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Lost my faith
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
As I posted last week, I've been having a bit of a crisis of faith concerning men recently and have been wondering if I'm just destined to be better off single.
Well, I had a magical date with a new guy on sunday, and wound up seeing him again on tuesday. He told me on Sunday that he was quite fickle, but that he really liked me, hadn't met anyone like me in a long time, blah blah blah.... Gave me the impression he was very interested, and I liked him a lot too. Tuesday we had another great evening and we ended up sleeping together. Wednesday he tells me he's really happy keeping things as a fling and nothing more serious. So... got his end away and has now had enough of me.
This is the tail end of a string of about 7 men over the past 6 months or so who have made me feel awful. They either cheat on their girlfriends with me and tell me about their relationships after something's happened between us, or they pretend to be really interested and then disappear. Or, the newest one for my experience, are only in it for a shag. I'm feeling really low and undesirable and although I want nothing less than to be cynical about love, I can't help it. I don't want to believe all the stereotypes and nasty cliches, but men really haven't shown me anything better.
If this was any of my friends I'd tell them to just start loving being single and someone would turn up. But I've been single pretty much 2 1/2 years now and it's starting to get really lonely.
Am I being really insecure and pathetic? How do I lift myself out of this hole? And are men really as bad as they've shown themselves to be recently?
Well, I had a magical date with a new guy on sunday, and wound up seeing him again on tuesday. He told me on Sunday that he was quite fickle, but that he really liked me, hadn't met anyone like me in a long time, blah blah blah.... Gave me the impression he was very interested, and I liked him a lot too. Tuesday we had another great evening and we ended up sleeping together. Wednesday he tells me he's really happy keeping things as a fling and nothing more serious. So... got his end away and has now had enough of me.
This is the tail end of a string of about 7 men over the past 6 months or so who have made me feel awful. They either cheat on their girlfriends with me and tell me about their relationships after something's happened between us, or they pretend to be really interested and then disappear. Or, the newest one for my experience, are only in it for a shag. I'm feeling really low and undesirable and although I want nothing less than to be cynical about love, I can't help it. I don't want to believe all the stereotypes and nasty cliches, but men really haven't shown me anything better.
If this was any of my friends I'd tell them to just start loving being single and someone would turn up. But I've been single pretty much 2 1/2 years now and it's starting to get really lonely.
Am I being really insecure and pathetic? How do I lift myself out of this hole? And are men really as bad as they've shown themselves to be recently?
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I don't know....I'm with butterflykisses on this one really....have found the same.....OK, she could have waited a bit, but she'd heard from him that he was really interested, he really liked her, etc...and she didn't feel like it was just a crappy line, she felt at the time that she could trust him enough & was getting into something 'proper', so why not sleep with him??
I've found the same in the past - that 'men are only after one thing'.....and don't worry, think every woman in the world must go through that loss of faith at one time or another!!! It's an old cliche, but I reckon 'the right one'll come along eventually' is true....I haven't found one yet, but my friends are all with great blokes, so I've seen for myself that they do exist, and it's gone a long way to restoring my faith!!
It might seem depressing now, but I think the only thing to do is just keep going, try to keep yourself as open and trusting as possible, don't give up hope, and eventually you'll be rewarded with a decent bloke who doesn't abuse your trust.....good luck!!!! :thumb:
That's easier said than done. Doesn't matter how long you wait if they just want to get into you, they will wait also. Then you'd be even more pissed off coz off all the time you wasted.
Unfortunately, that is also true.
Yeah...I guess....although you'd hope that if all he was out for was a quick shag, if he wasn't genuine, he'd just get sick of waiting and go out and find sex with someone else.....
The date with the guy on Sunday... That was a first date?
If he didn't really know you and was feeding you that stuff already, didn't you think he was trying to butter you up? I'd be worried if somebody was complimenting me that much on a first date (unless of course you'd known him for a while).
She didn't say she didn't want to have sex!
Maybe she *did* feel ready?? Doesn't sound like it was all coming from him to me.....and it's the age old thing...why, when you're female, should you be any less respected/treated worse just because you have sex a little quicker?? Why should you be made to feel like you have to wait & wait & wait if you felt ready ages ago?? I never understand that...feel like it's just playing games...I don't know....:(
Oops...Lipsy beat me to it...but yeah...that's what I was trying to get at!!! :thumb:
Exactly!
Woman don't just have sex to satisfy mens urges, Woman have them too.
No, but look back to my original post.
If you sleep with somebody on the second date, well imo what do you expect? It's just like having a one night stand effectively... Plus you're more likely to get a reputation and attract that sort of person, which is fair enough if you want one night stands.
You're not being insecure and pathetic, at all. You've had a run of bad/disappointing experience and it's no surprise at all that you're starting to feel really disillusioned with men and probably also with your own judgement.
