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On a break with my bf...confused
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 5 months now, and although we get on really well when we're not arguing (lol), we do have quite a lot of arguments - mostly petty rows that are over in minutes, but a few more serious ones where one of us says "its over". That usually only lasts a day or so and we work it out again, though.
Anyway over the past couple of weeks I've had a problem; I've been hitting my boyfriend. It's when we're arguing, and for a split second I'll think "I've got to make him end it" (no idea why, could be my insecurities), so I'll push him, or slap him on the arm or across the head. It's not hard enough to mark him, although I have inflicted bruises on his leg once when I kicked him, but that doesn't make it any better, I know that.
He's always forgiven me, but yesterday evening I hit him again - he's a bus driver and I leant over when he'd parked at a bus stop (no one around, he was on a break) and we were arguing, and slapped him and pulled his hair. It wasnt very hard because he was quite far away, but I know I shouldnt have done it. He seemed ok at first, angry but then he calmed down and said he wanted to be with me still. I was going to my dad's house that night to stay overnight, and he said he'd pick me up the next day.
Next morning I phoned him and he said he wasn't coming over, and that he wanted a day away from me, to go out with his mates and have a think.
I went over to his house today to collect a few more bits of stuff from his house and he acted like he hated me - he'd told his brother what had happened and he had a go at me in the street, then my boyfriend kept saying he couldnt take it anymore and didnt want to be near me. I was trying to hold him (can't help it, gut reaction) and he burst into tears, saying he felt like he was going mad through it all. I feel so bad for hurting him, am sure I'm not going to do it again and I'm desperate for him to take me back.
My boyfriend calmed down after a bit, and we talked a lot - we were getting on well and he said he does still love and want me, would "take you back anytime" but still needs a break. I agreed to stay at my dad's house while he gets his head together (which is where I am now), but the thing is he didn't say how long the break is going to be, which gets me worrying that it'll end up being permanent. When I asked him, all he said was it might not even be a week (thats the length of time his sister suggested), but we just have to let nature take its course - whatever that means!
I'm not sure whether to text him tomorrow (in the evening or something) to see if we can get a timeline sorted...kind of, or ask if he's ok, or what. I don't want to crowd him and make things worse.
He didn't say we definitely won't get back together, but I'm panicking slightly.
Any advice? Please
Anyway over the past couple of weeks I've had a problem; I've been hitting my boyfriend. It's when we're arguing, and for a split second I'll think "I've got to make him end it" (no idea why, could be my insecurities), so I'll push him, or slap him on the arm or across the head. It's not hard enough to mark him, although I have inflicted bruises on his leg once when I kicked him, but that doesn't make it any better, I know that.
He's always forgiven me, but yesterday evening I hit him again - he's a bus driver and I leant over when he'd parked at a bus stop (no one around, he was on a break) and we were arguing, and slapped him and pulled his hair. It wasnt very hard because he was quite far away, but I know I shouldnt have done it. He seemed ok at first, angry but then he calmed down and said he wanted to be with me still. I was going to my dad's house that night to stay overnight, and he said he'd pick me up the next day.
Next morning I phoned him and he said he wasn't coming over, and that he wanted a day away from me, to go out with his mates and have a think.
I went over to his house today to collect a few more bits of stuff from his house and he acted like he hated me - he'd told his brother what had happened and he had a go at me in the street, then my boyfriend kept saying he couldnt take it anymore and didnt want to be near me. I was trying to hold him (can't help it, gut reaction) and he burst into tears, saying he felt like he was going mad through it all. I feel so bad for hurting him, am sure I'm not going to do it again and I'm desperate for him to take me back.
My boyfriend calmed down after a bit, and we talked a lot - we were getting on well and he said he does still love and want me, would "take you back anytime" but still needs a break. I agreed to stay at my dad's house while he gets his head together (which is where I am now), but the thing is he didn't say how long the break is going to be, which gets me worrying that it'll end up being permanent. When I asked him, all he said was it might not even be a week (thats the length of time his sister suggested), but we just have to let nature take its course - whatever that means!
I'm not sure whether to text him tomorrow (in the evening or something) to see if we can get a timeline sorted...kind of, or ask if he's ok, or what. I don't want to crowd him and make things worse.
He didn't say we definitely won't get back together, but I'm panicking slightly.
Any advice? Please
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Comments
I do totally agree with this, and I am going to change, if he decides he wants me back.
not too sure what you mean by that, we've been together for 5 months, mostly happily - we only decided to take a break this afternoon.
You either want to be a bully, or you don't. The basis for the answer should not be whether or not you get back with the guy.
It's far better to battle with your tongue - you're far more likely to find the real answer. Plus you may find it more rewarding than pulling hair and hitting people - it doesn't really get the point across very well
Happy new year!
I've never been like this with anyone else but I am going to work on my temper (had one all my life, usually just verbal fieryness though, never violence). At the moment though all I can think about is getting my boyfriend back. Fell more for him than I ever have for anyone else, but I don't think he's going to take me back...got a horrible feeling in my gut.
