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Rant of Hipocracy
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
hey guys sorry bout this post I've agonised for hours whether to post or not I just needed to get in down and out of my head before things got out of control. This is nothing but a rant because once again my head is full of shit it shouldn't be and not full of stuff it should be grrrrrr and the need for a dump area is in desperate need, and I'm sorry but this thread is being used for it.
The problem recently is I've been off my anti-psychotics for 3 months as
sugested by my psych and have done well till recently when I've had serveral
episodes. The worst was Wednesday when I stopped at my family home en-route
to a pysch appointment. My abuser lived and still lives next door to my
parents, I lost it so badly having torched things with an aerosol and my
lighter I picked a golf club up and smashed up anything breakable in the
garden , and then walked around the house and road with the club over my
shoulder. This is starting to freak me out that this son of a bitch has
still got a hold on me 22 years on.
The destruction is spiralling outta control again and the self destruct button has been pressed, I found solace in cutting again <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">
I guess I'm getting myself back to the <sarchatically> "Good ol days" The biggest thing I feel
in myself is being able to tell people where to go in mental crisis, yet I've got all the numbers here yet do I heed my own advice? do I fuck, I apologise if I sound a hipocrit cuz that is what I amount to, and I am sorry for being hipocritical, it's not that these places can't help, I just am too gutless to do anything, to lazy to help myself I guess. for me right now I've become all that I despise a complete self loathing for all I am, all I have become and all that was and all that is yet to be. I have made some rash promises over the last few months and even last few days and I can only appologise for breaking them now or in the future...
Sorry for the ranting of this post and general air of feeling sorry for myself I just needed to get rid of a lot.
Luk
I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk to loud
I think it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act to proud
The problem recently is I've been off my anti-psychotics for 3 months as
sugested by my psych and have done well till recently when I've had serveral
episodes. The worst was Wednesday when I stopped at my family home en-route
to a pysch appointment. My abuser lived and still lives next door to my
parents, I lost it so badly having torched things with an aerosol and my
lighter I picked a golf club up and smashed up anything breakable in the
garden , and then walked around the house and road with the club over my
shoulder. This is starting to freak me out that this son of a bitch has
still got a hold on me 22 years on.
The destruction is spiralling outta control again and the self destruct button has been pressed, I found solace in cutting again <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">
I guess I'm getting myself back to the <sarchatically> "Good ol days" The biggest thing I feel
in myself is being able to tell people where to go in mental crisis, yet I've got all the numbers here yet do I heed my own advice? do I fuck, I apologise if I sound a hipocrit cuz that is what I amount to, and I am sorry for being hipocritical, it's not that these places can't help, I just am too gutless to do anything, to lazy to help myself I guess. for me right now I've become all that I despise a complete self loathing for all I am, all I have become and all that was and all that is yet to be. I have made some rash promises over the last few months and even last few days and I can only appologise for breaking them now or in the future...Sorry for the ranting of this post and general air of feeling sorry for myself I just needed to get rid of a lot.
Luk
I think it's because I'm clumsy
I try not to talk to loud
I think it's because I'm crazy
I try not to act to proud
0
Comments
I'm sorry you're feeling bad again <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">
You are a wonderful person Al, you give excellent advice and are always there for people. You make me feel happy about myself again and listen to me moaning on about my problems which aren't really serious compared to some of the stuff thats happened to other people.
I don't know what to say, I have no advice to share with you cos I know nothing about what you're going through, I can only imagine what its like, but I want you to know I'll always be there for you, you have a strong support network at thesite and we all love you.
Try and stay strong Al (((((((Al)))))))))
xx
hey ur not a hypocrite. u giv the best advice of almost anyone on this site, u know what ur talking about and u really care.
You are a very special person to a lot of people because they realise how great you are <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> i have to agree with Elisa, you make me feel better about myself too and i wish i could be there 4 u the way u have been 4 me. I will try my hardest, but i think it is a special quality that is unique to you. U are so sweet and warm and caring you help all of us so much so don't worry bout a rant, we all want to help you too, even if we mite find it hard.
What has your psych said about this? Do you think u shud go back on AP's again? It's always going to have an effect on you being near that horrible person, i cna't even begin to suggest what to do, because i am in no position although i wish i was <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">
I know what you mean about telling ppl the best thing to do, i do it too. Like, if someone says that they are felling depressed i will automatically say, go talk to ur gp, but in my situation i went to the gp 4 times, and never could i go thru with it. So in that respect i am the same asu, but just because u tell ppl to do the things that u wouldn't it doesn't mean u r a bad person, just that some people find things easier to do than others, laziness doesn't come into it.
Take care Al, we're here for u <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">
~*~Emma~*~
There's a girl in my mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did
U r by no means a hipocrite, well if u r then I am to. Its all too easy to give good advice to other people and not use it on yourself. I dont think u r a hipocrite coz of this, everybody does it. Like the saying goes "you cant see the picture when you're standing in the frame".
I have a lot of respect for u al and I think u give some great advice to people on here. Im so sorry u r feeling like this now. All I can say to maybe help u in anyway is that I am still afected by the person that fucked me up as achild and it makes me so angry too. It eats me up inside that someone can still afect me so much, so I no just where u r coming from. I just wish so much u didnt hurt yourself coz of what this arsehole done! But there I go being a hipocrite myself by saying that.
I hope that u feel happier again soo. I think its great u have been of your medication though, its a really worrying time when u r used to being on meds and then u come off!
Take care mate!
What can I do Al? nothing
But I'm here when you need me
j9
youre not a hypocrite. its always so much harder to take your own advice. everyone does it. like i give advice on here to people, but i blatantly ignore it myself. take my mum for example, shes smoked since she was 16, shes always telling me how awful it is and how she wishes shed never started, giving me all this advice not to smoke, all the while puffing on a fag herself. ah well, it worked though, ive never smoked a cigarette in my life and dont intend to.
its always easier to know what to do instead of actually going through with it yourself. you've been there for me recently, i know its been a bad time for you and i cuold have picked my time to need you a bit better!! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/rolleyes.gif"> lol... but despite having your own problems youve listened to me go on about mine and my fears for various people who i care about, youve even given advice, like not taking everyone elses problems on board too much, which i wish i could follow...i know i should, but i cant help it. *sigh*.. but youre always there for people when you need them. what everyone else has said about you is true.
i hope you feel better soon and stop feeling the need to harm yourself. you can always come and vent here, which im sure you know, and everyone WILL reply, whether yu want them to or not!! <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"> and if you ever need to talk, ill listen on yahoo like you have done for me. i might not be able to say anything useful... but ill listen.
((((((((((((((((al))))))))))))))))))
It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches, only takes one match to burn a thousand trees