I'm not sure how you lift yourself out of this hole. I suppose, as you said, you need to take your own advice and embrace the single life. But when you're feeling lonely sometimes it seems like a far easier - and more attractive - option to do anything but. I guess all I can say is that most of us have been in your position at one point or another, and it's not really anything to do with your own bad judgement or the way you've conducted yourself with these blokes. As has been said already, waiting to sleep with them doesn't really yield any benefits. As [some] women start to hold off from having sex longer, [some] men adapt and learn that they have to wait longer. It doesn't change the end result, if they're a tosser and are going to become cold or end things after they've achieved their aim then they're going to do that whether you've waited three days or three months. For some I guess it's a game of sorts, for others I guess it's just a case of selfish immaturity and a complete inability to consider how their actions might make someone else feel. You can take some comfort in the fact that, someday, someone will probably do the same to them
As for "what next", I'm a bit stumpted as to advice and... well there's not really a lot you can do differently unless you're willing to shut yourself away and build up walls to protect yourself - not something I would suggest, and not the sort of person I imagine you to be, if I'm honest. It's easier said than done, but don't let anyone [who is the antithesis] make you feel bad for being an honest, warm person who is willing to take these risks. I'm sure [or at least hope!] you already know this, but if their piss poor behaviour is anything to go by then it is absolutely, positively THEIR loss. They can go forth and multiply with someone else
I'd definitely agree to hold off before sleeping with them. I know it's hard but you just have to try. After you've known someone a few weeks and really spoken to them and got to know them, you can read what they are after. If someone only wants sex, they won't want to go out on 'dates' with you, they will just want to come round to your house, or you to theirs.
I'm sorry you've had some bad experiences but there are nice guys out there.
Sex is generally better when you wait anyway, anticipation is a very good thing.
I didn't say they deserve to get treated badly. :eek2:
Did you not?:p
There's no point in debating whether sex is better if you wait or whether you should give into your urges whenever you damn well please, as we're all going to feel differently on that. It's claptrap that a woman should have to repress her sexual desires in order to build a good, solid relationship -- who would WANT a relationship based on little timing games of when to have sex, and holding out on your desires? Not me, anyway. The OP just needs to come to terms with the fact that she has let her guard down in the past and and took the risk. To me it is worth it every time, though obviously not everyone feels that way.
Not everyone manages it, but I do think you'll learn to realise the genuine men from the losers. You're smart, and probably generally a very good judge of character but of course that all goes out of the window when it comes to relationships. Maybe when it comes down to it it's genuinely just about luck - who you meet and at what point in your/their life you meet them. But as I said, I'd rather have a thousand failed relationships than spend my love life holding back for fear of things going tits up or the fella turning out to be a tosser. Don't for one second feel humiliated or dejected because you were yourself, and took a chance - they are the ones who should feel humiliated in my opinion. Oh, and please try to keep at least a little faith in men. Despite the best efforts of the men you've met to destroy the reputation of their entire sex, rest assured that there are good blokes out there who say what they mean and mean what they say.
Oh, and if on a first (?) date a bloke is babbling about "not having met anyone" and indicating that this is something special then I would... well, not immediately feel mistrustful but it would definitely put up a red flag :chin:
I didn't say she deserves it, just not to expect somebody who sleeps with you on a second date to stick around. A lot of people are just out for a quick lay... You are only reinforcing this behaviour surely, by giving them what they probably want rather than waiting a while to get to know them.
Yeah, me too.
Aww
I don't think she needs to change her attitude to sex, AT ALL, it's these particular men that need to change their ways [or at least be upfront from the start, the scoundrels!]!
I guess you're right..never really looked at it that way....suppose part of it is wanting to 'keep the faith' and believe that they actually mean what they say and they're not just spouting crap...I'd hate my instant reaction to anything nice & positive a bloke said to be "yeah, yeah, blah blah blah, whatever..." and get all cynical...but suppose that doesn't mean you have to sleep with him at the first opportunity either...suppose it's all about balance...and sometimes it's just hard to find that. But yeah...didn't mean to have a go or anything....:no:
Yep - you're right!! Just don't see why women are sometimes punished and judged for just being sexual in the first place....and these men who act like this give men a bad name, and lower women's self confidence...not good!!! Anyway, that's it...I'm not saying any more, cos am well aware I've banged on about this far too much already....it's just a subject close to my heart!!!
As for the sleeping together debate, I liked him a lot, felt like he really liked me, and I wanted to sleep with him. I honestly didn't see the 'I just want a fling' line coming, so I don't feel the need to defend myself on that front.
I really don't want to become the kind of person who enters a potential relationship analysing things with their head, ignoring their heart and expecting the worst - I've always looked for the best in people. But I guess maybe I've been looking so hard for the good that I've let my guard down and chosen to ignore the bad. How do you find a balance?
I'm probably also guilty of rushing things a bit in terms of my emotions. Bad point of being single for so long is that when you do meet someone you really like it's hard not to let your feelings run away a bit, and that's when you trust people too soon...
I like sex sure btu I would never pretend to like a girl just get it.
I would be up front. If I wanna go out with a girl coz I like her I'd say and if I just wanted fun then I'd say that to.
you may have read my own little thing going on at the mo with a girl, well I am unsure where I am with her now and have been mucked around by girls in the past.
So ur not the only one and nor are girls the only one.
genuine guys are out there, I dont know how many but they exist.
ps Lipsy, I wish I had met you at uni, I wouldnt have messed u about.