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Cheating

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone, I need some help. I am sorry this is quite long.

I went out with my boyfriend and his friends on Saturday night. We lost each other in a club and I enlisted a stranger to help me look for him. I was upset (obviously). I finally found him and he said "Hi, hang on I need to go." His friend (female) beckoned him. I thought nothing of this- she's his friend and I was finally with people I knew.

Later at the party (which he left for without me- little did I know why) me and his friend couldn't find him and we went to look for him. We found him in a bedroom trying to kiss this same girl. Then he said "I need to talk to you." so me, him and the friend left. It turned out he meant the friend, not me. He then avoided me for the rest of the night (meaning until half nine the next morning.).

I thought he had not kissed her and it was just a momentary whim that was not serious. Many pills were involved. But it turns out he had spent the whole night kissing her. From having taken just one pill to many. That is why he was not with me.

I am not angry. I just feel numb. Every guy I have ever slept with treated me like shit and I really believed he was different and I really believed him when he talked about love, etc, etc, etc. I don't think he can understand what that word means. I loved him so much. I feel like I've lost something. I don't know if I love him now, all I feel is numb. About everything, from the minute I saw him try to kiss her. I forgive him, but I don't think I'll ever be able to forget it. I see those two pictures- her beckoning and him leaving me when I had just found him again and him leaning in to kiss her- playing like some sort of a loop in my head.

I guess I'd like to hear from people who have cheated (and I know he didn't sleep with her, but I don't believe that makes a difference- it is not the act for me, it is the lying, the cheating and the betrayal. The pretending to be different to every man I have ever met but proving he is exactly the same...). and people who have been cheated on.

If you cheated, why did you do it? Did you still love the person you cheated on?
If you were cheated on, how did you deal with it? Could you ever trust the person again? How long did your relationship last after they had cheated? How could you be sure they had ever meant anything they said to you? Did they cheat again? If they did, how many times?

I need to stop now- this is too long. Sorry.

Mila

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh honey, that really sucks. :(

    Hes a cock. People in love dont cheat. You deserve better than that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks Suzy.

    We (he mostly) fought so hard for this relationship- he was my best friend's brother and she was so angry. I've trusted him with everything and he seemed so perfect and so understanding.

    I got around a bit before I was with him- in a way he risked his health by having sex with me since I might have had HIV (I don't) but that's another story- and that bothers him since he hasn't had sex with as many people as me. He said he wanted to sleep with other women and that it upset since in reality he didn't want that at all- he said he wanted me. Well, he says he loves me, but it seems that to some people that word means shit...

    I told him and I meant it, that he could sleep with other women if he wanted to, as long as he told me everything and he didn't do it when I was there. I wanted him to be happy and I didn't want him to feel like he was losing out on anything in his life, that he couldn't be who he wanted to be, or discover who he was because of me. He said he didn't want that- he said that wouldn't make him happy. I believed him.

    And in a way, he wasn't lying. Having sex with other people wit my consent was not what he wanted, he wanted to cheat on me. The thrill comes from the lying and the betrayal and the feeling that you are doing something 'wrong'- is that right? I don't understand this. He says telling im that was like putting ideas in his head of things he didn't want- but he did want them.

    Because I lost all my friends through choosing to be with him, I have nothing else. I have one friend and a flatmate. And it's not like I've forgotten all the wonderful stuff... but now he says "okay, I'll take you up on this sleeping with other people thing, but you can't reproach me with it when I do it." I'm not sure if I want to extend that kind of trust in him any more. I think he's proved himself unworthy of that. At least for a while... I don't know what it is that I want anymore. I don't even feel like he's properly apologised for or acknowledged what he has done, in terms of the betrayal, not the actions. I love who he was, but not who he seems to be at the moment.

    Another long post. Sorry.

    Mila

    Edited for some spelling mistakes. Oops!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    it really sucks being cheated on, my advice would be you need to get it all out in the open why it happenned etc and most of all make him grovel to you, its not a case of a simple appology.

    Things can work after mistrust however it is always hard when your not with them and wondering where they are.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would say drop him and move on. There are better guys out there.

    I don't think you should tell the next guy how many partners you have had in the past. You might want to have an HIV test if you think you may be at risk. Do that in private.

