So I went on a date last night...

Comments

• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  *shrug* Maybe you just don't fancy people very often, which is a good thing really. Crushes can be distractions.

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  -[MoonRat]- wrote:

  *shrug* Maybe you just don't fancy people very often, which is a good thing really. Crushes can be distractions.

  
  Not when you're actively searching for one ...
  
  I guess you've been nothing more than unfortunate. You can't force a spark which isn't there. All I can say is go with your feeling. I guess it's a good thing though, in that aspect. I either get very elated if it works out or very depressed if not. I'm better at focusing when I'm devoid of any emotional distraction, really.

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  Either you're unlucky or you're not ready.
  
  There isn't really much else to it. Not liking anyone is often a defence mechanism against rejection and hurt, but that doesn't mean that's the case this time.

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  you've only been out with her once
  
  not everyone feels a "spark" right away, for some people, it can take time....why not go out with them more than once before you decide?

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  sounds as if im in the same sort of situation as you
  
  over the last few months ive met numerous guys - several of which ive gone on dates with and are reeally nice blokes - yet.. im always left with cold feet..
  
  generally ill get on with someone really well and we'll have loooads in common, but i never usually follow up with it, even if the bloke in question wants to because i just dont ' like him like that'
  
  i really think im too picky. but i cant help it!!
  
  sooo yeah.. i know how youre feeling!! annoying int it?! cant wait until i eventually meet someone thats 'right'. cant see that happening in the near future tho

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  soraliah wrote:

  sooo yeah.. i know how youre feeling!! annoying int it?! cant wait until i eventually meet someone thats 'right'. cant see that happening in the near future tho

  
  This is the fear though. What if I never do meet anyone who's right? What if I already met the right person but I refused a second date because she had an annoying laugh or because she talked about Coronation Street all night?! Everytime I say to myself "Yeah the next one I meet will be the right one" but as i've said that the last god knows how many times, it seems unlikely!
  
  Thanks for everyone's input anyway. Kermit, I had already thought about your theory as maybe being my problem. I have been hurt in the past and had bad experiences etc, but as I said, there have been a couple of girls who I would have given anything for (Just didn't happen to work out these times), so that kinda messes up the idea that I'm not ready to be with anyone. I don't know. Maybe I really haven't met the right person yet.
  
  It's funny - I have a mate who would say "Make sure you sleep with them before you let them go"! but i'm not even into that. Just can't be bothered with the situation it might cause and I don't wanna hurt anyone...

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  Your just too damn fussy

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  LacyMay wrote:

  Your just too damn fussy

  
  It's because i'm saving myself for you...

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  LeicesterLuke wrote:

  It's because i'm saving myself for you...

  
  Thats like being the opposite of fussy

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  You can't force yourself to fancy someone but you have to give them a chance. People can grow on you.
  
  When you start seeing someone you start to notice things you may not have done before, like their long eyelashes or soft skin. It takes time to notice and have feelings build up.
  
  I think if you get on with a person, have a laugh with them and do not find them unattractive, you have to give it a go at least.
  
  I've been out with guys I didn't find gorgeous at first but once I spent time with them I saw another side of them and started to find them really attractive.

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  LacyMay wrote:

  Thats like being the opposite of fussy

  
  Lol, you said it - not anyone else...!

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  PussyKatty wrote:

  You can't force yourself to fancy someone but you have to give them a chance. People can grow on you.
  
  When you start seeing someone you start to notice things you may not have done before, like their long eyelashes or soft skin. It takes time to notice and have feelings build up.
  
  I think if you get on with a person, have a laugh with them and do not find them unattractive, you have to give it a go at least.
  
  I've been out with guys I didn't find gorgeous at first but once I spent time with them I saw another side of them and started to find them really attractive.

  
  Thanks. Yeah maybe I will go out with her again. I don't know. I have to think about it...

