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What to do with memories of ex?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi Everyone,

I’ve been a lurker on the board on and off for about a year now… to be honest it has been nice to know that lots of other people have been in the same boat as me at some point.

Just to give you an overview, in December 2005, my Girlfriend of 2 ½ years finished with me because she “wanted to be on her own”.

At the time I was devastated. So I decided not to contact her and just sit it out. She continued to text and phone me to find out what I was up to etc and how I was. Eventually, I told her I didn’t want anymore contact and it’s now been about 9 months since we last spoke. I haven’t seen her (well apart from seeing her with another bloke in Tesco about 4 months ago) for a year.

I think cutting all contact with her was the best thing to do…. she was my first love and we had been together since we were 18. There was no way I could be friends with her. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.

I’m still not fully over her, I think about her everyday and in some ways wish she would email or text me. But it has got easier with the help of friends and long hours at the office buried in paperwork!

It feels a bit odd telling this to complete strangers, but I need to ask you guys a question….

After the split, I took everything I had ever received from her and boxed it up and it has sat under my bed ever since…. Love letters, photos, a nice watch from her engrave “love you always”, that sort of thing.

I have thrown other things away as I have found them but this box still sits under my bed. I want to take it to the dump and throw it all away, but I’m not sure whether I’ll regret it afterwards.

What has everyone else done? Do you keep all these letters, cards, jewellery? Or do you bin it?

Anyway, just a note to everyone out there who has been involved in a break-up recently…. It does get easier. I keep telling myself its better to be single when your 22! But something always comes along when you least expect it eh!

All the best

John
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow this is a bit weird. my ex split up with me 'cause he wanted to be on his own, he's called john and i work at tesco! haha okay so not that weird i guess. :p

    i have cards from my ex like birthday/christmas cards and a sweet little one he randomly gave me. we weren't together long enough to collect anything other than that really, it's more the memories i guess. i say keep them, you say you'll regret it if you chuck them so there's your answer. just because you keep them doesn't mean you have to look at them all the time.

    do you want to instigate contact with her again?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would bin the cards and letters, and keep the jewellry if I liked it or chuck it if I didn't.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wow this is a bit weird. my ex split up with me 'cause he wanted to be on his own, he's called john and i work at tesco! haha okay so not that weird i guess. :p

    i have cards from my ex like birthday/christmas cards and a sweet little one he randomly gave me. we weren't together long enough to collect anything other than that really, it's more the memories i guess. i say keep them, you say you'll regret it if you chuck them so there's your answer. just because you keep them doesn't mean you have to look at them all the time.

    do you want to instigate contact with her again?
    We split up in December 2005 and I told her in March last year I didnt want to speak to her again (thought it would help me get over her). I then told her a month later I wanted to still be friends!

    Last heard from her in April last year when we both said we wanted to meet up for a drink after she got back from a 2 week holiday.

    I didnt text her again and she didnt text me.... last time I saw her she was in town with another bloke (in Tesco in September), not too sure if she saw me.

    I think about her everyday and do really miss her still.... but at the same time, I don't think I want to get in contact with her. Even if we ever did get back together, it would never be the same again, maybe sometimes it's best to leave it, break all contact and just have the good memories.

    At the end of the day, I know that the split was for the best.... it just takes time I guess!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wtf i just realised your name are his initials.. :eek2:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you can be in touch with her but not get back together. :) i always think it's a shame when people split up after a good relationship and don't stay friends. do you think you would be able to speak to her and just be friends?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I keep a box of stuff from various people too...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd definatly keep it. I wouldn't look in it regularly because it'll just get you down about the past. But it'll be nice in your old and wrinkly days to be able to look back at stuff from your 'first love'. So I'd say yes, hang on to it! You'll keep photos of your best mates for ever,so why not keep memories of someone you loved forever.

    Just don't make the mistake of looking through it all anytime soon, it's one sure fire way to make you feel in the dumps
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I don't have an ex, but I thought I'd say this:
    I always have a hard time letting go of memories. I still have things from when I was 14, and even younger, that remind me of good and bad things. I don't think I should throw them away, because the truth is I like memories.

    Some memories might hurt for weeks, or months, or years, but eventually they'll probably stop hurting. I know that if I had thrown these things I mentioned, at the time I might have thought I'd done the right thing, but now I'd regret it.

