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Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
So, i've known this boy since i was 13-14 and he was 16-17 and i really liked him then, but obviously he wasn't interested as i was underage and young. he got in a long term relationship and i got in one too when i was 16, but i didn't forget him.
When i was 17 me and my boyfriend broke up over something small (as we are prone to do) and i slept with this boy (i'll call him Heathcliff!), he was still with his girlfriend then (who he'd been with for 3 years) but he broke up with her a few days later.
We saw each other sporadically for a few months after that and I liked him ALOT but felt he was messing me about, he eventually just stopped answering my calls and texts and I got back with my boyfriend.
He popped up again a few months later with a new girlfriend and announced they were off travelling together but he hadn't forgotten me.
Then, last year he came back from his travels, broke up with his girlfriend, and said he wanted to see me. We had a fun day together and ended up kissing at the end of it. He called me a few times after that but I was still with my boyfriend.
Then, a few months later, he pops up again, we go out together again, have a fun day again, and i stay at his, and we kiss and stuff again... but i stop it before it gets too heavy cos of my boyfriend.
Few weeks later, im at a club near his house, feel really drunk and phone him and ask if i can sleep on his floor, he says yes and i do sleep on his floor, nothing happens and we have a laugh. he starts texting me lots after this, and then one day i switch my phone on in the morning and theres a message saying 'I think i love you'.
things get a bit wierd after this, and i convince him to meet me for a drink, as i dont wanna loose his friendship. it's lovely as always, although a bit awkward, but after a few drinks he walks me back to where i need to go, and some stupid part of me kisses him. we kiss for ages and then i run off and jump on the train. and go home to my boyfriend.
the next week i see him again, determined not to do anything wrong, but realise i really like him (and get blind drunk). end up crashing at his, stuff happens which i stop, things get very uncomfortable for everyone, and we end up having the king of all text rows over the next few days.
a lot of 'well you cant expect me to wait around for you to dump your boyfriend' and so on and so forth...
make friends again over christmas and have a lot of nice chats over the phone, while my relationship with my boyfriend seems to get very dodgy, but i feel i value it more and start to realise what i could have lost whilst messing around with HEATHCLIFF.
then last week i saw him in a club when i was out with my friend and him and his friend came and hung out with us all night. got very drunk and had a good time, then he kissed me with no warning. starts telling me how much he likes me and stuff. get all caught up in the moment, go back to his, sleep with him, feel totally loved up about him.
come home, feel totally tortured about what to do now, honestly feel like i love two different men. and HEATHCLIFF isn't speaking to me. normally he texts me all the time, he hasn't text me once. i phoned him yesterday and he was horrible and moody and said he was sick of my mind games.
i feel like i can't bear to not be speaking to him, how can he bear it?
sorry that was melodramatic. but is he evil? or just confused?
please be kind, i'm not an idiot at all, just got myself in a rubbish situation.
When i was 17 me and my boyfriend broke up over something small (as we are prone to do) and i slept with this boy (i'll call him Heathcliff!), he was still with his girlfriend then (who he'd been with for 3 years) but he broke up with her a few days later.
We saw each other sporadically for a few months after that and I liked him ALOT but felt he was messing me about, he eventually just stopped answering my calls and texts and I got back with my boyfriend.
He popped up again a few months later with a new girlfriend and announced they were off travelling together but he hadn't forgotten me.
Then, last year he came back from his travels, broke up with his girlfriend, and said he wanted to see me. We had a fun day together and ended up kissing at the end of it. He called me a few times after that but I was still with my boyfriend.
Then, a few months later, he pops up again, we go out together again, have a fun day again, and i stay at his, and we kiss and stuff again... but i stop it before it gets too heavy cos of my boyfriend.
