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Me again...tell me this is bull

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi again...first of all I know I'm going to get flamed for coming back here, moaning about my lovelife when everyone's alreday given me plenty of good advice that I've ignored.

But I'm fairly sure I'm being fed a load of bull by my ex (we did finally split up) and I just want confirmation.

I'll post a link to my other thread that explains the back story if you want, but basically my ex suggested meeting on Thursday (was supposed to be today; my suggestion, but his shift changed at work and he can't make it so he's going to try and get Thursday off work instead. Apparently).

I called him and we had a chat about 'us' - I said I knew he wasn't interested in me anymore and was sure we wouldn't get back together, and he said I was wrong on both counts. He said 'circumstances' meant we couldn't get back together at the moment (it's been a month since we first went on the break, and he ended it 'for good' last Thursday)

I texted him a bit later and asked what these circumstances were, and I mentioned I thought it had a lot to do with me being pregnant, or that he just didn't want to admit he didn't want to be with me.

Again, he said I couldn't be more wrong, but still didn't admit what the mysterious circumstances were. I asked him again and his reply was "it's not easy at the moment, you know it's not. Let things die down first".

This sounds just like bull to me. Like he's too afraid to admit he doesn't want to be with me, so he's just humouring me and hoping I'll get bored - either that, or he's lining me up for some casual sex (which he knows I don't do).

Am I right or am I just being paranoid?

Btw, please bear in mind I'm 8 and a half weeks pregnant with his baby, he wants to be very much involved and I'm definitely keeping it. So we have to be in some sort of contact for the baby's sake.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I havent read any of the previous thread, but from your description he seems to revel in intrigue and mystery, which is totally stupid if you are trying to work out a relationship. Tell him to tell you things straight or not at all. Ignore the rubbish.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, you are going to get flamed! Jesus if this man had ANY respect for you he'd bring you into the picture, go against everyone he's ever loved just to be with you and make it work even if it meant burning bridges with every person he had ever known.

    He's not going to change. He really isn't. You look like such a sucker, honestly. Get rid of his baby, this will destroy you even more than what it's doing already...

    Look how much invisible hope you're holding onto by coming on here repeatedly for these daft threads?! Honestly, you are worth SO much more than this. You are wasting so many precious days of your time on this cock.

    You managed SO well without even knowing him - before this crap. I swear to God with enough willpower and strength you can again when you move on. The sooner the better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    maybe really do that:
    "Again, he said I couldn't be more wrong, but still didn't admit what the mysterious circumstances were. I asked him again and his reply was "it's not easy at the moment, you know it's not. Let things die down first"."

    and never ever use your baby as means of blackmail to him, just in case. Well, tough un' that you want to keep the baby (or that you got preggie in the first place).

    some things just get better over time and not by treatment, let grass grow over that mess first.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's good advice actually. Don't know why I didn't think of that!

    Although to be fair to him, he finds it hard to talk about his feelings, so maybe that could be why he's being so mysterious?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    That's good advice actually. Don't know why I didn't think of that!

    Although to be fair to him, he finds it hard to talk about his feelings, so maybe that could be why he's being so mysterious?

    I'm not giving anymore advice. You have NO spine, honestly. You keep making so many bloody excuses for this prat.

    You do deserve to get shat on. I don't think you'll ever have the delights of a meaningful relationship if this is how you think they are meant to work out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS - so you think this 'letting the grass grow' thing could actually work?
    And he's not just coming out with a load of bull?

    1983 - I see your point, and to be honest it's what I think when he says stuff like that. But his family have basically told him that if he'd have got back together with me, they'd have never spoken to him again.
    He is very close to his family and his mum in particular is veeeery possessive and controlling - she even took it as a personal insult when I didn't go shopping with her and my ex once! I'd been with them every morning that week :rolleyes:

    But it's still no excuse, he should stand up to them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    That's good advice actually. Don't know why I didn't think of that!

    Although to be fair to him, he finds it hard to talk about his feelings, so maybe that could be why he's being so mysterious?

    no this is because he does not fricken know what he wants. He's useless and you'd see that as well if you spent a month without any contect to him.

    feel free to disregard this advice to and make another thread when you are a single and child-raising woman who struggles to get through.
    This is not leading you anywwhere and you know it.
    StrubbleS - so you think this 'letting the grass grow' thing could actually work?
    And he's not just coming out with a load of bull?

    no. This just meant you have to make space between you until you see in what kind of fuckery you are right now and forget about all that crap and move on. you'll see that if there is grass grown over you are looking back and laughing about yourself. won't happen if you contact him and talk about his mystery or wendy, or your pets that are still at his place or anyother mindfuckery. Can't you see it's everytime the same shit in different disguise?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, you are going to get flamed! Jesus if this man had ANY respect for you he'd bring you into the picture, go against everyone he's ever loved just to be with you and make it work even if it meant burning bridges with every person he had ever known.

