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i knew this would happen

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I like zopiclone. If you can, go and lie down in a comfy possition so that when it kicks in (was quite quick when I took it) you will already be in bed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think ill go to bed now then, my eyes feel pretty heavy, thanks again guys :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hope you managed to get a good night's sleep. Thinking of you x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    home visit happened and ended because they thought they were upsetting me. i told them i cant promise not to hurt myself and they are coming over tomorrow and even suggested once a month visit. its stupid. i make it clear i need help and they dont want to give it. the pills are working so i feel drugged up all of the time and numb. they dont want me to go into hospital because its not a nice place but i tell them i want to be somewhere i cant harm myself. no one listens. i self harmed this morning and cut my face down my cheek.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I can't really empathise with self harming since it has never ever ocurred to me to hurt myself or cause pain in any way. But can't you just think to yourself this has got to stop? If you turn your emotions into anger at HIM instead of hurting YOU. He sounds like an utter twat. We don't know the full story, maybe he couldn't cope with the situation or maybe there was another reason which you don't know about yet. But he's used you (been intimate) and then dumped you and you should be feeling hate! Or at least try to. If you keep feeling sorry for yourself then it will just get worse and worse. You need to help yourself. I'll probably get flamed now because I "don't understand" but thats the way I see it.


    eta: Also briggi gave some good advice on what positive steps you should be taking to help yourself move on from this. Get out the house too, go for walks, get some fresh air and think beyond the present. I hope I don't seem insensitive because you must be heartbroken but its horrible to think that you're hurting yourself.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    lipsy wrote: »
    you should be feeling hate! Or at least try to.

    :no: I think his behaviour has been extremely unfortunate, but I can't see she has any reason to hate this guy and it's rarely, if ever, a productive way to feel.

    When you still love someone it can feel like your life will never be good again, but there's so many people on these boards who can testify to the fact that you can mend a broken heart. You have a great future ahead of you, please don't forget how lovely and bright you are.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    **Helen** wrote: »
    :no: I think his behaviour has been extremely unfortunate, but I can't see she has any reason to hate this guy and it's rarely, if ever, a productive way to feel.

    ok well maybe hate was the wrong word to use but I was just trying to say that she needs to channel her energies in a different direction.
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    lipsy wrote: »
    ok well maybe hate was the wrong word to use but I was just trying to say that she needs to channel her energies in a different direction.

    Yes, that makes sense. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    they came again and were shit
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    However much these people try they can't work magic for you, and they can't lock you up in a padded cell.

    No one can force you to change your actions or how you are feeling, that has to come from inside you, and it will take time and support for that to happen.

    It sounds like your mum is great, try and give the help you do get a reasonable opportunity to help your mum as well as trying to support you directly.

    Like others have said, try not to let this take over your life, find things to do, go for walks, go for a run, go for a swim, polish the dinner service, clean the insides of all the windows at home to make them sparkle........

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    they came again and were shit

    why were they shit? are you making the most of them being there, trying to get the most out of the visits?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why were they shit? are you making the most of them being there, trying to get the most out of the visits?

    i try to, they are nice but suggest the same things like elastic bands which iv tried and dont find useful..ice cubes etc. i tell them and i say im not trying to be deliberately unhelpful. i have kept a mood diary about today but feel like i cant go on. i decided it would be a good idea to sit in the pond in my garden and my mum ran me a bath probably because i stink and i screamed underwater and tried to hold my breath as long as i could. things arent working and any hope if there is any hope at all of me going to a clinic i have to wait until monday to just see the doctor of the clinic to discuss it and it's tuesday today
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well do they know these techniques with the elastic bands aren't working for you? you need to make it clear that you're being deadly serious.
    i guess maybe because you're being.. well i'm not sure what the word is.. but you're making them aware that you need help and are being sensible in realising that you need it - so maybe they think you're perfectly rational?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well do they know these techniques with the elastic bands aren't working for you? you need to make it clear that you're being deadly serious.
    i guess maybe because you're being.. well i'm not sure what the word is.. but you're making them aware that you need help and are being sensible in realising that you need it - so maybe they think you're perfectly rational?

    well im not a looney and i have told them what i need and they know about the elastic bands etc and they know i will continue self harming. i was given a helpline number by them for the crisis team and this poor confused asian bloke answered who passed me onto someone else who told me the same thing.

    the good thing is i have taken the sleeping drug a few minutes ago so will just pass out from sleep rather than stay up all night thinking of ways to hurt myself.

