Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.

Ok. Why?!

24

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    dont get me wrong, im pro choice, but I think people need to make their OWN choices about it, and the baby was PLANNED.
    You dont just fucking PLAN a baby and then abort it cos you split up with the dad.

    That's my point.

    g_angel - i do see what you're saying and I know I'm coming across badly here, but you know, stuff happens. You make your bed and you learn to live with it.

    Rightly or wrongly this baby was planned (although not thought through partiularly well) and it's coming now. I just don't believe in aborting it just because our 'plans' messed up - or because I messed them up!
    I've wanted a baby ever since I was 14 (although I wouldn't have actually had one back then!) and it's only since I've found out I've been pregnant that I've felt kind of...numb about it.
    I am worried that I'm feeling like this and that's why I'm speaking to my GP tomorrow, but I think it could be because the whole situation was such a mess - no one's congratulated either me or Phil (obviously), he didn't seem too thrilled...etc.

    I am going to think the abortion thing through but I will probably end up keeping it. Like I say, I've always wanted a family and although I'm not with the baby's dad I'll make the best of the situation. Plenty of people do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok, but having an abortion isnt just some flippant solution to a problem.

    I think its a really wierd and totally exclusive to the nature of this fucking place that people will be going "go on..... have an abortion, youre nuts, have an abortion"


    nice.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    That's my point.

    g_angel - i do see what you're saying and I know I'm coming across badly here, but you know, stuff happens. You make your bed and you learn to live with it.

    If you decide to keep it, fair enough, but it's not going to be a walk in the park.

    I stand by my point that I think your situation is wrong to bring a baby into - going on the information you've given.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok, but having an abortion isnt just some flippant solution to a problem.

    I think its a really wierd and totally exclusive to the nature of this fucking place that people will be going "go on..... have an abortion, youre nuts, have an abortion"


    nice.

    No - people are going on the information that is given to them, and their opinions are their own.

    I don't think that this is an exclusive thing - I believe that it would be an option put forward by many people, anywhere.

    It's never a flippant solution for many people, but what do you expect us to say? 'Oh yes! Be yet another person claiming benefits to scrape by'?

    Hey - in 5 years this girl could be in a decent relationship, with a decent person and would be in a much better position to support a child. This is my main thing - having a child is a massive responsibility and certainly not something I, personally, would want to go alone on. If I were in the same situation - I would not keep the baby. But that is my opinion, and is not necessarily right for the OP.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Whereas a lot of single mothers out there have done brilliant jobs. How do you know Alasia won't be one of them? I think that it's pretty irresposible to advise having an abortion when you don't even know the girl. Plus, has she even asked whether she should have the baby? I thought this was a relationship thread.

    Oh and kudos for the empathy being shown :rolleyes:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just want to say, I've thought about all this.

    I lost my job, my home and my partner all at once, then found out I was pregnant four days after me and my ex broke up.
    Of course I'm constantly thinking that I can't brign a baby into the world when I have no job, barely any money and am living with my dad in his house, but I am trying to fix things.

    I'm applying for any and every job I can because I really don't want to be on benefits, or at least I want to have saved up enough money by the time the babys' born, that I'll be at least comfortable for a while.
    My mum has said she'll watch the baby while I go to work and I know that's not ideal either, but for now it would be one solution.
    I'm also working on getting myself somewhere to live.

    As I said before I will consider the abortion thing, but don't feel like it should be my only option.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    no one's congratulated either me or Phil (obviously), he didn't seem too thrilled...etc.

    what about your family?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    I just want to say, I've thought about all this.

    I lost my job, my home and my partner all at once, then found out I was pregnant four days after me and my ex broke up.
    Of course I'm constantly thinking that I can't brign a baby into the world when I have no job, barely any money and am living with my dad in his house, but I am trying to fix things.

    I'm applying for any and every job I can because I really don't want to be on benefits, or at least I want to have saved up enough money by the time the babys' born, that I'll be at least comfortable for a while.
    My mum has said she'll watch the baby while I go to work and I know that's not ideal either, but for now it would be one solution.
    I'm also working on getting myself somewhere to live.

    As I said before I will consider the abortion thing, but don't feel like it should be my only option.

