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I don't know if you've read my PM yet, but i for one am glad you didnt kill yourself. You've helped me a lot in your messages, and you're such a genuinely nice person.
If you need to talk you know where i am x x x
I feel guilty because I still have thoughts about harming, but I don't tell him, which I should. I feel guilty because he doesn't know why I keep a stash of pills that I don't even need anymore, although nobody knows (well, I guess it's pretty obvious now, but whatever), I feel like I should have told him and I didn't.
Meh.
If you don't feel you can tell him, then don't rush yourself. Just know that when the time comes that you feel you can, he seems like he'll be there to comfort you. Guilt is such a bitch of an emotion. The person i saw today put harming into a whole new perspective for me today. He said harming doesnt make you a good or bad person, it just makes you able to cope the best way you know how. I don't know if you ever feel you're a bad person for doing it but if you ever do, think about that.
You really dont deserve to be putting yourself through this
x x x
Trust me, you don't want to go down that road. Be strong, you deserve better than to do something like that
Mehhhhhhhhh.
Too tired. Too stressed out. Fucking exam tomorrow. It hasn't even kicked in that it's the real thing yet.
I don't want to be here
The stress of tommorrow must be mounting the way you feel at the miunte. Try to get an early-ish nights sleep tonight so you're alert for tommorrow, then after your exam, at least you'll be able to think that thats one thing off your mind.
Just to let you know, I do the same type of thing. I have razors hidden all over the place, just in case i need them. I even have the remainder of the paracetamol in my drawer that i didnt manage to take. I wont use them, but i think its probably a reassurance thing. Knowing that if all does go wrong you can go back to what you can rely on. (Don't know if that makes sense). Just because you have this stash though, doesnt mean that you'll use them.
Take care x x x
If you trust him and know he'd never do anything, then why are you paranoid? YOU KNOW he won't be ignoring you. If he is feeling as guilty as you are making him out to be (although, I'm curious as to what he's done to upset you so much that you feel like self harming) and he is worrying as much as you say he is, why would he do something to upset you even more? He wouldn't would he? Think about it.
He's probably just busy (I'm assuming he isn't replying to your texts) or something is wrong with his phone (his battery has died, he might not be receiving your texts, you might not be receiving his, etc). You shouldn't be paranoid if you don't know where your boyfriend is 24'7 if there is trust.
As for your IB yearbook thingy, don't let small things like that get to you. You are going to University in September. You won't even remember much of college believe me. Fresh start, new life, new friends
Concentrate on what really matters at the moment (your exams) and try not to let these little things get to you.
Oh, and it might be a good idea to throw those pills away :yes:
Hope you feel better soon and your exam goes ok tomorrow
He didn't do anything. I was being stupid on Tuesday night over something stupid, and he got a bit annoyed at me, which upset me even more. It was entirely my fault, as our mini-arguments usually are. I just get overly paranoid when he doesn't text me for 2 hours and I don't know what he's doing. Not because I think he's with other girls, 'cause I know he wouldn't do that, but because I think he's ignoring me or something. Hohum.
It's not a small thing to me, though. It made me realise that I'm just not popular. I haven't even been invited to any of the hundredmillionbillion IB parties in the last two years. Not ONE. Know how SHIT that makes me feel?
I'm not throwing them away, because it's comforting knowing that they're there, in a weird way.
sorry if i sound like a hypocrit but yeah sorry
I used to get this alot with a friend of mine, but he did explain to me that he does have other things to do rather than talking to me all the time. Does he have any exams coming up soon?
xxx
I can't really give you advice as i'd be the biggest hypocrite walking, but if you need me you can pm me x x x
Well, i for one am glad you didn't. If you're anything like me, that sick feeling will pass with time (and sleep for me). I know its a horrible feeling, but i suppose it serves as a reminder why you shouldn't try and end things, (if that makes sense).
I know for me, it's acted as a big deterrent for me wanting to do it again x x x
Of course I realise how shit that might make you feel but at the end of the day, you can't change how your relationship has gone with these people so its time to move on. I didn't make much effort with alot of people in college as I had my friends from work and was always with my boyfriend. I got upset about the SAME thing when I left college and when I look back, I think "why"? When you go to University later this year, you will make tonnes of new friends and college will just be a memory.
And as for the pills, how likely is it that you'll ever actually use them (and I hope to god, that you never actually will)? How would YOU feel if your boyfriend kept pills incase one day he decided to take them? It can't be nice for him. The only reason why I ask that is because I can completely understand why your boyfriend would get annoyed/upset over it and if its causing arguments which in turn ends up upsetting you, how, really are those pills a comfort?
And Franki love, you really shouldn't get paranoid over not receiving a text in 2 whole hours as its really not long at all. I really don't mean to sound patronising but I used to get paranoid about things like that when I was your age and it was horrible. Paranoia is horrible. Next time you don't receive a text back as quickly as you hoped, just remind yourself (because you've admitted yourself you get paranoid about him ignoring you) that it is just paranoia and he'll get back to you when he can because 9/10 there is a good reason yeah?
Just don't get yourself upset unnecessarily. Chin up
im sorry