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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
sometimes i think i post wayyyyy too much in the relationship forum..anyway

Not sure if anyone remembers but I'm on an Access course and there are people of varying ages in my class. This one chap is 40 odd and took a liking to me. Anyway I thought he had got over it but things have gotten worse. He keeps asking me questions in class, anything he can do to involve me in conversation he will do. If I make a point in a class discussion he asks me to repeat it because usually he hasn't heard it but it's all his attention is focussed on me. In discussions when he makes a point he always has to mention me 'It's like Rachael said....'.

Yesterday when I came into class he said 'Hey gorgeous'. Pretty grossed out and pretty unexpected. This guy looks about sixty..seriously. Anyway I don't know how to react to things like that. I've tried to make it pretty clear that I don't think of him like that. He knows this already because we had a confrontation ages ago in the carpark.

Today in class was the same but I felt really uncomfortable. I found out that the lady who gives mea lift in knows because this guy has spoken to her about his crush on me and said things like 'I wish I was younger'...'I still hold a torch for Rachael'. This lady who gives me a lift in has explained that 1) I'm too young for him and 2) I have a boyfriend! He just shrugs it off.

Anywho today in class I didn't realise this but I was even facing away from him and when he asked me things I couldn't/wouldn't make eye contact. We were anaylising a poem that had to do with tatts and motorbikes and this girl announces that I have a tatt and go on the back of a motorbike quite often. Everyone is showing their tatts and I get asked to by the class. So I roll up my sleeve because it's on my shoulder. The guy cranes over his desk and is like 'oooh let's see!' and says it's pretty. Then about the motorbike makes a big gag about how I don't look like a Hells Angel type person.

This sounds pretty innocent but EVERYTHING has to be focussed on me. He can quite blatently see I'm a shy person and when I ignore him and hunch over my desk writing he says 'Ohh look she's hunched over scribbling now'. I swear he takes amusement in my embarassment.

Then when leaving I am getting a lift in with the woman and the guy lingers as per usual to talk to the woman (who is around his age) and I go ahead with my friends to meet her by her car cuz I'm not gonna hang around as he's expecting. I jump into the lift with my friends but then the woman catches up. She gets in and everyone is like 'ooh you come too!' to the guy :(

So he LEAPS in and moves right up close to me. My friend who is great knows everything because I told her. He says 'Ooh Rachael you better not touch my bum'. I just look at the floor because I am a wimpy victim.. I look through the crowded lift at my friend. I think she sensed the despair cuz she said 'Oi move forward there's more room' to the guy. Finally we reach the bottom of the building and get out.

Go to the lady's car and I'm shaking. I get in and she says 'Rachael you were very uncomfortable and I know why'. So I tell her everything and she tells me how he talks about me and how she tries to convince him that he doesnt have a chance and to stop it but he won't listen.

I know some of you reading this will wonder why I dont just tell him to back off and maybe blame me a little bit. But in my defence my body language was pretty obvious to everyone in class today and he still persisted. Same as with the carpark confrontation when he accused me of being 'scared' of him.

It's all crazy. Anyway speaking to tutor on Monday about it with the woman who gives me a lift in. Sick of it. I hate speaking in class at the best of times but now I can't because everything I say gets echoed via him. Does anyone know what is likely to happen?
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Comments

  • BunnieBunnie TheSite's sweetie pie Posts: 6,099
    Do you know anyone else he has 'taken a shine' to before? I feel sorry for you hun.
    Could the woman you get a lift with perhaps make it a little more obvious. I know I might sound dramatic, but just don't ever be on your own with him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    nothing wrong with posting too much in this forum.

    Im not sure what to say for things like these but I'd say if it gets bad, tell the police or your tutor in more detail.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What a creep! Poor you, unwanted attention is shit- especially when they keep doing it after they've been told you're not interested. Hope it goes well, have no idea what your tutor will say.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No it just appears to be me. I thought he might have gone onto another girl in my class because he kept making a big deal over anything she said in class but that only lasted a day. The woman who gives me a lift in has known for a long time but assumed I was either oblivious to it or didn't care. The cramming next to me got a bit too much. It was only 1 minute at the most in the lift with him but it felt like a life time. He didnt feel me up or anything but his presence and nearness to me just made me feel ill. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of it. The woman who gives me lifts in has agreed to go with me to my tutor because she doesnt think its right at all.