    I wouldnt feel too much under pressure for that either. If you want to stay at home and look after your baby for a while, then you DO that.
    Go back to work when you feel ready. You probably WILL have to have some benefits - youll be able to get maternity allowance for 18 weeks, child benefit, possibly lone parent income support. If you do go back to work for 16 hours a week or more, youll be able to top up your wages with working families tax credit.
    There is financial help available for you if you want to keep your baby. The hard part will be the emotional support youll lack as a single parent. Its good if your mum is prepared to help out sometimes though. Are you close to her?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lipsy, my family have said they'll support me, but all I'm getting from my mum at the moment is a guilt trip.
    As soon as I mentioned abortion (which I don't agree with and never thought I'd consider, btw) she started going on about how it's an innocent life, she's always wanted granchildren, is excited by the thought of her first grandchild - and even said she'd take the baby off my hands if I didn't want it!

    Not very helpful.

    I'm probably being idealistic, but one 'proper' congratuations would have been nice!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I wouldnt feel too much under pressure for that either. If you want to stay at home and look after your baby for a while, then you DO that.
    Go back to work when you feel ready. You probably WILL have to have some benefits - youll be able to get maternity allowance for 18 weeks, child benefit, possibly lone parent income support. If you do go back to work for 16 hours a week or more, youll be able to top up your wages with working families tax credit.
    There is financial help available for you if you want to keep your baby. The hard part will be the emotional support youll lack as a single parent. Its good if your mum is prepared to help out sometimes though. Are you close to her?

    Fairly close. At the moment she's being a bit of a pain, guilting me because I mentioned abortion, but she is very supportive and I know she'll help out.

    I do want to work and I'd rather not be on benefits, but again it's thinnking about what's best for the baby, and not letting stupid pride get in the way of providing for my child.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    on here or in real life?

    Congratulations :)

    Honestly, you dont have to make excuses if you want to keep your baby, you bloody well keep it. Fuck finances, Fuck your ex boyfriend, Fuck everyon else tbh.
    You need to grow a backbone and just stop chasing a guy who is bad news for you and bad news for your little one. That whole relationship is BAD NEWS. Try and keep it in the past, and concentrate on your future.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    on here or in real life?

    Congratulations :)

    Honestly, you dont have to make excuses if you want to keep your baby, you bloody well keep it. Fuck finances, Fuck your ex boyfriend, Fuck everyon else tbh.
    You need to grow a backbone and just stop chasing a guy who is bad news for you and bad news for your little one. That whole relationship is BAD NEWS. Try and keep it in the past, and concentrate on your future.

    Well put and I agree!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    Whereas a lot of single mothers out there have done brilliant jobs. How do you know Alasia won't be one of them? I think that it's pretty irresposible to advise having an abortion when you don't even know the girl. Plus, has she even asked whether she should have the baby? I thought this was a relationship thread.

    Oh and kudos for the empathy being shown :rolleyes:



    Yes - a lot DO do very good jobs. As I have repeatedly said, I am going on the information that I have been provided with and so am basing my opinions on that. As she said herself, she hasn't come across very well (understatement), which is another thing I am using as a base for my opinions - coming to the conclusions I have.

    Empathy? I think many people ran out of that and any sympathy when the OP repeatedly returned after not taking any advice and still having the same problems.

    If she does go ahead with keeping the baby (which seems likely), as I've said, fair enough. I am certainly not going to change my opinion on the matter though.

    Oh - and her being pregnant is PART of this whole relationship issue.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel007 wrote: »
    Yes - a lot DO do very good jobs. As I have repeatedly said, I am going on the information that I have been provided with and so am basing my opinions on that. As she said herself, she hasn't come across very well (understatement), which is another thing I am using as a base for my opinions - coming to the conclusions I have.

    Empathy? I think many people ran out of that and any sympathy when the OP repeatedly returned after not taking any advise and still having the same problems.

    If she does go ahead with keeping the baby (which seems likely), as I've said, fair enough. I am certainly not going to change my opinion on the matter though.

    Oh - and her being pregnant is PART of this whole relationship issue.

    Yes but did she SPECIFICALLY ask for advice on whether to keep the baby or not?

    Obviously you only have the information that she has typed which is by no means the full story. I think it's pretty rash of people on here to declare her an unfit mother without knowing her and is actually quite cruel.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    on here or in real life?

