a problem. Last time this happened he threw me down the stairs, and afterwards mum & dad sat him down and told him it wasn't to happen again, which is what they've done this time- but it didn't work last time so why should it this time? I'm terrified to be in the house with him, frustrated that mum and dad wont take it seriously and really upset. How can I make them see that they have to do something?
    Move out. You're 20, do you work or are a student? Either way, not expensive to rent somewhere.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't earn enough to move out. I live in a bloody expensive area, I think it was actually listed as one of the most expensive areas of the UK to live in recently.


    I'm just really worried about my relationship with my mum too. This sucks.
  • patrick*gringo*patrick*gringo* Noob Posts: 147 Settling in
    Hi Dobbin, this sounds like an incredibly difficult situation for you and the whole family. You really could do with some support, and so could your brother. It also seems like your parents would be grateful for some pointers as to how to deal with this.

    First off, you need to think of you're own wellbeing. As people have already mentioned, moving away from the problem may be a short term solution, but on a practical level how realistic is this? There's the financial consideration- but also the fact that going to another area might not fit with the other things you have going on in your life- socially, workwise and studywise. If moving out's crossed your mind, you could check out TheSite.org's Home section or contact Shelter.

    In terms of dealing with the issue at hand- your brother's abusive behaviour- two things come to mind. First is working to get your brother to recognise that he's crossing boundaries of decency. He needs to recognise himself that this is unacceptable. Second, is working on what might be causing the behaviour in the first place.

    Whatever helps your brother sort himself out, it sounds like you could really benefit from some emotional support for yourself. Not being able to talk this through with your parents or your brother directly, is doubly difficult. Talking things through can help you get some perspective on things, and reassess your options. This could be close friends or family, or it could be someone external to the situation. This doesn't need to be about getting people involved who you don't want interfering in your life, but it can be about you getting the opportunity to talk through what you're going through. There are various helplines that will give you this opportunity like Supportline and like Get Connected.

    Finally, it sounds like your parents need support. It sounds like you've already told them what happened to you, but have you had the opportunity to really get it across to them exactly how your brother's behaviour is making you feel? Are there things you could do to help them talk about what they feel?

    These are just ideas- let us know how it goes. All the best.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dobbin wrote: »
    I don't earn enough to move out. I live in a bloody expensive area, I think it was actually listed as one of the most expensive areas of the UK to live in recently.
    There'll be people renting fine where you are earning less than you. In the country's most expensive cities you can rent for £5k/yr, a minimum wage job will give you £9k.. can't think of any other solution if he's 16, he's going to be there for some time to come.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like my sister when she was 16. She chased after me with a big fuck off kitchen knife once cos I told her I wanted to use the internet. Hormonal fucks! Wouldn't get the police involved, talk to your parents and your brother about his behaviour.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's no talking to him. I'm not even going near him. I'm goign home after work to pick up some stuff and going away for a couple of days, im not even going to look at him. Now mum's in a strop with me because I'm going away and she says I shouldn't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :yes: - talk to him when he is calm and do it in front of someone else.
    you have to confront the problem one way or another and not avoid it or else it will keep happening. if you ignore it and purposefully behave like your ignoring it you're just encouraging him. i suppose you could go to the police and that is an option but you would have to make an official complaint for them to do any thing and that might be taking it a bit far anyway. if talking to him doesn't work then look for another solution... but its gotta be worth a shot in the first place...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does he have any learning difficulties or mental health problems?

    Is he using any recreational drugs?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In answer to Namaste's post, yes, to some extent, he had a massive fit when he was born which has caused him some problems, but not visible or obvious ones. He is also epileptic and currently on medication to hold that- I don't know if that would affect him or not.

    Anyway, we had a big family talk last night because my mum was dead against me leaving. I think things will be better now (bloody hope they will), and he seemed genuinely very cut up over what he'd done. So thanks for the support, lets hope that it's over now. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I reckon you should actually have a one to one with your brother and tell him to stop acting like a nutta. Then have a word with your parents especially your mum and make sure they are on your side as you have done nothing wrong.

    Is your brother doing any drugs at the moment or has he got any problems at school/ with his mates/ girlfriend or whatever and he might be taking it out on you ?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds a lot like my brother at that age. Only I was the younger one and he used to beat the hell out of me. I found it pretty difficult to get taken seriously though - if he was a stranger, it'd have been assault, if he was a person at school, it'd have been bullying. But brothers and sisters are SUPPOSED to fight, apparently. Sounds like you're having a bit more luck being heard, which is good. Hope it carries on like that.

    We are starting to get on again now, so there's hope for the future and stuff (although we are v old now!).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My brothers kick/ed shit out of me too...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my brothers favourite thing was to pin me to the floor and gob on my face
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    did he give you petrol pumps while he was there too? Petrol pumps = knees on biceps, pump arms up and down so that bicep gets snapped forward and backward between knee and own bone = pain. Little sisters get hard!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    did he give you petrol pumps while he was there too? Petrol pumps = knees on biceps, pump arms up and down so that bicep gets snapped forward and backward between knee and own bone = pain. Little sisters get hard!
    my brothers favourite thing was to pin me to the floor and gob on my face

    that's so harsh man.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shit.

    I am the eldest brother and sure we used to fight but I was never ever that bad!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    see, older brothers just arent what they used to be in my day
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel007 wrote: »
    Shit.

    I am the eldest brother and sure we used to fight but I was never ever that bad!

    Me an bro used to kick off all the time! He was a bastard to live with back then. These days we hardly ever speak! :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    my brothers favourite thing was to pin me to the floor and gob on my face

    Mine used to sneeze in my face! Mmmm.... face full of snot.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    MancDan wrote: »
    Me an bro used to kick off all the time! He was a bastard to live with back then. These days we hardly ever speak! :lol:

    LOL - I share a flat with one of mine now!

    I wasn't super easy to live with and we definitely did not get on in the slightest, hate was close, but we grew out of that shit. Thank something or other.
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