Few weeks later, im at a club near his house, feel really drunk and phone him and ask if i can sleep on his floor, he says yes and i do sleep on his floor, nothing happens and we have a laugh. he starts texting me lots after this, and then one day i switch my phone on in the morning and theres a message saying 'I think i love you'.
things get a bit wierd after this, and i convince him to meet me for a drink, as i dont wanna loose his friendship. it's lovely as always, although a bit awkward, but after a few drinks he walks me back to where i need to go, and some stupid part of me kisses him. we kiss for ages and then i run off and jump on the train. and go home to my boyfriend.
the next week i see him again, determined not to do anything wrong, but realise i really like him (and get blind drunk). end up crashing at his, stuff happens which i stop, things get very uncomfortable for everyone, and we end up having the king of all text rows over the next few days.
a lot of 'well you cant expect me to wait around for you to dump your boyfriend' and so on and so forth...
make friends again over christmas and have a lot of nice chats over the phone, while my relationship with my boyfriend seems to get very dodgy, but i feel i value it more and start to realise what i could have lost whilst messing around with HEATHCLIFF.
then last week i saw him in a club when i was out with my friend and him and his friend came and hung out with us all night. got very drunk and had a good time, then he kissed me with no warning. starts telling me how much he likes me and stuff. get all caught up in the moment, go back to his, sleep with him, feel totally loved up about him.
come home, feel totally tortured about what to do now, honestly feel like i love two different men. and HEATHCLIFF isn't speaking to me. normally he texts me all the time, he hasn't text me once. i phoned him yesterday and he was horrible and moody and said he was sick of my mind games.
i feel like i can't bear to not be speaking to him, how can he bear it?
sorry that was melodramatic. but is he evil? or just confused?
please be kind, i'm not an idiot at all, just got myself in a rubbish situation.
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Comments
You can't expect him to let him kiss you and sleep with you and all that jazz and just stick with your boyfriend. That's majorly unfair to your boyfriend AND to him. If you want to be with him, break up with your boyfriend. If you want to be with your boyfriend stop messing with his head.
It might be that I am taking sides with heathcliff, but I think you are at fault. What is it what you want? YOU need to decide. I can perfectly understand that he's zoning out of that now, because he does not need his head to be fucked with and you do that... a lot.
Make up your mind, if you love you boyfriend so much that you don't want to break up with him, then don't, but then grow some balls and keep off of heathcliff, because you are cheating on your boyfriend and treat him really unfair too.
it probably isnt that simple though is it?
He would not have been that persistant, otherwise. He maybe ignored you in the beginning. Thought it was just a fling... Maybe that wasn't his wisest move.
But every action that came later was, while you've been in a steady relationship. IF(!) he should've ignored you then I can fully understand him. He needs to get some space between you, before he loses his mind. That's like the carrot and the stick. You make him hope, waiting for you to break up with your b/f, which won't happen.
I did not say it was easy for you, but you really need to make a choice now, before you terribly hurt two people. Don't let this go on like that, you are hurting him more with wrong hopes, as if you stopped flinging with him.
Make your decision!
This may sound harsh, but your boyfriend deserves better. If I were you I would end it. You're being unfair to both of them. You've got the safety and security of a boyfriend whilst you play mind games with Heathcliff. And you've far gone beyond the borders in my mind of going back to playing happy with your boyfriend. You've cheated on him so many times now, the kindest and moral thing to do would be to take your boyfriend out of this mess. You can't have the best of both worlds. There is no long term relationship with your boyfriend available to you, as you want someone else more, and it's gonna always be like that, till Heathcliff bucks up and buggers off.
You could have something with Heathcliff, but even he's not gonna wait forever. How is a relationship with Heathcliff gonna stand longterm if you persistently cheat on your current bf with Heathcliff. Trust has to be earnt and built and in this situation your just making a mess of your own emotions and other peoples. This isn't just about you. Someone is commited to you and you're using both of them.
My advice : Drop your boyfriend, give yourself some time, then try and pursue something with Heathcliff because otherwise you're gonna hurt boyfriend after boyfriend untill you get Heathcliff. Think of it from your boyfriends perspective, take on how he would feel if he found it, if the roles were reversed.