    the first night i took it i was too tired to even reach for my glass shard. my mum has taken the glass shards out of my room and the kitchen knife and the nail scissors in the hope i wont do anything.

    i've already done crazy things today like decide to clamber into the pond, i dont think i was attempting a virginia woolf but i wanted the shock of the cold water and the inevitable cleaning up of myself afterwards and my mum ran me a bath and i held my breath underwater and screamed because someone reccomended screaming but i dont think it will do anyone any good to do it out in the open. i tried to hold my breath but trying to drown yourself or at least render yourself unconscious is a very difficult thing to do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it's really good that you're taking positive steps by reaching out for help - just make sure you stay strong in the mean while. you WILL come through this.. it might be hard on the way but you will come through it. so please don't do anything silly. xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    However much these people try they can't work magic for you, and they can't lock you up in a padded cell.

    No one can force you to change your actions or how you are feeling, that has to come from inside you, and it will take time and support for that to happen.

    :yes:

    That's the skinny.

    I really feel for you, I do, cause I know exactly how you feel. And I remember year after year of appointments and assessments and what felt like nobody doing anything. And I remember the clawing desperation, and I know how it feels to be screaming 'somebody DO something' inside. But the truth is that only one person can do anything about the way you feel, and that's you. And I know that seems like a horrible thought, maybe because it feels so impossible just now, but it's the truth. People can support you, and they can listen to you, and they can offer you ways to cope, but only you can change anything.

    And it's not impossible. I know that we're not just dealing with a broken heart here, so I'm not just talking about that. I'm talking about it all. Everything that's wrong. And don't give me any of that 'I can't do it' business, because you bloody well can. I did, and I was a GIGANTIC mess.

    Now, I'm not big on doling out the pep talks, and I don't say anything I don't mean, so believe that I mean this: you will be ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i understand what ur saying but at the moment i cant get through this by myself. that is what i am trying to tell the 10+ mediical people iv seen over the past few days. i WILL cut myself. i will do weird spontaeous things such as sitting in the pond and hoping to gt hypothermia. they need to put me somewhere
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Rachael,

    I really feel for you. I'm in a similar situation and it sounds like we might have quite similar emotional responses to stuff. I know it feels natural to always blame yourself for everything and that hurting yourself seems easier than dealing with things in a different way, but in fact it isn't. I learned that when I was younger and even though I still struggle with things and the idea of not being loved (by anyone, but certain people in particular) is horrible, I try to remember that everything always gets better.

    That sounds completely stupid, I imagine, especially right now, but it does. I used to think (and wish) I would be dead by the time I was 20. I'm 20 now and here I am, and it doesn't mean that everything is always easy, because it isn't, but I'm so glad that I'm still alive and healthy. Even when everything feels shit, I know that it isn't. I know that I'm lucky to have everything that I have, and that sooner or later I'll realise that and stop letting the bad things make everything bad.

    I'm stronger and more capable than that and so are you. We all are, but I also admire the way you've been dealing with some of the things I've been reading about in your posts. You are capable and that is something you should never forget.

    I hope you get all the help you need at the moment. If you're not getting what you feel you need from your medical team, firmly let them know this. There may be somewhere else you can get help from or you may be able to refer yourself to a clinic for your own safety if that's what feels appropriate to you.

    I don't know what else to say except for that I really do feel for you right now and I'm wishing for you to find the goodness in your life sooner rather than later. You are worth more than you believe, as others have told you.

    Lots and lots and lots of love x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im really sorry

    hes changed his status to single on myspace and its killing me and i think i will do something and i dont know why im saying this because theres nothing u can do
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Give your mum a phone or shout her if she's at home. Don't be alone. And don't be sorry for anything. xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    things seemed to come to a head yesterday, i decided that walking into our garden pond and sitting in it for a while would be a good thing. my mum wanted me to do something positive and take a bath because i hadn't bathed in days and i just tried to hold my breath underwater for as long as i could. i dont know what i was trying because it was quite obvious i couldn't. i cut my face again this morning when my mum went to get my prescription and attempted to suffocate myself under my own pillow, im not sure what i was thinking.

    had an appointment with a psychologist today. first question was my age to which i replied twenty..2nd was 'you look young dont you?'. i knew she was going to be shit from there. she managed to spin that into i feel small, i have anger issues and she asked me what i thought love was. when i mentioned that i thought couples were supposed to support eachother she said no you support yourself. i told her im not angry, it's grief and i want to die and she said it's anger. she's been a psychologist for blah blah years. she asked about my childhood and when i had problems which had nothing to do with it. i had a happy childhood and normal tantrums. it felt like she was blaming my mum for the way she dealt with me when i was younger and i felt like my mum was being brainwashed. apparently she was 'sensing' i was angry and psychology is intense so all my emotions were coming out but i told her that i wasnt angry just that she wasnt helping because she was completely and utterly wrong.

