Home Sex & Relationships

Partner's friends liking ya

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
You know when you're in a relationship with someone, does it bother you whether their friends and family like you? I've just thought, because my girlfriend's friend's don't really like me. I'm more to them seen as 'her boyfriend', rather than someone they can include in their social gatherings etc. I have quite a close family, and form close friendships, and my girlfriend was instantly 'adopted' into both my friendship and family circle, so much that she's welcome even when I'm not there.

But she was going out with her friends tonight, and I wasn't invited, and this is quite common. Not that I mind her having her space, but the reason I wasn't invited is because none of her friends really like me, and having me there (because on occasion I have gone) makes them feel a bit awkward. I've tried talking to them and when I get into a conversation with them it's fine with one, but on the whole they just don't really wanna be buddies with me.

It's not the biggest issue in the world, but it really bugs me, that they seem me as more of a distant boyfriend than my girlfriends long term partner who they should get to know. The weird thing is, it's pretty much all of her friends who are like this, in different social circles. They smile and remember my name and say hi, but that's about it. Well, tbf at the last excursion, I was left to one side and nobody said hi to me... and I tried to make conversation but it's so difficult when they're in a group talking about 'in stuff'.

So, do you think it's important that your girlfriend / boyfriends / husbands / wives friends like you and get on well with you, or is it just one of those frivolous things? Just because, well I actually got quite upset because none of hers really do, and they've never really made an effort to get to know me.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, it would actually bother me. I don't even really like it, when friend's friends don't really accept me.

    I'd like to integrate my girlfriend in my familiar (to a degree of course) and social life, and would like the same in the opposite direction too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I dont think my ex invited me out with her freinds once while we were at uni. :chin: I invited her out with my freinds, but she hardly ever came.

    but I got along with her freinds back home well enough, which was nice.

    it's nice to be liked by anyone to be honest, and having the approval of your gf's freinds is bound to be a good thing. But that said, I wouldnt worry if they dont like you, I expect it's more a case of they dont know you, rather than dont like you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's hard to make people 'like' you when they perceive that there is no common ground. However, I would say that your girlfriend ought to integrate you more with conversations and social occassions. Cold-shouldering you by her friends ought to be seen as disrespectful to her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think its important

    my fella plays rugby and i DREAD the yearly presentation evening

    his friends speak to me, but their girlfriends blank me totally, they all sit in a little clan and exclude me which can make me feel uneasy, its also not very nice for my fella as he has to sit with me all night rather than mingle with his mates because otherwise i'd be left out

    his mum, dad and sister like me though, and that matters more than his social circle :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What reason do they have for not liking you? You're lovely.

    I've been accepted into my boyfriend's friendship circle (tho I knew them beforehand) but I have the feeling I'm being talked about for 'taking him away'. I hate that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I actually made a thread about this waaaaay back, it's very, very important to me. For the duration of my longest relationship the boyfriend in question's friends hated and despised me for "taking him away" from them and it made for a lot of anguish and sniping back and forth. By no means did it spell the end of the relationship, but it meant a huge portion of time was "no go" time for either his friends or myself. That's not very cool, obviously you don't want to be tagging along to meet up with their friends everytime (or have their friends tagging along to meet you everytime) but you want it to be a viable option - and one that will be pleasant for all concerned! Or at least, I do.

    Obviously it's not the be all and end all, there are some people who keep their friendships largely seperate from their signifigant relationship, either because that's the way they like things or because their friends and partner aren't "compatible". But it just doesn't work for me. I suppose it's that a person's friends say a lot about them and if I am such poles apart from their friends then it might make me wonder - not that I'd end a relationship on that basis, though. If we can get along with civil tongues and a bit of banter then I'm happy not to be bezzie mates with his friends, but if it's pistols at dawn I couldn't hack it... especially not in a relationship as serious as the one I'm in now. We share mutual friends from way back however, so all is hunky-dory :)

    Why don't they like you, ShyBoy? Is it because of the past? (Not that you're at fault of course, but just because they see it ending messily again). Did they ever accept you as a friend rather than friend's boyfriend, beforehand?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe she's just like me. I like to be included in a partner's circle, but not the other way around.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    briggi wrote: »
    But it just doesn't work for me. I suppose it's that a person's friends say a lot about them and if I am such poles apart from their friends then it might make me wonder - not that I'd end a relationship on that basis, though.

    It gets me thinking the same thing, why don't they get on with me??
    Why don't they like you, ShyBoy? Is it because of the past? (Not that you're at fault of course, but just because they see it ending messily again). Did they ever accept you as a friend rather than friend's boyfriend, beforehand?

    I think its mostly a case of they've never really got to know me. Whenever I turn up, they might look at me, but they never make an effort to talk to me. If I talk to them, it's really awkward and they quickly go off to talk to one of their other friends. Although there's a largish group of them (around 10 - 15), they all seem to act very shy around me.

