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I don't know what to do anymore...

SystemSystem Posts: 8,622 Staff Team
Like you guys know, I have depression, but basically I'm fucked.

I've been having severe panic attacks and muscle spasms a lot recently and I've had to quit my job because of it. The problem is that I love my job, it's the only thing that makes me happy apart from being stoned or drunk...if I haven't got money...I can't buy drugs.

I'm so unhappy, I can't stand it. I hate myself so much, I'm horrible, I make myself sick just thinking about what a failure I am and I just can't stand myself. I'm so sad i can't cry, I always want to cry...I don't know how. It hurts so much, I just want to die...that's all I want. I the fact that I have friends and family, all the people who care, I hate them because they care and because they care I have to carry on living. Live is so horrible, I don't have the motivation to attend lectures...I barely have the motivation to breath...I'm dying inside and I don't know what to do.

Today, I had a horrible fit...I made my Mum cry...do you know what that feels like??? I'm so angry at myself, I behaved like a complete twat all because the bus was late and i thought I was going to miss work. I started to have an anxiety attack and get paranoid that someone's following me. When I got home I slipped into this trance, I smeared blue lipstick all over my hands and face and was rocking and singing all sorts of shit. I heard my mum crying and it sort of brung me back, after that I was so tired. My Dad came to see me and I was too tired to talk, but like my fit, this didn't last that long. I went downstairs believing that I'd only lost 20 minutes...I'd lost 2 hours...

I don't know what to do...everything I do hurts people. I'm going to stay at a place for intensive treatment...but I don't want to live. I want to sleep, I want to see Grandma and Grandpa and John and my dog Candy. I hate myself...I hate my life. I have nothing...the only thing that keeps me going is my family...I just want to die...


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont have much advice to give because i've never felt like that before but i just want to show my support. im glad you are going to get help and with your family and friends round you, hopefully you will eventually be able to get over your depression and enjoy living again. one thing im gonna say is that you are a valued member at the site and would be greatly missed if you werent here and im sure everyone here at the site are here for you to give you advice and support whenever you need it. good luck and i hope things work out for you and you get better. nobody deserves to feel that way
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi. I tried to reply to this earlier but bastard computer crashed and went weird on me. So I'll try again..

    Anyway, I'm not sure what advice I can give that I havn't already said to you, beings as we talk so much. Although I do relate to and recognise your situation, I have no idea whether that is to a lesser or greater extent, but either way it is never a pleasant thing to be going through *hugs* I do know what it feels like to make my own mum cry, I don't think there are many worse feelings. At least you are being honest with your mum *hangs head in shame*

    I think it is so good for you to be going to the place for intensive treatment, I'm sure that will make things a lot better for you. I wish I had the guts to do that, instead of being scared shitless of all the doctors and therpists that I have met so far. I do envy you Sel <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">.

    And yeah, you would be really missed if you went, although I do really realise how tempting the thought canbe at times, *shudders*

    But hey, lets put it like this...(I think the word is perspective or something?)...

    You feel bad right now, but think about it, if its this bad it is going to get better, maybe figures that it'd be hard for it to get worse? I am sure that with the intensive therapy you will feel a lot better, and you obviously have a lot more guts and strength than me, the majority of the time I don't have the guts to even post them on here or talk about them online, nevermind in real life.

    You are fucking great <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/biggrin.gif">, even if you never think it yourself, thats my opinion anyway.

    Please try and hang in there, purely because what you have is just an illness, and it can be cured as long as you work at it. Which is more than the effort I bother to put into my recovery, or whatever it's called.

    I'll talk to you real soon ok? And if all goes to plan, which I hope it does, I'll see you at Ozzfest 2002.

    *hug* xxx

    I hope that helped in someway, although I'd much prefer to be able to just wipe people's pain away. Wouldn't we all?

    Take care <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    I've been having severe panic attacks and muscle spasms a lot recently and I've had to quit my job because of it.

    At last im not alone.....last year i was very ill & started suffering from depression it took a while to realise & accept that this is what the main problem was. I started suffering from panic attacks & the muscule spasms which went with them. I felt like i was going mad....stupid things seemed to trigger them off. The very first one i had frightend the shit out of me....my heart was beating really fast & then my arms & legs went numb..which following by having muscule spasms which went on for 3 days. This is the only reason i accepted that there was something wrong & that i needed help. My doctor gave me Propanolol & Diasapam (cant spell) which stopped the symtoms until i learnt how to deal with them. Perhaps that might help you?
    I dont mean to go on but i just want you to know that you are not alone & its just part of being ill which in time YOU WILL get better, you have great friends by the sound of it....let them help you when you need it.
    I think deep down part of you does want to get better & that you got to hold onto this as it will give you the strength to get better.

    I know this wont sink in but....as far as you saying you are a faliure, if you were you wouldnt have so many people that care about you, i mean why would they give a shit if you were that bad?!

    I dont know if any of this helps but hng in there, like i said before you might not think it now but you will get better.
    Take care

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Liberty I am sorry to hear you are suffering so much I am sorry all of you are suffering.

    In the last few months I have felt somewhat like you do and last month I had been diagnosed with depression. I to have panic attacks and have had to take a semester off school becuase I am so paraniod and have spent many a night crying holding a knife to my wrist. I have been given some
    anti depressants that well don't work I take then when I remeber to.
    Infact the only thing that has helped me at all, the only reason I get up in the morning is leaveing tomorrow.

    Anyway I really hope the intesive treatment works and this nightmare ends for you good luck

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Liberty, I know SO much of what you're going through!!

    I'm also @ Uni & feel like S$$t when @ home. I've been on Prozac for a week & I've yet to feel any better.

    My interest in Uni has all but died & I've got into trouble for missing tutorials in all my subjects. I can't stand being @ home so I usually sit in the Union & drink or go
    to my friend's & get stoned. When I'm @ home I feel isolated, tired & depressed.

    I'm still getting through it, how I'm not sure, but what I want to say is that U're not alone & if U need/want to chat, U can talk to me @ [email protected]

    Cya l8r.


    Life = suffering.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Gio. U gotta give prozac, or any other anti-depressant time to work. They can take upto 8 weeks to kick in, but for most people it's 2-4 weeks. KevvyXxX
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