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?Disabled? housemate - we can't cope!

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello everyone at TheSite.org :)

We've had a look round this site and there are answers to everything! So we're hoping some one here can help us with a sensitive housemate / tenant problem...

We are a house of four people (1 landlord, 3 housemates) and a cat. Everything was running along smoothly until "G" moved out a couple of months ago to be replaced by "Charlie".

Despite our landlord doing thorough checks, and meeting Charlie twice before handing over the keys, Charlie isn't what we expected. To put it as sensitively as possible, it turns out Charlie has severe health / disability issues and some sort of learning difficulties and it's DRIVING US ALL UP THE WALL. :banghead: Not because Charlie has these problems, but because we didn't know about them (or rather finad out about) until AFTER CHarlie had moved in!

Me and "T" are sat here typing this at almost 2AM in the morning having just spent the ENTIRE AFTERNOON arguing with Charlie and the Landlord about (yet again) Charlie's complete... well... uselessness (the personal hygiene and communal areas of the house in particular). I went up for a bath this afternoon after the gym and there's half of Charlie's clothes AND DENTURES forgoteen in the bathroom again. A couple of days ago we'd reminded Charlie to empty the bin because it said CHARLIE on the rota, didn't get done AGAIN.

Charlie really does have a three second memory span, and has to do things on certain days (like having a bath on the right evenings, only going to the shops on Mondays, doing a clothes wash on Thursdays etc). The Landlord told Charlie that you can come and go as you like, but the reply was "No thank you, it's best I stick to the right days but thank you for offering"?? :confused:

Of coure, this is causing all sorts of BO, clutter and arguments, and don't even mention what the carpets look like... another thing Charlie won't do is remove shoes when they come in - those shoes only come off upstairs in Charlie's room??

Charlie won't go into detail about previous homes / jobs, but sometimes mentions "house managers" and "people who lived on other floors". None of us are sure if Charlie's references are genuine... we don't mean that Charlie's an ID fraudster, we mean that a GP / Housing Officer / Social Worler has "bent" the truth and now we're suffering for it.

We're not being insensitive, but Charlie shouldn't have been sent to live in shared housing. We don't want to spend every weekend for the rest of our time here (I still have another year of my course!!) telling / nagging / reminding a toothless, underweight, going bald Charlie that you need to throw food out when it smells bad and you need to put Charlie in the bath before Charlie smalls bad...:crying: :banghead:

We think Charlie works (leaves at precisely 8:25 every morning and comes back at 5ish) but we never get any response to questions like "Are you looking forward to the Bank Holiday long weekend?" or "Been busy at work today?". Dont' get us wrong, Charlie's actually the model housemate (never drunk and disorderly, no noise, always on time with rent, gets on fine with the cat) but we just can't cope with all this confusion and arguing round in circles...:crying:

But seriosuly, what can we do?

- Can we contact Charlie's employer for advice?
- Should we just leave Charlie out of the rota and return all the forgotten items at the end of each day? (T sometimes does this anyway)
- Do we just tell Charlieto leave?
- Or do we ride this out and hope Charlie gets fed up and moves out?

Please, all help you can give will be appreciated. We've written rotas with Charlies activities on the right days, the Landlord's had quiet words, we've left postit notes around, we've shouted at Charlier and scared the poor thing half to death... but it never works!!

Right, off to bed and hopefully I'll feel better in the morning, thanks in advance to all of you! :)

RM

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you have no sympathy for whatever condition he has or might have, then I think the best plan, short of getting him chucked out, would just be to ignore him as a housemate, leaving the rest of you with all the chores.

    After all, it bothers you more than him, so why don't you throw away the rotting food?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we've shouted at Charlier and scared the poor thing half to death... but it never works!!

    Are you surprised?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Youre right. It doesnt sound like hes really cut out for shared housing. Have you complained to your landlord??
    He may have difficulties but you didnt ask to be his maid, so if he cant look after himself or his surroundings to an acceptable standard then its not surprising youre fed up.
    It sounds like he is managing to hold down a job too so he cant be totally incapable. Sounds like hes just an arse.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like he is managing to hold down a job too so he cant be totally incapable. Sounds like hes just an arse.