    Don't go for an "open relationship" because I really think that is not for you. That doesn't mean your boyfriend can't have female friends, but he must know where to draw the line.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    most of all make him grovel to you, its not a case of a simple appology.

    If that had just happened to me, I wouldn't even bother trying to make him feel bad, or expend too much of my time/energy on him, because if he felt that bad in the first place, he wouldn't have done what he did. It's pointless trying to guilt someone into feeling bad after the deed is done.

    It's difficult in your situation though, because you've created a bit of a 'grey area' in your realtionship by telling him he can go off with other women....I don't know how much you talked about it initially, but maybe you could have done with talking about it more and being really clear what the rules/boundaries were, and what YOU would feel comfortable with - it might have avoided a situation like this, where you're left feeling uncomfortable, while he might be left feeling confused because he might have thought he was doing nothing wrong.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    One main issue here is that she was around at the time and he deliberately ignored her to kiss this other girl. Seems he was making a statement.

    It does take two though, and perhaps there are things about you that were putting him off in some way. Particularly if you came over as a bit clingy and a bit nagging.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like youve agreed to stuff through your own feelings of self worth about you being worth being monogamous to, rather than something you actually want.
    It really sounds like he has a bit of a lack of respect AND hes trying to put the blame on you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Agree with the first bit, but
    It does take two though, and perhaps there are things about you that were putting him off in some way. Particularly if you came over as a bit clingy and a bit nagging.

    WTF????!!!!!!!

    Does it sound like she was being clingy and nagging?? If anything, she was being the opposite (not wanting to stifle him, giving him the opportunity to go off and experience new things).....but also, if she was being the biggest, clingiest nag in the world, she STILL doesn't deserve to be cheated on!!!

    "Ah...she was being a bit of a nag, so I cheated" is an acceptable excuse to you, is it?!? :eek:

    And I don't think it's ever acceptable to suggest to the person who's been cheated on "you drove him/her to it".....it's wrong to cheat and to deceive, and she wasn't the one cheating or deceiving, he was (WHILE she was making an effort to be open and honest!!), ergo he's in the wrong.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No I don't know the whole situation. I think what he did was almost certainly wrong. I just suggested she might look at herself too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks everyone.

    To Earl- yes, I am incredibly clingy. I know it and I try to be better. Also, I got tested for everything I was exposed to and I am fine. That I was risky was due to when we met and bad decisions I made and had forced upon me while I was abroad... I do feel like he has some anger about this that he doesn't want to talk about and maybe that was part of it? 'You did this to me, so look what I will do to you?' Maybe?

    To Han- I'm thinking about that grey area too. I did make clear when we discussed it how this would work for me- ie, the telling me everything (I was hoping for 'tonight my plan is this', but he said that it doesn't work that way, it has to be all unplanned and natural, so telling me everything in the morning would have been fine), not doing it when I was there and not building emotional relationships with people he was having sex with. After this discussion, he said he didn't want that at all. I told him a few more times that the option was still open to him when he moaned about not being able to sleep with others. But since he repeatedly denied that he wanted this, I assumed that he would be telling the truth and therefore actually didn't want it. He knows that he did something outside of any limits we discussed and also without having made that arrangement at all in the first place because he said he did not want that.

    spartaalbion- I don't need him to grovel, but I do need him to take responsibility for what he did. I don't know that he has done that. I cried for hours with him on Tuesday morning, he said I looked shell-shocked. And then he made me leave because he wanted to spend time by himself. I find that very insensitive. I know that he needs to deal with this in his own way and that it has upset him too, but surely since they were his actions, he has some responsibility to me when I am in that sort of state (I'm talking guttural wailing here)?

    Lord. Thanks again all.

    Mila
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh dear- I can't keep up with you all! Thanks for being so helpful.

    Suzy- It is hard to understand what makes you loveable if you're not your own biggest fan, you know what I mean? Compared to the way other people have treated me, he is like some sort of Prince Charming or demi-God- I am an incredibly lucky girl, aren't I? Lol.

    Han and Earl- I am clingy. Very, very clingy. Because I suppose in a way I was expecting this or similar all along and I wanted him to prove me wrong. And I know what a problem that is- I realise it now, I didn't before. I just thought he was a better person than this.