How long should I leave it before contacting him? I need to know where I stand and how long he wants this break to last
I live with him so it's so hard for me, I've been kicked out of my home. Plus he's got my pet rats over there and I can't ask him to look after them for too long.
I also work in his town so will be catching his bus home some nights during the next week or so - can't help it as he's a bus driver and his bus is the only one back to where I'm living now.
It sounds like your boyfriend really cares for you but is unsure whether or not he can trust you to not physically hurt him again.
Perhaps rather than concentrating on whether he will come back to you, it might be wise to think of ways to reassure him that it won't happen again. Afterall it's easy enough to say: "I won't hurt you again" but how do you actually intend to manage your anger? If you show him that you are really serious about getting through this then he may feel more secure about coming back to you, and the chances are that you will move forward rather than get stuck in a rut.
You might want to consider counselling as a way to talk in confidence about what might trigger your attacks. Alternatively, you might find it helps just to read over some articles on possible triggers such as anxiety
It's also really important to keep the communication going so after you feel your boyfriend has had the space he has requested, perhaps organise to meet up to talk things through in a calm, uninterrupted environment.
I hope things work out for you - good luck
I do want more than anything to show him that I'm going to change, just couldn't think of ways to do it, so I'll check out the links you posted.
Thaks for pointing me in the right direction.
You said his sister suggested a week long break. Why is his sister getting involved? This is between the two of you.
If he had pulled your hair and slapped you would you take him back? Even if the answer is 'yes' I'm sure you'd have to have a damn hard think about it. If it were the other way around and you came on the boards telling us you had been hit by your partner I'm sure you appreciate that most people would tell you to dump him and move on.
The thing is, he's saying that although he regrets what he did that time and in no way condones it, his was an isolated incident but I've slapped him 4 or 5 times (which is true).
His sister got involved yesterday, because I went to his house to pick up a bit more of my stuff (he wasnt expecting me to come out, I probably should have warned him in advance) and he wouldn't let me in without a member of his family there. He told me later on that it had been because he didn't want me accusing him of doing anything to me (which I wouldn't have done anyway), or me hitting him again (which I also wouldn't have done). So his sister came over, and she was great - she didnt judge or have a go at me, she just asked what had happened, listened and actually came out with some good advice...that we should take this break, but my bf needs to talk it through with me at some point, once the dust has settled.
The only thing that worries me at the moment, is that a lot of people know my boyfriend - he's lived in the town all his life and has a huge family in the area. When I went into the local pub to see him yesterday (he'd been out drinking with his friends for a few hours), his brother and sister-in-law had a go at me, with his brother screaming that I was a slag (bit unfair to use that word, but I understand he was angry, and he did have reason to be), then the barmaid had a bit of a go as well! His mum won't speak to me either, saying she wants to keep out of it. So even if my bf does take me back and we try and give things another go - and I get counselling to prove to him that I'm serious about changing things - I'll still be 'hated' by most of the town! That's what I'm dreading...will they really let him be with me? I know he's a grown man and he says he won't let his family make his decisions for him, but I'm dreading having to try and convince them that I am the 'nice girl' they thought I was before all this happened, and that I do love him more than anything. I'm going to try my best to prove it to them, but I don't see how I can do it.
I'm just not sure how to prove to my boyfriend that I'm going to change.
First of all he said I could stay, but had to make sure no one (meaning his family and friends) found out. Then he said it would be better if I didn't stay over as "no one would be very impressed" but said he'd pick me up in the morning in his car, and drive me over to keep my appointment. I said ok and waited in the house while he went to get his car, then as he came in he said "stay". I said it'd be ok, and that I would have made my own way over here in the morning anyway, and he said "no, just stay. It's easier, honest".
So I did. He's a bus driver and was going to get into Rugeley (the town he lives in) at 8.50 and 9pm. I decided to write a little note explaining my feelings and how mixed up I am over how he feels, then go and meet him at 8.50pm to give it to him. I figured that way, he could read it on his next break at 9.20 and then when he got home at 10 he could discuss the note with me or whatever. Anyway I got on the bus, gave him the note and said I was going to go. He said "come with me", I said I didnt want to but he asked me again saying I might as well, so I did. When were chatting like normal the whole time, then when we got back into Rugeley I was about to get off again, when he asked if I was coming to Stafford (where his shift finishes). I ended up going with him because I thought he wanted me there, then he drove us home after his shift. All this time we'd been getting on really well. I was kind of keeping out of his way when we got in, and ended up going to bed at about 2am - but not after I'd tried to talk to him about his feelings. It's so frustrating when all I'm getting from him is "I don't know how I feel", and I'm supposed to wait around indefinitely. In my mind, after 4 days (ok so he only actually had 1 full day without seeing me...) he should have made up his mind about whether he still has feelings or not or at least be on his way to sorting his head out, surely?
