If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Controlling boyfriend
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey i'm new to this. sorry if this sounds stupid but i really need some advice. i've been with my partner for almost a year, we've been through so much together and i really do love him, however aswell as having a really loving side to his personality, he has a controlling side too.
friends - whenever i ask to go out with my friends for a whole day/night he gets really tetchy about it, saying that it's not fair on him as he has no friends to meet anymore because i have 'taken them away from him' (immature much?) i'm forever persuading him to get in contact with old friends but he shuns my suggestions every time. throughout our whole relationship i have spent 1 or 2 days in total with my friends alone (not including going to college and having days in) he always tell me i have to tell him a few days in advance if i am seeing my friends, and when i get to the night before seeing them, he'll make me feel guilty about going out. he says when we go out for a drink, i embarrass him infront of his mates because i am loud and all the rest of it, these happen to be the friends who i have introduced him to who say they love to go drinking with me and all that.
jealousy/being unfaithful - i think he may be capable of cheating as there have been rumours, and suggestive emails i have seen him sending to other women which hurt me a lot. this was a while ago, and he has promised to stop and i do believe he has. i used to be paranoid and check his emails all the time when it was happening, as soon as i stopped doing so he accused me of cheating and flirting with other men. it just seems like he has to throw all of his problems on me. the other day, me and my partner walked past some chavvy blokes they made a comment on my weight which clearly upset me, my partner didn't defend me what so ever we just walked off. it upset me that he didn't stand up for me, but i could understand what he did was the mature thing to do. later that day, a male friend of mine said i looked very attractive, my partner got aggressive towards him and had a pop at me saying i shouldn't let my friends say things like that to me and that it's winding him up. so if someone compliments me he wont like it, if someone insults me he doesn't really care. he also gets frustrated if i have a certain amount of cleavage showing, and wont let me wear short dresses as it's 'offering myself out on a plate'.
putting me down - he says i'm going no where in life (he's 18 on the doll and been unemployed for a year) i don't understand him. one minute he'll say i'm perfect in all ways, next he'll say i'm far from it. he puts words in my mouth and makes me feel shitty constantly.
his violent side - he says he has anger problems, and when hes drunk he he does sort of violent things like shoving me, grabbing me and getting really close in my face... it does scare me a little bit. when hes sober doesn't really do this.
his nice side - he takes me out for meals, does nice things for me, buys me things, says nice things, always a shoulder to cry on, gives me advice and we both are very comfortable with eachother.
is it me? - he says i'm always putting him down, walking all over him, fucking him about etc. but all these things he does to me. maybe i do it back but i really can't see it myself!? i'm not the person i used to be... since i've been with him. i feel bored, tearful, insecure, fed up and moody.
so what am i to do? we talk about our problems a lot but never sort them, so i don't know if that's really an option? i find it too hard to end it with him as i love him and can't really see my life without him... seeing him with someone else would kill me. my family don't know the whole situation but they seem to think i take him for granted and that he's a very special person. my friends get on with him well... i don't know if it's just me with the problem or both of us. i would appriciate advice so so so much!:)
sorry about the essay lol
friends - whenever i ask to go out with my friends for a whole day/night he gets really tetchy about it, saying that it's not fair on him as he has no friends to meet anymore because i have 'taken them away from him' (immature much?) i'm forever persuading him to get in contact with old friends but he shuns my suggestions every time. throughout our whole relationship i have spent 1 or 2 days in total with my friends alone (not including going to college and having days in) he always tell me i have to tell him a few days in advance if i am seeing my friends, and when i get to the night before seeing them, he'll make me feel guilty about going out. he says when we go out for a drink, i embarrass him infront of his mates because i am loud and all the rest of it, these happen to be the friends who i have introduced him to who say they love to go drinking with me and all that.
