If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Options
Rough Times with the GF
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi all,
So, the relationship of 16 months has been going fine up until about a month ago... She's been acting very short with me at times, and she's been having trouble with friends and such, and she has said it hasn't been to do with me. It's just her being stressed.
With this going on, it's been taking a toll on our relationship, and getting me annoyed with her. She says she thinks she has been short with me, because she wants to be with her friends, rather than me at times. (As she never gets to hang out with her friends, and if they can't do anything, it's usually hanging out with me.)
Tonight, she asked me how I thought the relationship was going. We felt the same, as it hasn't been feeling the same at all for the last couple months. (It was amazing before...) She said it's been kind of boring, too monotonous, the same all the time, which is true. I just am not sure how to change it, things are definitely becoming routine and losing their feeling.
We talked for a bit, she said she wasn't sure if she was falling out of love, or what exactly was going on. We both decided that maybe we should see each other a little less, (We see each other 4 to 6 times a week lately.) which hopefully will make us appreciate our time a bit more, and give us both more time with our friends. (More like once or twice a week)
We both said how we felt, and neither of us want it to end, it ended up with us both crying, and then she oddly went and bought me candy to try to cheer me up. But now I'm not sure what to think, I feel like I'm stuck, because neither of us want it to end, but we're both feeling like it's nearing the end, and I want to somehow keep it going...and hopefully get everything back to normal.... I just don't know how...
Any help would be appreciated...I guess this is more of a vent, but I definitely could use some input... (And what is worse, is this is the first time I've cried in about 8 years, and I do it in front of her...bah...)
:banghead:
So, the relationship of 16 months has been going fine up until about a month ago... She's been acting very short with me at times, and she's been having trouble with friends and such, and she has said it hasn't been to do with me. It's just her being stressed.
With this going on, it's been taking a toll on our relationship, and getting me annoyed with her. She says she thinks she has been short with me, because she wants to be with her friends, rather than me at times. (As she never gets to hang out with her friends, and if they can't do anything, it's usually hanging out with me.)
Tonight, she asked me how I thought the relationship was going. We felt the same, as it hasn't been feeling the same at all for the last couple months. (It was amazing before...) She said it's been kind of boring, too monotonous, the same all the time, which is true. I just am not sure how to change it, things are definitely becoming routine and losing their feeling.
We talked for a bit, she said she wasn't sure if she was falling out of love, or what exactly was going on. We both decided that maybe we should see each other a little less, (We see each other 4 to 6 times a week lately.) which hopefully will make us appreciate our time a bit more, and give us both more time with our friends. (More like once or twice a week)
We both said how we felt, and neither of us want it to end, it ended up with us both crying, and then she oddly went and bought me candy to try to cheer me up. But now I'm not sure what to think, I feel like I'm stuck, because neither of us want it to end, but we're both feeling like it's nearing the end, and I want to somehow keep it going...and hopefully get everything back to normal.... I just don't know how...
Any help would be appreciated...I guess this is more of a vent, but I definitely could use some input... (And what is worse, is this is the first time I've cried in about 8 years, and I do it in front of her...bah...)
:banghead:
0
Comments
You just have to live it through I'm afraid - there's no easy way out. Just try to be honest with yourself and what you feel, and remember that just satying together because it was once good can be really draining on both of you in the end. But if it's a worthwhile relationship then you've got it give it the most I guess and hope for the best. Remeber also that this isn't only about you 'fixing' the relationship - she has to have her heart set on it as well. You can't do the work on your own.
Hope you feel better Satai.
Relationships go through tough times, and yours will be no exception, and it is very hard to keep the spark there whilst life gets in the way. You don't say so but your post reads like your gf is very lonely; its easy to believe that changing something in your life will make your probelms go away, and a relationship is a prime candidate for being changed.
If you want to make a go at it then just try and get out of the routine- go away for a dirty weekend or something like that- and take every day as it comes. Feelings of boredom or not having sex can be worked through, though it obviously does take effort. A lot of it depends on you and your gf and whether you are both willing and able to put the effort in.
We've been talking through text a bit today, and she said she had a horrible dream that I broke up with her, and that she had a bit of a 'freak out' this morning...so I think that might be hope that she doesn't want it to end for sure.
I've been thinking about it myself today, and I definitely don't think I want it to end either... I love her... alot more than what I realized... I think it's a case of not knowing what you have till it's almost gone.
Kermit makes a good point with her being lonely, I know she is. I hate it, I wish she had some close friends to be a 'girl' with, which she doesn't really have right now. I know her parents aren't that great to her either, so I've pretty much been the only person she can talk to about anything. I guess after awhile I can see it taking a toll on her.
The more I think about it, I realize that maybe she has been putting effort in moreso than I realized. A few weeks ago, she randomly showed up at my house and brought me hot chocolate, and took me for a walk in the park. Another day she took me out to eat, and another day gave me a stuffed bear.
