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Ok. Why?!

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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh I will, don't worry.

    The only thing that would have stopped me doing it would have been that he and his family would start calling me a gold digger - for some reason they see claiming the money your child is entitled to as a bad thing.

    If he won't see the kid or volunteer child support, then he'll get it taken straight out of his wages.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fucking right, too.

    'Night girly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just make sure you put his name down on the birth certificate as the father when the time comes. If there's one thing you learn from proofing askTheSite questions about CSA it's how important that is in making the process easier.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jim V wrote: »
    Just make sure you put his name down on the birth certificate as the father when the time comes. If there's one thing you learn from proofing askTheSite questions about CSA it's how important that is in making the process easier.

    :yes: :thumb:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just make sure you put his name down on the birth certificate as the father when the time comes. If there's one thing you learn from proofing askTheSite questions about CSA it's how important that is in making the process easier.

    Oh ok, I didn't know that, thanks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Bored yet :p

    Just thought I'd let you know I'm still having trouble getting over Phil - but I've come to the conclusion it's my pride that's hurting and although I think I have a few feelings left for him, they're mostly just sexual ones - that I miss sleeping with him, not love or anything like that.
    I also know there's no way I'd ever want to get back with him, although it hurts a bit typing that!

    Anyway; pride - I'm just gutted that he's got over me so quickly, and that he may not have had any real feelings for a while. I spoke to him on the phone this morning to tell him my midwife visited for the first time yesterday (he'd asked me to let him know) and somehow he ended up saying "I just didn't know how to finish with you" and that he'd made the wrong decision choosing me over Wendy! I asked if it was true if he was just saying it to hurt me, and he said the Wendy thing was true; they got on better than me and Phil did (but then she only saw him a few times on the bus, if I believe what he told me) and then said I was too young for him, but wouldn't say whether the only staying with me to avoid upsetting me thing was true.
    That made me feel like shit and at one point I mentioned feelings, he said he liked to keep his cards close to his chest and then mumbled things like "I do still think about you and miss you" and "I still have feelings for you" - he was blatanlty trying to mess with my head, because he only said those things while I was talking; probably thinking I'd react, which I didn't.

    Anyway, he's a dick - but more importantly, we talked about the baby.

    I said I think I want him to be more involved than he'd want to be; I'd like him to come to a scan, be at the birth, take the baby to the park and see it at least once a fortnight; be a 'proper dad' but I don't think he do that.
    He said I've got him all wrong, he's "not that heartless" and he would do those things.

    He said if I want him to come to a scan he will, same goes for being at the birth (to which I said as long as it's not on a sunday or a monday, which are his days off when he goes out drinking with his mates!). He said "I was at the birth of my first son, wasn't I?!" (like that's a big deal!) and I reminded him he was married to the mother of his first child, bit different with me. But he still said he'd be there and asked me to let him know when my first scan is - which should be in a couple of weeks.

    He seemed genuine, then I called him later to give him my home number (as I'm selling my mobile) so he could contact me if he needed to, and he was at his mums; so his personality and attitude towards me had changed!

    She was shouting in the background something about months ago (didn't catch the rest) and how I'd trapped Phil into having a baby! I asked Phil to tell her the truth but he wouldn't; all he'd say is what he always does when he's at his mum's - "leave me alone kaz, I've told you not to phone me!". I hung up, thoroughly pissed off then got a text from him saying "mum's been taken ill because of you!" I spent the next 30 minutes worried sick that she'd had a heart attack or something because of the stress, and when I finally got through to Phil on the phone, he said she got a slipped disc in the washroom! She lives in sheltered accomodation so i assume she fell or something - either way it's not my fault!

    That was so low...I told him he was a dick and that I hoped he wasn't lying, then said how crap I felt about him talking to me the way he did wealier (when he was at his mum's). He said "you know you're not supposed to phone when I'm at my mum's!" and then said he will still come to a scan if I want him to, but his mum can't find out.

    I don't know...I thought we were getting somewhere but he's way too attached to his mum's apron strings. There's no way I'm going to let him see his baby in secret, behind his family's back!

    I might text him to let him know the scan date and if he turns up, great - if not he can forget about ever seeing the baby.
    Until then he's not going to hear from me, and I'll avoid seeing him too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not going to go into war and peace here - but I thought you'd deleted his number (yes, I know he called you) but you're back to badgering him a bit...

    I can understand why you're in touch about the baby - but why the hell do you always get onto this whole 'feelings' stuff. Keep it strictly 'business' and leave all that out of it.

    You've only given it a few days, you're hardly going to come a full 180 andbe in a different place, mentally, when it comes to this relationship after such a short time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    tbh i think you're just going to complicate things more by wanting him at the scans etc. What about future relationships? I think you should just cut all contact because i think you'll both carry on fucking with each others heads and that's just not on. I'm sure you'll be able to find a guy who'll be more of a dad to the baby than he'll ever be.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    I might text him to let him know the scan date and if he turns up, great - if not he can forget about ever seeing the baby.

    That's not the way it works, unfortunately. I don't think he's done anything to deserve it, but he will have rights to see the baby if he decides he wants to. This is why you need to take the time before the baby is born to pull your shit together, so when bubs arrives you can - as g_angel said - completely differentiate between your relationship with him, and any relationship he might want to forge with his child. Otherwise you will go nuts, and everything becomes very messy. You might be tempted to punish him by withholding his child from him, and making things very difficult. As tempting as it is, it's not fair to the completely innocent party in all of this.

    Glad to hear you're making progress though, one day you will genuinely turn around without a second's hesitation and wonder what the hell you ever saw in him. Honest :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm not going to punish him...I know I said he can forget about ever seeing the baby but I don't think I'd ever actually do it - the whole reason I've been trying so hard to keep in touch is because I've seen potential in him to be a good dad. Kids are fascinated by him, he seems to naturally draw their attention in without him doing a thing; it's hard to explain, but having worked in nurseries in the past, I think that's the sign of 'good parent' potential.
    There's a lot he's lacking though; like thinking of providing for your child without having to be pushed into it, and that's the side I'm not sure he could provide.

    I'll see if he turns up for my first scan. If he doesn't, then I doubt he'll turn up or make sure he's in to see his child regularly!

    He also can't seem to get past the fact that me wanting to be in touch with him for the baby, doesn't mean I want him back. Yeah at the moment, the thought of him finding someone else isn't nice but I couldn't ever go back to him, even if he wanted to.
    He just doesn't seem to get that, which is why our conversations usually end with him saying "it's over between us. Get over it" or he says stuff like the thing about Wendy, or mentions the fact I'm seeing my other ex (as in, going out as mates - not 'seeing' each other!)

    I'm sure he'll get over it eventually though, and realise that I'm only interested in him as the father of my child.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you are wrong, a more sure sign of good parent potential is responsibility, which your ex hasn't got a good track record of. If you keep this child, I think you have to start getting used to the idea of doing it as a single parent. Blokes don't just change the way tehy act and feel when a baby's born!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well...he just phoned me and started ranting.

    He said I was an ugly cow that he never loved, I was just a big pair of t**s that were convenient at the time, he said he's seeing someone and is taking them to a pub tomorrow for a meal (in this tiny little village about 10 miles away - he never takes anyone for meals, especially not on a sunday!), I'd open my legs for anyone and I'm a kniving cow that apparently planned all this! He told me to get rid of the baby and when I said I wouldn't, he said if I try to get child support "you know what I'll do, I'll just stop working". He said he can always get work on the side (to which I said I'd report him for fraud)

    I just can't believe he said all that...there's one thing wanting someone out of your life and being nasty to them to get them to leave you alone, but I don't think he would have said all that if he didn't mean it, would he?Not nice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    the whole reason I've been trying so hard to keep in touch is because I've seen potential in him to be a good dad. Kids are fascinated by him,

    Then surely this would have been proved with the other fourkids he already has.
    Alasia i really really hope you wake up and smell the coffee soon for your sake and your babies, this whole situation both you and him is just so so wrong, and has been from the start, you both just really need to leave aeach other alone, properly, at least just for the time being, you need to get him out of your head and stop defending, justifying and excusing his actions at every possible moment, you will head fuck yourself even more if you don't. It's never going to get better for you if you won't let it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    Well...he just phoned me and started ranting.

    He said I was an ugly cow that he never loved, I was just a big pair of t**s that were convenient at the time, he said he's seeing someone and is taking them to a pub tomorrow for a meal (in this tiny little village about 10 miles away - he never takes anyone for meals, especially not on a sunday!), I'd open my legs for anyone and I'm a kniving cow that apparently planned all this! He told me to get rid of the baby and when I said I wouldn't, he said if I try to get child support "you know what I'll do, I'll just stop working". He said he can always get work on the side (to which I said I'd report him for fraud)

    I just can't believe he said all that...there's one thing wanting someone out of your life and being nasty to them to get them to leave you alone, but I don't think he would have said all that if he didn't mean it, would he?Not nice.

    I posted before i'd even read this, change your number, get a new phone and delete his number and properly do it this time, each time he;s a shit you always say this is the last time this is it, but to you in your mind it never quite is, you need to tear yourself away mentally and stick to it, i don't even know what anyone else can advise because untill you understand that you have really got to do this, even if it is for the time being untill the baby is born/your over it, then anything anyone says is just going to be another worthless post that you wont take in.
    I just really hope that at some point soon you can see this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know, after he's said that I'm definitely changing my number! Already deleted his but I kept it written in the back of my diary so I could contact him in future about the baby - crossed it out now.

    He phoned me that time though, there was no need to say all that :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    get rid of him, seriously - find a proper dad for your baby. If he's already got 4 kids he doesnt bother seeing, he isn't suddenly going to change for this one. He'll probably make an effort for a few weeks, but i doubt it'll be any more before he gets fed up.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If for some reason he rings you again just hang up, you have control of your phone just put it down/turn it off/throw it in a canal.
    He's made it clear his feelings on this baby (and his other kids!) So you need to take that in, and just move on forget about him and concentrate on your baby which is the most important thing right now.
    You need to get rid of every temptation and don't just scribble numbers out, rip the pages out and flush them down the toilet! I really think cold turley no contact is the only way foward right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You need to get rid of every temptation and don't just scribble numbers out, rip the pages out and flush them down the toilet!

    Way ahead of you...I just ripped the page out and threw it out of the window! I live on the 19th floor of a block of flats. Hehe.

    Thing is, he's even talking about banning me from his bus! He was supposeed to be swapping his shift next Saturday, because I'm in stafford with a friend and I'd have to catch his bus back home (he drives the last bus at 10.15) but when he phoned me hew told me he wasn't going to do that, and he'd tell his boss that he was going to refuse to let me on! I asked how I was supposed to get home and he told me to get an earlier one - no way am I going home at 9.15!
    I'll probably have to get the train now :confused:

    It's just so petty - and I know I shouldn't be bothered about what he's saying, but it hurts when someone you loved and thought loved you, says they never did and calls you an ugly t**t!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know it hurts at the minute but i swear in a couple of months time you will be thinking urgh what a tosspot and then in another couple of months after that you wil just be totally indifferent and not give a hoot one way or another.

    I also think going on bus's that he drives is a dangerous move, it's not exactly cold turkey no contact is it, i would really avoid doing that and seek out other methods of transport cause the way you are at the minute i really don't think being in close proximity (sp!?) to him is really going to help, but then you know this!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know, but it's not easy getting back to where I live from Stafford - there's the bus or the train - I will be getting the train on Saturday though, can't face him after what he said.

    Plus I work in a llittle village that's on his bus route - he only does it on a friday and saturday, but there's no other way of getting home. No trains from there. He know this, I'm sure that's why he's being so nasty because he knows I have to see him - unless he changes his shifts.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he can't refuse to let you on the bus because of your personal lives
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, but he could if he said I was stalking him. I wouldn't talk to him and at the moment I don't even want to see him - but he has no problem with stretching the truth to make me lok bad, like he did with his family.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    No, but he could if he said I was stalking him. I wouldn't talk to him and at the moment I don't even want to see him - but he has no problem with stretching the truth to make me lok bad, like he did with his family.

    with what proof?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He's been feathering his nest in that department for weeks. Telling his workmates that I keep 'turning up on the bus' (conveniently forgetting that half the time it's coincedence, and when I have deliberately been to see him, he's been happy to sit there chatting like an old friend) and whenever I've phoned him, make sure he says my name really loudly, so they know I'm calling.

    He even said last weke that I was banned form the depot! Not sure how true that is, or why, but hey.

    Trust me, he's too good a liar.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ignore him.
    he will get bored.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know. I just can't believe he's telling me to get rid of the baby because suddenly its not convenient for him!

    And to call me ugly as well. the cheek of it! (joking!)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ignore him.
    he will get bored.

    Best advice ever! I couldn't agree more. He's liking the bit of drama and is using this situation to exert some form of weird control on you. You deserve better. Focus on something else and don't pay him a bit of attention. It'll drive him bloody insane. :shocking:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well considering he announced he's taking some woman (who's a year younger than him apparently) for a meal at some pub in a little village at 1.15 tomorrow (very precise! lol) I'm sure he won't be too bothered if I ignore him.

    But that suits me. hurts my pride a bit because I'd rather he was missing me and was gutted thinking he might have lost the chance to see this baby, but what can you do?

    I'm steering clear from now on and hopefully he won't be in touch ever again.
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