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Unrequited love/Brother's girlfriend!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
To cut to the chase I am in love with my Brother's girlfriend. And it's killing me!
The three of us live together in the same house. I have been attracted to her since we first met almost 3 years ago. We instantly got on very well and were comfortable with each other from the outset. But then they split up and we were distant up until about a year ago when she moved back in. I did object to this because I knew I fancied her and it might cause a problem, but my Brother ignored my objections (that wasn't the reason I gave though!). This attraction grew into a crush, and I first realised I was in love with her 5 months ago when something dramatic happened (see below). Despite everything that's happened and my strong feelings I have never made any moves on her, out of respect for my Brother. The closest we have got physically is holding hands on a couple of occasions when she was upset, and hugging, almost always initiated by her and almost always when we're drunk. But I feel we are very close emotionally. She tells me pretty much everything and she's said that she feels she can tell me more than any of her other friends. We are each other's best friends.
My Brother is often violent towards her and I have been forced to intervene on two occasions in which I felt her life was in imminent danger. The first time this happened is when I realised I was in love with her. Both times he turned on me when I got involved but I was able to defuse the situation and get him away from both of us. There isn't a night that goes by when I don't hear him shouting at her for no reason.
Now I know it is up to her to leave if she feels like it. I have encouraged her to do so, for her own sake, and so have her other friends. She won't, but I do feel that it is inevitable they will break up at some point. There has been an attitude change with her recently. She is learning that there is more to life than her boyfriend and is starting to make more friends of her own. Until recently all her friends were my Brother's friends. I think I'm the main reason she has been able to do this.
Three weeks ago I told her I love her, when we were both drunk. I had wanted to tell her for so long and I simply couldn't contain it anymore. I know it was inappropriate but I would probably have killed myself at that point otherwise. She responded by saying "I know you do" but said there was something about my Brother that made her stick around, but she wished he was more like me. We agreed we were good friends but she said that nothing could ever happen between us. Although that was difficult for me to hear it was correct, but I still hope she will change her mind when she splits up with him and gets some more perspective. She promised not to tell him but the next morning she went ahead and told him I'd said that. Pretty much everyone knew already but it just looks bad that I actually said it. I don't really know why she told him, but she has done similar things in the past and I should have expected it.
I know it is a cliche but I honestly believe she is the most beautiful, sexiest, funniest and exciting person in the world. I think about her every minute of the day. I see her face when I close my eyes and I dream about her. I haven't had any sexual thoughts about any other women for about 9 months now. I no longer fancy other women. I have had numerous opportunities with other women but have not even thought about taking them. I've had two beautiful single women sleeping in my bed but it didn't cross my mind. I can see if someone else is pretty but I'm unable think about them in a sexual way. And I know that I want to marry her and have kids with her, which is something I've always said I never really wanted. She is by no means perfect, she does have an edge to her personality, but that is what makes her so stimulating. She has changed me as a person and I feel incomplete without her. I feel she is the only one for me.
My Brother doesn't want to marry her or have kids with her, at least not at the moment. He fancies other women including one of her cousins, and has cheated on her at least once, and I suspect twice (with another of her cousins!). That's how I know that I love her and that my Brother doesn't, at least not as much. Some might say he is smart or entitled to not want kids or to marry right now but I believe, based on my own feelings, that if you are truly in love you would. I think 'love' comes on a sliding scale and it's possible to be more in love than someone else. Before I fell in love with her I really didn't understand how powerful and life changing love is. I believe this level of love I have for her must be very rare.
My Brother obviously doesn't like me much at the moment but to be honest I'm not that bothered. I am angry with him as well. He is violent and has a bad temper and I'm not going to tolerate any more violence from him. I told them both I will call the Police next time. He is also extremely arrogant. He said that I am jealous of him and I want his life. I am not jealous of him, I wouldn't want to be him at all. The only down side is I can't go out to the pub or clubs with her at the moment because my Brother doesn't want me there. Also she can't talk to me as much at home because he will get annoyed with her. That is very difficult for me to deal with because I love talking to her and she is so much fun when we go out together. My Brother also has to realise the role he's had in how my feelings have developed for her. I think any decent guy who was in my situation would develop feelings for her after they'd seen and heard the way she was being treated. I am human and I cannot control my feelings, only my actions.
I have always tried to do the decent thing and respect my Brother and I've always told her that I won't try anything on while they're still together. But to be honest I'm not sure I would say no if she made a move on me.