    Mila
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wish I could see all your boyfriends on a picture shoulder on shoulder, just to see if I would have been able to fortell you the shitty treatment of you by them.

    ditch him, like you already noticed: don't judge the action, judge the intention, and it's clearly there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Haha Strubbles, it's worse than that! I am 20 and I'd never had a boyfriend before this one. I was always disposable. Blah, blah, rape but I thought all I was worth was sex, so I presented myself that way and got treated that way. And this man taught me I was worth more than that. And now he has only proved himself to be like all the others. I am disappointed.

    Mila
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    Mila wrote: »
    Haha Strubbles, it's worse than that! I am 20 and I'd never had a boyfriend before this one. I was always disposable. Blah, blah, rape but I thought all I was worth was sex, so I presented myself that way and got treated that way. And this man taught me I was worth more than that. And now he has only proved himself to be like all the others. I am disappointed.

    Mila

    Hey Mila,
    I'm sorry to hear you've been treated so badly by this guy, especially when you had such high hopes for the relationship.

    I think you're right in saying that wanting him to take responsibility is much more appealing in the long term than wanting him to grovel. But the important thing to remember is that what he's done isn't a reflection on you at all. Of course it's a possibility that the relationship wasn't right in some way, but the fact is that he's decided to deal with it in one of the worst ways possible, and how he responds to that is absolutely crucial. If you're left feeling continually vulnerable about things then I can only agree that moving on may well be the best thing for you.

    I can understand the appeal of wanting to hear other peoples stories about cheating/being cheated on, but I think it's important to judge your own experience on how you feel rather than what may have happened to others. The bottom line is, if he can't be open and honest about his actions and intentions based on what's happened then it's unlikely you will be able to move forward.

    You may find it helps to talk to someone in confidence about the situation
    You could try supportline on 0208 554 9004 or careline on 0845 122 8622.

    Take good care of yourself *hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He is a complete cock, and not worthy of you. Hold out for love, and don't put up with anything less.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mila, you live and learn. 20 is still young, and you've made progress now know that you are worth more than sex.

    Having bad relationships is part of the learning experience. You must look back at it as that.

    You should not think of this relationship as one of you owing it to the other. That is a bad way to conduct a relationship, which should be on equal terms.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know what to do. I don't have any friends because I had to give them up for him so I am all alone and I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I can't even cry in front of my boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/whatever he is, because he needs me to be strong. He says he wants to take a break but that he loves me. I don't understand how he can love if he doesn't want to try and make it better. Maybe it wouldn't work, but surely it is worth trying. If he chooses to take a break, all I can do is accept it and take him back if he decides I am better than random fucking with strangers, because I have nothing else. If anyone has been in this situation, could you please tell me what you did and when did you feel better?

    Mila
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mila wrote: »
    because he needs me to be strong.

    ERM.....hello? HE needs YOU to be strong, when HE'S cheated on YOU?? am i the only 1 thinking this makes no sense?? he should be grovelling at your feet for hurting you so badl
    Mila wrote: »
    all I can do is accept it and take him back if he decides I am better than random fucking with strangers, because I have nothing else

    NO!!!!! you cant just accept it! ok,so maybe a break could be a good idea, but i think it should be on your terms,not his! it sounds like you think he's better than you, and that you dont deserve him+so will get back with him if HE decides!! how about you tell him to sling his hook+go a sleep with some 'random stranger' while you get over his immaturity??

    you are worth SO much more than him!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ERM.....hello? HE needs YOU to be strong, when HE'S cheated on YOU?? am i the only 1 thinking this makes no sense?? he should be grovelling at your feet for hurting you so badl

    NO!!!!! you cant just accept it! ok,so maybe a break could be a good idea, but i think it should be on your terms,not his! it sounds like you think he's better than you, and that you dont deserve him+so will get back with him if HE decides!! how about you tell him to sling his hook+go a sleep with some 'random stranger' while you get over his immaturity??

    you are worth SO much more than him!

    :yes: :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mila.

    You should never give up your friends for a relationship. That's the next bit of advice for your learning process.

    You say you have lost them but if they really are your friends you can get them back. Try texting them. Ask them to meet up.

