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My Friend

MixBotMixBot Posts: 8,656 Automated Account
I need advice on my friend...I'm really worried about her. She told me stuff at college today thats made me even more worried about her than I was before...heres basically what her background is.

She was raped when she was 14, (shes 16 now) her whole family then turned against her and her mum kicked her out because she thought she was a slut and her mums a bit mental as well, she's kicked out all her daughters so far and only lets the sons live in the house. She's still not over her rape yet but the bastards are in prison, and she lives a pretty normal life she's always happy with me and cheerful, and I thought she was ok but today...she showed me her arms...i was so shocked shes been cutting herself and shes got scars all over her arm. She also said that she was feeling suicidal at the moment and she wants to kill herself.

I couldn't believe it, I didn't know what to say, she said shes been to the doctor and shes on antidepressents, but i just didnt know what to say, i just hugged her and said that i couldnt beliebe it and that i'd always be there for her and if she ever felt down she could just ring me up and i'd be right there...but what else can I do ? I wanna help her but i've no idea what to do cos i've had no experience in all this whatsoever...help anyone ?
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey elisa, sorry to hear bout this. It must have been a bit of a shock for u. I can really relate to wat your mates goin through although things have changed with me now and my whole familly situation is diffrent than it was a while ago.
    I no for me, all my friends around me could have done to help me out was to be there for me. It sounds like your friend has done the right thing so far by going to her docter and getting on meds, maybe u could suggest she ask about seeing a counseller also. Other than this theres not much else u can do but be there when she needs u and let her no that there r people that care out there. That would have been enough for me from a friend and Im sure she will appreciate it. I hope its not too much for u to cope with though, it must be real hard seeing your friend like this.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Elisa. Self harm isn't actually that unusual sadly and attracts quite a lot of stigma. It sounds like you got it just about dead right in supporting her like that. No matter what happens, self harm normally results from deep rooted problems that aren't going to go away overnight, if ever. The important thing for you to do is to make sure she knows that you accept and love her, while at the same time not encouraging the self harm in any way, or any of the beliefs and ideas she holds that are making her self harm.

    An important step that you might be able to help her make is for her to receive some sort of therapy - many people find this helps. Also If she's feeling this depressed, make sure she knows she can talk to you and that you won't judge her - though I think you know all that <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">. Another good way to help her is to keep her occupied (go out to the cinema or whatever with her, etc.), which will take her mind off her problems and difficulties and just give her a bit of space from it all temporarily.

    It sounds like her mum's been really unsupportive and nasty - but unfortunately this isn't actually that unusual. Lots of parents can't cope and when difficult things happen just push their children away in some way, emotionally or physically or both. Her rejection by her family and mother will almost certainly have hurt her far more than it seems on the surface, and may also indicate much longer running problems within that family which will have damaged her in the past. What she needs is love, understanding and support (from friends etc.), help from a therapist or similar to help understand her emotions, problems and past etc., and a lot of time.

    Good luck Elisa, give her a hug from me. <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    {{{{Elisa}}}}}
    I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going to well for your friend at the moment. The first thing I would say, if she is actively suicidal she needs to see urgent help from her doctor or psychiatrist or CPN (if she has either of the latter 2).

    Sadly depression can't be treated by medication alone, except in a few rare cases. It ussually needs to be done along side some form of therapy, whether Psychology, Pyshcotherapy or Counselling. As frightening as this all sounds, it can and does work, it isn't a quick fix, it will take a time and a lot of hard work, and it can get very hard at times. At these times support is very important.

    As for the self harm, it is very difficult for people to see scars and cuts and burns. Of my closest personal friends only one isn't afraid to see or touch the inside of my arms, even though she doesn't fully understand about cutting. G & R who are my best friends wince and squirm if they ever see a cut or burn on my hand or arms and will end up questioning why I do it and why don't I just stop it. It can be very frightening to see if you don't understand. whilst I was in hospital I made a friend who had cuts and burns all over her arms, all the other patients avoided her because they were frightened of hor horrific it looked. That upset me more than the fact she did what she was doing. Even some of the nurses were frightend of the scars. The walls came down when people saw me walking down the ward hallways holding her hand and chatting to her.

    being there for your friend sadly is all you can do for her, by giving her the hug and telling her you'd be there for her will have meant so very much it's hard to put in words. Because her tendancies sound like suicide is hitting her, you need to encourage her to seek medical attention urgently. Watching your friend go through this awful time and will be very hard for you, if there's anything I can do you know where to find me <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    Originally posted by RachaelHolmes:
    have a look on the depression alliance website for a local support group in ur area (i'm sure luka will provide a link!). if u can't get ur friend 2 go along u could still go alone like i did.

