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So depressed...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi everyone.
I'm not sure whether this is the right forum, and I apologise for writing this as it's probably very boring and angsty, but I'm just feeling so, so low at the moment and I thought this might be the best place to come. It's sometimes nice to feel that people are listening to you, even if that's not the case.

A little background: A couple of years ago my dad died very unexpectedly... I was okay (as okay as you can be at a time like that) for a while, but after 9 or so months I started feeling 'blue' all the time and a couple of months later - having been forced to go - I was diagnosed with clinical depression by my doctor. This knocked me back a huge amount, and I became even more depressed, reclusive and actually pretty ill physically.
Unfortunately the time when I was diagnosed was also the start of my GCSE year, and basically I missed the first few months of the school year. I tried very hard to get back into school, but the depression was taking it's toll on me and I could barely get in for one day a week at the most. Thanks to a lot of help from the school and some medication I managed to get back on a very much reduced timetable - which would have been enough to get me my all important exam results. However after a further few weeks I "relapsed", the medication stopped being beneficial and I went back to missing weeks at a time.

Fast forward a few months, and whilst everyone else was taking their exams, I was sat at home, with very little hope for the future. However a female acquaintance of mine heard about my situation, got in touch and we started a really great email correspondence. She helped and encouraged me to apply for a place at College regardless of the fact I had no exam results, and I got it based upon "past academic performance"
I became very good friends with the girl, and this carried on for a fantastic few months.
But on Christmas day last year I received an email from her which (although I didn't know it at the time) would be the last time I ever heard from her. I swear I must have emailed her a dozen times in two weeks asking what was going on, but with nothing. I went back to College after Christmas expecting to here something like "I was having problems with my PC" but instead I was ignored. Completely blanked. This eventually threw me back into a depression that I thought I had gotten rid of... I didn't know what was going on, and I again started to miss days of school.
Eventually I found out that my friends boyfriend had read some of our email conversations and gotten completely the wrong idea about us...

So here I am now. I've tried for 3/4 of a year to get back in touch with her but with no luck. I don't know how to explain it, but she was my one hope in all of this. I struggled to get through 3 months of college just because she said she believed in me and there's so much more that I wont bore you with...

Anyway, thats enough pathetic rambling... I just can't express the state of my life at the moment.
I mean, I have no friends anymore - The last time I properly spoke to a person outside of my family was 6 months ago and not for lack of trying, it takes all my effort just to get up in the morning, and on the occasions that I do "get up" I spend most of the day sat at a computer. I haven't even been outside in two weeks... This 'illness' is crippling. My life has no purpose, and I can't express how sick I am of it. I've tried 3 different types of medication, heard endless prattle from so called "experts" but none of it has done any good.
I actually have been thinking about suicide increasingly, recently. Thinking how I might go about it, and the aftereffects from doing it - but during all that thinking I honestly could not find one single reason why I shouldn't do it. I have noone that I'd be leaving behind and no future. I've even emailed the Samaritans, but that was utterly hopeless - all I got was a few lines of "We're sorry to hear about that, let us know if you need anything else"
My College was nice enough to say I could start College again, but if I don't go on Monday then that will be it. I'll have gone from an A grade student to a failure with no qualifications.

Is it even worth my being alive? <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt;


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hi. *hugs*. i really am so so sorry to hear what you've been through. unfortunaltley it does sound pretty familiar... <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">.

    i don't really know what i can say to make you feel any better, like many others i wish i could just wipe your pain away. my email is in my profile in case you ever want anyone to talk to <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">.

    i'm not sure what medications you have been on, but you said you've only tried three, but as there are HUNDREDS of antidepressents etc out there, i'm pretty sure you will find one that works for you. do you have any kind of counselor or therapist? i found that they helped out quite a bit, just to give someone to talk to and cry it all out to and stuff.

    i really would not recommend suicide to you. it wont answer anything for you. only the other day a guy threw himself off the roof of Kwiksave, and you wouldnt believe the after affects. i pity the poor guy who found the body. just think of your family? think about how bad you felt when you lost your dad, imagine what it would be like for the rest of your family to lose another member?

    the only thing that has really been keeping my mind from suicide right now is exerps from the marilyn manson book, where he says at one point he was ---><--- this close to suicide, but the only reason he didnt was because he didnt want to let all the other bastards out there know that they had one. so i'll say the same thing to you. you must be real strong to have got this far, and you can kepe going. just think of how this illness is beatable, and dont let the bastard grind ya down.

