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The girl of my dreams, but do I tell her?
BillieTheBot
Posts: 8,721 Bot
Oh, I’ve got a predicament at the moment, and it could hardly have come at a worse time. This should make me happy, instead it just fills me with yet more worry. It’s about a woman who I’ve known now for two years. We’ve got on great from the day we met. I think she’s clever, witty and simply beautiful. She’s 23, and a graduate who lives in London. Never expected we’d get on, it was a complete surprise. Living so far away from her, I’ve been able to keep my distance from her for a long time. We only meet up every few months, and so far, we’ve been meeting up as friends, although we have slept together a few times.
She recently took a holiday on the park where I work for two weeks, so I saw her quite often. She has had the most horrendously difficult of years. Her sister, whom she lives with in London, is pregnant and engaged to be married. Aside from that, she found out a few months ago that she has a biological sister. (having been put up for adoption at the age of four) They met each other recently and got on amazingly well, I am told. Over these months, I’ve been helping her out as much as I can, talking to her regularly. I’m the first to admit we’ve got very close. Initially, our attraction was more physical than anything else, but distance has changed that. Don’t get me wrong here – we both fancy the arses off each other, it’s just now we’ve more in common. In a convo last week, she told me that her feelings are getting “stronger and stronger by the day”. So are mine. And that’s precisely the problem.
A side of me does fancy getting together with her. But there’s just one or two things. In a few weeks, I’ll be starting university. For all I know, in six months time, I could be a completely different person to the one I am now. There’s also the distance issue. London and Manchester are pretty far apart, and sooner or later, one of us would have to make the move. I really don’t know what to do. When anyone so much as mentions her name, I get butterflies in my stomach. I can’t remember any occasion when I’ve felt like this before. Do I tell her how I feel and risk starting something we possibly can’t sustain, or just keep quiet? I’m so confused.
She recently took a holiday on the park where I work for two weeks, so I saw her quite often. She has had the most horrendously difficult of years. Her sister, whom she lives with in London, is pregnant and engaged to be married. Aside from that, she found out a few months ago that she has a biological sister. (having been put up for adoption at the age of four) They met each other recently and got on amazingly well, I am told. Over these months, I’ve been helping her out as much as I can, talking to her regularly. I’m the first to admit we’ve got very close. Initially, our attraction was more physical than anything else, but distance has changed that. Don’t get me wrong here – we both fancy the arses off each other, it’s just now we’ve more in common. In a convo last week, she told me that her feelings are getting “stronger and stronger by the day”. So are mine. And that’s precisely the problem.
A side of me does fancy getting together with her. But there’s just one or two things. In a few weeks, I’ll be starting university. For all I know, in six months time, I could be a completely different person to the one I am now. There’s also the distance issue. London and Manchester are pretty far apart, and sooner or later, one of us would have to make the move. I really don’t know what to do. When anyone so much as mentions her name, I get butterflies in my stomach. I can’t remember any occasion when I’ve felt like this before. Do I tell her how I feel and risk starting something we possibly can’t sustain, or just keep quiet? I’m so confused.
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Comments
Well at the forefront of this I would say is that university has been a long time in the making, and that in view of becoming more strongly attached to this girl, it does jeopardise your plans to attend uni. I think it's such an important life move for you and I would hate to think you'd be considering changing those plans. I don't think you would as you know how long it's been and you've got a good head on your shoulders. Just wanted to start with that.
I think that maybe you should express how you feel about her alongside with your other concerns. Tell her how you feel, what she means to you and how you'd like to be with her, but rationally you will be far away and starting uni and wouldn't want to put either of you in a position where you have to make large sacrafices or have to endure the pressures of being apart in what would be, in the short space between now and starting uni, the foundation of your relationship.
Also, my other concern is...you're going to uni! When I went to uni, my relationship went to pot quite quickly because I was meeting so many new people, becoming tempted, finding myself attracted and suddenly attached and unavailable to follow through when I liked someone. I went through a lot of emotions and became close to people as I was away from home and built friendships and relationships at uni. When I came back at xmas, my friends from home all have changed in some ways and relationships that had been going on for years suddenly fell apart now they were in seperate locations meeting new people.
I know that gives you more to consider but it could have a significant bearing on your decisions xx
As Malteser Monkay said there are of course risks with LDRs, especially with you about to move into a new phase in your life, but it can work. I met my boyfriend about a couple of months before he was due to graduate and move to London to start at Law School (I still had 3 years of my degree left) so we had to do long distance, between Bristol/Bath/Hanover(!) and London, seeing each other once every 3 to 6 weeks, and we got through it! I moved down to London in 2004 and now we're hoping to buy a flat early next year. What's that people are blethering about in the regrets thread in Anything Goes? Ah yes, 'it's better to regret something you have done than something you haven't'
Good luck.
It's also possible we have different life priorities at the moment. When I first met her, she was just a fun-loving girl. She openly admitted she wasn't in the mood for a relationship, she just wanted some fun. I felt the same way. However, there's been one or two things in her life which have changed over the last year, and priorities are getting different too. She talked in the last two weeks of settling down and even of having babies. Which would be quite a step for me, I must admit. I don't think she'd want to stop me from meeting people and getting to know them, having been to uni herself. And nor would I want to be trying to get on with a degree whilst raising a kid. Don't get me wrong, I like kids - I just don't fancy becoming a father yet! I must admit that your situation is one that's come to mind when I've been thinking about this. It would be inappropriate to discuss another member's private life on a public board, so I won't say much more on that. What I will say is, you've bloody changed since starting university!
I dunno. It's not that difficult to stay faithful. I can't say I was ever tempted to cheat, either in Brizzle or Hannover.
Yeah, but does she actually mean right now? Me and my boyfriend have discussed kids, but in the context of it being in at least 5, 6 years time (I want at least a tiny bit of career first, danke schoen). I think you're possibly thinking too deeply about stuff
about 2 hours on a direct train 'aint that far...
Would you prefer to be 27 and think back 'what if', having never met anyone since who you felt as close to?
I do think you're analysing every possible detail here, and you should try not to. I'm sure uni will be a bit of a step into the unknown, and I suppose the future with this girl is too.
Totally understand your doubts, been there myself with the distance thing aswell as the relationship before uni thing. I tried both and neither worked out, but I've not got a single regret about either of them.
Better to presume it won't than assume it will IMO.
I can understand her reasoning completely, but that doesn't mean I'm any less disappointed. I don't think she knows fully just how much she means to me. It was quite a blow, to say the least.