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rape: telling my mum

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
i was raped last wednesday night. spent thursday morning in hospital and thursday afternoon in the police station. im at uni, and im 22, and female. a few of my friends know and my uni tutor. at first i was adament that i wasnt going to tell my mum, but everybody thinks i should. including the police, doctors etc etc.
i dont want her to go through it and i dont want her to be scared to let me go anywhere on my own.
im going home tomorrow. and i am now considering telling her, but i dont have a clue how to do it. i really dont think i could tell her face to face. i dont want to see her reaction.
i was thinking of sending her an email today so she would know by the time ive got home tomorrow, but is that really cruel? i really dont know what to do. im finding it hard enough to deal with myself, without feeling guilty about telling her. and the other thing is i really couldnt bare her telling my dad, but he lives with her so i dont want to be the cause of problems between them. the more i think about it, the more it seems like a bad idea to tell her.
can anyone give me advice on what to do? or has anyone been in this situation before??
thanks x x

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What you could do, is write it on a little note, and when you see it give it to her - because then you don't have to talk, but you're together when she finds out. Your mum would want to help you and be there for you now, it's what mums are best for. If you don't want your dad to know, then maybe write it on the note?

    I can't offer much more advice I'm afraid, just to say I hope things get better soon.

    Take care
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From your mum's point of view I think she would be so hurt if she knew you couldn't tell her something as serious as you being attacked. Also it would be better face to face because its bound to be emotional and she will have questions.

    I can understand why you don't want to tell her but I think its really important because she will be able to support you and love you whilst you go through the next stage, which may lead to a court case and also for any counselling you need etc.

    Sorry to hear about what happened :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Im so so sorry to hear youve been through this (((hugs)))

    What the fuck gives anyone else the right to decide for you who you should and shouldnt tell before you are completely ready to?
    You have no obligation to tell anyone.
    Do you feel like your mum could support you in this, and youd like her to be there for you and help you, and is it just the actual telling that freaks you out? Or is it that you just dont want her to know just yet because it will make it even harder to deal with?

    Hugs to you Clara. I really hope you do have plenty of support of the type YOU want and need.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What the fuck gives anyone else the right to decide for you who you should and shouldnt tell before you are completely ready to?
    You have no obligation to tell anyone.

    She wanted our opinions and I gave mine. She doesn't have to do anything I said - thats pretty obvious isn't it! fs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i wasnt talking about you lipsy, i was talking about all the "professionals" and well meaners who are adding more pressure on her as though its some sort of duty to tell her mum.

    Id tell my mum for sure - id want that support, but not everyones mums are the same.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should actually talk to your mum rather than writing a note or an email. I can only imagine how hard it will be but I'm sure she would rather hear it than read it.
    Hugs for you :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i wasnt talking about you lipsy, i was talking about all the "professionals" and well meaners who are adding more pressure on her as though its some sort of duty to tell her mum.

    Id tell my mum for sure - id want that support, but not everyones mums are the same.

    lol ok then, sorry
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fucking hell, I'm really so sorry to hear that this has happened, after everything else that you've been through. If it's any consolation you've been strong enough to get through everything else, so you can get through this too.

    I know you've said before that your family aren't the most supportive- would you get support from her? If you will get genuine non-judgemental support then I think that you should tell her, but I don't think you have an obligation to tell her and I don't think you should feel pressured to tell her.

    I'm so sorry that you've come back in such circumstances. If you want to PM me feel free, I do have some experience of this sort of thing that I don't want to talk about on here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello Clara,

    I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through - you have done the right thing re. the police etc and I commend you for that. I have been in a similar position but didn't follow it through and it has always been something I regretted.

    As for who you tell, you tell who you want to, when and if you want to. My Mum doesn't know to this day but my brother does. I am sure my Mum would be hurt if she found out I hadn't told her, but it was a decision I made at the time and I felt it was the right one.

    The only thing I would say is that if the police are involved and a court case could ensue, you want to make sure your Mum hears it from you rather than through other channels. If you decide you do want to tell her then I think the idea of writing a letter and giving it to her when you are together is a good one.

    *hugs again... good luck with whatever you decide
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To have told the authorities in the first place must of been really hard. You took the first step which is usually the hardest.

    just gotta find that courage and tell who you want
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Whether you tell her or not is very much your decision. She will know that something is wrong but not what.

    Whatever you do though, please don't do it via e-mail, that would be so unbelievably cruel [/parental plea].
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thankyou for all your advice.

    i really do believe my mum would support me, but i just know that it will hurt her so much, and i dont want to do that to her. i do need support and i know i cant solely rely on my friends for that because that would be unfair, but i really dont want to hurt my mum even though i know it wasnt my fault, i dont want to have to put her through it.

    and as for telling her to her face, i know she will cry and i dont want to see that. that sounds so selfish but i dont think i could cope seeing her that upset.

    but i know that my mum would be SO hurt if i dont tell her now and she finds out later in my life somehow. im so confussed :(

    i have decided to drop the charges for reasons i dont really want to discus on here, but i think ive done the right thing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Clara, you have to do what's right for you. If you think that telling your mum will help you to deal with what you've already gone through and the possible court case, then tell her. If you don't think that it will benefit you in any way, then don't. It's you dealing with this right now and you really do have to focus on what will make it easier for you to get through the next day, week, month, year, etc.

    I'm really sorry that you've had to go through this. It will never be easy. Do what will help you. If that's talking to your mum, then go for it, and if it's chatting to people online, then do that instead. People on here are always willing to help and many people will probably understand the position that you're in.