    Congratulations

    Honestly, you dont have to make excuses if you want to keep your baby, you bloody well keep it. Fuck finances, Fuck your ex boyfriend, Fuck everyon else tbh.
    You need to grow a backbone and just stop chasing a guy who is bad news for you and bad news for your little one. That whole relationship is BAD NEWS. Try and keep it in the past, and concentrate on your future

    Thanks :)

    Don't worry, the past few hours have really helped what you guys have been saying for weeks, sink in. He's irresponsible, makes excuses for his behaviour, is waaaay to concerned with what other people think and the fact he wouldn't see his son because he wasn't on good terms with his ex is mental - he should have put his son first, IMO.

    I know Ive behaved badly too and I'm not excusing it any of it, but the minute he started slagging off my family I lost all respect for him.

    He's said he hates me, never wants to see me again etc before and changed his mind, but I'm not going to contact him (already deleted all his numbers) and if he does come back in future and decide he wants to see the baby, it'll be on my terms; which means being more involved with this one than he is with his youngest son (who he saw for 6 months, then gave up for another 6 months, saw him again at Christmas then nothing since!).

    I won't take anymore empty promises.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yeah I agree, I don't think its fair to tell someone to have an abortion. Regardless of her relationship with the father, Alasia wants to keep this baby and love it. I agree that Alasia is a bit immature but this is her first real relationship and hopefully she is learning from it. If she aborted this baby just because its not an ideal situation then she would probably regret it for the rest of her life. And thats not a nice thing to have to deal with.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry I started an argument :blush:

    I have acted very immature, I know that.

    But I do honestly feel a lot better, and believe it or not everyone's advice has been sinking in and helping...it's just that it's been sooo slow to do it!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    Yes but did she SPECIFICALLY ask for advice on whether to keep the baby or not?


    No she didn't - and I at no point said she did. BUT several people put their opinons forward, as they are entitled to do so. Their opinions included their thoughts on the baby - especially as she has repeatedly used 'it' as a tool for possible emotional manipulation. To me, that's not right.

    Obviously you only have the information that she has typed which is by no means the full story.

    To repeat myself, yet again, I am going on the information given. What else are we supposed to go on exactly? Tell you what - let's ask Trisha... FFS.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    Thanks :)

    Don't worry, the past few hours have really helped what you guys have been saying for weeks, sink in. He's irresponsible, makes excuses for his behaviour, is waaaay to concerned with what other people think and the fact he wouldn't see his son because he wasn't on good terms with his ex is mental - he should have put his son first, IMO.

    I know Ive behaved badly too and I'm not excusing it any of it, but the minute he started slagging off my family I lost all respect for him.

    He's said he hates me, never wants to see me again etc before and changed his mind, but I'm not going to contact him (already deleted all his numbers) and if he does come back in future and decide he wants to see the baby, it'll be on my terms; which means being more involved with this one than he is with his youngest son (who he saw for 6 months, then gave up for another 6 months, saw him again at Christmas then nothing since!).

    I won't take anymore empty promises.

    That's better.

    Once you get your immediate stuff sorted, then you can focus on the baby, which will be still some months away.

    Just don't fall back into the hounding him thing. As you say - keep it on your terms if/when he does decide he wants to be involved. You have the 'power' in this if you choose to work it this way - and I think that's something you need.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    especially as she has repeatedly used 'it' as a tool for possible emotional manipulation. To me, that's not right.

    I didn't realise I was doing that :blush:

    When I kept telling him I was pregnant, all I was trying to do was get him to see how wrong it is to get people pregnant then not be interested in seeing the baby. As much as he hates me, IMO he should be wanting to see the baby in future, not saying "you're psycho so my kid doesn't get to see it's dad". That's just wrong to me.

    I repeatedly told him not to get back with me because I was pregnant - at one point a couple of weeks ago, he said he'll always have feelings for me because I'm the mother of his child - and I told him then not to let the fact I'm pregnant influence his decision.

    I never would have wanted us to get back together because I'm pregant, because we'd have ended up resenting each other and probably splitting up again anyway.
    Just don't fall back into the hounding him thing. As you say - keep it on your terms if/when he does decide he wants to be involved. You have the 'power' in this if you choose to work it this way - and I think that's something you need.

    That was my pride getting in the way of my perspective.