    That said, there's no real reason to hold everything, if you think you could use the space for something else. Maybe just keep a couple of the most important objects.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've never kept anything my ex gave me as I needed to get rid of it all too move on. It does depend on the person and the sort of realationship you had. If you want to keep the box or even chuck some of it away and keep certain items its up too you. Might be best to put it someone where you cant easily look through it at a moment of weakness.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I would keep a few things and destroy the rest. Keep a special photo and some physical object to remember her by. The rest - it's like baggage of the nice things you had and ultimately the upset over your breakup. I think you did the best thing breaking contact and not giving her the satisfaction of half-heartered contact from her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Knobbbly wrote: »
    I would keep a few things and destroy the rest. Keep a special photo and some physical object to remember her by. The rest - it's like baggage of the nice things you had and ultimately the upset over your breakup. I think you did the best thing breaking contact and not giving her the satisfaction of half-heartered contact from her.

    Cheers for all the advise guys. I can't be friends with her as I still love her, I wish I could but it would have only made it harder.

    All my mates who had been through the same thing with first loves said I'd done the right thing by breaking contact and ignoring her texts etc after the break up. They say they wish they had done the same thing.

    My best mate kept going back to his ex after she had finished it and it only made it worse and now they hate each other (well she hates him) after so many drunken calls and fights with her new bloke.

    I sometimes think that maybe I could have patched things up with my ex, in the two months after the split she was always texting and emailing me asking how I was and wanting to know everything I was doing - I think she was finding it just as hard as me (maybe not) adjusting to not having me in her life -, I didnt try to reconcile and neither did she so i'll never know.

    But, as I say - most of the time - i'm pretty happy with life. I got an exciting career, great friends and i'm just about to build a house - so I can't complain.

    It's just jealousy - the thought of her being with another bloke (i'm not even sure if she is) when it was always her who wanted it all with me - always saying she loved me more than I loved her, wanted us to get married, have kids, knew I was the one etc!!!

    I know people break up and not all relationships last - I was naive back then. I want another relationship, someone to share things with, but every girl i've been with since just doesn't seem right and I always regret it the morning after.

    Sorry guys, I've strayed off the original subject a bit and got a bit sentimental!

    I feel like a bit of a fool telling strangers all this.... but I don't really have anyone else to tell now... people think I should be over her by now, after more than a year. It has got better, but there is still a niggle there!

    Rant over!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JMS wrote: »

    I feel like a bit of a fool telling strangers all this.... but I don't really have anyone else to tell now... people think I should be over her by now, after more than a year. It has got better, but there is still a niggle there!

    Rant over!

    Don't worry about it. Sometimes it's easier to tell strangers stuff, that's why I like this place. Anyways, as I just said to someone else, I hope that 'niggle' fades for you :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you shouldn't feel like a tool for getting things off your chest! look at how many threads there are in the relationships forum - loads of people do the same. at the end of the day you have to do what feels right for you. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheers Kate,

    I'm know it will... and maybe even for good when I meet someone else.

    I was saying to a mate in the pub the other day, apart from feeling shit about the ex, 2006 was a great year for me.... I got promoted, went to Germany for the world cup and then went to Australia and NZ at Xmas!

    If I'd been with her, I very much doubt that I would have gone to Germany and Australia!

    Happy days! Positive thinking, etc!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'd keep it personally. No harm in it being there and you'd probably wish you hadnt if you got rid of it anyway.
    Like Kate said, dont look in it all the time 'cause that will just upset you, but it will be nice to look back and see how much love you shared together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    As someone else said, maybe you should keep something, like a photo. It'll be nice to look back on it when your older, memories are important (in my opinion anyway...)

    Ive kept stuff associated with my ex, because they are mostly things i like and use, and there would be no point getting rid of them. Although i was completely over him at the time we split up so i guess it was easy (and still is easy) for me to keep them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sit on them and fart.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've kept all of the 'stuff' my ex bought me - the dvds, clothes, etc. but the photos of her I've got rid of and I deleted her phone number - I pretty soon realised that she wanted no part of the 'being friends' thing after we broke up so I decided to ensure I severed the ties so I didn't end up texting or ringing her (cos I don't want to get back together with her) but I've got no dislike towards her thats why I didn't see any point in removing the nice things she got me - we did have a good time when we were togther - mostly.

    You can only keep what you feel comfortable with keeping - but don't get rid of something you know you'll regret cos it's your history and it's part of what makes you who you are.

    79
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    _79_ wrote: »

    You can only keep what you feel comfortable with keeping - but don't get rid of something you know you'll regret cos it's your history and it's part of what makes you who you are.

    79

    :yes: I havent kept too much, but most things ive given to my sis for safe keeping (cuddly toys and such).:)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JMS wrote: »
    I feel like a bit of a fool telling strangers all this.... but I don't really have anyone else to tell now... people think I should be over her by now, after more than a year. It has got better, but there is still a niggle there!

    Rant over!