    I'm obliged to it's http://depressionalliance.org
    if they don't have a local group to you, or you don't feel like either of you can attend one, there is an exellent message forum, and chat room where you will get a multitude of usefull advice and support from the users ( some depression survivors, recovered depressives and some friends and relatives of depression suferers.

    Good luck Elisa to both you and your friend. If you need any help, you know where to come. Take care

    Luv
    Luk

    The river is wide and oh so deep. I've been walking around in tears, No answers arethere to get. Cause between this world and eternity there is a face I hope to see
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks everyone for all your advice. Last night she rang me up really upset and she said she'd had an argument with her mum and she was going to kill herself, I had no idea what to do, I was saying please no don't and I went straight out the door and caught the bus to her house, but she lives about half an hour away from me and when i got there she was crying her eyes out and had some fresh cuts. I just hugged her for ages. I told her I didn't know what to say but that she was a really nice person and she doesnt need to hurt herself like this...and ihope what I said sounded ok.

    I slept over at her house and we didnt mention what happened the night before but at dinner today in a empty classroom we were just reading magazines and I asked to show me her arms to see how bad they were. I was asking her about counsellors and everything and she said shes been to see them all, cos she started cutting herself when she was 11 but they don't work, and she cant talk about her problems, cos in her family they were brought up to not tell their problems, to just keep them to themselves and never cry.

    I only met her in September at college which is why I never knew any of this before, but I told her she needs to tell the doctor that shes suicidal and I made her promise not to commit suicide but I doubt if she really meant it, she was probably trying to just shut me up, but I'm not going on about it I'm not going to nag her because that might make her do it more, and everything I'm just confused and hope what I've done so far is ok.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I sort of have an update on my friend....I was talking to her today and she said that she's been to the doctor and told him that she was feeling suicidal and also told him about the cutting. She said that he wasnt really very understanding but that he's put her on a really high dose of antidepressants and that a health visitor sort of person has to come round every day to give them her.

    I didn't know this but he's already referred her for counselling but she only went a couple of times, because she didnt like it but he's referred her to a pyschiatrist, a dietician (because she hasn't been eating) and also told her to go back to the counselling sessions or else she could get admitted to the pyschiatric ward at the hospital.

    I've also decided to try and help her in different ways. I've taken a look at the depression alliance site and i think its really good, so sometime next week I'm gonna invite her to my house and then we can look at that site, and I'm also gonna show her this board, and I'm going to log onto yahoo so Luka or Lolly if you're on I hope you wont mind offering advice to her.

    I hope everything works.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey elisa, I wont mind chatting to your frined at all, Id b glad too. Its good that her docter is on top of wats goin on though, even if he dont seem very supportive. Let me no what sort of time she will b online and when so I can make sure Im around for her. Think u r a really great friend doing all this for her. Friends mean a lot in times of need and she will thank u for it later in life <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    {{{{{{Elisa}}}}}}}
    just wondered how your friend was doing ?

    Luk

    The river is wide and oh so deep. I've been walking around in tears, No answers arethere to get. Cause between this world and eternity there is a face I hope to see
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by LUKA:
    {{{{{{Elisa}}}}}}}
    just wondered how your friend was doing ?

    Luk


    Hi Luka, as I told you before she was in hospital for food poisoning, and it seems to have done her good because while she was in there she went to see the psychiatrist a couple of times.

    Shes still cutting but not as much, it used to be like a couple of times everyday but now its maybe once every other day. She's going to counsellor sessions. I think the doctor scared her by saying that she'd have to be admitted to the ward if she didn't go. She seems a little bit happier. I hope it lasts.

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