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dealing with suicide

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
my fiances brother hung himself in 2005. there was no real answer to it and obviously it caused a lot of upset.
since all this happened things have went wrong and i dont recognise my fiance sometimes. we will argue and he will disapear and say that he is away and im never going to see him again and cause huge upset and then come back and say he is sorry and he doesnt know why he did it. or he gets in a rage and is aggressive. i have been with him nearly 10 years and he was never like this, he was always so laid back.
basically its killing our relationship. things went mental last night for basically nothing and i dont know what to do any more. to me this is make or break time and we are meant to marry in september.
we had an awful year in 2005. his brother killed himself then 2 months later my uncle died of cancer and then shortly after my fiance was made redundant just before christmas. it was a strain on everyone but he was just like "dont worry"
i dont think he grieved properly for his brother. it took him 3 days to react to it and then the night before his funeral when he viewed the body he came back in a terrible state crying and then that was it. funeral done life on as normal. to me he has just locked it away and hopes it will stay away. i have always said to him with bad situations that i might cry and cry for a few weeks but i get it out my system and i do.
one night in the pub he started to talk about his brother and how they would never know what happen and then seconds later he was like "i dont want to talk about it" but i think he did although i left it at that.
i dont know what to do but i cant take much more and im on the verge of leaving him. maybe im making excuses for him. i think he needs to see a doctor but he wont go. what do i do to help him and myself??


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i reckon grief is one of the hardest things to ever come to terms with. the only thing you can do is to be there for him. i know it puts a huge strain on the relationship but you can see it through if you're willing to stick at it. if he doesn't want to talk it through with anyone / see his GP then thats up to him. he will talk about it when he is ready... even if thats 5 years down the line.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i agree with all you are saying but i cant take much more. we have been together almost 10 years and been through some horrible things and now over stupid stuff he goes mental. last night he was like a maniac. its breaking my heart and he texted me and asked why was he so fucked up?
    he had not seen his brother in a while but not from a fight just through life circumstances but to me that does not make it any less painful. my uncle that died of cancer i had not seen in ten years through family fall out. we were there at the end and it broke me apart despite not seeing him in that time so i cant imagine how my fiance must have felt but he locks it all away, just pretends its done and dusted.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My dad commited suicide about 6/7 years ago now. I didn't deal with it at the time either not really. I finally went and saw a councillor about 4 years ago. I wasn't ready to talk before that.
    The only thing you can do is tell him how much it's bothering you and that you really think he should try and talk to someone about how he feels.
    The unanswered questions will never really go away, but he will learn to cope with it alot better if he just gets the help.
    I say tell him how serious this is and that you aren't sure you can deal with it much longer if he refuses to get help.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think your fiance would benefit from professional help. I've been through a lot of tragedy, with all sorts of members of my family dying, or attempting to die, on me. It takes a long time to get over it - it's not so disimilar to when you're utterly broken hearted, there's nothing you can do to speed it up and it's agony. And, men more often than women, don't like to be seen to be 'soft'. I know at the funerals I've been to me and my brothers try not to cry because we worry everyone else will!

    It does get better eventually though. But if he's struggling to cope with it after a year then getting some help so he can deal with it day to day is the sensible course of action imo.

    Best of luck,
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    he wont come out and say his brothers suicide is the problem. he just says he doesnt know whats wrong but everything has changed since his brother died. im gutted with it all. i love him so much but we are coming to the ned of the line.

    thanks for the replies.
    did your behaviour change when your dad died?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Definately needs to see a proffessional. A lot of people try to hide the emotions by bottling them up but it's evident in the way they act.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    wee wuman wrote: »
    did your behaviour change when your dad died?

    Over time yes, i was very angry and confused. I am not anymore though since councilling.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    you know what happened to my fiance brother blew me away. it was such a confusing time for me and cause me a lot of pain so how my fiance felt i will never know, it was his brother. he locks everything away and i mean everything and kids on that life is normal. i wish he would just do what i do and just cry and let it out but i know everyone is different.
  • +Kirsten++Kirsten+ ********* Posts: 49

    It sounds like you and your fiance are experiencing an incredibly difficult point in your relationship, and you're confused about where to go from here. You want to support him through this, and also let him know how it's affecting you.

    As others have suggested, people respond very differently to a suicide of a loved one, and it can take years to understand how to cope. Talking to a professional counsellor now or in the future may very well be helpful for your fiance - and he can decide himself when, or whether, he might take this up.

    In the meantime, if you'd like to talk to someone about how you are feeling you might call SupportLine on 020 8554 9004 to talk to someone in complete confidence. Or, you might like to email one of our Relationships Advisors on our askTheSite service.

    All my best.
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