    thats what i was going to say - it may be down to his 'disability' but it might just be that hes lazy - one of our hosuemates never empties the bin, leaves her clothes everywhere, leaves dirty washing up everywhere, leaves mouldy food in the fridge etc, but thats just because shes lazy and she thinks other people will do it for her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    His 'job' may well be attending a daycare centre or arranged work placement. If you ever see a social worker/healthcare proffessional visiting him, perhaps you could ask them about him- though I don't think you'll get dar due to data protection. He sounds like arse to live with, but to be fair, we do have to learn to get along with all sorts of people in this world. And just so you know- he doesn't sound as bad as some people to lie with- you would hate living with me for instance because my idea of tidy is everyone else's pig stye.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We're not being insensitive, but Charlie shouldn't have been sent to live in shared housing.
    shared housing with people who don't know nearly always produces problems of one sort or another. but you've got to be tolerant. at the end of the day, he cannot help having a disability and i assume he does need somewhere to live, if hes a student i doubt he'd be able to afford a place on his own. there is usually one student who does fuck all and expects everyone else to clean and do the house chores etc - you're in the same boat as many other students in that respect living in shared accommodation. ganging up on him probably isn't the best answer, ignoring him would probably make more sense as he seems to be bothering you so much. and although you say you have "another year of your course" left - find somewhere else to live next year or don't live with charlie.
    But seriosuly, what can we do?

    - Can we contact Charlie's employer for advice?
    - Should we just leave Charlie out of the rota and return all the forgotten items at the end of each day? (T sometimes does this anyway)
    - Do we just tell Charlieto leave?
    - Or do we ride this out and hope Charlie gets fed up and moves out?

    what would you expect to gain from charlie's employer?
    you don't really have aright to tell him to leave, he signed the same contract as you and has an equal share in the house for as long as the tenancy runs.
    the other two things you've listed are potentially your best bet:
    leave him out of the rota - just get on with it yourselves and ride it out. :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why should they leave him out of the rota?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    why should they leave him out of the rota?

    because... he will not do it even if they put him on it and they will just make themselves feel worse and more frustrated and upset and angry when they put his name down and he does f*all. if they leave him off it and ignore him, they can just get on with everything themselves. it might not be fair but cutting him out and accepting that that is just the way he is, might make things a little easier, maybe.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    or better still, get the landlord to kick him out and he can either live in his own mess somewhere, or if he really is disabled and cant do his own cleaning, then maybe someone should provide home help for him because its not on that his housemates should be his maidservants, and certainly not in his interests that everyone just does it for him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    another idea might be to have a word with disability services / the disabled students office at your university. see what they suggest. because if he really is disabled he could get some practical living day-to-day help from there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I doubt the uni will do anything about someone's flatmate, phoning social services might get you somewhere though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *breathes in, counts to 10*

    :) Thanks for all these replies everyone, we've all been to bed and calmed down so we feel MUCH more reasonable now! I can't believe me and "T" were sat here until almost 3AM - I even spelt my username wrong I was so knackered:blush: !! Wondered why I couldn't log back in just now :nervous:

    Mist, that's the decision that's causing the biggest arguing between us - the landlord and T wants to keep Charlie in the rota (after all, Charlie's going to have to learn sometime and does have communal obligations) but I'd be delighted to take over from Charlie to save the headache... then there's the issue of "does a person who drops out of a rota pay more rent" and "if Charlie's suddenly decides they don't like something else in the house, do we also give into that"?

    Sofie, we must sound like a***holes from Hell :blush: But T just couldn't hold back any longer and I'd had enough of them arguing the day before :banghead:

    Suzycreamcheese and H-face, this is exactly what T's been saying... we all noticed Charlie wasn't exactly Einstein, but it took a couple of weeks before T asked the dreaded "Is it just me, or?" question. Charlie's very, very careful (even OCD?) about some things and doing them "the way I've been told before" so Charlie CAN learn and DOES remember... but what if it's taken a Social Worker six months to get it to sink in?? What if it's going to take another three months for Charlie to start remembering bin day, or or realising when the fridge is full and no more food will fit??

    Katralla, this is my big issue... for all these annoyances, Charlie is a really nice person. Never tells us to ****off, always polite (but it's obvious the replies are memorised, there's definately a Social Worker telling Charlie how to handle these situations), and we all got Easter eggs when Charlie moved in! We don't want to invade privacy and we certainly don't think Charlie's a supervillain, but I'd personally like to know more about Charlie so I can work round this mess... :) I've invited Charlie out with me just for walks around town or outside in the garden, but I'm always politely declined (my parents say Charlie's probably been told don't wander off with strangers, but surely housemates aren't strangers!)

    Otter, if we knew where Chalie worked we'd know if it was a "real" job or a placement job like Katralla mentioned (and the Landlord's wondering about legal grounds of eviction if it comes to that). The truth is T would know if Charlie's just being a lazy twat (and believe me, is ready to physically THROW Charlie out) and I'd know if Charlie's a genuine case (and I don't want Charlie evicted if that's the case). Either way, we'd know what we're dealing with and I really don't want to move out myself... all my family are close by, I've settled into my job and nobody wants to leave because it's not a "bad" house :)

    Thanks for all your advice everyone and letting us vent, the Landlord's taken Charlie upstairs for one last talking to so hopefully this'll get sorted out before long... :) I'll keep you updated with progress!:thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oops, Suzycreamcheese and Otter, I missed your latest replies because I was typing! :)

    None of us want to become Charlie's carers, or responsible for his "life skills" - that's just a line we don't want to cross. Yes, we want the problem sorted, but no we don't want to be making phone calls and paperwork (I work as well as study) and the Landlord has made it very clear that an endless stream of officials won't be welcome...