    i feel like the psychiatrist from the private clinic on monday is my only hope. i dont know what else i can do.

    im sorry i feel like i have taken up the depresson section with my things when other people need help and that is why i'm posting in here. all of you have been so supportive already but i just need somewhere to vent, im really sorry if i have brought any of you down because of this
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    im sorry i feel like i have taken up the depresson section with my things when other people need help and that is why i'm posting in here. all of you have been so supportive already but i just need somewhere to vent, im really sorry if i have brought any of you down because of this

    There's no need to apologise. People would rather you constantly posted in there instead of just dealing with things alone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I hope you get better soon. After all its not the end of the world. And there are plenty more fish in the sea.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i want to die, i need to die

    walked out house last night at midnight slamming door after arguement with mum. it was so cold and i couldnt remember where my friend lived. by chance i managed to locate his house after looking in the car doors to see which was his, i thought someone was going to call the police thinking i was trying to steal a car. sat at his for an hour and came home. mum had called police and they were just going to go and look for me when she rang them back. reallytired, started fluoxatine today.

    today i want to die, fridays are always me and chris's night. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. i had a bath and shaved my legs which was pretty much a forest so i feel better for that, had to do it with door unlocked because of what happened last time. really feel like cutting myself and crying, i need to cut my face and just do something.

    what set me off last night was that chris was on msn and said i know this is a stupid question but how are you doing? i said he didnt want to know and he told me him andmy friend george were gonna have a word with my tutor about my coursework due in at the end of this half term. i ask WHY im not his responsability and thanked him for the subtle touch of changing his myspace relationship status to single so quickly when he knew i was self harming and his reply was there wasnt an option to hide it. i dont see the need to change it straight away. i feel like people are talking about me or just jumping for glee that he's a free man and they can get their grubby paws on him. it hurts a lot.

    i am 20 and realise how ridiculous i sound but i thought he was 'the one' and things were fine the night before. we were fooling around as in he was spanking me because i decided we couldnt have sex because of the sti scare. i wanted to protect HIM. good news about that, im clear so no gonorhoea or anything folks. stopped taking microgynon the pill so my period has come and bleeding all over the place, cannot be bothered with towels.

    if i do live then i cant trust. i thought we were similar to soul mates even though i hate that expression. we could have eachother in fits and i thought, i thought, i could tell him everything without being judged but it seems i cant.

    today and the weekend will be hard to get through, i know i will self harm again and i dont want to and that is the only reason being im just so tired, im tired of everything, i feel like i have broken down and lost everything. he was everything to me and we were perfect i just dont understand why he doesnt want me. after i got angry on msn and said do u want to see my cuts on my arms? or maybe my face? or even my stomach that you were so fond of? he went offline and just said im going. even that hurt because usually he would say i love you, hugs etc. i tried to ring him but he turned his phone off.

    im officially an insane ex who cuts herself and wants to die.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »

    im officially an insane ex who cuts herself and wants to die.

    You're not insane. Most people do out of character things that could be described as crazy when going through a break up. You're in shock, especially as it ended suddenly.

    Is there any way you can totally avoid contact with him? I know it's hard but it helps, the longer you stay away from him in all forms.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i know i need to block him or do something but when we were a day apart i would miss him and look forward to seeing him.

    its been almost a week now, its just hard
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wish I knew what to say or do to make you feel better :(

    You are better than this Rachael. You are better than him. You will move on, you know this deep down. Don't let him ruin your life. I once felt how you did and when I look back, I laugh. I wasted so much time crying and feeling miserable over losers. Don't do the same. You are such a nice girl and deserve so much better.

    I really don't know what to say to you as I'm thinking that anything I say won't make you feel better. You know where I am. Talk to me if you need to. Thinking of you :heart:
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    katchika wrote: »
    You're not insane. Most people do out of character things that could be described as crazy when going through a break up. You're in shock, especially as it ended suddenly.

    Is there any way you can totally avoid contact with him? I know it's hard but it helps, the longer you stay away from him in all forms.

    :yes: I wanted to say all of this but couldn't write it for some reason - especially the part about shock. Rachael, you really aren't insane.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh Rachael. I wish i could take your pain away for you :(
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