    The bit that has seriously scared me is that he kept asking if I was definitely going to Kent Uni and then asked me about accomodation loans. A massive hint that he wants to live on campus same as me and the woman told me today that hes doing the same course... :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think you're making too big a deal of it, if he makes you feel uncomfortable, then he makes you feel uncomfortabe- I would in that situation!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    The bit that has seriously scared me is that he kept asking if I was definitely going to Kent Uni and then asked me about accomodation loans. A massive hint that he wants to live on campus same as me and the woman told me today that hes doing the same course... :(

    that IS really scary.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    that IS really scary.

    I know! I get scared incase he turns out to be a nutter. He has the specs: grumpy/short-tempered/lives at home with his mum. I'm trying to make a joke of it but it does scare me. I cant handle any sort of confrontation let alone stalker like material. I cant exactly say 'dont go to that uni'
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    do your parents know about this?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My mum does yeah. She thinks its a form of bullying. Not so much that he fancies me but that he enjoys pushing me because he knows that he can because I wont do anything. She wants me to talk to my tutor but thinks if he says anything I should speak up and make it clear I dont like the attention.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what a fucking weirdo. go to him, take his desk with one hand and flip it over, grab him around the neck drag him to the nearest wall and lift him off his feet be choking him against the wall look deeply into his eyes and say "run... run far away and never come back."

    That will show that idiot (I understand why you are being concerned now, and I will be serious with you in msn, hun.)

    /e: oh you are not on:

    Well i think too it's a form of bullying, he sounds like the fat loser in malcolm in the middle with the addition that he thinks he is the hottest crap around and tries to even his deficits out, by going at defenseless people.

    You should definitely see some kind of university tutor or whatever for it, because handling such a situation by yourself sounds incredibly hard, especially because he vails his sarcasm with fake niceness you might sound out of order to confront him about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should, before it gets worse. and haven't you already told him you don't like the attention?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sounds like a right old weirdo.

    Same as everybody's said really, he's got no right invading your space or creeping you out. Especially when he knows fine well you're not interested.

    I know you're doing it already, but make sure you go in with the woman who gives you a lift and tell your tutor everything cause they'll have guidlines and procedures for this sort of thing.

    Hope you get it sorted pet.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    what a fucking weirdo. go to him, take his desk with one hand and flip it over, grab him around the neck drag him to the nearest wall and lift him off his feet be choking him against the wall look deeply into his eyes and say "run... run far away and never come back."

    That will show that idiot (I understand why you are being concerned now, and I will be serious with you in msn, hun.)

    Lol. I'm sure that is from a film! The Lion King???
    Not on MSN but will be back on tomorrow :)

    Johnny I havent in so many words because I just cant get them out but my body language is so ridiculously clear that I dont like it that it's untrue. I dont react to any of his flirting I just look away and ignore him.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    is it that you can't think of what to say?

    If you can't say it, get a mate to give the message.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    is it that you can't think of what to say?

    If you can't say it, get a mate to give the message.

    No I just have pretty low confidence and find myself scared around him so that I cant say anything. In the lift when he said the stupid 'dont touch my bum thing' I just looked at the floor too embarassed.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You have to tell him to back off.

    If hints havent worked then you need to get straight to the point.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what a creep.

    It must be hard to have to deal with this. How many of your friends know about this?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    what a creep.

    It must be hard to have to deal with this. How many of your friends know about this?

    Blah, I'm not being rude but while I'm in that situation and feel intimidated I find that very difficult. I have thought of things to say on Mondays lesson when he pesters but I will still speak to my tutor.

    Johnny, the woman knows and her friend who talk to the guy because they are around the same age, plus two of my friends have figured it out already and are supporting me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the best thing you can do is get a couple of mates and confront this guy over the issue. Preferably somewhere public so he can't make a hue and cry over it.

    'The things you're doing *insert things* ( so to speak :) ) are making me uncomfortable. Wether intentional or not i'm asking you to stop now. I've made it quite clear in the past i'm not interested in you and you haven't got the message. It all stops now. If you don't i'll go further and speak to the principal/head teacher (or whoever) and have an investigation started on the grounds of harrasment and have you kicked off the course. I hope i've made myself clear on this.'

    Then walk off and don't give him the chance to give you any comeback. YOU need to take control of this situation.