The problem is, these feelings are causing me a huge deal of stress, depression and frustration. I cannot function if I don't speak to her for more than a few hours. On top of that I want her to like me so much that I get paranoid that she is being funny with me if I detect the smallest change in attitude. Sometimes she says she'll call me or come round at lunch time from work and if she doesn't I get really upset and wondering what I'd done when there's always a good reason for it. Even if she hasn't promised to call me but she doesn't then I wonder why. We go through stages of texting and talking to each other all the time followed by stages where we're more quiet. I know this is normal in a friendship but any change gets me worried. I need to know what she is doing at all times and if I don't get invited when she goes out for whatever reason I get upset. I know I shouldn't expect that but I can't help reacting in that way. I must admit I have been having suicidal thoughts almost every day for the past few months. The frustration and upset just gets so difficult to deal with sometimes that it feels like there is no other way to be rid of them. The only thing that stops me is the possibility that maybe sometime in the future something could happen and I would miss that opportunity, and my human instinct for survival. Basically it's eating me alive.
I am not an arrogant person but I think I am a good guy and a good catch. I treat women with respect and I take care of all my friends. I have a good job and I am told I am fairly good looking. I don't get angry easily, I don't shout at people and I'm not violent. I am just very lonely and I need someone to love me.
I know that I should get over her and get my own girlfriend. But I am quite a shy person and simply don't speak to girls on a night out. I just stay in the group I am with. I don't have the confidence to do that. All my other girl friends who are single I simply don't feel attracted to even though some are quite pretty. I guess I am taking the hard road and playing the long game to wait for them to split up, even though it's causing me a lot of stress in the meantime. My nightmare scenario, though, is that they split up and she goes off with someone else because of the taboo of going with two brothers, especially after a long term relationship. I don't think I could handle that at all, it would be devastating. So for that reason I have to somehow drag myself out of this hole and the best way, logically, to do that is to move on and get a girlfriend. But how can I enter a relationship with someone when I love someone else? I would be thinking about her all the time, even in bed I would imagine it was her instead. It's not really fair on that person and I don't think it would ever work unless I fell in love with that person. I would also have a perverse feeling that I was cheating on my love for her by going out with other women. I think it is extremely unlikely I will ever love someone else this much. Nor do I want to.
I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just sounding off. I just feel like I'm hanging on the end of a very thin thread with nowhere to go.
The three of us live together in the same house. I have been attracted to her since we first met almost 3 years ago. We instantly got on very well and were comfortable with each other from the outset. But then they split up and we were distant up until about a year ago when she moved back in. I did object to this because I knew I fancied her and it might cause a problem, but my Brother ignored my objections (that wasn't the reason I gave though!). This attraction grew into a crush, and I first realised I was in love with her 5 months ago when something dramatic happened (see below). Despite everything that's happened and my strong feelings I have never made any moves on her, out of respect for my Brother. The closest we have got physically is holding hands on a couple of occasions when she was upset, and hugging, almost always initiated by her and almost always when we're drunk. But I feel we are very close emotionally. She tells me pretty much everything and she's said that she feels she can tell me more than any of her other friends. We are each other's best friends.
My Brother is often violent towards her and I have been forced to intervene on two occasions in which I felt her life was in imminent danger. The first time this happened is when I realised I was in love with her. Both times he turned on me when I got involved but I was able to defuse the situation and get him away from both of us. There isn't a night that goes by when I don't hear him shouting at her for no reason.
Now I know it is up to her to leave if she feels like it. I have encouraged her to do so, for her own sake, and so have her other friends. She won't, but I do feel that it is inevitable they will break up at some point. There has been an attitude change with her recently. She is learning that there is more to life than her boyfriend and is starting to make more friends of her own. Until recently all her friends were my Brother's friends. I think I'm the main reason she has been able to do this.
Three weeks ago I told her I love her, when we were both drunk. I had wanted to tell her for so long and I simply couldn't contain it anymore. I know it was inappropriate but I would probably have killed myself at that point otherwise. She responded by saying "I know you do" but said there was something about my Brother that made her stick around, but she wished he was more like me. We agreed we were good friends but she said that nothing could ever happen between us. Although that was difficult for me to hear it was correct, but I still hope she will change her mind when she splits up with him and gets some more perspective. She promised not to tell him but the next morning she went ahead and told him I'd said that. Pretty much everyone knew already but it just looks bad that I actually said it. I don't really know why she told him, but she has done similar things in the past and I should have expected it.
I know it is a cliche but I honestly believe she is the most beautiful, sexiest, funniest and exciting person in the world. I think about her every minute of the day. I see her face when I close my eyes and I dream about her. I haven't had any sexual thoughts about any other women for about 9 months now. I no longer fancy other women. I have had numerous opportunities with other women but have not even thought about taking them. I've had two beautiful single women sleeping in my bed but it didn't cross my mind. I can see if someone else is pretty but I'm unable think about them in a sexual way. And I know that I want to marry her and have kids with her, which is something I've always said I never really wanted. She is by no means perfect, she does have an edge to her personality, but that is what makes her so stimulating. She has changed me as a person and I feel incomplete without her. I feel she is the only one for me.