I did not want to be so hard, but I think (the whole post, I just abbreviated it), that pretty much hits the nail on the head. Did not want to advice to break-up with your boyfriend, because it sounds a bit like a order, but I think this is the most sensible thing to do.
it's not really that easy....
Sadly I cannot order anyone to do anything
I think you're being selfish, you're thinking of the best situation for you. It's not meant to be easy, you've made this hard on yourself. You break up, you move back with family, you move out. You leave them. I know it's hard but you cannot be so completely and utterly in love and disrespect them, the relationship you've built and the life you lead together, by cheating on them. By setting up situations which you knew would lead to more, choosing to draw the line ever further away each time till you slept with the guy. Drink does not justify that, especially seeing as it occured on more than one occassion of drinking.
You can take or leave my advice, I can't force you to do anything. But you're thinking about yourself only, when I think you should look more into the way you could be hurting that other person.
how do you cheat on someone you really love (and live with) ??
***SPOILERS***
You don't.
@Malt_mon: I totally agree with you. I wouldn't have stated so if it wasn't like that. You just worded my sentiments a bit more inyaface-ish.
Attitude problem me!
Well, I have never been cheated on, but I can empathise with your upset-ness.
That's what I used to think. In fact, if you have strong feelings for someone else, but are still in love with the person you're with, it's quite easy to do, it just makes you wish you were dead afterwards.
And I cannot just leave him. I DO love him. I think I'm just a bit messed up. It would totally break my heart to be without him, no matter what I have done.
I think I'm learning life and love isn't as simple as I thought it was.
I really feel I love them both.
Then you need to make a decision. It will be very difficult, but I think if you did stay with your bf, that you'd need to remove temptation. That sounds harsh I know, but whenever you see this guy, you're gonna feel this same way. Is your bf aware of your close friendship?
I'm going to have to break my heart over one of them, at least heathcliff is prepared for it...
if me and him get together, it should be when me and my boyfriend come to a natural end. otherwise i'm still going to be in love with both of them.
I never professed to have morals of a saint, i simply said i really love them both.
all kinds of people can fall in love, not just honest people.
i see where you are coming from, but i don't want them to have a fight, which is what would happen.
i think if you're gonna stay with your boyfriend, then you should keep what's happened hush hush
people may disagree and think that honesty is the best policy, but if you're serious about giving it another go, and remaining faithful, confessing could hinder that
if the shoe was on the other foot, to be perfectly honest, i'd rather not know, i`d rather be blissfully ignorant
i agree with you. honesty is over rated and not always the kindest way to handle things.
and as i said above, i really really don't want this to end in fighting.
boyfriend almost found out about Heathcliff, which pulled Heathcliff back from obscurity and annouced down the phone that he loves me but is leaving the country forever.
But i spoke to him the other day and he said he liked someone else. That kinda helped me to forget him and like my boyfriend more.
Love the boyfriend much more now, but Heathcliff was in the pub i was in the other day and it HURT so much.
I was drunk and on antibiotics and could bearly focus but he made me talk to him and i asked him about the other person and said it made me regret everything and he said there was never another person, he was just trying to hurt me and it clearly worked and then i went back to my friends, and he was standing there with his friends and looking like he was gonna cry. they kept hugging him and stuff and he kept staring over at me.
Then he left without saying goodbye but accidently took my friends coat so i had to go outside to get it and it was HORRID. he asked for a hug and stuff and I nearly started crying and it was like it was over forever... which is scary cos this thing has been going on forever.
but then he told me to come to this club later on if i could so me and my friends did a few hours later but he looked totally wasted and his friend seemed to be trying to keep me away from him and then he went home without saying goodbye again...