    Rid yourself of this boyfriend, please. Yes, you need to be strong. Strong enough to tell him where to go.

    I am experienced enough to tell you that if a relationship makes you feel this way then it is a bad relationship. When it's the right one it won't be like this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mila wrote: »
    I am not angry.

    Mila, you're not angry ... yet.

    Stage 1 : Shock, numbness, denial

    Stage 2 : Fear, anger, depression

    Stage 3 : Understanding of situation, acceptance of situation, moving on (most important)

    This bombshell has just hit you and your body is trying to protect you from all these feelings happening at once. It's useful to know these stages so that you can identify that your thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal.

    On a lighter note, may I suggest that when you do hit the anger stage, that you double-fist him using chilli paste as lube ... ;)

    I hope you sort yourself out quickly and soon .... you deserve better. *hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Teagan wrote: »
    Mila, you're not angry ... yet.

    Stage 1 : Shock, numbness, denial

    Stage 2 : Fear, anger, depression

    Stage 3 : Understanding of situation, acceptance of situation, moving on (most important)

    This bombshell has just hit you and your body is trying to protect you from all these feelings happening at once. It's useful to know these stages so that you can identify that your thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal.

    On a lighter note, may I suggest that when you do hit the anger stage, that you double-fist him using chilli paste as lube ... ;)

    I hope you sort yourself out quickly and soon .... you deserve better. *hugs*

    :yes: Thats very true actually
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stage 1 : Shock, numbness, denial

    Stage 2 : Fear, anger, depression

    Stage 3 : Understanding of situation, acceptance of situation, moving on (most important)

    This is so true!
    My Ex b/f cheated on me with his ex and when i found out i convinced myself and him that i didnt care, we got back together to give it another go and it took about 3/4 months for it to actually sink in what he'd done..

    when i tried to talk to him he got angry with me for bringing up stuff that was in the past so i let it go again, then one night after a few drinks it all came to a head and i screamed, cryed so uncontrollably till he ha to hold me down to calm me down, it made him understand how bad i felt and we talked, it was ok for a while but eventually it just fizzled out because i couldnt trust him anymore.

    i really think you should put yourself first and walk away from him because it sounds like he's knocked your confidence so much, that its not really worth staying with him.

    also yourfriends will undersand and will forgive you.. good luck and i hope it all works out for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who replied to my post.

    I ignored most of your advice (sorry! :) ) and we are together.

    Things are different now- I learned a lot from all this. I can only be myself in this relationship (indeed in any relationship, romantic or otherwise) and being someone else will not work. I have to gain some self-respect and stand up for myself: it is okay to get angry in a situation that warrants it and I need to do so for myself and him. It is okay to have boundaries and anyone who loves me should respect those. With or without him, I do have worth and value, because we all do. No-one and nothing is perfect and it is ridiculous to expect anyone to live up to such high standards (including myself). We are all human and we all make mistakes. He is not God and he is just as likely to make mistakes as I am.

    And I am hopeful and I feel like this is going to work out for us. And maybe it sounds mad that I needed all this to come to those realisations, because it seems like pretty simple stuff that lots of people know. But I didn't.

    So Thank You to everyone for helping me out. It is much appreciated.

    Mila
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    yh i cheated once 2 it sucked but it wasnt all in vain coz the next day i tld her that i cheated on her and she wa like well im gonna have 2 finnish and that was it but i asked her bck out after she told me she had full trust in me.........the reason y i cheated was bcouse this girl that i tryd to kiss had been flirting wid me 4 ages and i wa horny and i guess stupidity jst took over and i do have 2 admit i didnt love her as much as i do nw but i dnt kno y i did it and i h8ed ma self for doing it and i kno ow much she sez its in the past and she say she got 100% trust in me i kno she aint coz its in the bck of her hed ya kno 'will he do it agen' type thng but ive learned ma lesson frm it and i aint gonna do it agen...i thnk lol
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Mila wrote: »
    And I am hopeful and I feel like this is going to work out for us. And maybe it sounds mad that I needed all this to come to those realisations, because it seems like pretty simple stuff that lots of people know. But I didn't.

    I hope it works out well, but if it doesn't, you have grown in this relationship, so it wasn't a waste.
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