    In my mind, the ball's in his court - he's told me to get out of his life, I didn't walk away voluntarily (although I wish I had). But that's a stupid way of looking at it; all that matters is that we stay away from each other, move on seperately and then if we can get in touch for the baby's sake in future, then great. If not, it's his loss.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    People are entitled to their opinions just as I'm entitled to my opinion that what was said was nasty. Without understanding the entire situation. Who are you to say that she should go get an abortion? Alasia seems to be in a pretty stressful situation, what if she had gone ahead and taken your lovely advice and regretted it for the rest of her life?

    P.S. I hate Trisha.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    Sorry I started an argument :blush:

    I have acted very immature, I know that.

    But I do honestly feel a lot better, and believe it or not everyone's advice has been sinking in and helping...it's just that it's been sooo slow to do it!

    :lol:

    Nah - not an argument, but a lively discussion with two completely opposed views being expressed :)

    Abortion is always a touchy subject, and this is no exception - but personally I find tip-toeing around accomplishes nothing, and it's just not the way I am.

    Hey - as along as things sink in eventually, and you make the best choice for you AND the baby, then it's fair enough.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    People are entitled to their opinions just as I'm entitled to my opinion that what was said was nasty. Without understanding the entire situation. Who are you to say that she should go get an abortion? Alasia seems to be in a pretty stressful situation, what if she had gone ahead and taken your lovely advice and regretted it for the rest of her life?

    P.S. I hate Trisha.


    Ok *insert another generic daytime TV show here*. ;)

    Yes, there could be some regret, but that is not always the case. It's a choice that is available and is right for some, and not others. I have friends on both sides of this fence - it's never a clear cut issue in any discussion, and I don't believe ever will be.

    As for who I am? I am just like any other person out there - completely and 100% entitled to give their opinion on anything they want. That is all the justification I need. As for being nasty - no, I am being straight to the point. If it comes off that way, then so be it, but that's how it goes sometimes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    I didn't realise I was doing that :blush:

    Yes - you were :(

    However - if you actually manage to stick with with what you are saying in the rest of that post, then it'll be a good start.

    You've not the best track record for this, but now that you've deleted his number, you've at least taken the first step.

    Good luck. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    g_angel007 wrote: »
    Ok *insert another generic daytime TV show here*. ;)

    Yes, there could be some regret, but that is not always the case. It's a choice that is available and is right for some, and not others. I have friends on both sides of this fence - it's never a clear cut issue in any discussion, and I don't believe ever will be.

    As for who I am? I am just like any other person out there - completely and 100% entitled to give their opinion on anything they want. That is all the justification I need. As for being nasty - no, I am being straight to the point. If it comes off that way, then so be it, but that's how it goes sometimes.

    Fair enough :) <- not meant as a smug smile!

    To OP, hope things work out for you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    Fair enough :) <- not meant as a smug smile!

    To OP, hope things work out for you



    Aye - it's of those things that could go round and round.

    My parents are both members of SPUC (very Catholic) and I've had long running (rather lively) discussions with the both of them on this subject - always coming to the 'we'll agree to disagree' conclusion...

    I will admit to sometimes being a little (very) terse though, and so on that I will offer the OP an apology. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ahhh I would get so wound up by that! (with regard to people who are pro-life)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    as I said before, Im very pro choice, but it is all about choice - not about women being coerced into doing something they dont want - either having a baby they dont want, or having an abortion they dont want.

    I really think people who havent been through it can be rather flippant about the effects it can and often does have when its been something someone was pushed into. It can be hard enough even when it WAS what the person wanted, let alone when it wasnt.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Rachael wrote: »
    Ahhh I would get so wound up by that! (with regard to people who are pro-life)



    Aye - It's not something brought up often, but it's always 'interesting'.

    They've calmed it on the whole religion front since they divorced (well, my dad had an affair [although the circumstances were very difficult leading up to it] and so he didn't have a leg to stand on).

    Good thing really as I could probably be classed as an Atheist.

    Getting slightly off topic now. :p
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    as I said before, Im very pro choice, but it is all about choice - not about women being coerced into doing something they dont want - either having a baby they dont want, or having an abortion they dont want.

    I really think people who havent been through it can be rather flippant about the effects it can and often does have when its been something someone was pushed into. It can be hard enough even when it WAS what the person wanted, let alone when it wasnt.


    I am certainly not disagreeing with what you have posted here.
Sign In or Register to comment.