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new male friends and my boyfriend

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
This is probably a totally stupid thing to worry about, but ive never been in this position before so im not sure.

Ive been with my boyfriend for just over 8 months now and im not sure if its ok for me to be making male friends. I get on so much better with men than women in general so to me, Its perfectly acceptible and innocent for me to see male friends and make new male friends.

A couple of weeks back a made a new friend while on a course thing. We get on really well, and on the last day of the course he asked for my number so we can meet up. For the purpose of this thread I will call this friend "Bob"

I would like to socialise with Bob, especially as i dont have any friends in this area. Whereas my boyfriend has lots of friends here. (i live with my boyfriend by the way) and I would happily invite my boyfriend along but as the friendship is just starting out with Bob I would prefer to go on my own so that I dont feel like I have to entertain my boyfriend the whole time.

I dont really know what to do. I could try talking to my boyfriend but I dont want to make a big deal out of it when its nothing. He could be totally fine about it, but when I mentioned the prospect of playing pool with bob the other day, he sarcastically said "oh Bob eh?!" and i didnt really know what to make of that so I ignored it and its never been mentioned again.

Bob is just a friend but i know that if it was the other way round and my boyfriend made a female friend that he wanted to see without me being there, then I would feel suspicious and jelous.

So what I want to know is am i being a bad girlfriend for thinking this is ok? Should I be inviting my boyfriend along from the beginning or is it ok to start incorperating him later?

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Blah, I think if my boyfriend was going out to meet up with a new girl friend in his life, I would probably feel jealous, I could pretend that I wouldn't but to be honest I think I would. But, I would still trust him enough to feel comfortable letting him go and make whatever friends he wants be them male or female. I think that a lot of people would feel like this but without talking to your boyfriend you're never going to know if he is ok with it or not.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess it depends how much your boyfriend trusts you.

    Are you sure Bob just sees you as friends? Cos maybe he thinks you could be more than friends ?

    If Bob just see you both as friends then invite your boyfriend along when you feel comfortable. You boyfriend might be jealous however he will have to get over it. Your entitled to have your own friends, regardless of their sex.

    :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I agree that if my boyfriend met up with a new female friend alone, I'd feel a little insecure and jealous, but I'd trust him and would think I'd be a bit over-controlling of me to object strongly. Especially in your case if you don't have so many friends in that area.

    As long as you're completely open with your boyfriend and just tell him that you're meeting 'bob' then I don't think you should consider youself to be doing anything wrong. If he's not happy with it, I guess he'd probably mention it then and you could talk about it. Maybes once you've met up with 'bob' a few times on your own you could invite him out with your boyfriend and perhaps some of his mates.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well if you got on with him get him to meet your bf. I mean you shouldn't feel like you should have to entertain your bf - when I met a friends boyfriend recently (I was like the guy) me and him started talking about computer games and all sorts and she just sat there listening and then called me a geek :p.

    But ime people who go to meet people one on one either have something else on their mind, or else, are thinking about the implications but wouldn't do anything / wouldn't want to. If you weren't worried you would just go and see bob wouldn't ya, but obv an issue, getting him to meet your bf is the best way to go.

    unless your boyfriends a bit possesive, because dear goodness that's uncomfortable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, I don't know if your boyfriend is of the envious/jealous kind or not, but eitherway he has to accept that you are making other friends, regardless of sex.

    I hear you, about not wanting to make it a big deal, but sneaky like meeting up with him sucks too, because if your boyfriend gets wind of that he obviously will think the worst.

    I am fairly sure that you give your boyfriend a strong impression that you love him and that he means much to you, so I wouldn't know why he would sense danger.

    Anyway, just casually mention that you are going to play pool with Bob, he is someone you met at some course and you are just trying to make a new friend. Of course it is nice to be so courteous and ask for his permission (as you appear to be to me), on the other hand, you do not want to be so dependent on him and just obey his orders and wishes.

    I am sure he has a number of girl friends too, so if he starts to get cocky you at least have some counter-argument. I don't see any problem to begin with, just don't be so subordinate...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello again, thanks for all replies.