    i'd like to be able to help and to get to know you better, there are other threads in this forum about depression, and welcome to thesite dude <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    take care of yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know you probably have heard this before but i have been there, my dad commited suicide about 2 years ago. At the time i was very strong for my mum, i didnt want the same to happen to her so i kept her going. i did greive but not enough. a year later i got really ill & the main reason was depression, i eventually got help i was given anti depressents & counciling. The tablets made me worse for a while until i got used to them. But there must be some out there that can help you. I would recommend finding some that suit you as they will help you cope with it.
    Like someone else said, have you had counciling? It does help having someone outside the family to talk to. I havent really got anyone i could call a close friend either so try & talk to someone.
    There is a light at the end of the tunnel, dont do anything to ham yourself. There are people that care. Dont put yourself or them through it.
    Be determined, i know its hard especially the way you are feeling, but just hang in there & try & go back to your doctor to try something else.
    Please feel free to email me anytime you want to talk or just get something off you chest. Just remember what i said you are not alone!!
    take care of yourself

    email: [email protected]
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    Most of what I was going to say has been mentioned-from the few brushes that I have had with depression I have found that it is like a weight being lifted off my shoulders when I can just talk to my counsellor about the way that I feel.

    I think the thing to remember is that depression is like a roughly-cut, super-adhesive plaster that our minds use to cover the really deep wounds. In a sense it does protect us from the worst of the pain but after a while IT becomes the thing that is holding us back. The nothingness and hopelessness that you feel doesn't mean that there is nothing worth working for or living for. It means that the depression is no longer serving its purpose and that you are ready to let out and work through some of the deeper pain. It does take strength and courage, but you *do* have it in you, you just need to belive that there is an end to the depression.

    Don't give up now; there is so much that you can do if you give yourself the chance to get through this.

    I haven't been here long but I know that you have come to the right place-the people here are great and a lot of them have gone through similar things and can help.
    Please keep in touch and good luck.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    that is absolutley fantastic advice DepRaved. spot on.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Cheers <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi again everyone, sorry it took me a while to reply. First, can I apologise for the length and content of that message. Reading it back, I must've sounded pretty pathetic, and although I am I know people don't want to read about it to the extent I wrote.

    But thank you to Charley, Tweety and DepRaved for your kind words. I can't tell you just how much reading this made me smile, especially since I was expecting to be told "Just cheer up" "Shut up" or something similar.

    I can't remember exactly the names of what I've been on, but one of them was something like 'Seroxat' (?) then there was prozac, and another one. I even tried that St. John's Wort for a while (ironically they were suggested and given to me by the friend I mentioned in my post <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">). To be honest, all of the prescribed medication left me feeling 10 times worse, and I was taken off them by my doctor, who later said it "wasn't prudent" to give me any other meds at any time. And the herbal stuff - well I just didn't get any benefit from them. I was neither better nor worse...

    As for having counselling, oh god, don't talk to me about that. I've had visits from and have been to see countless people, from psychologists to psychiatrists, and counsellors to therapists. I don't wish to seem rude, but they've all (I can count about 10 different people over the course of 2 years) been some of the most patronising people I've ever met, and talking to them has actually left me feeling worse. Like with the medication, I guess I just never got "the one" for me. Maybe I'll give it another try one of these days :/

    I just dont get it. Just now I got an 80 on one of those online depression tests, which is ridiculously high. I WANT to feel better. I've tried pretty much everything I can to make myself feel better, and I'm willing to try anything at all in order to feel better... and yet nothing.
    And I am sooooo goddamn lonely. I cannot express it... waking up in the morning and speaking to noone for the entire day apart from a few words to my mum. It wears you down, particularly after 9 months of doing the same thing. I actually checked one of my very old email accounts the other day, and was reduced to tears reading some of the conversations I had had. They were just normal everyday conversations, but they reminded me of times when people weren't ignoring or abandoning me, and I want that back. But noone will talk to me. I've sent dozens of emails to "friends", phoned a fair few of them up, and I've even been round to a couple of their houses hoping to see them, but NOONE wants to have anything to do with me. It's immensely depressing... and my one beacon of light in this decided that her boyfriends insecurities over their relationship were much more important than any form of friendship we might have had. She was perfectly in her rights to do that, but she swore that she would never "leave me" and that she was always, always there for me... I would do anything to hear from her again.