    Big hugs to help you get through this. If you want to chat, feel free to PM me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    if you can honestly reckon that youll mum will be fully understanding of your situation then tell her otherwise, just do what makes you feel best, but acknowledge your mother might understand if she ever find out, or she might not

    all the best of luck though in hoping the person gets caught
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    clara wrote: »
    thankyou for all your advice.

    i really do believe my mum would support me, but i just know that it will hurt her so much, and i dont want to do that to her. i do need support and i know i cant solely rely on my friends for that because that would be unfair, but i really dont want to hurt my mum even though i know it wasnt my fault, i dont want to have to put her through it.

    and as for telling her to her face, i know she will cry and i dont want to see that. that sounds so selfish but i dont think i could cope seeing her that upset.

    but i know that my mum would be SO hurt if i dont tell her now and she finds out later in my life somehow. im so confussed :(

    i have decided to drop the charges for reasons i dont really want to discus on here, but i think ive done the right thing.

    *Hugs*

    You know, you should do what you feel most comfortable with, what you think will help best.

    You don't sound selfish at all, if anything you sound completely selfless, but you know... Without trying to worry you, maybe your mother will realise something is wrong with you when you're back. Please don't be ashamed of this hurting anybody else around you, it hurts them because they love you... And there is nothing to be ashamed of there.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Clara, im sorry to hear you have to go through this, but we are all here for you. I will post for you a helpline as well as the link to victim support that has helped many people i know.
    Keep the strength up, time will make it easier and do not forget we are all here, Good luck xxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Dont forget Its not YOU or anything you have done that will upset her. Its what someone has done TO you. She will be shocked and upset and also angry, just like you are.
    If you feel she would be supportive, then mabe you need to find a way ad just get that horrible first bit over and done with, so she is able to be there for you when you most need her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you've got nothing to be ashamed of, you can make it clear to her that you don't want a fuss/loads of attention or whatever. I really dunno what kind of relationship you have so i'm not sure what to suggest really.
    I'm sure any mum would want to know if their daughter had been through something like this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey clara,

    just wanted to send you my love really. everyone else has given you some good advice.

    i'm really sorry that you are going through this.

    take care of yourself sweetie

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't have a lot to add, as far as we can ever understand each other's experience I can understand why you feel so conflicted about telling your mum. It does seem like a lot to put on another person, especially someone for whom this news will be like a knife in the heart - but she would want to know, want to be able to support her daughter to the best of her ability. I'm sure of it.

    As for how to do it, it'll be really hard to judge what you're going to say and how you're going to tell her until you're in the situation. It's so hard to even SAY these things, the words get stuck in your throat and when I've had to share this kind of news it's always turned into some kind of awful guessing game where they've almost had to extract the story. Just sit down with her, somewhere where you have total privacy and comfort and at a time when you have all the time in the world to tell her, and to deal together with the aftermath of having told her. It's so, so scary, but I'm sure you will be able to gather a lot of strength from the support she'll try and give you, definitely give her the opportunity to be there for you and to give you some strength that is probably much needed right now.

    You have been so, so brave and strong this far. There is nothing selfish about letting your mother take some of the weight off and look after you. Take care, as daft as it sounds I'm sending you a million virtual hugs.
  • littlemissylittlemissy knit chick Posts: 9,972
    omg hi wrote: »
    hey clara,

    just wanted to send you my love really. everyone else has given you some good advice.

    i'm really sorry that you are going through this.

    take care of yourself sweetie

    xx

    I have no pearls of wisdom but wanted to show that I have read and feel the same way as omg hi.

    Hope you manage to come to a decision soon.

    xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ^ same here. Everyone else has given good advice, its your decision, and no one elses. I am so sorry that you have had to, and have to go through this horrible thing, and hope you have ones who love you close to you *hugs*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi i just wanted to say i agree with everything thats already been said-i hope you can get through this and i hope you have people who can support you

    hugs
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi guys,
    thanks so much for all your replies. i ended up drunkenly telling my brother who then made me tell my mum, it was really emotional and there were lots of tears, but at least its all out in the open. i went to see a GP the next day just to talk to which was quite helpful, im just lost at what to do now...
    im halfway through a 5 year degree, and even before this happened i was having trouble coping with various things. im thinking of taking the rest of the year off and restarting year 3 in september, but i really dont know if this is a good idea.

    i really want to complete my degree and dropping out isnt an option, i dont want that scum bag to wreck my life even more. but im not sure how much leniancy the university will give me if i stick at it this year. im going to get in touch with the uni next week and discuss my options. i just really dont want to end up making a decision i will regret.

    thanks for all your help everyone xxxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    (((hugs))) Clara.
    At least its done, and you dont have to make that particular decision anymore.
    Hope youre ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Surely the uni will have options for people going through emotional distress such as what you are going through?

    I'm glad you came out with your family. Hope they are supporting you as much as you need :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi, Just wanted to send some hugs your way.

    A friend of mine got raped last year, and the guy who did it has just been put away for 8 years. She found it hard telling people too; espacially her mum. But she managed too as well, and her relationship with her mum has grown stronger because of it.
    I know you must be feeling such a mix of things right now, but the best thing that can see you through is having as much support around you as possible. It's so hard to ask for it sometimes, and you sound like you've done incredibly with coping so far.

    I hope you've been given numbers for specialist rape counsellors and stuff who can help you talk it through as well.

    Don't rush into any decisions about the uni stuff, have a really good think about what will be your best option and make sure you're happy with your desition.
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