    Just wanted to say mate, don't feel like a fool - you sound like a good guy and it sounds like you've handled the whole thing pretty well. I, for one, have done a lot worse and I'm sure there are many others...!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    _79_ wrote: »
    I deleted her phone number - I pretty soon realised that she wanted no part of the 'being friends' thing after we broke up so I decided to ensure I severed the ties so I didn't end up texting or ringing her (cos I don't want to get back together with her)

    but I've got no dislike towards her

    if you have no dislike towards her and no intention of getting with her then what's wrong with being friends??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Keep it. You'll regret it one day. In later years you'll be able to look back fondly.
    At first, when me and my ex split with me, I took my engagement ring off and got all the little bits and put them in a bag. I never looked in there for about a year, 'til I was fully over him. I now wear my engagement ring (on a different finger)and look back fondly at the letters, cards etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Memories boxes are cool, if you don't let it get you down in the short-term then they're a good thing to have to look back on stuff.

    My first girlfriend got the better end of the deal though, love letters sprayed with my aftershave and cassettes filled with cheesy love songs :lol:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    _79_ wrote: »
    I've kept all of the 'stuff' my ex bought me - the dvds, clothes, etc.

    Yeah keep all the stuff of value :) he he! It's the slushy stuff that couples give each other that should really hit the scrap heap when you've broke up - valentines/bday cards, cute crap, love letters, etc.

    Lets face it, when you do find someone new they'll likely not be too impressed that you are hoarding onto your ex's stuff because of memories. They're just going to think it's strange all this stuff still means so much to you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    do you have a shed?

    I know all to well that if you leave that box under your bed,
    you'll be tempted (and frequently) to go through it, which is just masocistic and unnecessarily torturous.
    But you're gonna do it.
    Everyone does.

    I suggest taking that box out of your immediate space, but don't
    dispose of it.

    Contray to other advice, your pain is not an excuse to modify your past.
    I know that sounds harsh, but I've been there.
    I was married once.
    Happy as a pig in shit.
    It didn't last.
    I tried going through my wedding album to take out all the photos of him, or of us.
    But just because things went south, doesn't mean it shouldn't have happened. The person I am today is due in large part to him, to what we had. I am who I am because of him, inspite of him.

    You need to remember the good and the bad.

    Don't turf the box.
    Just tuck it away.
    This is not an opportunity to revise your life.

    And all the best.
    I'm here if you need.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    JMS wrote: »
    I think cutting all contact with her was the best thing to do…. she was my first love and we had been together since we were 18. There was no way I could be friends with her. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.
    After the split, I took everything I had ever received from her and boxed it up and it has sat under my bed ever since…. Love letters, photos, a nice watch from her engrave “love you always”, that sort of thing.
    I have thrown other things away as I have found them but this box still sits under my bed. I want to take it to the dump and throw it all away, but I’m not sure whether I’ll regret it afterwards.
    What has everyone else done? Do you keep all these letters, cards, jewellery? Or do you bin it?

    Hi John. Well I was with my ex for 3 years and we split up last year. I had loads of things from him like presents, cards, photos, tapes, etc. Like you I put them all in a box. I would not throw them away I just keep the box on a shelf downstairs. That was a part of my life and we had some nice times together..one day I will be old and wrinkly and maybe I will like to read about how much he loved me. Some people throw stuff away but I am sentimental and can't do that.

    I think you did the right thing to cut contact by the way. We tried to stay friends and texted/called/even met up but that just hurt so much more and I ended up in tears when I saw him. Cutting contact is really hard but it does help you move on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh and just thought, some stuff exes gave me like a laptop, stereo, iron, etc, I have obviously kept and still use regularly! But they don't have sentiment attached to them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    When I ended things with my boyfriend of 2 years, I wanted all trace of him gone, all photos/cuddle toys/jewellery went into a box. He came round a couple of days later to pick up some cd's etc and was devastated that I'd practically gutted my room to remove his existance! I'm glad I kept everything safe though cause every now and then I like to have a look, have a think, reminisce.... Keep it all safe buddy, you'll be glad you did
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if you have no dislike towards her and no intention of getting with her then what's wrong with being friends??

    In my opinion nothing - but I tried to keep in contact with her and even bought her a Christmas gift (nothing extravagent but something to show I still cared about her as a friend) but when I asked what would be a good time to deliver it or to see her or whatever - everytime I simply got the reply 'I'm busy' (despite me saying is it ok if I just pop it round sometime to which the answer was 'no') and after a single generic text message from her on Christmas day - I've heard nothing despite me sending a few texts since then.

    So I stopped trying as it was obvious she wasn't bothered. I still have her email address if I feel the need to contact her.

    I've got no hard feelings though :)

    aanyway enough derailing the thread...

    79
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh right i see, sorry. :)
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