    All I'm saying is, that's a nice romantic idea but does that still count when the person he's supposed to respect (me) effectively bullied him for 2 months solid? I did some awful stuff to him so can you blame him for being unsure about getting back together and risking losing his family? I'm not trying to make excuses, just trying to see it from his side as well.
    I've had counselling and all sorts by the way, so I am making changes and I think that's why we're getting on better now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Alasia, I'm going to be blunt. You're a joke and you deserved to be treated like this. Not because you are a bad personbut because you let him treat you like this time and time again.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    All I'm saying is, that's a nice romantic idea but does that still count when the person he's supposed to respect (me) effectively bullied him for 2 months solid? I did some awful stuff to him so can you blame him for being unsure about getting back together and risking losing his family? I'm not trying to make excuses, just trying to see it from his side as well.
    I've had counselling and all sorts by the way, so I am making changes and I think that's why we're getting on better now.

    Do you call him 'ending it for good last Thursday' a sign of you getting on better???

    You've got your head firmly up your arse I'm afraid. And just as predicted, you're already throwing all advice back in people's faces, giving really really bad excuses for why this guy is truly your knight in shining armour. He comes across just as spineless as you.

    You're on such a self destructive path and it's so futile saying anything.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know, I'm seeming like a sap. But you guys don't know how I treated him.

    I fucked him up for a while - he ended up broken and in tears because I hit him, kicked him, made him jealous deliberately and constantly kept him feeling insecure. And all because I had low self esteem. I'm getting that side of me sorted now and this baby is very much wanted and very much being looked after. So I'm just trying to see it from his side as well.
    Do you call him 'ending it for good last Thursday' a sign of you getting on better???

    He said "I can't see you anymore. When I do I have feelings and my family are getting too involved, so it's easier this way"
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    1983 - I see your point, and to be honest it's what I think when he says stuff like that. But his family have basically told him that if he'd have got back together with me, they'd have never spoken to him again.
    He is very close to his family and his mum in particular is veeeery possessive and controlling - she even took it as a personal insult when I didn't go shopping with her and my ex once! I'd been with them every morning that week :rolleyes:

    But it's still no excuse, he should stand up to them.

    What's that got to do with the price of fish?! If he loved/cared/respected you flower he would have stood up gave them two fingers and be working two jobs to support the both of you. (Ok that's a bit Ricki Lake of me about the two jobs) but regardless he'd be making a damn sight better effort that this shiteous stunt he's pulling the now.

    "Ooh circumstance, let it die over" fuck that. You HAVE HIS KID. Especially when he has responsibility of his own he has to answer them first of all. Families should understand. What if it were roles reversed and he was the girl pregnant and you the bloke? Would they want you to avoid him at all costs as though fuck all's actually happened?!

    You've been shat on long enough. Seriously, get some respect for yourself. You look SO feeble and weak here. Honestly, I don't even feel sorry for you because you are handing him the Andrex to wipe his arse with after he's done a shite all over you.

    Get an abortion/adoption papers signed up or something because this baby is going to be such a burden and I would be ASHAMED to have that prat as my Father if he treated my Mother like that. PLEASE do the right thing. Stop making excuses..

    No more -

    "he needs time"
    "it's difficult"
    "he can't open up"
    "he's working"
    BULLSHIT.

    He needs to face facts. He has a kid coming into the world and a woman who is carrying it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    alasia wrote: »
    StrubbleS - so you think this 'letting the grass grow' thing could actually work?
    And he's not just coming out with a load of bull?

    Either it works and everything is good.
    Or it doesn't, but if that's the case, what will you have lost from trying it? You'll have a break from all this aggro wondering what he's feeling, explaining yourself, heartache, sleepless nights, trauma.
    It seems like a win-win situation to me!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i used to feel sorry for you but now i feel sorry for him. you kicked him? and made him jealous on purpose? all you do is pester him to talk about his feelings. you don't believe anything he says and use that to argue with him constantly. sorry but you sound waaay too needy.

    also.. apart form the above.. what have you done to make his family hate you so much??
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The reason for us splitting was the violence. I didn't do it everytime we argued, but quite a few times. It's totally understandable and I hate myself for it, which is why I'm not expecting to get another chance and why I'm taking an anger management course and counselling.

    I've never hit anyone before and I don't intend to again.

    The reason I'm coming across as a sap and trying to see it from his point of view is exactly that; I was a bitch and what I did was beyond contempt. It's not exactly a normal situation so can you really be surprised that he doesn't know what he wants?

    The reason I don't believe anything he says is because he's said so many different things - the only thing that's been constant is that he wants to see the baby and that's why I'm trying to stay friends with him if possible. When we meet up, we get on well and it's really frustrating in a way - even he said that when we're together on our own, there's less pressure and he loves it. It's the family being so involved that makes it difficult.

    His family are understandably upset, because from their point of view I was battering him. It wasn't quite that bad, but it was bad enough.
    Also his sister in law decided to stick the knife in after we'd split and say I'd invited someone else back to his house and they turned me down.
    This was a complete lie and I recently found out the man in question was his nephew, who I've only seen twice and both of those times, I was with my ex!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To be honest I think some people just are not meant to have a relationship, and it sounds like this could be the case. I know its hard to move on from someone who you have history with especially if you are pregnant and cant understand why they dont want to be with you. But sometimes its the history that makes you know it wont ever work.

