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reality check

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi,

First off, let me just say that i am not anti-drugs in the 'just say no' sense.i have been taking pills for about 7 mths now and they do make me feel absolutely amazing, and i know that when i am fucked all i can say is "why doesn't everyone do this all the time?"

The problem i am having now is that they make me feel too damn good, and even though i try to limit myself to pilling once or twice a month and only one or 2 pills a night, i find myself closing my eyes in the middle of the afternoon just wishing i was fucked.

Everyone who's done E or probably any other drug will know what I'm talking about.it doesn't matter how shit it makes you feel the next day or how expensive it is or how much it is affecting the rest of your life;once you've tried it the need is always there.

I have been reading posts from the past few months and i have actually seen things like:
"don't try base, it is the dirtiest drug in the world"
next to:
"i love base, it's wicked <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">&quot;
often written by the same person.

It's that kind of stuff that i've got a problem with, because i know that for myself at least that self-deception is more destructive than any drug. Even though i like to tell myself that i'm not addicted and that i could stop anytime, it's only recently that i realised that i am the same as some of my other friends who kept saying that they were fine and are now in some serious shit.

As kids we are told that all drugs are bad and they *will* kill you and that there is no grey area at all, but of course when we try it and realise that drugs make you feel really good and are usually ok in terms of safety we dismiss everything we were taught as crap. Then slowly we use more and more to try and hold on to these amazing feelings and don't even notice that we are in far deeper than we thought, and before long we forget what it was like before we started.

I'd basically like to know what everyone else thinks-could you give drugs up now? would you consider yourself an addict?



Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Quality post mate!
    Some drugs I could give up now such as coke and base and even hash cos I don't really enjoy them as much as I used to.

    Shrooms and in particular pills I would find hard to give up, but I don't rteally care cos I don't want to give them up.

    I know what you mean about trying to limit yourself - it's hard innit. I totally understand why you love 'em so much but realise that you've only be doing them for 7 months so enjoy it cos after a while the novelty wears off. I've been doin 'em for about 5 years since I was 14 and although ecstasy is still my fave drug it's nothing compared to what it used to be for me.

    As this is your first post why not make the next one in the Anything goes and give us some info on yourself <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

    - Skive
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is something which I have often talked about with my friends. I think that, given the right motivation, I could stop taking any of the drugs I take. Not easily, but I could. I don't consider myself a complete addict (maybe a slight one...) and i believe that drugs are just a social thing.
    I know that before I started taking many of them, my opinion of them was somewhat different to what is is now.

    I used to think that ketamine was a nasty thing that I would never do. It took someone about 30 seconds to persuade me to try it, and I liked it. Since then I have taken it many times, and I think its very nice. However, if given a reason to, or if I felt like I wanted to, I could go qith never taking it again without too much difficulty.

    Pils are my favorite, and main, drug. I would hate to give them up now. they form a large part of my social life, and the best nights of my life have been on E. I was faced with the prospect of having to give them up for medical reasons not long ago, and the idea scared me, but I was prepared to do it.

    As soon as I start to see signs that drugs may be doing me some serious harm, I will quit without hesitation.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have been addicted to just about every bloody drug except heroin in some way or another. Sometimes its nothing to do with being physically addicted at all and its totally a mental thing with me.

    Im nothing as bad as I used to be in terms of the drug that I place in the center of my life right now, however I can be totally honest and say Ive never been this bad in terms of the amount Im doing.

    Unfortunatly Im using base everyday and have been for the past 3 or 4 months (think thats bout right...who knows). Its purely out of having the money while Im living at home, nothing to do all day, depression and not wanting a come-down, but mostly in order to not have an appetite and not eat!

    Ive got myself back into the cycle now, which Ive been in b4, where the amount I take in one go is horrendous and if I ever wanted to stop now Id need 3 days miniumum to just sleep and get it out of my system!

    Thats what my holiday was gonna be in aid of...but i wont say no more than that!!! Being a mum I cant just have 3 days off and get myself together...ive gotta look after a child and trust me after being bang on base for this length of time, stopping isnt easy or pleasant at all!

    I hate myself for doing this, but I also know I could be worse and at least Im sensible a tiny bit to make sure Im only doing enough to supress my apetite and not be off my face! No dout Ill be looked at as an arse-hole of a mother after writing this, but u wouldnt be exactly wrong i gotta say... however its easy just to class me as that when u have no knowledge of my shit life so far lol!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I honestly don't think you are a shit mother. Seriously.

    This might be presumptuous and absolutely none of my business, but have you looked for help about your eating disorder? That seems to lie at the heart of the drugs thing, but even the anorexia also only a symptom of an underlying problem.

