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dealing with mother
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My mum has had ME (otherwise known as chronic fatigue syndrone) since i was 4, and for much of my childhood, i was effectivly a young carer.
now, i live on my own, and my mum is living on her own in spain. My mum has had a very bad month, and hasn't been able to work, and thus has bills pilling up. I feel like i need to help her financialy, though, realisticaly i can't do that, as i'm living off £45 a week. But i feel really responsible for her, and i'm getting really worried as she can't claim benefits in spain, and as i'm her only child and she hasn't got anyone else.
she does do this guilt trip thing, but i really can't live in Spain any more, and she won't come and live back in england again. what can i do to make sure that she can still live if she has another bad spell...
and what can i do to stop myself feeling responsible for her...i keep saying to myself that i;m the child and she's the parent...but we've always had a very odd relationship...
now, i live on my own, and my mum is living on her own in spain. My mum has had a very bad month, and hasn't been able to work, and thus has bills pilling up. I feel like i need to help her financialy, though, realisticaly i can't do that, as i'm living off £45 a week. But i feel really responsible for her, and i'm getting really worried as she can't claim benefits in spain, and as i'm her only child and she hasn't got anyone else.
she does do this guilt trip thing, but i really can't live in Spain any more, and she won't come and live back in england again. what can i do to make sure that she can still live if she has another bad spell...
and what can i do to stop myself feeling responsible for her...i keep saying to myself that i;m the child and she's the parent...but we've always had a very odd relationship...
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Comments
I know its hard but your mum has made her choice not to come back to live in england but still expects you to just give up your life.
you need to be strong and although its hard you need to let your mother work things out for herself, you have your own life to live and if you've cared for her for years while growing up its time you took care of yourself.
Good luck..
I don't know how to make you feel less responsible, but you're obviously not in any place to contribute at the moment. The better you get on with your life now, the more able you'll be to help her out in the future.
She's an adult, and while she might not be as physically capable as some that doesn't stop her being aware of her needs and requirements. She needs to look after herself. You have had a hard time looking after her in the past and you need to make sure you put yourself first and try not to put too much energy into fretting about her.
Stay in the UK, stick with your plans and keep in touch, but ignore any comments about money etc.
xx
We were living in spain together, and she had a reasonable wage coming in from landscaping gardens, but her ex really cleared her out and her new business hasn't taken off yet...but i think she thought that the ME wouldn't come back...but she didn't have a back up plan if it did.
my problem is that she has no one, and if she had a fall or a car accident, i'm her next of kin, and thus it falls to me to sort it out
when i was about 14 my grandparents got altzhiemers(spelling?), they lived 2 hrs away and we didnt get to see them very often.
they would do stupid stuff like going out and leaving the doors open or buying huge quantities of things from bastard unscrupulous salesmen, like the time some coniving git sold 1.3k of fish to my nan. they were fiercely idependant and would deny there being anything wrong out of pride, but whenever things went wrong they would expect my dad to sort it out, he would end up driving up there at short notice to explain to the manager of a fish company why he cancelled the cheque for all that fish and wanted it collected, or some other incident, in the end he had to get financial control and take their cheque books away and pay their bills himslef and give them pocket money. in the end him and his 2 brothers made them move to 10 mins away,
anyway my point is that your mother has made the choice to live in spain,
if she wants your help and support then she has to accept that its gonna be strictly emotional, if she lived closer she would get benefits and you would be able to visit her and do a few more things for her without crippling your own life.
it's a catch 22. I'm going to feel guilty if i don't go, and if i do i know i'm going to feel hard hit in the pocket...