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Why Christmas makes me hate myself
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Every year I appear to become more disenchanted with my biological father.
Oddly enough, he's too busy to spend any time with me, his only daughter who is working hard in university, who he didn't phone on her birthday because obviously a text would suffice :rolleyes: , piece of shit probably wouldn't have even told me about my cousin's birthday if I hadn't already got an invitation in the post.
He phoned me saying he was going to drop off some presents from my auntie for us... Yeah fucking thanks Dad, so you go and visit relatives, probaby taking the monster with you and don't even tell us. Now I think my Mum is going to be too ill to go to my cousin's party and that means I'll have to go with Dad and his partner...
I swear she's evil... But she doesn't scare me, she can tear my eyes out and that wouldn't scare me as much as what I would do to her if she rubbed me the wrong way.
Christmas makes me hate myself because at this time of year my resentment boils to the surface, despite all the therapy I've had in the past. Not so much jealousy, but anger and sadness... I want to cry right now, but I won't because I don't believe I should be allowed to cry.
Christmas means the prospect of being around the monster, worried she will try and touch me or make digs at me and worried that my very long fuse will come to its end and... I'll hurt her.
Christmas means feeling like a bitch for being angry at my father, when I have so many blessings...
I just want to escape right now, or maybe I should cut my father off.
I hate being vulnerable in any manner and maybe a final goodbye would be the best way to sweep an issue under the carpet.
Oddly enough, he's too busy to spend any time with me, his only daughter who is working hard in university, who he didn't phone on her birthday because obviously a text would suffice :rolleyes: , piece of shit probably wouldn't have even told me about my cousin's birthday if I hadn't already got an invitation in the post.
He phoned me saying he was going to drop off some presents from my auntie for us... Yeah fucking thanks Dad, so you go and visit relatives, probaby taking the monster with you and don't even tell us. Now I think my Mum is going to be too ill to go to my cousin's party and that means I'll have to go with Dad and his partner...
I swear she's evil... But she doesn't scare me, she can tear my eyes out and that wouldn't scare me as much as what I would do to her if she rubbed me the wrong way.
Christmas makes me hate myself because at this time of year my resentment boils to the surface, despite all the therapy I've had in the past. Not so much jealousy, but anger and sadness... I want to cry right now, but I won't because I don't believe I should be allowed to cry.
Christmas means the prospect of being around the monster, worried she will try and touch me or make digs at me and worried that my very long fuse will come to its end and... I'll hurt her.
Christmas means feeling like a bitch for being angry at my father, when I have so many blessings...
I just want to escape right now, or maybe I should cut my father off.
I hate being vulnerable in any manner and maybe a final goodbye would be the best way to sweep an issue under the carpet.
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Comments
if its any consolation i hate xmas too.
Hey MoonRat, not quite sure what to say, except for you have every right to cry, and it's amazing how just letting go can sometimes make you feel much better.
If you do end up going to your cousins party, perhaps arrange to see some friends afterwards so you can make excuses to leave early if you need to?
Also, don't be afraid to stand up to "the monster" if she makes digs at you, just be polite but firm. That way you can walk away with the upper hand.
I hope the good outweighs the bad this Christmas and you have a lovely time with your Mum. Take care x
Try to never forget what you're worth.
Hugs.
You're right, but it isn't easy... See, she's always the victim and very manipulative. Used to get angry if Dad saw us... I mean it really wouldn't surprise me if she were a psychopath, there's something seriously wrong with her. She's tried to make us kiss her feet before, she told me I'm too fat and if I wore a swimming costume on holiday people would laugh when I was a kid... She told my brother that he was giving my Dad heart problems or something fucked...
The fact is that I try and be a good person, but my emotions revolving around this issue make me less so because it brings out my bad side... I yelled at my brother today, that isn't like me.
Anger is destructive, it can tear you apart, it wears you down. It distorts the world around you, it changes your personality, it's like a storm where the waves beat at a cliff and errode it.
But how to conquer anger?
Do some crazy thing to conquer it, take up something. I normally kick something, go for a swim or a long walk. Or do this :banghead: :crazyeyes Hope you have a great day tomorrow!