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  Seems pretty normal to me. I mean some people are on your wavelength and some people aren't. I have a lot of friends, but I've only got a few that I would say really get me and are the type of people where you could put us in an empty room and we'd still have a laugh, and it's kinda the same with girls. I think the whole dating process can often ruin it as well, because there's a kinda pressure on you. The girls I've felt the strongest about have been the girls I've known as friends for a while, built up a bit of a spark by flirting, taking the piss, and generally having a laugh with them, then realised that I like them more. I think some people are really good at doing this quite quickly, and so they're more likely to feel a spark with more people, and are probably better at the whole dating thing. It might be a case of trying to be more outgoing with new girls when you first meet them and on dates. I think the more introvert you and/or the girl is, the more time it will take you to figure out whether you get each other. If you both put your personality out there from the off, you're more likely to know whether you're compatible. Easier said than done, I know.

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  I find "dating" and dates themselves to be a really unnatural and convoluted environment, I've never had anything signifigant with a bloke I've been on a date with - they could be Prince Charming and I would never know it because I just can't seem to click with anyone that way.
  
  Obviously you mightn't be the same way as I am - and might even enjoy the whole one-on-one time at the start - but I find it a lot of pressure to decide whether you like them, whether it's going anywhere, whether you're going to kiss them, whether you're going to see them again. I think it's very understandable for all that to put people off the other person, or make them a bit skittish and scared as you feel like you have to make this big decision about whether or not to see them again and once you have you start to feel like you have to see them again and again and if you decide you don't like them you're becoming more and more at risk of hurting them. If that makes sense. It's a very loaded situation, and I think it's very difficult to feel those natural, growing feelings of attraction when you're actually out with someone and that is the intention of the whole she-bang.
  
  There is also the distinct possibility - as mentioned before - that you're just not ready, or alternatively just that none of these ladies have been the one to float your boat. That's not terribly weird or anything like that, some people are just a lot pickier than others. You've got all the time in the world to find someone really special... there's no harm in dating, seeing if something develops from spending time together, as long as you both know the craic

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  Thanks guys. Between you both, somewhere in your posts, I believe you may have got to the core of this. I've just thought back to the two or three girls I've actually been with and wanted in the last year or two and they all have one thing in common. They were friends of friends. I was introduced to them while I was out with mates, I was at ease because I was with my mates and so I could just make friends with these girls and take it from there - no pressure. Whereas with this current girl for example, it's all been my own work, chat her up myself, ask her out myself, going out just the two of us etc and it's a totally different situation. It's not that I'm bad at the dating thing - actually I think I did pretty well the other night, no awkward silences, a bit of flirting etc.. but i'm starting to think maybe I need to know someone to some degree as a friend first, so that I can build up an attraction, and I know the person well enough to know what I'm gonna get - very different from going on a couple of dates and trying to force an attraction and trying to guess what she might be like. Yeah, I think that might be the answer...

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. Plus I think that if you let the attraction build up with someone before you actually ever make a move, then when you do have your first date with them, it's comfortable, it's easy, and things like your first kiss come naturally, rather than as some sort of formality, and there's a real spark there when they do. I mean kissing someone on a first date is fun, but it's nothing compared to kissing someone when you've fancied each other for ages. The only problem with this approach is if you find out that the feelings are only one way. But then that's the risk you have to take.

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• Former Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

  January 2007

  I'm With Stupid wrote:

  Yeah, that's what I was trying to say. Plus I think that if you let the attraction build up with someone before you actually ever make a move, then when you do have your first date with them, it's comfortable, it's easy, and things like your first kiss come naturally, rather than as some sort of formality, and there's a real spark there when they do. I mean kissing someone on a first date is fun, but it's nothing compared to kissing someone when you've fancied each other for ages. The only problem with this approach is if you find out that the feelings are only one way. But then that's the risk you have to take.

  
  Yeah this is it. And yeah there is that risk - but it's something everyone has to deal with now and again. You gotta be in it to win it...! :thumb:

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