    Your totally right, StrubbleS, my boyfriend has alot of female friends and is still friends with his ex. Therefore it would be unfair of him to be wierd about me having male friends. I think my main concern is the fact that ive made a new male friend, i wouldnt feel wierd seeing my existing male friends.

    I know that bob only see's me as a friend because i mentioned my boyfriend alot on the course.

    Im happy to let my boyfriend come along, but i just want to get out of my own and let my hair down without having to worry about talking to my boyfriend enough. It sounds bad, but i just want my own life and now its happening i dont want my boyfriend coming between any potential friends.

    My boyfriend is lovely, he's not the posessive or jelous type as far as im aware, but he did speak funny when i mentioned bob before.

    I'll just be honest if he asks any questions. Theres nothing going on that shouldnt be so technically i shouldnt feel bad. A reason i feel so guilty is because when my boyfriend goes out with his friends he'll invite me along the majority of the time and it feels wrong that im not doing the same thing.

    hmm
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he was just doing a joke with the "bob? eh?" thing anyway.

    just meet him, he won't have anything against it. Just tell him you don't want to scare him off, by bringing your b/f as 'guard' the first time you meet up (if he acts up). Later on you can still integrate him into your other friend circles, or have your b/f 'have a look' at him.

    Just saying, that just because you mentioned your boyfriend doesn't mean there is no interest coming from him. But don't let that scare you off.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Go ahead and get together w/"bob". Just make sure he doesn't want to be more than friends because that could very well happen. I'd bring your boyfriend into the mix after you guys get together a few times and suggest a group outing, where you both bring some friends, even if it's just a happy hour.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well my girlfriend was in the same situation and we all know how that ended up :D

    Be careful, don't trust single guys :p even if you mention your boyfriend every single waking moment
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We're a funny bunch us humans arent we....

    Ive been in a relationship for 3 years now, me and my lady are both the types who have a lot of friends of the opposite sex. I trust her with my life. BUT still...."i went to see {insert name} at his flat today/went to the pub with {whoever}/etc etc" theres a twinge of something. I know the same happens with her when i go see my female mates, new or old.
    Personally, im inclined to say its just a throw back of evolution or something, "my property" type instincts....who knows.
    The point is, dont worry, if your sure and secure, its just a niggling little feeling that doesnt mean anything at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Blah wrote: »
    Bob is just a friend but i know that if it was the other way round and my boyfriend made a female friend that he wanted to see without me being there, then I would feel suspicious and jelous.
    QUOTE]

    What ever you do i'd just bear that in mind.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm usually in the same situation, except vice versa cuz I'm a guy.

    I get along with women much better than with men, and that can lead to a lot of jealousy if I'm in a relationship. I also feel a little guilty, as most of my friendships with women are built around flirting, although I have no intentions of getting with them and I would pretty much never cheat unless my girlfriend did something really despicable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i don't see there being anything wrong with you having male friends whilst being in a relationship with your bf.
    ... as long as your not sleeping with them. :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Why not invite Bob out with you, your bloke and some of your blokes friends to play pool, then you wont have to entertain your boyfriend, can spend time chatting to Bob and generally having fun. Im sure once your boyfriend has met him he will feel more comfortable with you going out by yourselves. He might be a bit insecure because he may trust you and know that you wouldnt cheat or lead other men on but he doesnt know what this guys intentions are towards you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,329 The Mix Honorary Guru
    98%? Mmm, believable statistics :yum: I'm getting a When Harry Met Sally vibe.

    Blah it's normal to want to spend time with new friends on your own... or in the dynamic you met them (i.e. with mutual friends/coursemates). Twinkestar has a point about inviting him out with you lot, that might work. I think if you brought your fella along with you and your new friend then it'd be a very stilted atmosphere as they'd probably both - unnecessarily - feel a bit threatened and awkward. Don't feel bad about having friends, it's perfectly possible to have great male friends and perfectly valid to want to spend time with them alone. Despite what many people say! :)
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