My Brother doesn't want to marry her or have kids with her, at least not at the moment. He fancies other women including one of her cousins, and has cheated on her at least once, and I suspect twice (with another of her cousins!). That's how I know that I love her and that my Brother doesn't, at least not as much. Some might say he is smart or entitled to not want kids or to marry right now but I believe, based on my own feelings, that if you are truly in love you would. I think 'love' comes on a sliding scale and it's possible to be more in love than someone else. Before I fell in love with her I really didn't understand how powerful and life changing love is. I believe this level of love I have for her must be very rare.
My Brother obviously doesn't like me much at the moment but to be honest I'm not that bothered. I am angry with him as well. He is violent and has a bad temper and I'm not going to tolerate any more violence from him. I told them both I will call the Police next time. He is also extremely arrogant. He said that I am jealous of him and I want his life. I am not jealous of him, I wouldn't want to be him at all. The only down side is I can't go out to the pub or clubs with her at the moment because my Brother doesn't want me there. Also she can't talk to me as much at home because he will get annoyed with her. That is very difficult for me to deal with because I love talking to her and she is so much fun when we go out together. My Brother also has to realise the role he's had in how my feelings have developed for her. I think any decent guy who was in my situation would develop feelings for her after they'd seen and heard the way she was being treated. I am human and I cannot control my feelings, only my actions.
I have always tried to do the decent thing and respect my Brother and I've always told her that I won't try anything on while they're still together. But to be honest I'm not sure I would say no if she made a move on me.
The problem is, these feelings are causing me a huge deal of stress, depression and frustration. I cannot function if I don't speak to her for more than a few hours. On top of that I want her to like me so much that I get paranoid that she is being funny with me if I detect the smallest change in attitude. Sometimes she says she'll call me or come round at lunch time from work and if she doesn't I get really upset and wondering what I'd done when there's always a good reason for it. Even if she hasn't promised to call me but she doesn't then I wonder why. We go through stages of texting and talking to each other all the time followed by stages where we're more quiet. I know this is normal in a friendship but any change gets me worried. I need to know what she is doing at all times and if I don't get invited when she goes out for whatever reason I get upset. I know I shouldn't expect that but I can't help reacting in that way. I must admit I have been having suicidal thoughts almost every day for the past few months. The frustration and upset just gets so difficult to deal with sometimes that it feels like there is no other way to be rid of them. The only thing that stops me is the possibility that maybe sometime in the future something could happen and I would miss that opportunity, and my human instinct for survival. Basically it's eating me alive.
I am not an arrogant person but I think I am a good guy and a good catch. I treat women with respect and I take care of all my friends. I have a good job and I am told I am fairly good looking. I don't get angry easily, I don't shout at people and I'm not violent. I am just very lonely and I need someone to love me.
I know that I should get over her and get my own girlfriend. But I am quite a shy person and simply don't speak to girls on a night out. I just stay in the group I am with. I don't have the confidence to do that. All my other girl friends who are single I simply don't feel attracted to even though some are quite pretty. I guess I am taking the hard road and playing the long game to wait for them to split up, even though it's causing me a lot of stress in the meantime. My nightmare scenario, though, is that they split up and she goes off with someone else because of the taboo of going with two brothers, especially after a long term relationship. I don't think I could handle that at all, it would be devastating. So for that reason I have to somehow drag myself out of this hole and the best way, logically, to do that is to move on and get a girlfriend. But how can I enter a relationship with someone when I love someone else? I would be thinking about her all the time, even in bed I would imagine it was her instead. It's not really fair on that person and I don't think it would ever work unless I fell in love with that person. I would also have a perverse feeling that I was cheating on my love for her by going out with other women. I think it is extremely unlikely I will ever love someone else this much. Nor do I want to.
I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just sounding off. I just feel like I'm hanging on the end of a very thin thread with nowhere to go.
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Comments
sticky situation there amigo- couple of questions ( sorry if u already answered these in your thread but its too long to reread)-
do you still live with her and your brother? if so, id get out IMMEDEATELY... living in such close proximity would kill you and make your poor little heart ache all the time.. even if youre NOT living together then you still seem to see her a lot or communicate with her a lot, and this also does nothing for you- it fucks with your head- every time you see her youre thinking how much you love her and how you want to be with her, at the moment shes with your brother so nothing's going on with you two- why put yourself through the torture of 'what if' every time you speak to her.
second question- you keep saying that you should move on and 'get a girlfriend' and you 'need a girlfriend'- why? not everyone has to be in a relationship all the time, especially if youre as much in love with someone as you are, it fucks up your head even worse. If youre talking about a rebound or a shag then go for it if it would help, but dont think you HAVE to have a girlfriend- give yourself time to breathe, to get your head together and to mend your heart.