    Don't be rude, try not to be aggressive, just get your point across as clearly as you can.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I say either tell your tutor to see if they can have a word and if he keeps on, tell him to leave it. or if you can't, get a mate to do it.

    I'd say tell the woman but that just might make things worse.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    is it that you can't think of what to say?

    If you can't say it, get a mate to give the message.

    haha, like he says some crap, and rachael *whisperwhisper* into her seatneighbours ear, she looks up and gives him the stinky finger.
    No I just have pretty low confidence and find myself scared around him so that I cant say anything. In the lift when he said the stupid 'dont touch my bum thing' I just looked at the floor too embarassed.

    just riposte with "if your mother's not doing it, then rest assured that no woman will ever deliberately touch your bum."

    or something like that... :>
    nah, well I dunno, if he's not flirty like, but rather bully-like (can't say, but what he said to the one chick makes me believe he does have a weirdo crush on you, like I do, but I am at least your age!), this might just fuel his fire... see someone against it...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    that would freak me out too, you're not over reacting. To mimic what everyone has already said - speak to your tutor.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    haha, like he says some crap, and rachael *whisperwhisper* into her seatneighbours ear, she looks up and gives him the stinky finger.


    :lol: not quite what I meant but thats pretty good.

    Know I may sound stupid but whats the stinky finger?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    :lol: not quite what I meant but thats pretty good.

    Know I may sound stupid but whats the stinky finger?

    to flip someone off, you know make a fist and have just the middle finger raised.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh. thats what I thought.

    *feels kinda silly* :blush:

    anyway, hope you deal with this soon Rachael. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He sounds like a fucking creep, and if I was you, I would have kneed him in the man-parts for saying what he said about touching your bum :|.

    Rach - I know you say you have no confidence, and I can definitely relate to that, but something my cousin taught me once (when I was bricking it over an interview) is that if you can PRETEND to be confident, it often has the same effect. It's really hard, and takes time, but it does work, and then one day you wake up and realise "hey, I've actually got some confidence, when'd that happen?!". It might not help with this guy, because it *does* take time to work, but try it if you can :).

    As for weirdo-man, it's good that you're going to your tutor. Also, with him echoing everything you say in class - if your friend knows about it, maybe you could (maybe) ask her to say something like "hey, creepyman, why don't you say what you think, rather than being Rachael's parrot", or something like that. Might shut him up.

    /uselesspost.

    Hope it all works out ok, though. He sounds like a right weirdo, and I really feel for you :(.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That sounds like a horrible situation and I know I would be totally freaked out if it was me.

    I think you are totally right going to see your tutors, once they realise that you are feeling extremely uncomfortable they *should* try to do everything they can to ensure you feel safe and happy at college. It might just take one of them having a word with him, or maybe they will transfer him into another group.

    While I was at uni, one of the men on my course (there were only about 5 or 6 men altogether) was like this with one of the lecturers...he even went so far as to buy her some underwear on valentines day. She was really unerved by it and she was a very confident woman. I suppose the point I'm trying to make is...don't feel bad that this is getting to you. I think it would affect most people and I know I wouldn't be able to confront him if it was me so I completely understand why you don't want to.

    My advice would be to try and stop worrying about it for now (as much as possible anyway) and wait to see what your college says. If you still arent happy with what your tutor recommends you/the college do then take it the next step up, maybe the head type person (???) of the college and after that take it to the LEA. Basically I don't think anyone should feel threatened and uncomfortable in their place of learning and IMO your college has a duty to make sure you are happy.

    Good luck with it :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh. thats what I thought.


    I actually thought stinky finger :D
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    Being clear with him about it would be the best as a first step, but I can understand it if you don't have the confidence. Just stay as farthest of him as possible and good luck on Monday.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for all of the advice, I have things prepared I can say that are in the back of my head. If he carries on with the questions I can say, 'there are other people who are going to kent uni that you can ask questions to you know'..and if he carries on just say 'im not comfortable with all this attention, there are other people you can talk to'..if he says a pervy comment then just a plain 'don't say that' or 'back off' mght do. I've given up being polite, he goes out of his way to make me feel uncomfortable in front of the entire class so why cant I? A bit of empowring is needed for me I think. Will give you update Monday because if I do stand up to him that lesson there is still the concerning thing about him following me to the same uni. Will update on Monday :)
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