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Why do people ...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
ask for advice on these boards and then just spend the next few days bitching about their problems and blaming everyone else, but never actually seem to follow the advice or even make any attempt to help themselves?

Obviously there's one thread in particular that has annoyed me BUT that's not it. As I've sat reading through various different threads tonight, I've noticed this same pattern occurring. It's almost as if they like having something to moan about or someone to blame when things go wrong.

I'm not naming names or having a go here before anyone gets that idea; I'm just interested about people's reasons for coming on here. How many people actually want advice that ask for it? Do most people just want to get things off their chest or hear that other people support the way that they are thinking?
Others I've noticed just seem to want to argue; it doesn't matter what the thread is relating to, they'll find something in there that they don't agree with and will jump straight in with their big feet.

I'm not saying that I'm immune to any of these things either. Like I said, it's just out of interest that I'm asking. And also because certain people are beginning to whine just that little bit too much. :banghead:
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You just need to get used to it. Also, not everyone does it and I hardly notice it until it gets pointed out.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That lies in human nature..

    everyone trusts himself more than others...

    Everyone asks around, in the hope other people share their views and opionions, so they feel affirmed.

    If people disagree with them, they don't want to disavow it.


    I just read the first sentence of your post, sorry :( maybe I'm answering the question nevertheless.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Posts: 16,688 Skive's The Limit
    I imagine they're expecting a "magical" solution, not too different from "Just say abra-katabra and everything will be fine". So when they're told something much more difficult to do, they don't like it and keep waiting for the simpler thing that doesn't exist.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jazza wrote:
    You just need to get used to it. Also, not everyone does it and I hardly notice it until it gets pointed out.
    I've been a member of these boards for about 5 years now and have left numerous times because of it. Each time I come back on I notice that the people are different - cos there's usually been some kind of bust up - but the comments and stuff are just the same.

    I, like many people I imagine, come on here to chat and have a laugh and also because I think that I can help people. It's really demoralising though when you give out your best possible advice - based on experience - and people just have a go. Like I said, it's not just me, I've read loads of threads tonight and it's just a constant thing throughout a lot of them.

    Maybe I'm too old for this shit. I need things to be a bit more black and white and a bit more stable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Because it's a perfectly valid use of a group of friends to look for support, and just because someone gives advice doesn't mean it actually will help or hasn't been tried before.

    Also just because someone has asked for advice doesn't mean they will necessarily feel the need, or should be expected to, explain what has happened afterwards. Indeed in the cases of bad advice they may even not want to explain how it hasn't helped in order to avoid offending the people who gave it.

    I think your viewpoint seems pretty harsh to be honest, I can think of many reasons people want to share problems, even if they may be aware already of the possible solutions.

    And many issues have many different sides to them, there's nothing wrong with people disagreeing with each other - and it doesn't mean that they are doing it deliberately, just that they may have a very different viewpoint.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You also have to realise that people sometimes don't like to hear the truth!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Loopi wrote:
    I need things to be a bit more black and white and a bit more stable.

    Unfortunately, given the issues discussed on this board, thats never going to true. There may be black and white solutions for you - and people may benefit from your experiences - but it doesn't mean it's going to be the solution for everyone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hI'm with you, although I suspect if I went through threads I'd started I'd probably find I've done the same.

    I don't think you're being harsh at all, or too black and white. If I ask for advice then I expect to be given some different ideas, and I expect someone to tell me I'm being a prat. I'd try not to leap down someones throat when they came up with reasonable points even if I don't want to hear them. If I want advice I make it pretty clear, if I'm just after a sounding board (usually in relationships) then I throw in something like 'any thoughts?' rather than outright asking for advice. I've got a pretty good idea of some of the threads you've got in mind and I was having similar thoughts.

    Someone starts a thread, looking for advice, seemingly, but then they completely ignore everything that wasn't their original idea and attack anyone that suggests something different.