    I've already mentioned this to my Tutor and he suggested Social Services. My parents agree with T that Charlie should sort it out or move out, and my friends think I'm nuts for putting up with this.

    Fair enough if Charlie was a crackhead or an a**hole, the Landlord would have dealth with that (he;s evicted people before for bringing stolen phones in and banging on neighbour's windows at 4AM) but this is just such a huge grey area...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    but this is just such a huge grey area...
    i'm guessing that he might not feel that comfortable talking to you about his disability / problems / why he is as he is. don't keep pushing it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear about the situation, it sounds like it must be very frustrating for all of you. I was wondering if you had sat down with Charlie and asked him how he learns to remember things. I know you said about post its and rotas but there might be a way that helps him remember that he just hasn't spoken to you about.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm out early in the mornings but T has seen Charlie's morning routine. If C and T just exchange "good morning" then it's fine, but any more than that and it goes to the tube... Charlie doesn't finish the cereal, has to triplecheck the cutlery's been washed and rushes out without closing their room door!!

    Sounds like it's a case of practice makes perfect, and still takes 110% concentration... especially when Charlie says something like "So-and-so showed me this way" and "I learned it this way when I lived at such-and-such a place" or "If I don't do it tonight I'll mess the week up".

    The rota and the postit notes didn't help - Charlie doesn't have the attention span to cope with them :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The rota and the postit notes didn't help - Charlie doesn't have the attention span to cope with them :(
    he is at university tho? - hows he make it through lectures? - does he have the attention span to make a rota himself or have some say on what days he can do what - if he has to precisely follow his routine?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, Charlie works Monday to Friday (but Charlie won't tell us where, and the Landlord won't tell us either, which I understand). Charlie leaves at exactly 8:25 till about 5 but never takes anything except a green plastic folder thing (no lunchbox, bag, uniform, books, stationory) ...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, Charlie works Monday to Friday (but Charlie won't tell us where, and the Landlord won't tell us either, which I understand). Charlie leaves at exactly 8:25 till about 5 but never takes anything except a green plastic folder thing (no lunchbox, bag, uniform, books, stationory) ...

    is everyone else a full time student in your house?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ref: Flowers for Algernon (book by Daniel Keyes)

    Converned_tenant, is his name really Charlie? If it is, then that's a great coincidence. Flowers for Algernon is a diary-written book in 1st-person view from a clinically retarded 32 y/o male called Charlie. The book spelt it 'Charlie', the film spelling it 'Charly'. Being clinically retarded means having an IQ of no more than 70. In Charlie's case, it was 68. He lodged with a landlady who cared for him, including the making of his meals. He attended a daycentre where he would be taught to count money and maintain his journal, while taking rorshock tests (if I have spelt it right). Memory-wise, he was able to remember happenings on the day but tend not to remember any further back than yesterday. If Charlie got bullied, he wasn't aware that it was happening and quickly forgets the happening. He even considered the bullies as being 'his friends'.

    Converned_tenant, your Charlie sounds rather like the Algernon-Charlie. I sympathise with all of you in the house, but a shared-house is clearly not the ticket for him. Whoever (parents perhaps?) had the idea of placing Charlie in this situation seriously needs a re-think!

    If you consider reading the book, stick "Daniel Keyes" into the Amazon search, but -don't- read other peoples' comments regarding the book's ending for spoiler reasons!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Charlie's leaving!

    Nope, Charlie isn't my housemate's real name so it's not the book Charlie :)

    Sorry for the late reply, but we just got the announcement... Landlord decided Charlie's moving out at the end of July :yes: He's just had one last chat with Charlie and decided that this isn't going to work... he doesn't want all the arguining and doesn't want to start worrying about having a troop of carers here and the clutter / hygiene is driving him up the wall (and at the end of the day it's his house) :banghead: :mad:

    I'm relieved that it's sorted, hopefully Charlie won't get too upset about it (although I've never known Charlie to get mad / upset about anything) and will move into a better home. The Landlord's said to forget Charlie's name on the rota and tidy up Charlie's stuff as we find it, he's also going to contact the DSS and tell them why Charlie's been evicted so hopefully he won't end up in court.

    T's really p****d off, asking why Charlie wasn't evicted months ago but I suppose it's such a troumatic thing to do that he wouldn't just want to throw someone out unless it was the last resort :(

    Thanks again for everyone's advice, I know where to come next time life goes horribly horribly wrong!:D :thumb:
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