    I also had problems w/ eating for about 2 yrs or so, and have only recently looked for help for it. It became clear that no matter what I was doing,I couldn't run away from the real problems. Food can be just as addictive as anything else, but the difference is that you *can't* go without it. There is a way to get beyond it but not without dealing with the real stuff lurking underneath.

    If it would help to talk through anything with someone who knows little but cares a lot, I'm always here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    that really was a top post, depraved. i'm really glad you came to this site.

    i find a similar thing with hash, which is the only drug that i totally cane

    lolly you are not a shit mum, and i think you have coped amazingly well so far. i'm proper amazed at how you can afford that much base though?

    take care
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by DepRaved:
    I honestly don't think you are a shit mother. Seriously.

    This might be presumptuous and absolutely none of my business, but have you looked for help about your eating disorder? That seems to lie at the heart of the drugs thing, but even the anorexia also only a symptom of an underlying problem.

    I also had problems w/ eating for about 2 yrs or so, and have only recently looked for help for it. It became clear that no matter what I was doing,I couldn't run away from the real problems. Food can be just as addictive as anything else, but the difference is that you *can't* go without it. There is a way to get beyond it but not without dealing with the real stuff lurking underneath.

    If it would help to talk through anything with someone who knows little but cares a lot, I'm always here.

    just to say that you're right, food is addictive, it just happens that i also and addicted to not eating it. and you're right again, you *can't* go without it, it fucks you up so badly. i must sound a real hypocrite.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by DepRaved:
    I honestly don't think you are a shit mother. Seriously.

    This might be presumptuous and absolutely none of my business, but have you looked for help about your eating disorder? That seems to lie at the heart of the drugs thing, but even the anorexia also only a symptom of an underlying problem.

    I also had problems w/ eating for about 2 yrs or so, and have only recently looked for help for it. It became clear that no matter what I was doing,I couldn't run away from the real problems. Food can be just as addictive as anything else, but the difference is that you *can't* go without it. There is a way to get beyond it but not without dealing with the real stuff lurking underneath.

    If it would help to talk through anything with someone who knows little but cares a lot, I'm always here.

    Thanx very much, like Charley said its great that u have joined thesite <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    Im well aware I have eating problems...u wouldnt no any of this though so not your fault. I was in hospital for 6 months for a breakdown, anorexia, self harm and drug use (a few other things Ill leave out lol!) and trust me I know the underlying problem and why I do it and infact couldnt reaslly be more informed about what I do to myself and why etc etc.

    I wish I could sit here and say there were options for me left and I could try another route to get myself sorted but Im not joking when I say Ive exhausted all my options.

    About 2 months ago I made a consciouse decision, after some hard work with my psychologist (amazing bloke I gotta say and Ive never got on with anyone trying to help me b4 lol), to sort my life out and change stuff.

    I recognized that I may have a distorted veiw of myself and also that I thought little of myself and therefore allowed friends and blokes to shit on me! Since then Ive done nothing but try in every way possible to change myself and everything.

    When Ive met a bloke Ive looked at the whole picture and as soon as he slipped up and showed one sign of being a wanker Id have gotten rid of him. Thing is that the 2 blokes Ive almost been with after attempting changing myself, neither of em were wankers and Id known them both for ages. Still they turned out to be stupid pricks that ended up hurting me.

    Thats a small part of the shit Ive had in the past few months since wanting to change my life. Ive had my great aunt die, the other day my cousins nan (like a nan to me also) died and neither one of their funerals can I attend due to one member of my familly being there, my dad had heart operation from a blocked artery and it very nearly (if it hadnt been spotted by accident!) killed him, 2 blokes have shitted on me, most my friends have fucked off, and all this time I kept saying how it was ok coz I just needed that 7 day holiday in Ibiza and Id sort my head out.

    That was the icing on the cake for me...and if u knew what went on out there u would understand. I ended up coming home a day later at 5 am coz I feared for my life, put it that way.

    My mate is still there and unable to get back and if only u knew the situation Im now involved in and Im all of 19. I shouldnt be going through this or even seeing what I have by the age of 19...and to be honest I cannot deal with the fact my best mate is pregnant and stuck in Ibiza where Im praying she aint gonna...(wont even say it!) coz Id never forgive myself for leaving her there!

    All this shit has happened after I finally tried to make things change and get a life for myself...how can that be coz its worse in many ways!

    Im not even lying, or being negative when I say there is nothing left for me to try in terms of having things go right for me in my life. Ive seen every kind of docter, psychologist, psychiatrist etc etc available and done every sort of therapy on myself to make things change and nothing ever gets better for me.