    I started coming on here a lot when I was bored out of my mind and basically bed bound, and it's become a habit. I like to think I can help, and it seems not infrequently that I do. I also like a good discussion on P&D until it starts to do my head in.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Threads like this complaining about a 'few select' threads always make me paranoid it's me :(.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jim V wrote:
    Because it's a perfectly valid use of a group of friends to look for support
    Yeah, I get that. That was my reason for posting the other day. I just wanted a bit of sympathy and stuff and it worked. I felt like I wasn't alone and I wasn't isolated.
    Also just because someone has asked for advice doesn't mean they will necessarily feel the need, or should be expected to, explain what has happened afterwards.
    I really don't expect that at all. If I implied that in my post then I did not mean to.
    I think your viewpoint seems pretty harsh to be honest, I can think of many reasons people want to share problems, even if they may be aware already of the possible solutions.
    Maybe that's the problem; people write in such a way that it sounds like they want advice, when really they just need a sounding board. Maybe I just read things wrong.
    And many issues have many different sides to them, there's nothing wrong with people disagreeing with each other - and it doesn't mean that they are doing it deliberately, just that they may have a very different viewpoint.
    Naturally people have different viewpoints. The world would be a very boring place otherwise. Clearly we have different views on this issue in particular although I do think that it's down to me maybe not explaining myself too well.

    Like I said in the first post, I was interested to know why people actually posted. Do they post with the intention of just sounding off or because they actually want advice? Or maybe a mixture of both? This wasn't a thread for people to get angry about and bitchy but to help me understand people's reasons.

    *waves at Jim* - in all the years of me posting on this board it's the first time you've ever responded to one of my posts.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Jazza wrote:
    You also have to realise that people sometimes don't like to hear the truth!

    That can be very true sometimes.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote:
    Threads like this complaining about a 'few select' threads always make me paranoid it's me :(.

    Awwww, come and have a cuddle :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ShyBoy wrote:
    Threads like this complaining about a 'few select' threads always make me paranoid it's me :(.
    It's not a complaint. I'm just interested. Did I not make that clear in the first post? Maybe I need to go back and edit it.

    As for referring to things being black and white, I wasn't talking about solutions - that could never be the case. I meant about people's reasons for posting. Maybe we should make people actually state whether they want advice or just to moan or to just chat or whatever. Joke!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Loopi wrote:
    *waves at Jim* - in all the years of me posting on this board it's the first time you've ever responded to one of my posts.

    And hi to you too :wave:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    RubberSkin wrote:
    Awwww, come and have a cuddle :)

    :) *waddles over penguin style*
    Loopi wrote:
    It's not a complaint. I'm just interested. Did I not make that clear in the first post? Maybe I need to go back and edit it.

    Heh don't worry I was just making a comment off the top of my head, of course I don't take it seriously...




    ...it's me isn't it :(






    ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I s'pose thats just what people are like.

    When I give advice or ideas on something I wouldn't expect people to take it. It's just based on my own experience, and if it helps somebody get a different perspective on something or whatever then it's all good.

    On the odd occasion that I need advice (tonight for example) then I'm really grateful and actually take it up - the link GWST and Jim both posted tonight will actually help me no end :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To bo honest, it's nice to have an impartial opinion sometimes. It's nice to get things off your chest and have a moan. It's nice to have advice from others that may have had similar experiences. It's nice to have advice from people that haven't. It's nice to take advice from others. It's nice to choose to ignore it, too. It's nice to be able to be honest about how your feeling knowing it won't affect those around you. It's nice to come on thesite. HOORAH!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    not me either is it?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    not me either is it?
    Again, it was NOT a dig. I was interested.

    *is beginning to wish she'd never asked* ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think sometimes people are looking for vindication or justification of their actions because alot of the time they know that they are wrong or out of order. For example "Well she's only been on a couple of dates with my mate, do you think it's alright if I try and get in there with her?" and when you say no, they get out of their tree, because they are looking for someone to say it's okay.

    The other big one is when someone is interested in a girl or a boy that they are just never gonna get because you can't force someone to be attracted to you, and they are looking for some sort of miracle answer that will make it happen and when you say "Time to move on" they just don't want to hear it. The truth hurts. I was guilty of this one when I first came here if I remember rightly.

    It can get annoying sometimes, but then, as Jim basically said, the point of thesite is to share your problems and to share your views, and relationships etc are tricky situations and often heart wrenching situations, so it's inevitable that some people aren't going to like the answers that they get...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    not pointing fingers, just wondering. :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To bo honest, it's nice to have an impartial opinion sometimes. It's nice to get things off your chest and have a moan. It's nice to have advice from others that may have had similar experiences. It's nice to have advice from people that haven't. It's nice to take advice from others. It's nice to choose to ignore it, too. It's nice to be able to be honest about how your feeling knowing it won't affect those around you. It's nice to come on thesite. HOORAH!