    And then there's tomorrow... or today as it now is (I'm also an insomniac if you hadn't guessed)
    I know if I don't go then that will be it for me, but the mere thought of stepping into that building, being surrounded by people I don't know, forced to go into lessons when I havent been in a lesson for months, having to explain to people exactly why I should be in Year 2 but am starting Year 1 again and just generally getting through the day, is absolutely horrifying. I'm not well enough to do it - even I can recognise that... In effect I'm saying "I'm not well enough to have a future"
    Ugh, I'm getting into the pathetic thing again, sorry.
    Regarding the suicide thing (And I'm so sorry for your loss Tweety <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">) - I really, really dont want that to be the answer to my troubles. But I cant help thinking it is, no matter how wrong I know that to be. I feel if I die then this curse will be lifted... I wont have to put all my effort into making it through the day, this 'pounding' in my brain will stop. I'm not religious so I have no objections on that front, I'm not close to my family so I doubt they would even batter an eyelid at it, and as I've said; I have no friends, no girlfriend - what would I be leaving behind? Heh, the only thing I can think of is my dog and my other animals, who I love dearly (I'm a wimp)

    Oh dear, I seem to have gone off on one again, and I should at least try to get some sleep, but I'd like to say thank you again to all of you... like I said, it's nice to feel that you're being heard.

    X (not real name <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">)

    P.S - That's a very good analogy Depraved - I will definitely remember that and everything you and the others have said.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There is one thing that you are wrong about. You do have friends. All of us that have replied to your post care about you or we wouldn't have replied.
    You have every right to grieve over the loss of your father. It can take months or even years to find the closure you need to feel secure with your own life. Death is so hard to understand. The loss of someone you love, be it your father's death or a friend's abandonment. You must grieve, it is a part of human nature. You have a lot of issues that need to be resolved. But please, don't do harm to yourself. As I said before, YOU DO HAVE FRIENDS!

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Firstly you didnt sound pathetic & yes we did want to read it as otherwise we wouldnt have bothered.
    I know where you are coming from when you expected to be told to "Just cheer up" "Shut up" or something similar. As unfortunately unless you have been Depressed then most people seem to think that being "a bit down"
    is the same thing. Well its not!!! People try to get you to "snap out of it" Well its not that easy & people going on at you only makes you feel worse......sound familiar???
    As far as counciling goes, im sorry it hasnt helped so far. Like you said maybe you havent found "the right one". But i do really feel that getting the right anti-depressents does help. i was taking Cipramil prescribed by my doctor which really helped me through the worst of it(they do make you feel rough for about 2 weeks but its well worth it after.)
    As for having no-one to speak to....you have us lot, like i said before if you want email me.
    As for friends, like i said before people dont know how to deal with it so they distance themselves as they dont know what to do. You dont need them, you will make new friends in time.
    Your family do care about you & so do others...you just see it at the moment as you are so low.
    As sadamerican said.....
    "There is one thing that you are wrong about. You do have friends. All of us that have replied to your post care about you or we wouldn't have replied."

    Please keep reminding yourself, YOU WILL get through it & it wont always be like this.
    Take care of yourself!

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I was also on Cipramil for about a month and it did do the trick-kicked me out of most of the depression but I would definitely agree that a partnership betw/ the medication and the (right) counsellor is the best cure.

    if in doubt-dance.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    hey. no way did yiu sound pathetic, think i'd have replied if i thought you sounded pathetic? anyway i added you to my msn list so that you can talk if you want, i'm usually online coz i dont have a life <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/wink.gif">. anyway i dont really have anything else to say, other than that i am feeling for you right now. lol, sorry i dont have the patience to sit and write amazingly detailed posts.

    take care, ok? hope college went ok for you <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Originally posted by DepRaved:
    I would definitely agree that a partnership betw/ the medication and the (right) counsellor is the best cure.

    most doctors would agree. i personally agree as well, i think it is the main way forward. even though that contradicts what i think of them sometimes. you gotta give them credit though.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi again everyone, sorry it took me a while to reply.

    I really don't know what I'm going to do now. I didn't manage to get into College on Monday (though I really, really tried), so I don't know what the future will hold for me, or if I have a future at all.
    Thanks to everyone for replying, though.

    Not much to say apart from I think I'm going to get an appointment at the doctor in the near future, based upon what you've all said. He wasn't very helpful last time, I hope this time will be different. Thanks to everyone for helping me make the decision.