    My day to day life in general is nothing but constant bloody problems...for instance if I go into a shop and buy something u can almost always guaruntee that Ill be the one who gets to the till right when the cashier runs outta change! Thats the story of my life...its a constant fucking battle and to be honest Ive no idea whats left for me to try.

    All I want is to be happy and give Liam the best I can and maybe not have constant problems and what seems like bad luck.

    Someone somewhere is punishing me for something and I just wish I knew why :O(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jesus christ where the hell did that come from...sorry for my little outbursts, im just kind of lost at the moment lmfao...ill never get over the length of the post i just wrote!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey. its ok to let it all out, well done <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">. i just hope shit turns out ok for you, and for liam as well of course.

    and i'm sorry for bringing "it" up...

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hay mate <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">, some of us might be hundreds of miles away and you might not be able to see us but you can talk to us anytime on here. We'll always try and cheer you up.

    You've got to one of the most respected member of this site and we all care about yer and were glad to see you posting again even though you might be having some harsh shit happen to you.

    I know from months of reading your posts on here that your a superb mother to Liam so don't make yourself feel so bad a`nd don't be so paranoid. I know what it's like when you find youself in a hole and you can't seem to get out of it. Everything will come right, you'll see <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;

    - Skive
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey,

    There is, of course, nothing I can say to make things easier for you. Just remember that you are loved,by your son and by people here. I am amazed that you are standing after all of the shit that you have gone through, but please don't give up trying.

    xxx

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by charley:
    just to say that you're right, food is addictive, it just happens that i also and addicted to not eating it. and you're right again, you *can't* go without it, it fucks you up so badly. i must sound a real hypocrite.


    Not at all. That's the beauty of eating disorders - they become both symptom and cause and any kind of logic goes out of the window. I think it is one of the hardest addictions to beat because it relies on absolute self control to eat just the right amount of food and not more or less. Of course, the issue of control has a lot to do with the disorder itself, so I've found that things get tangled up pretty quickly.

    As has my thought process.

    Anyway, thanks for the kind words-it's an honour to be here. <IMG alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif"&gt;



    if in doubt-dance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you think taking drugs has been worth it or do u wish you never went near 'em?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't regret taking them at all. If I had I'd have stopped taking them long ago. I've come to realise that although they can be damaging they can also be extremely rewarding!

    - Skive
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Hmmmmm....good question, and one I've recently discussed with my friends. If I had never tried any drugs I think my life would've been a lot different. Probably more successful (in conventional terms anyway) but a helluva lot less interesting and funny.

    For example, two years ago when I moved to the place I'm living at now I undertook a solemn and signed oath (while under the influence of a chemical combination) that I was gonna have a life adventure. Not trekking through the desert or anything like that, but that I was gonna seize oppurtunities and do stuff I wanted to do for no other reason than I wanted to do them. Suffice to say through many highs and lows I now stand at the pinnacle of my adventure, it ain't the best of places to be, but 'tis my own.

    If it wasn't for a few chemicals here and there, I wouldn't be at the same place with the same attitudes and ideas. Overall I'm glad I did, with just a couple of regrets along the way.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do drugs lead to adventure?

    I don't know. Sometimes I think that they open doors into places that would be impossible to reach otherwise, but then I think that all they are doing is triggering certain biological reactions and are actually no use at all.

    I also think that once you have used drugs you change fundamentally, and not just because of the comedowns or physical effects. As I was saying earlier there is that feeling of disappointment with the non-chemically enhanced world, but also a sort of hardness that comes from the secrecy and kudos of finding and taking drugs. I often catch myself being a complete bitch if say I've got pills and someone else doesn't, which is really no the kind of thing that I would have done before.

    As for the drugs themselves, they feel really fucking great but again I have found that after taking pills for a bit I am just generally less happy and more irritable than I used to be. Although having said that, I think that at the moment I am willing to sacrifice that extra bit of day-to-day happiness for the sake of having some amazing nights.

    So basically at this stage I don't regret what I am doing and have done, but I do have this feeling in the back of my mind that in the future I will regret having started all this.

    if in doubt-dance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hiya without hurting anyones feelings I was just wandering if by taking drugs has any1 had any serious regrets? Or has any1 had 2 sacrifice family/friends due 2 drug taking? Don't answer if you don't want 2.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by bigbirddaisychain2001:
    hiya without hurting anyones feelings I was just wandering if by taking drugs has any1 had any serious regrets? Or has any1 had 2 sacrifice family/friends due 2 drug taking? Don't answer if you don't want 2.

    my best mate constantly gets on at me for taking pills, and sometimes i want to stop because i think that im hurting her, but if it hadn't of tried drugs then i wouldn't be as open minded about drug use as i am. i just wish that she would feel the same, but i would never encourage her to take drugs
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