    It's a bit odd, because normally I manage to make friends in these situations - my current social circle exists because I made friends with my girlfriends (at the time) friends, and then they met my friends, and everyone started going out :p then we broke up and everyone remained friends! (After that, my best mate started going out with my ex, which was amusing, but scary when she admitted she still had feelings for me when she was with him! Mates come first imo, unless it's serious long term).

    Another reason it's especially awkward now is because of this:

    around febuary last year, a relative loner at her college started talking to her, and started being a bit obnoxiously flirty, and for some reason she went for it. Started fancying each other, did the dirty behind my back, and her friends accepted him into their group (he's in the same academic year). Then when I found out, we split up, and her friends were pleased because they liked this 'new guy' even though a lot (most) of what he says is manipulative bullshit. Anyway, it got to a point where he was threatening suicide, she couldn't take the intensity, she came to me as someone she could trust, she made up her mind she wanted to be single without emotional baggage, became single, he went a bit crazy and kept going on about suicide, her friends cottoned on and blamed her / me because otherwise they would have stayed together and he wouldn't have gone wacko :yeees:.

    Now, a few months on, they're all back best mates with her, our friendship eventually went back into a relationship (not a decision I made lightly, I should add) and this guy is a bit of a freak now. But because he's in the friendship circle, everyone has an alleigance to him, and since we are seen as love rivals in a sense... they find it difficult talking to me.

    My girlfriend struggled to invite me to her 18th (joined with some of her friends) because he was going to be there, and it was going to be really awkward, but she did in the end, and everyone had a good time and I got on with her mates. But again, she's going out tonight, with two mates from different social circles (who she's chuffed because they get on like 'a house on fire'), and I know them both, and knew them both before they knew each other, so I guess I'm jealous that I'm not included in the clique. I told my girlfriend, I feel a bit like a trophy sometimes, because she's happy to introduce me to people and people compliment her on how lovely / sweet I am, but none of her friends get to know me, I'm just 'the boyfriend'.

    It's just really upsetting that they don't get on with me, I want their acceptance I guess.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you've done all you can do really. If you aren't happy then your girlfriend should step in. I know that when I was dating someone (turned out to be a bit of a knob anyway heyho!) but the point is that at the time I thought he was the bee's knees...anyway I could tell that my friends didnt like him and in his company would make it blatently obvious by making snide remarks. I told them 'not to fucking do it because it's fucking rude' and they stopped. If you are important to your girlfriend and dont treat her like dirt (which you obviously don't) then your friends should be otherwise welcoming to you and just generally friendly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how you're coping with that tbh!

    Well i'm in a LDR and i've only met a few of his friends - they're all cool though, and the others that i haven't met are really interested to meet me. I don't really see my friends outside school but i've been to a concert with my bf and 2 of my friends before and they all got on fine. I couldn't cope with all that cattyness, especially with that moose still in the picture. I dunno how you do it. I still don't think she deserves you but it's up to you :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OMG it's that girlfriend! Well, I would be a bit suspicious that she's been telling them all the bad bits in your relationship and moaning to them about you, which is why it won't work with you trying to be friends with them too... but then I am SUPER suspicious at the mmo'.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    OMG it's that girlfriend! Well, I would be a bit suspicious that she's been telling them all the bad bits in your relationship and moaning to them about you, which is why it won't work with you trying to be friends with them too... but then I am SUPER suspicious at the mmo'.

    Yeah that is what I thought but didn't want to pee on a parade or anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    What reason do they have for not liking you? You're lovely.

    I've been accepted into my boyfriend's friendship circle (tho I knew them beforehand) but I have the feeling I'm being talked about for 'taking him away'. I hate that.

    I had that with my ex girlfriend, all her friends thought I was taking her away from them and all my mates thought the same about her. lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My boyfriends mates are lovely and although I'm not close to any of them, they'll stop and chat if they see me. And I'm always invited out with them (unless it's a lads night out or something). It's nice.

    My boyfriend never really used to get along with my school friends, but the mates I've made at college have really took a shine to him and he gets along quite well with them :)

    We both get along brilliantly and comfortably with each others families though, and I think that's more important.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    Yeah that is what I thought but didn't want to pee on a parade or anything.

    Well, I'm a bit sour and my new motto is TRUST NOONE!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would be open to making a friendship with a partner's friends or family, but I would not push it. It's not them you are going out with to be honest.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mist wrote: »
    I would be open to making a friendship with a partner's friends or family, but I would not push it. It's not them you are going out with to be honest.

    :yes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    katralla wrote: »
    Well, I'm a bit sour and my new motto is TRUST NOONE!

    This isn't my motto, but I guess it's the way I feel. Or more, expect to be let down, anyway.