    I think you want to be with him and are clinging to the hope he will want to be with you and everything will be fine. I can't see that being the case if he wont communicate with you and refuses to stand up to his family and friends over this.

    I honestly do think that you are looking for someone to tell you that its ok to carry on wanting to be with him and disregarding everything else because its not what you want to do. I know how it feels, I have been guilty of this in the past, friends giving me advice and I have just ignored it because its not what I wanted to hear. In the end they were right and the situation ended up even worse.

    What you have to think of now is that he has officially ended the relationship, what do you want from life other than this guy ? Do you want to end up being a single mum ? Do you want to continually be hurt by having a tie to this guy and his family and friends or move on ? Yes it will hurt and yes you will be feeling like it would all be better if you could go back to how it was but then eventually it will start to get better.

    Sometimes the the right choice in life is not the easy choice.

    Good luck with it xx xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you're not good for each other.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fucking hell, I'm lost for words. I feel for you as you are clearly completely sucked into this man and this very unhealthy situation -- but you need to stay away from him for a while, pregnant or not, this isn't doing either of you any good... or your unborn child for that matter.

    It's fairly obviously that you thrive on drama, but this is the point at which you need to grow up and do the right thing by everyone involved.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    All I can say is that you both deserve each other. It's the kid I feel sorry for.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What I would say, is that maybe the situation between you and your ex is too complicated now to resolve? Just leave it now. Concentrate on you, and your baby. If he wants to have input as the baby's father then that is fine, but as the father and not as your boyfriend. The next few years I expect will be the most lifechanging years you'll ever have, and it's better you have a clear head and get your priorities sorted now before you've got the child and are falling out with your ex every week.

    One day you may well meet someone new and things will just work and it won't be stupid, there wont be lies, there wont be a family demanding you can't be together - or it wont matter anyway.

    Best of luck,
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stay away from him. You both need space. So much has happened between you that if you continue to see each other constantly then you'll never get your head around it, either of you. You both sound quite dependent on one another at the moment yet you know that you really can't cope in a relationship together. Keep away from each other for 6months, a year, 2 years, whatever, meeting up only when you need to for baby checks and all the rest of it. Once you both look at the relationship objectively, you may not want to be together. Or maybe you will, but you'll both be in a different place emotionally and you'll be able to work on it.

    Fortunately, I've not read your old thread and therefore there'll be no flaming from me. Well done for seeking counselling btw but things won't get better overnight.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know...my head keeps saying stay away, and believe it or not I'd just started to accept we were never going to get back together and then he goes and says he does still have feelings, and does still want to get back together "eventually". It's the eventually part that got me. I asked if it's be like, 6 months and then he'd come along and say he wanted me back - and he said it wouldn't be that long, but it still feels like he's stringing me along.

    Of course a part of me wants to trust him, but to be honest I'm not entirely sure whether I want us to get back together anymore. If we do meet on Thursday that's what I'd say; surely it couldn't hurt just to stay friends?

    At least for now. I really don't see why we have to stay away from each other completely, especially as he says he misses me, I miss him AND we have a baby together which rightly or wrongly, was planned and is very much wanted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    .
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    1983 wrote: »
    Get an abortion/adoption papers signed up or something because this baby is going to be such a burden and I would be ASHAMED to have that prat as my Father if he treated my Mother like that. PLEASE do the right thing. Stop making excuses..
    I agree with this, seen it happen to Friends and I know you won't admit it now but I pretty much bet your hoping this baby will eventually get you back together!! Don't use the baby, not fair on anyone involved especially the little one who hasn't had a choice as to who its mum n dad are!!
    You're going to end up a single mum, the writings already on the wall I reckon, you just need to realise this yourself before its too late!
    Get an abortion or an adoption sorted as 1983 said, if then down the line you sort things out with this lad then plan for a baby, you shouldn't bring a kid into this world with all this mess sorrounding your life.
    I believe hes just stringing you along anyway, he's saying he'll get back with you "eventually", shouldn't laugh but hehe at you believing this, all that means is "For the time being I want to fuck about and then if nowt better comes along I might get back woth you", I might be wrong but thats how I translate that.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    ShyBoy wrote: »
    What I would say, is that maybe the situation between you and your ex is too complicated now to resolve? Just leave it now. Concentrate on you, and your baby. If he wants to have input as the baby's father then that is fine, but as the father and not as your boyfriend. The next few years I expect will be the most lifechanging years you'll ever have, and it's better you have a clear head and get your priorities sorted now before you've got the child and are falling out with your ex every week.
    Best of luck,

    :yes: and :yes:

    I really think you've got nothing to lose by writing to our relationships advisors at askTheSite if you haven't already. It does sound like the situation has got very complicated and blurry and some non-judgemental practical support could be just what you need right now.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you planned this baby??? :eek2: tbh it looks like you got pregnant in hope that a baby will resolve things.

    And it's all well him saying he wants to see the baby etc, but i think it'll either make things worse - or he'll turn round as soon as it's born and say he doesn't want anything to do with it. I really don't think you're in a good position to be bringing a child into the world right now.
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