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Relationship Advice.

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi there. I am new to this message board and I thought I'd start by saying hello. :wave:

This is an unusual situation for me, but I felt that some impartial, anonymous advice would be best in my current situation. I am not used to this sort of thing so please bare with me and thank you for any input and advice you'd like to give. :)

I met my current girlfriend around 3 years ago. Long story short I think she is the girl I will marry. But I just found out that ever since I met her, she has been going behind my back with numerous guys (Though she only admits 3 to me, one of which is ongoing currently). I found out when she asked me to take a look at her computer and while backing up a lot of her folders and files, file names in the little transfer window thing like "me and XXX" and "me and xxx nude" kept popping up (which in turn encouraged me to open the folders and look around). I feel so terrible because I completely invaded her privacy when I did that, and she was angry at me because of that (and rightly so).

I don't know what to do. I asked her why she felt the need to do this but she won't give me a straight reason. I don't think it would help me come to terms with it anyway.

I love her so much. I have even considered getting an engagement ring a few times for her. But I am not sure what to do. She said she loves me so much and can't bare to let me go, but if she has to choose between me and her current "other" guy, she will choose him, and never speak to me again.

I don't mean to sound lame or anything but I am so heartbroken, I don't know what to do and I miss her so much (she is there now). I have always treated her so well I think (and by her own words), and she is WAY out of my league in terms of looks and stuff, but she never made an issue out of it. I thought it was because she liked me for me, which I believe still I guess. But I think I am too boring for her or something (or whatever the reason is that she is with him now). I wish I knew what it was but I can't get her to tell me (so in turn I could be more like that for her).

She always makes me feel special, like I could do anything or something (again lame I know), but the thought of her with this other guy is killing me.

I guess what I am asking is has anyone been in a similar situation here? And if so, if you got your girl/guy back, how did you do it? I am meeting with her tomorrow to talk more so I will hopefully find out what I can do to be better for her.

I apppreciate the time you have taken to read this and thanks for any advice.

Cheers.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess what I am asking is has anyone been in a similar situation here? And if so, if you got your girl/guy back, how did you do it? I am meeting with her tomorrow to talk more so I will hopefully find out what I can do to be better for her.

    I apppreciate the time you have taken to read this and thanks for any advice.

    Cheers.
    Any advice? Yeah, make her grovel to you if she wants you back. Find out what you can do to be better for her? Fucking hell, what's the matter with you? If you're pretty sure you've been the perfect boyfriend to her, then you probably have, and she's taken you for a mug. Do you really see yourself marrying someone who has admitted that if she was forced to choose between you and someone else, she'd choose someone else? Sounds like you already started the relationship feeling that you're inferior to her, and don't deserve her for some reason. You may feel that she is out of your league looks-wise, but from the sounds of it, you're the one that's out of her league personality-wise. Not only has she cheated on you several times (possibly more), she's also somehow made you feel like it's your fault. Well it isn't. It's your fault that she's been allowed to carry on doing it and get away with it. Issue her an ultimatum, threaten to leave her if she does it again (and stick to it). Because currently she is walking all over you, and has shown that she doesn't have the slightest bit of respect for you.

    Oh, and welcome to The Site.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is a very honest answer, so read with caution.

    Currently in similar situation. Found out about it in same kinda way. It's true, it's a violation of privacy but frankly, the fact that something was found, makes me not give a bullfrog.

    If she loves you as much as she says she does she firstly wouldn't have done it in the first place, or at least not when things got really serious. And she wouldn't be saying she'd go be with the other guy, she'd wanna work on the trust issues - her with others guys, and you invading her privacy.

    You shouldn't change who you are for anyone, let alone someone who would hurt you that way. And while you may consider her to be out of your league in terms of "looks and stuff", by the sounds of it, she's way out of your league where it counts.

    As for what to do: if you wanna be with her and work things out, talk to her, say what you want i.e. she stop with the other guys, and what she wants.

    I hope this has been somewhat useful, thinking about it, probably not what you were looking for. Sorry for being a bit blunt.

