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Rejection take 3

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Since spliting up with my last long term boyfriend in April, I have had several "things"-call them what you like, but all the same, i still felt strongly towards all three of them, all of which have rejected me in some in not particularly nice ways.

I'm now starting to wonder if i can ever let myself get close to anyone again. I'm so tired of being hurt and having abuse thrown at me, i really wonder whether all the effort is worth it anymore...

I know that i can be a little bit too intense for some people's liking, which i had to learn the hard way, but trying to get the balance seems very difficult...and even when i think i've got it right, i get completly ignored by someone i'm crazy about...

why is the ones that say they love you are the ones that actually hurt you the most? I know that i do crave love, and that is thus often a problem, and could be seen as a major personality flaw...but people do seem to pray upon this fact, and thus i end up being completely used and abused and left hurt.

so after this happening 3 times in resent months, i'm left feeling pretty desolate, and thinking that i can't be good enough far any of these people...what the fuck is wrong with me for people to do this to be time and time again...?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i really really hate being single, i have many reasons but i just hate being single. very few of my mates are single, and i feel very left out, and i don't have much of a social life as it is...i have issues with being lonely, i have done for a very long time, and i suppose thats a good part of the reason that i fall for people so easily...it just hurts so much when they then send you flying
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    i really really hate being single, i have many reasons but i just hate being single. very few of my mates are single, and i feel very left out, and i don't have much of a social life as it is...i have issues with being lonely, i have done for a very long time, and i suppose thats a good part of the reason that i fall for people so easily...it just hurts so much when they then send you flying

    Hey TT,
    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so lonely. It sounds like you've been through a lot over the last three months and although it may feel like getting a new boyfriend will solve this problem, rushing into unsuitable relationships can make things more painful in the long run.

    Matt's given some really sound insights -
    Keep your heart open, but only give it to people who are worth it and you are sure about. Give it to yourself first though, it's yours and no one else's.

    While it's great for you to meet new men, if you find someone you really like perhas just take a step back. Perhaps take this opportunity to learn from your experience and get to know people more before you jump into full on relationship. That way you're likely to meet more new friends and find out if a person is really keen to get to know you back.

    As for feeling left out, have you talked to your friends about this? You don't have to complain to them about it, but just maybe suggest some days/nights out that don't involve couples and try to embrace your single period rather than hate it.

    Take good care :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it just difficult getting back any self confidence after being told to fuck off 3 times over...i do feel quite worthless
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it just difficult getting back any self confidence after being told to fuck off 3 times over...i do feel quite worthless

    *hugs* :(

    The annoying thing is, I think the rejection you're probably feeling is from within yourself... if you hate being lonely/alone it sounds like you're rejecting yourself first of all... if you're giving the message to these guys you meet that you don't think you're worth it, then what are they going to think?

    You obviously know yourself very well, which is a start... I do think you should take some time to step back and be happy with yourself before getting into another relationship... Relationships should be about harmonising with someone, not being made whole by them... which sounds like how you must feel about relationships.

    I used to hate being alone too... I'd feel lonely and sad and sorry for myself all the time... I was actually depressed at the time, and since I've recovered from the depression I've been amazed to find that I feel completly content by myself. I'd love to be with someone, but not for the wrong reasons.
    It's probably scary and daunting thinking of taking some time out to 'recover' - but it would probably help.

    I think 'rejection' is a horrible word to describe when someone loses interest in someone else (no matter how tactlessly they deal with it) - it sounds like they're repelling you, when actually they've just decided to go down another path. Try not to see it as something personally against yourself (I know it can be hard) - tell yourself that you are absolutly 100% desirable and loveable, and it takes a certain special someone to see how special you are, warts and all. Your paths will meet in the middle, but not until it's the right time. Every time you think it might be it and then it turns out not to be, you're just getting a little closer and learning more as you go.

    Everyone gets 'rejected' at some point... some more than others. It has nothing to do with your self worth. Some people just find it easier to pick themselves up again, and it's OK if you find that difficult, it's a learning proccess.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lu_C wrote: »
    *hugs* :(

    The annoying thing is, I think the rejection you're probably feeling is from within yourself... if you hate being lonely/alone it sounds like you're rejecting yourself first of all... if you're giving the message to these guys you meet that you don't think you're worth it, then what are they going to think?

    :yes: I think you hit the nail on the head there.

    Like others have said, getting a new boyfriend won't solve everything... you have to find inner peace and satisfaction with yourself and your own life before you can enjoy being in a successful relationship. God I sound like a Buddhist monk! lol

    I know it sucks, I get times when I feel really lonely and wish I had someone. These feelings get worse when I'm rejected or lose out on someone for whatever reason, which believe me, happens fairly frequently. But then I remember how good my life is and I just try and look on the bright side of what I have. When something is ready to happen, it'll happen.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    pill 'ed wrote: »
    Like others have said, getting a new boyfriend won't solve everything... you have to find inner peace and satisfaction with yourself and your own life before you can enjoy being in a successful relationship. God I sound like a Buddhist monk! lol

    You are right though.
    very few of my mates are single, and i feel very left out, and i don't have much of a social life as it is...i have issues with being lonely, i have done for a very long time, and i suppose thats a good part of the reason that i fall for people so easily...it just hurts so much when they then send you flying

    You have just described me, that being said, I'm not really that interested in being with anyone right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i thought that i was ok...
    i shall highlight that none of these 3 were boyfriends, and
    only one of them i did anything with...yet i still feel like a whore...

    i think it's a case of regaining some self respect and self esteem, along with learning to be happy in myself, i'm trying to work through this one, but i've been lonely all my life and i really don't know why...seems to be my stumbling block
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You might find some Shopenhour helpful, I cant for the life of me spell his name properly, but he thought that love was mearly a construct of the unconcsious to help us mate. When we are rejected by someone it isnt our fault, it is because the other persons unconcsious thought that they could have better and more balanced children with some other partner, and that soon enough someone else will come along whose unconcsious has a slightly different idea of what is perfect and you'll fit together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hahaha!

    things are slightly better, i.e. i have my eye on a guy but want to be incredibly causious...and he's in the middle of recording an album so, i shall leave him to his use his creative genius for a while...i suppose sugestting apocolypse now as something to see on a date could be seen as a bit much...

    i feel the need to surround myself with friends and possible admirers...

    and yes i do realise that i'm slightly odd and perverse
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why is the ones that say they love you are the ones that actually hurt you the most?

    Because they are the ones who you have the stringest emotional tes to and therefore you feel their "rejection" the stongest. It's natural.
    I know that i do crave love, and that is thus often a problem, and could be seen as a major personality flaw...

    I wouldn't call it a flaw, from what you have said elsewhere that is understandable reaction to your life history. What you do need to be wary of, though, is looking for that love in people who are unworthy of it.
    but people do seem to pray upon this fact

    I suspect that this is a perspective thing and that there really isn;t this big conspiracy. Many of us have been through very short-term relationships, when we have felt that this could have potential only to be let down. Most of us, though, don't have that back story which makes rejection feel so much harder.

    You'd think that you'd become numb to it, immune almost, but personally I believe that frequent feeling of rejection only exacerbate the hurt everytime it happens.
    i can't be good enough far any of these people...what the fuck is wrong with me for people to do this to be time and time again...?

    TBH It probably says as much about them as you.

    Keep hanging in there, it's a big world with loads of people in it. They won't all reject you.
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