    So tonight, took the dog for a walk, saw a fox :), tried tidying my room (it's such a tip!) and now am staring at the sex that is my new 22" widescreen samsung monitor. It's so gorgeous. And not a dead pixel in sight out of 1,764,000 pixels. It's just cheered me up.

    I suppose I've been stewing a bit, and feel a bit peed off. Because a lot of the time, if I say anything, she starts getting upset, and then I apologise for upsetting her, and she says 'dont worry about it' in a woe-is-me-i-dont-matter way, but at the start, it was an issue with her. She goes out with her mates and this new really old guy (well, 34 yr old) who drives them everywhere, says how cool he is, and has never invited me. Now he's gay, so I'm not suspicious on that grounds, but I do sometimes think she's not the same person when she's with them, as she is with me.

    I don't know, paranoid night tonight I guess. But I'm allowed to be bitter if she's going to have a little clique without me :p I've been through enough really, I don't have to be a doormat. Just venting on here really. If I was reading my own thread and giving advice, I would say, look mate she's put you through shit and still coldshouldering you when it suits her, but then when she wants to see you she expects to see you or gets upset and goes on about missing you and being lonely, so just walk away and find someone better.

    And tonight, when usually I'm quite happy, I've been thinking maybe we've run our course. It's not just that, I think you can get fed up, and then go looking for an excuse to break up. But I say, wait until things are ok because then you'll realise what she means to you, but she came over the other day, and we spent a lot of time together, some 'intimate time', and tbh it wasn't satisfying.. emotionally. I felt a bit detatched. But it might just be a stage I'm going through. But I don't want to do 'stages' with everything I've been through. I think I just need a bit of space really, my life shouldn't revolve around her, I'm only 19 afterall.

    And I appreciate everyones advice, it all helps :)
  • SkiveSkive No discipline. No morality. No respect. New ForestPosts: 15,268 Skive's The Limit
    I've been with a fir few goirls who'd family didn;t liek me.
    Been seeing some 20 year old bird recently who'd old man hate my guts. I've treid chatting to hom but have alomst come to blows. I doesn;t bother me to be honest. I havn;t treated her bad so it's his problem no tmine.
    Weekender Offender 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Shyboy I really wouldn't trust this girl. They don't like youbecause of the things she's been telling them.
    You will come to find this eventually.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    VinylVicky wrote: »
    Shyboy I really wouldn't trust this girl. They don't like youbecause of the things she's been telling them.
    You will come to find this eventually.
    :yes: This.
    If she had being telling her friends nice things about you and about how great you are then they would like you, no?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    I think I just need a bit of space really, my life shouldn't revolve around her, I'm only 19 afterall.

    I think that's pretty sensible, you don't have to break it off with her, but trying to be a serious couple with your past and doubts and her lack of effort doesn't seem worth it to me. Buy her a remote controlled car for her birthday, they do great little lightning mcqueens for a tenner. Is there a chance that she got back with you thinking she could get something out of it- like a car for her birthday? That might sound really mean, but if she's not like that, then no worries init.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know about anyone else but I couldn't stand a relationship like that.

    I just get the impression that you're just something "on the side" to her and her friends.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For her birthday I got her a teddy, a framed photo of us and also erm... I handmade the card :p lol *cheese* and oh yea, got her a toy car afterall :p.

    Thing is, my girlfriend seems dependent on me most of the time, she spends most of her free time with me rather than doing anything else, so I can appreciate her needing space. But I get a bit bored, and so like to go out, or spend time with my family ANd her, or spend time with my friends AND her, but whenever she does anything that's not me, she never thinks to invite me.

    Troughs and peaks though. I'm just gonna take it easy. this new monitor is the shit! Got my tv card in working fine (thanks to felix, I think it was), got 2 raid arrays now, my computer is blinding fast. Right now downloading that new game, stalker I think it is. Monday going pub with mates, wednesday one of my mates is coming over (I dared her to skinny deeping in my freezing mucky 'pool' - think it's more of a pond these days). So yea, atm, I don't know whether its cos shes been a bit airy fairy, but I'm just a bit fed up and wanna do my own thing for a few days.

    Sign me up for thesite meet, too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You shouldn't have got back with her in the first place tbh. I still think she's a selfish cow. Sorry to be harsh.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ballerina wrote: »
    You shouldn't have got back with her in the first place tbh. I still think she's a selfish cow. Sorry to be harsh.

    Hey, we all come here for advice, whether it's saying 'yea what you're doing is fine' or 'you're being dumb'. But like I said, a bit of space will do me good, been a bit more chilled out today, until one of my new hard drives failed, but getting that sorted out now (but it's such a faff to use the athlonxp to download wireless drivers, grrr, and the asus website doesn't work, i need to find out what wireless thing I've got, I think it's realtek)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well if I fancy or am going out with somebody I always make sure they feel comfortable around my mates, but I have a very open and friendly group of friends... It would bother me if my partner's mates didn't like me though.
Sign In or Register to comment.