I think i must have got really ugly since he last saw me and i now repulse him. I wish he wasn't leaving and he still liked me.
this has damaged my self esteem loads i think... i feel hideous.
one minute you're raving that you love your bf much more then in the next breath u want heathcliff to stay and still like you
i honestly feel sorry for your boyfriend, you're head sounds messed up
and if your self esteem is bad, imagine how your bf's would be if he found out that you spend most of your time pining for another fella
it's make your mind up time, it's not fair for your fella to come 2nd
I have to say, I was your boyfriend.
I was the guy who my girlfriend loved, but something appealing was on the side. She constantly saw him even though she didn't want things to go further - they did. Then she did want them to.
Look, I'm not being nasty, but just break up with your boyfriend and go solo for a bit. Heathcliff isn't majorly interested in you. Don't do this to your boyfriend. Tell him the truth or break up with him.
You're doing more harm than you can possibly imagine. I cant even bring myself to be angry at you, because, you're being so naive. You're umming and ahhing about feeling pretty, whilst playing with real people's feelings. Just go single, then when youve got a better perspective and being a bit more considerate of people's feelings, then maybe you could go into a relationship.
But to put it bluntly, you're playing them both, and it's so unfair. So, incredibly, unfair.
these guys have the ability to get under our skins and mess with our heads without even trying but the way youve been acting isnt fair to your boyfriend as much as it hurts youve got to put heathclif in the past and move on with your life wether you tell your boyfriend about it is up to u but your not the only whos had intense feelings for 2 guys at once you just have to move on it might take along time but u will get over him.
I guess it's not that I want to be with him so desperately, it's just that like you say, he no longer seems interested.
It scares me after 6 years of mutual obbsession that he can so easily discard me and all the love and irrationality that we stand for.
I keep thinking of the times when we were younger than he would hide me in his room from his parents and we would shag and shag all night long. I was his scruffbag secret and I'll always miss him.
How would you feel, if you don't mind me asking, if you found out your boyfriend had been shagging his ex behind your back?
I would DIE.
He's done that to me loads of times, and everytime it hurts so so much.
And I get your point. But I'm not shagging anyone behind his back, that implies it's current, and pre meditated..
WHAT?
ur bf has slept with people behind ur back loads of times?
may i please ask what is the point in this relationship? it seems to be built on lies, cheating and just general crapness!
But you have in fact had sex with another person while you were with your boyfriend? Whether it was pre-meditated or not it still happened.
And ask yourself this: if heathcliff spoke to you and said he wanted to talk, you went for a drink, then he made the moves again, do you really think you'd stop him?
Don't be so quick to assume the worst. I'm tempted to tell you what you want to hear ie. We're only together cos we're scared of being alone, low self esteem, self destructive personalities. etc. etc.
But the truth is the past is past and we've come through some stuff that makes most people hate each other, but we still love each other and understand each other. It may not be built on trust, honesty and general niceness but different strokes for different folks surely?
I think you're being too quick to point the finger and say 'Your relationship is shit', based upon posts on a messageboard.
It's irrelevant what I would do as Heathcliff is leaving the country forever.
But I'd probably stop him, because anything that happens now would be tainted bad and just too complicated.
Maybe if he wasn't leaving me and him would be together, as I'm not sure I'd be able to resist, but he is leaving so I shall resist.
wtf? i never said ur relationship was shit, but if i did think your relationship is shit its because of how YOU are portraying it
the past is in the past huh? sure, thats why you dont want heathcliff to go, thats why you want him to still like you....he's moved on but you dont want him to, doesnt sound like its in the past from where i'm sitting
you have cheated on your fella, you have thoughts about doing it again
he had cheated on you multiple times
doesnt sound like a relationship at all, never mind a great one, sounds like a convenient situation for two people who cant bear to be alone
and i never pointed any fingers and i dont want to "hear" anything, it doesnt arse me, i just asked you a question
you're not resisiting though, you're having nothing more to do with hm because you no longer have a choice, not because you love and respect your fella