jealousy/being unfaithful - i think he may be capable of cheating as there have been rumours, and suggestive emails i have seen him sending to other women which hurt me a lot. this was a while ago, and he has promised to stop and i do believe he has. i used to be paranoid and check his emails all the time when it was happening, as soon as i stopped doing so he accused me of cheating and flirting with other men. it just seems like he has to throw all of his problems on me. the other day, me and my partner walked past some chavvy blokes they made a comment on my weight which clearly upset me, my partner didn't defend me what so ever we just walked off. it upset me that he didn't stand up for me, but i could understand what he did was the mature thing to do. later that day, a male friend of mine said i looked very attractive, my partner got aggressive towards him and had a pop at me saying i shouldn't let my friends say things like that to me and that it's winding him up. so if someone compliments me he wont like it, if someone insults me he doesn't really care. he also gets frustrated if i have a certain amount of cleavage showing, and wont let me wear short dresses as it's 'offering myself out on a plate'.
putting me down - he says i'm going no where in life (he's 18 on the doll and been unemployed for a year) i don't understand him. one minute he'll say i'm perfect in all ways, next he'll say i'm far from it. he puts words in my mouth and makes me feel shitty constantly.
his violent side - he says he has anger problems, and when hes drunk he he does sort of violent things like shoving me, grabbing me and getting really close in my face... it does scare me a little bit. when hes sober doesn't really do this.
his nice side - he takes me out for meals, does nice things for me, buys me things, says nice things, always a shoulder to cry on, gives me advice and we both are very comfortable with eachother.
is it me? - he says i'm always putting him down, walking all over him, fucking him about etc. but all these things he does to me. maybe i do it back but i really can't see it myself!? i'm not the person i used to be... since i've been with him. i feel bored, tearful, insecure, fed up and moody.
so what am i to do? we talk about our problems a lot but never sort them, so i don't know if that's really an option? i find it too hard to end it with him as i love him and can't really see my life without him... seeing him with someone else would kill me. my family don't know the whole situation but they seem to think i take him for granted and that he's a very special person. my friends get on with him well... i don't know if it's just me with the problem or both of us. i would appriciate advice so so so much!:)
sorry about the essay lol
0
Comments
I have to be honest though, my initial reaction was "leave him". I don't think anyone who makes you feel that bad for such a lot of the time is worth the effort. I just offered the advice above because you said already that you don't want to ditch him.
I also find it worrying that he shows signs of violence.
You're only young, I think you should break up with him and enjoy being with your friends.
This quote says it all to me:
Hey, I'm really sorry to read about the situation you're in.
I can totally understand how it has got to a stage where you can't see your life without your boyfriend - I think this can become the case in any relationship that lasts a long time.
Talking to someone who hasn't met this guy may help you to come to a decision about what to do next - posting on these forums is a great first start - but further unbias advice may help even more.
Careline is well known for the NATIONAL Telephone counsellling service, available by dialing 0845 122 8622. Trained counsellors are available Monday to Friday, 10am to 1pm and 7pm to 10pm. They may also be able to refer you for face-to-face counselling if you'd like it.
You say your family think's he's a special person - but regardless of what they know or don't know - you're the one who is spending the time with him so it's your happiness that really counts here. It sounds like you both may be stuck in a bit of a rut where you do care for each other a lot, but you perhaps rely on each other too much, maybe project negativity onto each other (maybe him more than you) and are prohibiting each other's development.
If you feel like the controlling side you've described is getting out of hand then you may find TheSite's article on leaving a controlling partner, helpful.
Take care of yourself and keep posting.
Once you have a bit of space without him, you can think about what you want. It's very hard to think clearly when you're in the middle of something to see what is really going on.
I think you knew you wanted to break up with him before you even posted this.
It's not going to be easy. Good luck.
A few years back, i had this really good friend. He was awesome...we had a lot of fun together, and he was always really awesome. However, in April 2005, something happened that I will never forget...he basically did a complete 180 degree personality flip. He went from being the nice, caring, fun guy he used to be to being quite nasty, and scary. He used to act as if he "owned" me...he'd always want to know, and have control over where i had been, where i was, where i was going, who i was with, who i'd talked to, etc. He also used to tell me that i was going nowhere, and that i deserved what was happening to me. And what sucks even more is that i actually believed all this crap he force-fed me.
As for his violent side...well thank God he didn't take it out on me...but he did assault a very good friend of mine...i know i came bloody close to having it happen to me though.
But yeah...i don't mean to freak you out or anything, but please....be careful.
Dump Him ..
:yes: