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20 y/old virgin
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I am 20, male and have never had sex with anyone before, or had a proper relationship of any kind with a girl and it is kind of eating away at me now. I have spent my entire teenage life, the last 5 or so years, totally alone and avoiding people because they all seem to be more experienced in ever way and already have friends and so on. So I haven't had friends of any kind in years. I don't go out, get drunk or socialise at all. It's just the same automatic routine every day, go to work/college, come home again and there is no one to talk to at all. The thought of being this way for the rest of my life is a disturbing one. Anything to be done about it?
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Whatever you do, don't fret. You're still young (what am I saying, you're my age! We're both young
Just posting here will help you with social skills and perhaps meeting new people.
I notice this is your first post so :wave: from me.
Best of luck,
First thing's first, get to know your coursemates and colleagues better. Is there anyone in college or work you talk to at all? If so, find out what they do of a Friday or a weekend...build up your social life from there.
Alternatively, what are your hobbies and interests? Work out how to meet people who share them....
It's gonna be difficult to get out the rut of staying in all the time, but start by speaking to people more, getting to know them better. I'm sure you'll find you have some common ground, and they won't give a toss that they're 'more experienced in every way' than you.
Good luck
The thing is, what am I supposed to say to them? Hello, I am a 20 yr old virgin who has been without friends for years? I feel as though it's too late to do anything about this.
The people at college I absolutley despise, and they don't like me either. They are part of the problem. If I were to have anything to do with them, my conscience would bother me.
I think at 20 perhaps it's too late to build anything like this up from scratch.
Why bother? I've heard them talking to each other and I know that there is nothing that I can give them. I think it's a significant part because all people seem to care about these days is sex, how good are you in bed, do you have a small willy, etc etc. I live with my mum and her b/f. I don't feel I can talk to them about anything either, which completes the maddening isolation.
Harsh but true.
It's never too late to meet people, fucking hell you're 20 for gods sake (by the way i was 19 when i lost my virginity). The real issue here seems to be self esteem, why'd you think you have nothing to offer people? What do you actually do with your life? I mean fair enough you don't like your coursemates, like i say i don't like mine, or students in general, but it's a bit unfair to write everyone off like that, especially yourself.
People can say "you're only 20" all day and that wouldn't change the fact that if you died tomorrow you would have less to say for yourself (in this social aspect of life) than they do. The future isn't guaranteed, so every day counts. Whether you waste that time or not is your choice, but don't patronize people for being anxious.
I think any advice we can give you, you'll dismiss with your negativity. I'm sorry but it looks to me like the fault lies with you! If you going to sit on your arse and whinge and complain that NOONE at college is worth being friends with, then the statistics will probably show that maybe you're the one with a bad attitude. What do you really expect from us after you responsd like that?
For fuck sakes, get out there, meet and mix with people regardless of whether you particularly like them or not - but use that network of friends to network with their friends etc ... sooner or later you will meet someone with similar interests. The world owes you nothing. You usually have to persevere and make the effort yourself.
You said " all people seem to care about these days is sex, how good are you in bed, do you have a small willy, etc etc." but basically that's just not true. That's what you are ffocusing on. It's not what other people talk about all day long. It's not really the way to go about either making friends or getting into a relationship either.
Stop making such a big deal out of sex, and start seeing other people in the world as something other than objects that have sex, and things might start to improve.
:yes: nail on the head!
What about meeting up with childhood friends again?
It really isn't that hard to make friends. Once that parts over the girlfriend/sex thing will happen eventually itself.
I actually knew I was going to sound like a whingey little b*stard when I replied, I am sorry, it wasn't intentional.
No siblings, there's no one, like I said. Wherever I do go, it'll be totally on my own. Everyone else has already made their friends, their groups, etc. It is simply too late. I never even stood a chance to begin with.
I haven't had friends since moving to this part of the UK, just people who used me and took advantage to make themselves feel bigger. The people at college, they talk of it several times a day. It's THEM who cares about it too much not me for crying out loud. And yes, I admit totally that I am giving a dubious amount of attention to it, but let me explain why. I have been treated with nothing but rudeness and sarcasm by people at college because they can damn well tell that I'm inexperienced in that field, and believe me I have suffered for daring to be virgin - I've heard girls younger than me whispering to each other and I have cried over it when I got home afterwards. And as a result of this I am constantly aware of being a virgin, every second of every day and it is totally eating at me.
Well how else should I talk about myself?
I can recall instances where people I only just met and don't really know have asked, are you a virg, as soon as they could, it was usually like, question no 4 or something. It IS a big deal to them, don't ask me why. Well...all I can say to that is I wish there were a few more people like you in the world.
Well, the people I have to sit in the same room as every week do just what you described every day, only it's with their friends.
I wouldn't actually have such a big problem with being a vrigin if it weren't for them. Hey, I'm thin...:D I just can't do it. I've had to ignore and avoid people for years now in a bid to minimize the amount that I get my feelings hurt. To start acting as though it's all fine and dandy...part of me even dosen't want any human contact because I'm always laughed at and never taken serisouly.
I am only being realistic and telling the truth.
This statement bothers me to an extreme. If you could see what the other people are like...
As for the rest, if people truly talk about sex all day and ask others if they're virgins right away, you must live in a strange place indeed. That's not normal at all, except maybe for some 14-year-olds.
Everything that has a beginning, has an end...:p
Perception is needed to pave the way for the truth, and some of the situations I have been in would definetly hurt or intimidate any normal person who was put in my position.
If you sit at home thinking about how much everyone else is enjoying themselves, going out, making friends having sex you're going to eat yourself up. If you were out doing these things, you wouldn't think about them.
I don't believe everyone at your college talks about sex, or discloses their virginal status within the first few minutes of meeting someone. You might percieve this to be the case, but it's not. I'm gonna be blunt, that's you making stuff up so you can pity yourself. I'm 20, and like i said earlier only lost my virginity at 19. Quite a few of my friends are still virgins, it doesn't matter to them or me.
If you want to help yourself (and i think the sex thing is probably only an aside to what actually equates to lonliness) then why not make some effort with people? It's pretty blase to say that at 20 everyone has their own friendship groups. That's just not true, people make new friends every day, at any age. All you have to do is pursue something that interests you, and inevitably you'll meet others with the same interests. Sitting at home behind a computer saying i won't do it because xyz is not really going to help you is it?
If you keep dismissing any advice people throw at you, and keep thinking of the negative, you wont get any better
if you do get a girlfriend, just tell her (not on the first date obviously) that you've never had a girlfriend.
Just say something like "Hi, my name is xyz, I am 20 years old, my interests are xyz', then ask her the same questions or something?
Is it just me, or is someone introducing themseleves as a virgin, sounds like that's all they're after?
take the advice mattliverpool and everyone else have given you, it's all about your outlook and perspective, maybe there are a bunch of arrogant nobs at your college but everyone there isn't like that, and I can tell saying that you being a virgin coming up in the first sentence of everyone you meet just isn't true... you just choose to focus on the negative once or twice that it might've happened (and it only will've happened because some ppl at college have let on that it gets to you).
I know it's not as easy as some ppl are saying - "go out and get friends", but start with changing your outlook to people... mindframe can COMPLETELY change how you feel about the world, as long as you keep on hammering in the positives you'll start to really feel that way (though it probably won't feel like it at first).
Just sit back and take a look at some of the advice before you dismiss it, I know you want some sympathy but this is one of those things wherre only positive action will help, not sympathy (people sypmathise, that's why theyre trying to give advice - it isnt the sympathy that is going to help you though!)
If it really bothers you that much and you can't find any ways around it except for maybe buying a whore, then avoid it. Take any and all time you have and focus on something. Produce something. Create something. Push your mind farther and try to comprehend something advanced.
Or take Matt's advice. He seems to know what he's talking about, and he's fairly successful in this area. You may have to change your inherent personality, but hey, what's a little bit of attitude plastic surgery?
Fact of the matter is, it seems you can't be yourself if you're going to try and de-virginize yourself. I personally can't be fake. I can't pretend to like something I am vehemently opposed to. I'm not going to be uppity and chirpy when I'm feeling like shit. I can't lie to myself just so I can talk to someone and have them like me. What's the point of not being yourself if you want people to get to know you? Logic is once again absent.
Thirdly, stop making sex a big deal. The more you fester over it, the crappier you will feel long term. It'll have an affect on your relationships long term if you don't just let it go. We all have sex at some point, but it's up to you when that is - if you don't meet people you could very well miss that one girl you could've met and clicked with - how do you know if you don't try?
Finally. GET OUT. SOCIALISE. Stop hating the people at college and take them at face value, forget the crap they talk about, and ask them questions about who they are. Get to know them.
I'm 20 myself, and haven't had a boyfriend yet. It bothers me, but I'm still a fully functioning member of society. I go to college and like you, I was so introverted when I started. 5 months down the line and I have some amazing friends I never thought I'd make.
You have to be prepared to put yourself on the line. Take a breath and just get out there.
There is no way I can be anything other than an immature child in the view of other people who know that I have not had a proper relationship before or am I virgin. Virgins are not respected.
I say the last 5 years have shown that there is no such thing as that girl I could have met. There are no nice people out there. They are all bad. Are you thinking if I had encountered nice people that I might be able to befriend and thus have a social life that I would avoid and ignore them also? Surely not.
I have already given people millions of chances and I won't fucking do it anymore! Give them another chance, give them the benefit of the doubt, I hear people say, well nothing will change if I do that and have already done it and sorely regretted it every day for being such a fool.
They hate me. I've have heard them talking. And every day they try to take advantage because there's only one of me and a round dozen of them, they try to flatter me, treat me with nothing but contempt and sarcasm and when I ignore them they act all shocked and wonder why. They laugh at me EVERY DAY. You all seem so determined to believe they are all good, it's all my fault and I made them bad. Everything I am telling you about them is the truth. They do not deserve for me to take them at face value. They can tell I'm a virgin and that I have no friends, and they play on that. Oh yes, get to know them, great idea!
Ok, I've noticed folks keep saying the words, "get" and "out", get out where, precisely? I would like to know more about this.
Perhaps you reckon I should go to the pub on my own and walk up to some stranger and tell them how I am 20 and do not drive, still live with my mum, have never smoked cannabis, have technically only been drunk once, (!) don't drink alcohol often, don't have even a single friend or a social life, don't smoke, don't go out anywhere, have not kissed a girl since I was about 8 years old, have never travelled abroad on my own, have not been on a holiday since 2001, etc etc. Now how do you think people will react to finding all of this out? THEY WILL SIMPLY NOT UNDERSTAND.
THANK YOU. Someone finally acknowledges it. Did anyone notice a line in that paragraph at the bottom of that web page saying something to the effect of, "now the 40 year old guy can finally reach adulthood." I thought being 40 he already was an adult, virgin or not? There see, I am not going to fit in anywhere, ever until this is remedied.
Another question, I am really missing out on anything, with regards to friends or relationships? Every time I wake up every morning, I instantly ask in my head, why do I keep on bothering to do anything with myself? You know what, you are so right. I should totally buck up my ideas, grow up and tell people all of those listed above things that make me so great and exciting company with so much to offer.:rolleyes:
What is it exactly that you don't like about people? I wasn't a big fan of today's society either - I was a virgin until I was 18 which by todays standards is pretty late. I hated the stupidity of people, the obsession with mindless sex and so on. But I've come to accept that's the age we live in, and that there are lots of people out there who do have opinions, ideas, morals and beliefs.
I have stayed in my house(s) most of my life, afraid to venture outside and mix with the people I so detested. But I was also jealous of their communities and realised that it was just my low self-esteem that I needed to sort out. Whilst I'm still not perfectly happy, I've made friends and being in the company of people you can talk and laugh with is one of the best forms of happiness.
I really would not know what to advise without actually knowing you more. I'm certainly interested in what it is you find so unappealing about people and making friends.
I've been registered on these forums for nearly 3 years under various user names but i suppose i've taken this topic to heart because you remind me of me and how i used to be.
You need to face up to the fact you are the problem mate. No matter how i look upon this topic, the issue for you always seems to be about you and how others view your sexual experiences. Well i'm sorry, but the more YOU make this out to be a problem the more others will make of it. Like others have said, whether you are a virgin at 20 or not really means nothing.
Let's look at this from the point of view of your peers: Here i am. 20 years and had a girlfriend. And there's two lads doing the same course, one i know (and therefore care) little about. The other is REALLY hung up about the fact he is a virgin. Who; therefore, when it came to taunts would be the butt of abuse?
I really don't want to seem like a bastard here, but you're attitude is really annoying me. You've clearly got an issue here, but you're seem intent on passing the blame on to evertyone else. Believe it or not, not everyone loses their virginity at 14, no matter what they say. but until you face up to the fact that unless you do something about it, you;re probably not that good company, you;re mebver going to meet anyone.
Like i say, this reminds me of how i felt when i'd just turned 18. It took a big change in my outlook on the world, but as a result i met loads of amazing people who i used to dismiss. For the love of god live for now and stop wallowing in self pity. If you live in sheffield i'll come out for a drink with you. Just please stop being so dismissive of what the world has to offer if you'll just embrace it.