    Hope things work out for you x

    Edit: Having just read I'm With Stupid's reply, I don't feel like I've been blunt at all!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You are letting her walk all over you. She doesn't deserve to be your wife. What she does deserve is to get STDs from the others. It's hard to hear, but you deserve better than someone who will cheat on you continuosly, and who will tell you bluntly, that she'd chose him over you.

    It's terrible, but deliever the ultimatum. And if she does come back to you, it will be very hard for you to trust her again, so it may not be worth it. Why are you even accepting the fact that shes there now? Pick up your balls and dignity and deliever it to her. You deserve so much more.

    xox
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    My advice is to think seriously about who it is that you love. Do you love the person you thought she was these last three years, or do you love the girl who goes with other guys behind your back? Because the fact is that you've found out about her infidelities and she's not even sorry, she's not said she'll try and change, but I think you're clinging onto the hope that you can turn her around. Truth is that no-one can change anyone who doesn't want to change. So if you're happy to be with her and play second fiddle to her other bloke, but all means stay with her. But personally I know what I'd be doing - I'd tell her she doesn't even need to choose between me and the other guy because I've just made the choice for her. For someone to treat their partner like she has treated you is completely unacceptable and makes me very angry, especially as in your case you seem so loving and deserving of a really nice girl who loves you with her whole heart.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    For starters - as far as i'm concerned, I don't think you should feel guilty for invading her privacy. Let's be honest - if you love someone and you honestly suspect that they might be cheating on you - and in your circumstance I don't think it was paranoia - what right do they have to claim that you've invaded their privacy? In truth, they should be the ones feeling guilty for violating your trust and taking your love for granted.
    If I were you I would think very carefully about the situation. Regardless of how much you love her - and from what I read you seem like a very sincere and decent chap - it seems to me that she certainly doesn't hold your relationship in the same high regard as you. You certainly shouldn't get hung up on this 'leagues' concept. Don't take this too offensively - I think you are lacking in self-confidence and because you believe yourself to be unworthy, you are allowing her to treat you exactly as she likes. This really isn't fair on you.
    She is talking utter RUBBISH. If she loves you and couldn't bear to let you go, she wouldn't be saying that given the choice between you and this other guy, she would choose him.
    I think that you need to consider what you want. If you're happy to be with her but allow her to be with this other guy - then continue to be with her. If you want her to be with you and be faithful - you need to be firm with her. Believe in yourself. There is someone out there who loves you and who will always be faithful to you and if she says that she can't be with you and not keep seeing the other guy - then it's not her.
    Personally, if it was me, I would be telling her where to go. It's beating on your own confidence as it is to keep thinking that you're doing something wrong, when in truth she sounds to me like a total bitch who really doesn't deserve you. You deserve someone who is willing to give you the whole of her heart and love you as much as you love them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So shes not only a slag but shes also dumb, nice combo. Fuck her off mate, pronto!
    Dont give her any second chances, dont give her any sympathy or anything. All she deserves is a kick in the teeth.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't even know where to begin with your post.

    Why would you even want her back? Shes fucked you about and left you heartbroken, yet your still going to see her and try and convince her that your the one she should be with.

    Do you have any self respect at all?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi again.

    Firstly thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post. I really appreciate it.

    It seems like the overwhelming majority of you are saying what I already know I guess. But its hard. I mean anytime I think of her I am thinking of my girl, not what she has "become", or something.

    She didn't turn up today, and sent me a text to say she had slept in and will come around to my house tonight to talk. For some reason I'm really nervous. It's like I don't know what to say or something.

    I guess you don't get to choose who you love right?

    Thanks for your time folks.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It doesn't seem like she's become anything, more like you have discovered the real her.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    VinylVicky wrote:
    It doesn't seem like she's become anything, more like you have discovered the real her.

    True, he just said she'd been shaggin about like over time. Shes not turned into anything, he's just found her out!

    To be honest you sound like a doormat, that is so not attractive.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I mean anytime I think of her I am thinking of my girl, not what she has "become", or something.

    It will take time to adjust to the fact that "your girl" doesn't exist, and it will be very hard to be apart from her before you've properly come to terms with it. But give it time to sink in - this could take weeks or even months - and you'll realise that leaving her is the right thing to do.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It seems like you want to keep her just because life without her is scary...?
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