Maybe she was -trying- to fix it, and I just didn't think of it at the time... I think I will try to do a few things differently, although it will be tough... We're both very busy, with work and school, but I guess I'll just have to make the best of what I can.
Thanks...and any additional input would be -amazing- right now, I could really use all the input I can get.
(And a special thanks to everyone here on the boards, I've surfed quite a bit, and it's helped me through alot of tough times, even if I don't post very often.)
If you know that there are problems then you're half way to solving them, you know you need to do something, and the desire to do something is there.
Relationships don't always stay in the honeymoon stage, they require constant care, and sometimes things do get a bit boring and routine. It's important to try and break the routine before it gets too bad, go and do something spontaneous, even if its just something as small as bringing her some flowers and chocolates home with you. Cook her a meal, go away for the day, go away for the weekend, depending on budget. Just do something different that shows that you care for her.
Really all I can suggest is to take every day at once, don't try and do anything too different, but just make an effort to be together rather than merely in the same room.
It sounds to me like life is getting in the way, as life sometimes does, and that with effort you can get back to how you were. You're busy and tired and she's tired and lonely, it takes its toll on relationships, don't think you're a failure for letting it. Just try and take a timeout from it all and be together.
All I'm saying is that people get confused about what they want when they've been in a relationship so long they've forgot what it's like to not be in one. You just need to, as Kermit said, do different things so you realise what the relationship means to you both.
Its really important to have seperate experiences when in a relationship, from my experience you need to be spending a significant time apart with different people (ie friends) but obviously this is a problem if she doesnt have any.
Don't any of your male friends have girlfriends that you could introduce?
I saw her tonight, she keeps saying sorry, and I ask her why, and she simply replies that she feels like she has done something wrong, and that there's alot of things she wish she would have done different...
I don't know what it means exactly... but right now, I'm just trying to re-assure her that I want us to be together, and also try the 'significant time apart' idea.
And unfortunately, -all- of my friends are single. As wierd as that is, they had girlfriends in the past, in fact, my best friend's girlfriend was actually my girlfriend's best friend...but then she broke up with him, and went to a different college and so obviously they don't talk much anymore.
It's true, I have been her only source of social interactions basically for a good two or three months. It's really sad, I don't know why she's having these problems, but I'm sure that's most of it.
But I don't know, I feel like she is either not telling me something, or really isn't in love anymore. I don't know, it just feels wierd now... I asked her what was wrong, and she just said she was 'confused' right now... *shrug*
Again, thanks so much for the replies... I'm having some major problems with dealing with this today. I had a presentation for a final, and I bombed it because I kept thinking about the situation... *sigh*
Just be supportive, make an effort, and I think things will turn around. Relationships don't exist in a vacuum, and if there's a problem in life it will impact on your relationship.
But, she seems to be doing better, and I talked to her a bit about it, and things seemed to have come out a bit wrong with what she said.
I'm sure I'll be back with even -more- questions...
but thanks again all for the replies...-very- appreciated... :thumb:
We are talking a bit more, getting along better, were even flirting yesterday...and had a little kissing on the stairs. :chin:
But, I'm definitely noticing some oddness...
Firstly, she used to text goodnight to me even after we had talked on the phone... and I've also noticed, she hasn't said 'I love you' since I first posted...but she has typed it on a email. I've said it in a voicemail, but she never returned the favor. I think I'll just stop saying it till she says it first.
Today, I also invited her to do something tonight, which she said she would think about, and then a bit later called me to tell me she was going to her friend's instead.
I'm not mad about it, because I know that's her main problem is not hanging out with friends, but it still depresses me. I remember the days, when I would call, and she'd jump at the chance to be with me...*sigh*
Maybe I'm just reading into things too much, but I just have an underlying feeling something is up, even if we did seem to get along really well today and yesterday... (Only talked to her today though, no visiting)
But I took her to a concert last night as a surprise, and she said it was the best night ever, and that she loved me 'sooo much...
So, hopefully things are getting a bit back to normal...
We'll see.... Thanks all!
But I think I have a problem...
Ever since it happened, things have been great between us, but I keep feeling like she isn't into me, and is thinking about breaking up with me, pretty much I think about it every night now. Even though she isn't showing any signs of it at all, in fact, she's going almost the complete opposite way.
I can't get away from it, I've tried not to worry about it, but I just keep feeling like it's just a temp fix, and that she'll pretty soon say that it's over or isn't even wanting to be with me...
Should I just talk to her about it, and hope it makes me feel better, or try to let it run it's course and get itself out of my mind?
Any help is appreciated...I don't know why I am thinking like this...
Yes, she might leave you in the future, you might leave her in the future, but worry about that when it comes, if you concentrate too much on that now one of you will definitely leave.