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Parental expectation and being the black sheep
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Does anybody else worry about what their Mam and Dad expect of them?
Not like doing your share of the dishes or that, but more to do with what you're like as a person and what you're doing with your life.
I've fucked up in the last couple of years with various stuff (they're quite religious and have beleifs about certain stuff), and I went more than a year without having any sort of relationship with my folks. Things are a lot better now, but sometimes I feel like they must think I'm a right waste of time.
Like when I was a kid the child psychologist and my Primary teachers said I was the brainiest kid they'd seen in a long time. Fifteen years later I'm the only one of my brothers and sister without a degree and decent prospects, and my Mam has said that I could be doing so much better with my life generally. My wee brother graduates in July, and I suffer by comparison.
I've always been a bit of a black sheep and done my own thing, but after everything that's happened I want to make them really proud of me, rather than just seeing me as wasted talent (I don't see the talent bit myself, but there we go). They aren't getting any younger and it's just hard sometimes, y'know? I don't want to make something of myself and for them to have been dead for 20 years so they can't see it.
Is anybody else a bit of a black sheep like that?
Not like doing your share of the dishes or that, but more to do with what you're like as a person and what you're doing with your life.
I've fucked up in the last couple of years with various stuff (they're quite religious and have beleifs about certain stuff), and I went more than a year without having any sort of relationship with my folks. Things are a lot better now, but sometimes I feel like they must think I'm a right waste of time.
Like when I was a kid the child psychologist and my Primary teachers said I was the brainiest kid they'd seen in a long time. Fifteen years later I'm the only one of my brothers and sister without a degree and decent prospects, and my Mam has said that I could be doing so much better with my life generally. My wee brother graduates in July, and I suffer by comparison.
I've always been a bit of a black sheep and done my own thing, but after everything that's happened I want to make them really proud of me, rather than just seeing me as wasted talent (I don't see the talent bit myself, but there we go). They aren't getting any younger and it's just hard sometimes, y'know? I don't want to make something of myself and for them to have been dead for 20 years so they can't see it.
Is anybody else a bit of a black sheep like that?
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Then i got to about 12 and totally go off the rails
What can i do though eh!
I have a friend however, both her parents are teachers, have degrees, 2 older brothers have degrees and various other members of her family, and she says she feels pressured to live up to her brothers.
The real disappointment for them I think is when they see unfulfilled potential. If you really were a waste of space with no prospects then they'd go a lot easier on you and just leave you be to flounder around in mediocrity, as I'm sure you well know. My parents couldn't understand why I wanted to be a nurse when their heads were being filled with tosh from my teachers such as "she could be doctor why would she want to lower herself to nursing". Now, my parents don't think nursing is a bad career choice and neither do I, but I don't think teachers/child psychologists/whoever do anyone any favours with their comments about how little Timmy is the brightest kid they've seen or similar. It raises everyone's expectations too high, and therefore is a lot harder to live up to and a lot more disappointing for everyone when you either choose not to be a nuclear physicist... or realise that it's not something you are capable of. Maybe another part of it is that our parents' reality is a bit skewed, in that they're all secretly harbouring the thought that their child is going to be one to achieve fantastic things, that their child is the greatest in the world.
I guess I'm just rambling, but I do definitely understand where you're coming from. I would say I'm the black sheep of my family and that's a pretty fucking impressive achievement when you consider all the awful things my brothers have done :razz: When I told them I was up the spout I think they just wrote me off the potential-notable achievement list for life
Got ok grades there, but again people didnt think i was reaching my potential. Then i met my ex, i spent most nights out with him, partying, drinking and being barely alive in classes...after we broke up i felt as though i was burnt out. I didnt graduate with the grades i needed for my graduate program and ended up taking a shitty job and getting fired.
Only consolation to my parents is that im married and not a burden on them anymore.
It seems to me that my dad would be more proud of me if I had been a school drop out, took drugs all day long and generally had no ambition what so ever! This is basically how my step brothers behave (although as they get older they have improved) and they are doted on.
Anyway it seems to me that people shouldn't do things to make other people proud. You should do things that make you happy and make you feel satisfied with your life, I think parental pride is then a natural consequence!
I guess the hardest one though, is when you choose something that your parents don't approve of, or especially, they think is beneath you. My parents have always been supportive in this respect, in that they've let me make my own desicions. The best thing you can do in that case is succeed. When they see how good (and happy) you are at something that they perhaps wouldn't have envisioned you doing, then they should accept it (be it a career choice, or something else, like being a parent). Of course some people just have twats as parents who won't change, but hopefully they're in the minority.
I ended up dropping out something like three days before my A Level exams, bummed around for 18 months, got stuck in dead end jobs after dead end jobs. Then i went completely off the rails, drug addiction, suicide attempts, my health failed completely and i don't think my parents knew what to do. Their perfect little star had completely fucked up. Needless to say, i didn't go to university, but instead ended up in rehab at 21.
They were powerless and i was too caught up in self destruction to see. Luckily, i did manage to sort myself out and from now on am hoping to make them proud. In the beginning (GCSEs) i worried about letting them down, but during the next few years i let them down to such ridiculous proportions that i guess the only way is up now.
When i came back from rehab, i moved out, got a job i love and i think the main thing that is making them proud is to see i'm actually happy. I'm not a lawyer like they thought i'd be, but i'm happy and i'm helping others who were in my situation and i don't think they thought 'd ever pull myself out of where i was.
I think I'm doing better than most people would have thought
But my sister and cousins are sort for big achievers... All really brainy and at uni and doing interesting things.
I did get good GCSEs, but I had to drop one of the subjects cos I couldn't keep up with the workload with being really ill at the time.
I sort of had a break-down cos I pushed myself so hard to do well despite being really ill... so then I couldn't do my A-levels cos I was burnt out and now I'm unemployed and looking for a job and don't feel very interesting or successful... I just hate the way people ask you what you're doing, all interested and then you start telling them about your life and they're like 'oh.' *fixed smile*
It's hard sitting in the same room as my family sometimes when there's a big gathering cos everyone else has achieved so much and all I've achieved is a break-down and not quite finding my feet again afterwards. :rolleyes:
I think people are their own worst critics though... Your parents expectations shoudln't bother you if you don't care what they think... and if you do care, that's fine, just keep in mind that it's you're own life and your own choices and do whatever makes you happiest, not what you could do, just for the sake of it. If that makes sense
To the original question...Yeah..Since leaving school I've tried so many things and made so many mistakes such as dropping out of sixth form. Everyone assumed that I would go to university and it's only now that I'm actually going to do it. Apparently my granny is really proud so that makes me happy.
Family greviences sort of dictates that people in my family should be pretty messed up. Still feel a bit messed up but getting there. My brother on the otherhand is severely agoraphobic and has hardly left the house in two years. I think he's settled too comfortably into home-life and doesn't challenge himself which is frustrating.
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Oh, your bro is agoraphobic? I find it really tough to be sympathetic with him sometimes.
Now issues with my private life, I don't share. For fear of being disowned by my Dad's side of the family. Or more so... Not talked about, at least if you're disowned you know where you stand.
But then to be honest, it doesn't bother me a great deal. At the end of the day what matters is the people who love you.