He ended up getting annoyed, saying he was tired and that he definitely didn't have any feelings for me. I said we should split now, and he said ok. Stupidly I panicked and asked him if he was sure - then asked him to come back to me (I have no dignity left). He said "I can't...not yet". Which got me wondering again! :-S
This morning I asked him if he meant what he'd said the previous night and he said yes. I went to my appointment and when I came back I said "so it's over then?". He said "it won't work". I asked him what he meant and all he'd say was that he'd thought about it overnight and came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work between us. I asked if it was because his family would make it difficult if we got back together, or if it wouldn't work because he didn't want it to/didn't have enough feelings. He said it could be both - he said he still had a "tiny amount" of feelings, but not as much as he had before.
I said I wasn't going to wait around forever if he couldn't give me a straight answer, and told him that I was going to move away on thursday (true...I'm going to stay with my sister). He said I should do it to get a break - and when I said it wouldn't be just a break and I was going for good he just said "go then!" I asked if he'd miss me and he said of course he would.
I couldn't leave it - I was trying to get a definite answer out of him, because I felt that he either doesn't want to be with me and is stringing me along to get a bit of an ego-boost out of me 'begging' to be with him (which I'm not, but that's probably how it comes across), or he does have feelings but doesn't want to admit it, for whatever reason.
I asked if he was definitely sure we were splitting and he said yes, because it just wouldnt work. So I said I'd move my stuff out right then, and he agreed. I put my stuff in the car (I'd packed it all the day before) and as we drove off he said he wasn't pleased about it, but "we need a break". I didn't understand why he kept saying that; either you want a break or you want to split up, and he wasn't telling me which one it was. I know I should have ended it myself, but I was worried that if I did that, he might decide he wanted me back after a while and it would be too late. Stupid, I know.
So I'm at my dad's now. In the car on the way over here we chatted a bit, and he said it seemed like I was pressuring him for an answer, we hadn't had a proper break so he hadn't been able to think properly. When I asked him again, he said he didn't have any feelings but thought they might come back (impossible IMO), then kissed my cheek when I'd taken my stuff out of the car. I asked what he wanted me to do with the rats (my pet rats are at his place) and he shouted "I don't know...I can't think at the moment!" so I let him go.
I sent him a text message about 30 minutes ago, giving him my number (I'd deleted it but when I got out of the car asked if he wanted it back, then he told me to text it to him) and saying "I know we've split up. I think the reason you said you weren't sure was to spare my feelings - if you genuinely aren't sure then fair enough, but if you're just trying to spare my feelings just tell me now once and for all. Don't worry about hurting me." He didn't reply.
I'd say it's pretty obvious that this was his way of letting me down gently and in his mind, we are definitely split up - am I right, or could he actually genuinely be unsure of his feelings?
Please help x
I'm about 4 days late which has happened before, but suddenly got a feeling to go and get a tests...and it came out positive! :eek:
Before the break, me and my boyfriend had been trying for a baby, but it never happened. Talk about the right thing at the wrong time!
Phil's been convinced I'm pregnant for days and it was only last night that he asked me if I'd use his surname if I was pregnant (weird question I thought, but hey)
Obviously I can't tell him yet, but how long do I leave it?
I know he'll be there for me and the baby even if we're not together, but I don't want to screw his head up even more. Or worse still, have him decide to try and make a go of things just because I'm having his baby...
This appears to be really really familiar with me....
Couldn't get on under my other username, thought I mentioned that in my first post?
*edit: just checked, I didn't - sorry*
Magic Emma, I was planning on leaving it at least a couple of days so he can get his head together, but I'm worried that whenever I tell him it might make things worse for him. If we got back together and then I told him that would be great, but if we didn't and I told him I was pregnant, it might make him think he's got to get back with me for the baby's sake. I don't think that would happen, because I know he'd support the baby even if we weren't together - but it's still a worry.
When I get in from work and take a chill pill I'll be back, but my head is spinning right now.
It sounds like you are both two violent fruitloops batting around in a little glass bottle, and neither of you seem to want to stop. I hope you're not pregnant.
we were planning a child because we were happy - I know when you're on the outside and only hearing one person's account of all the bad stuff that's happened then it's easy to think the entire relationship has been a roller coaster ride of emotions and general crap! But it hasn't.
I did end up phoning Phil, simply because the baby's his and I don't think his head's as fucked up as he makes out - turns out I was probably right as the first thing he said was "so you're not going down to your sister's then?" (I was supposed to be going down there for a few days; she lives in Devon), followed by "if you need a lift to the doctor's let me know".
I phoned him a bit later to ask if I could get that lift, and he seemed really off with me. I'm not sure what the typical male reaction to a pregnancy would be if you're on a break at the time (so if anyone can help out with that, feel free) but he's seeming a bit of a dick at the moment.
And Kermit - I'm pretty sure we are splitting up. I said to Phil "at least you've got your reason to finish with me for good now" and he told me not to say things like that....but it's true.
His reaction wasn't the best.