    But I just can't help thinking that if my friend would get back in touch with me then everything would be better for me. Even if it was just a few words, that might lift me up a little. She was SUCH a good friend - I don't think she knew just how good a friend she was to me... but now, I mean, I don't know if she's dead or alive, I missed her birthday... 9, nearly 10 months without seeing someone is very hard, and I just feel like crying every time I think of her <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif"&gt; And then there's all my other friends. At some point in time I've explained to them all about my depression, said that I don't expect anything from them, but now they've all gone. I feel such a fool for even considering them my friends in the first place.
    And you're all very kind for saying "Well we're your friends" and I do appreciate that, but (and I don't want to seem haughty) I'm upset about how I have no real life friends - people who I can talk to and do things with. Internet friends are good, though they're usually not as nice as the real thing... Hope you get what I mean... It's just so lonely here. Like I said, I haven't seen any of my "friends" for months. That basically means I haven't had any fun for months, and it's horrible, and I don't see any prospects for making new friends in the near future.
    However I'd love to get to know you all better. I don't really know how I'd fit in around here (Since it appears you're a pretty close-knit community) and I'm worried that you all think I'm insane (I'm not, I'm just depressed <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif">), but whatever.

    Oh, and thanks to everyone who's said I can email/message them. It's nice to know that there are people who are happy to offer their support and stuff. I'm terrible at emailing people, and have no idea how to start a conversation no matter how much I might like to, but it's great to have the option there.
    <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey man, sorry I didn't reply earlier.
    I guess by looking at the time I've posted this, that i shouldn't be up this time really, but I can't sleep cos I'm headfucked.
    I guess I'm writing to tell you that if you want a friend, I'm there (not just for you, for everyone), my MSN/Email is [email protected]

    I'm having trouble with my depression too, it's giving me trouble with college and sometimes I'm so numb I can't even concentrate on the computer screen.

    I'm really sorry that your friend didn't contact you, that must suck <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/frown.gif">. It's horrible feeling lonely, but if you want a friend I'm there. I don't know where abouts your from, I'm from North Wales.

    Anyway, I don't think you're insane, in a way I know how you feel (of course i can't completely understand, just as nobody will completely understand me, I haven't been through a lot of the things you have) I was diagnosed with depression when I was about 15 and I still have it now, although I'm slowly learning to cope. One of the things I always feared was that people would judge me for my illness, maybe some people do, but they're not worth it.

    You say you have trouble starting a convo...I usually start by talking about music or maybe pets, but if you feel uncomfortable with starting and want to talk, just send me an IM or an Email saying "Hi" or something, I'm pretty friendly.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, noone here thinks that you are insane..more than one of us suffers from depression of varying forms. I cut, and Im not the only poster here to do that.

    If you wanna talk, just email me (my email addys up there^). Even if its just a hi, Ill answer, and Im not the only one.

    Net mates arent the same thing as IRL mates, but theyve probably kept me sane and alive this summer.

    Good luck <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;

    It matters not who won or lost, but how you place the blame.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Just a note for people who might have a hard time understanding depression. (those who have never had it perhaps) -
    There's a really good book available called
    'Unquiet mind' By Kay redfield Jamison.
    She's a psychiatrist who suffered from Manic depression for years.
    It's brilliantly written
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Prozac Nation is apparently a good book as well.

    oh and hey X, i tried to talk to you on MSN the other day, are you having net problems or is it just my fucked up excuse of a pc?

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    oh and hey X, i tried to talk to you on MSN the other day, are you having net problems or is it just my fucked up excuse of a pc?
    Hmmm... well BT Internet is officially Hell on Earth, so maybe that could be it. I'll keep a look out for you, anyway <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt; (By the time I am able to think of things to say, most people are usually offline anyway, so it's nice to think that people are trying to send me messages for a change)

    And thanks again to everyone who has replied to this post. I'm actually feeling a lot better about things lately, and I'd probably attribute that to the great advice/people here <IMG alt="image" alt="image" SRC="http://www.thesite.org/ubb/smile.gif"&gt;
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    BT interent hell on earth? lol, tell me about it...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You said that anti-depressants weren't working for you, have you tried tri-cyclic ones? They work differently from thinks like prozac, they might help. I was on them for a while last year and some of this, but they did funny things to my liver so i switched to Prozac which i'm still on and very happy with. All i can say is, nothing is worth killing yourself over - i tried and it's not worth it. Also, please please don't cut yourself cos in the long run, all it leaves you with is dirty great scars all down you, leaving you needing to wear long sleeved t-shirts all year. Really, i know how you feel, and i do empathise, but it will get better, i promise.
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