i would tell this girl how you feel- not when youre drunk, when youre alone and its a good moment. i would tell her how much you loved her, and that you feel your brother treats her like shit and you care so much about her, so she definitely knows, you are there.
if possible i would also try and mend things with your brother. what you feel would be unforgivable to some people so he has a right to be angry. but maybe you should just be honest? tell him the score and put the ball in his court, and even if it all goes tits up at least you can know you did the right thing and tried.
i think your mental health is deteriorating and that youre getting desperate and obsessive( believe me ive been there and i know its hard not to be) but i personally think the whole situation is fucked up. i would strongly advise detatching from it all- not see her, not see your brother, get away or stay with a mate for a good while. it sounds like a tall order but if you were away from everything for a while you could really clear your head up by not seeing her all the time, and more importantly think about the effect it would have on her.
maybe theres a possibility that she sort of subconsciously knows she already has you- shes in the security blanket of a long term relationship but youre already there if it goes wrong. now im not saying shes spiteful or scheming, it just might be a subconscious thing.
if you went away for ages, she'd probably miss you. she'd think about the reality of her relationship with your brother and how much she values you. it would probably give her time to clear her head too. if she realised she loved you back, she'd tell you.
if youve told her and him your feelings and done the right thing, then if its meant to be, it will be. now of course not everything will live happily ever after with you marrying her and your brother the best man, beaming away... it looks like you'd have to lose one or the other if she chose you.
im glad youve taken into account the fact that it might not just be a choice between your brother or you. if she just went to someone else then that truly would be gutting and would take a long while to get over, but then at least you wouldnt be living your life wondering if you could be with her.
if you cant be with her- if she choses your brother or doesnt love you or goes with someone else or just cant make up her mind, then you just have to try your best to get over her. dont see her for as long as possible and time should heal it- a part of you will probably never get over her but theres a chance you could meet someone else you love just as much.
but you cant go on the way you are you'll become extremely depressed and thats no way to live..
you sound pretty down already, which is why ive taken the time to reply. sorry its so long and maybe a bit controversial in places but there u go.
good luck, PM any time.x
You are right that I should move out. Unfortunately I run a business from home and from a practical standpoint it is impossible. At the very least it would severely strain me financially. I am still looking into it though. From an emotional POV I would be very lonely living on my own as well. I don't really have anyone I can go and live with.
I do feel like I actually need a girlfriend now. A year ago I was quite happy with my single life, but falling in love has changed me completely. I am not just depressed that I can't have her but because I am very lonely and need someone. I've realised that there's much more to life than what I had before.
Also picking up on your other point, I think maybe if I got a girlfriend it will show her that I can't wait for her forever. She did say to me once that she would be very jealous when I get a girlfriend because she knows I will treat her properly. But I don't want to use anyone in a game against her. I will genuinely give another girl a chance and treat her properly. So it'd have to be a special person for me to go out with them.
I have been thinking for a while that she feels no need to make any drastic changes to her relationships because she knows I love her and she also has my Brother. She has me for the emotional aspects of the relationship and him for the physical, and for creating arguments. I think you are right that if I suddenly wasn't there for her to chat to and cry on my shoulder all the time she would miss it. I think it would be just as effective in that sense as if I moved out. But it would be very hard for me and also a big gamble. I could alienate her.
We have talked about it a bit when we're sober but I haven't explained just how much I love her. She knows I care about her and I want her and I don't like the way she is treated. I just need to find the right time to talk to her properly. Also I feel awkward talking about it when I'm sober. It's a bit difficult because it's not often we get to talk while my Brother isn't there, and most of the time it's when we're on a night out.
I do feel I am gaining more perspective as time goes by. I'm open to going out and chatting up girls now, which I plan to start doing this week. My sister said she will help me. Some days are better than others though. We haven't spoken one word to each other today which is weird. Our best friend got a new job today so I'd have expected there to be a mention of that between us. We probably won't see each other much for a few days now. She did want me to go out with them for a drink on Wednesday to make up with my Brother but I doubt it'll happen. It's up to them, I have other plans if not. All I know is whenever she goes away for a few days on a training course or whatever, I miss her terribly and I want to call her or her to call me. Last week she went to stay at her Mum's for the whole week and it was unbearable.
Sometimes it feels like she's not bothered if she doesn't speak to me, but for example a couple of months ago I stopped talking to her altogether for a few days because she had upset me, but after a couple of days she kept texting me long apologetic messages and I gave in, even though I didn't fully believe the reasoning. Since then she hasn't uttered a bad word about me or said anything nasty. So I know it does start to bother her.
So I think I'll try to limit my contact with her as much as possible and start talking to other girls when I go out. Maybe I will even meet someone nice without so much baggage.
*HUGE HUGS* i know this probs wont help right now, but give it time..perhaps this is the distance you needed to try and get over her?