    We need an applause smiley. You nailed it :thumb:

    I think the boards are quite reflective of the advice we'd also get from family, friends and even professionals, if we always had the courage to ask (and the confidence that anyone would actually care). The difference being on here that once you've bared your soul and your problems you don't feel obligated to act immediately on that advice as you probably would if you'd confided in your sister or best friend or mother or GP. We all probably feel very differently about this, but for me it's very important to be able to blow my whole world open and talk candidly about things even maybe if I'm already fully aware that I won't be acting on the advice or direction of other posters... at least not in the immediate future. That might piss people off - though I would hate to think that - but so be it. It just helps me get things straight in my mind sometimes as posters here do give great advice, especially if [like me] you find it hard to be as completely open in real life situations. People have such myriad experience that it almost seems a waste not to talk about things that affect you or trouble you, as this place is anonymous (or as anonymous as you want it to be) and even if you don't take action as a result of what people tell you, well it still opens your eyes and mind to your options. If that makes sense.

    As for what you're saying about things being black and white in terms of whether people actually want pro-active help or not, well I do understand that. But I don't think I've ever seen even a "rant-style" post on here that didn't definitely still want a response - despite probably even having the tagline "no need to respond, I'm just ranting and raving" or similar. Even if there's nowt productive to add or any reasonable advice to give, it's still good to feel vindicated yourself... and also to validate other people's feelings and emotions about things if you can :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think people should have to come back and justify their decisions, and the power of ranting shouldn't be underestimated, but people who repeatedly come back with the same goddamn problem irritate the hell out of me. The advice isn't going to change, the partner is still a nobhead, so why come back and waste our time some more?
  • **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Kermit wrote:
    so why come back and waste our time some more?

    While I can empathise with your frustration to an extent, I find ^ somewhat bemusing to be honest. I don't see how someone posting on a message board is wasting your time. You're under no obligation to reply to someone's posts if you think you've already said enough on a subject.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fair point, none of us have to "waste our time" here, and some of us to spend a fair amount of time doing what you get paid to do. Though I understand you don't get paid extra to moderate the boards, it is actually your job. Posters like Kermit take time out of their lives to help the people he refers to, so I'd say it was completely accurate to say "waste our time" because the second you start trying to help someone who will only post the same shit next week you've wasted your time. You might not mind the first few times, but after a while it's beyond frustrating, it's a serious investment thrown in your face. I imagine some of us here care more than we should about what happens to people we've never met and would walk past in the street.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    Fair point, none of us have to "waste our time" here, and some of us to spend a fair amount of time doing what you get paid to do. Though I understand you don't get paid extra to moderate the boards, it is actually your job. Posters like Kermit take time out of their lives to help the people he refers to, so I'd say it was completely accurate to say "waste our time" because the second you start trying to help someone who will only post the same shit next week you've wasted your time. You might not mind the first few times, but after a while it's beyond frustrating, it's a serious investment thrown in your face. I imagine some of us here care more than we should about what happens to people we've never met and would walk past in the street.
    Fiend love, I know we don't always see eye to eye but I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think that's what I was getting at. Whilst we all squabble and bicker and have different opinions, at the end of the day, we do care. We do want to help. And yes, sometimes, it can feel like we're wasting our time, and I think that it was that feeling that led me to starting this thread. If only I'd managed to put it that way, maybe it would've stopped people getting paranoid that I was having a dig at them
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    *shrugs* I've got a way with words. Mostly you try not to let it bug you, but you don't always manage it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Fiend_85 wrote:
    *shrugs* I've got a way with words. Mostly you try not to let it bug you, but you don't always manage it.
    And maybe I'm just overly sensitive at the moment, eh? Maybe I want to help because in a selfish way, it makes me feel useful, and when people don't take my advice or don't agree, it can be demoralising. Maybe I just need a break from the boards!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    People take breaks all the time. Just walk away for a week, or month, or three months, get normal again, then it doesn't seem to matter as much.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If I'm honest I don't really have anyone who I can ask for advice. Some of the things are very personal and I'm just the kind of guy who doesn't want to have embarrassing talks with his mother. The friends I have would feel awkward if I talked about certain issues .. In the past, I've felt so much better with advice from the boards. I use these boards for two reasons:
    1) I really need advice in many cases because I don't trust my inner voice and it's good to get another perspective.
    2) It really helps when I get to see peoples' reactions. Sometimes I have days, maybe weeks on my own and it becomes very lonely if the only thing I do is ponder the same issue over and over again (Christmas holidays got like this :( now I'm running around all day :)).

    I usually feel loads better after hearing peoples' advice, and perhaps even sympathy if I'm lucky ;) - even if I haven't found a solution. I think number 2 is as important as 1, at least to me, because I feel better after posting on here. That's why I've stayed here for such a long time. It keeps me going through rough times
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