Home Sex & Relationships
Need support urgently? Head to this thread.

Using?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I'm not sure if this should be in sex or in relationships...

So today my girlfriend and I were having sex. Typical drill... I was about to cum and stopped, telling her that it was about to happen. She told me to continue. The entire time I had heard nothing from her, no noises and no irregular breathing which I usually associate with good feelings, and no flat out "that feels good"s. Now usually when I cum, I keep pounding away, to attempt to have her reach orgasm too, but this time I didn't because I didn't think she was anywhere near reaching orgasm, and it's hard for me to keep pounding away. I had an exceptionally good orgasm, which I associated to me not trying as hard to get her orgasm to happen when she asked if it was good. Now I'm all of a sudden "using" her she says. Because I "gave up and didn't care." After sex today she just laid there and stared at the ceiling. I drove back to my house, which took an hour, and felt terrible the whole way home. I feel bad because she thinks I used her. I don't think I used her, but I'm not really sure :(. If you were the girl in this... What would you feel? I don't think I'd even be analyzing it the way she is, but I suppose I'm biased. Any words of wisdom?
Thanks,
killing

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have a feeling I may be alone in this, but I don't think me (as a female) orgasming is the most important thing. If I don't and he does, thats fine. To me, I enjoy that the man enjoys himself and thats the most important part to me. I think sex is a give and take thing. Sometimes I give, sometimes I take. Sometime he orgasams, sometime he doesnt and vice versa. Its just about having fun and making sure the other is enjoying it. I don't want to say anything wrong about your girlfriend, but in my mind, sex isn't all about the end result.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I aagree with my_name. The orgasm isn't the only part of sex. I think you can enjoy it without coming. Obviously thats an amazing part of it but it is about give and take. I dont feel like i've been used if he comes and i dont, and vice versa, sometimes it just doesn't happen, it doesn't make it any less good though. I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and find out why she feels this way...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think that 'one swallow does not to make a summer'. On this one occassion, you got more out of the sex than she did. Life's like that. It happens. If you are considering her needs 99% of the time, you're doing pretty well on any scale.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think she shold show some signs of enjoyment whilst you are both making love, maybe then you'd know to carry on or if she is or isn't enjoying it. Tell her this
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You obviously care about her, else you wouldn't be beating yourself up about the idea that you might have been using her. I don't think you are because obviously you feel bad,and if you were using her you probably wouldn't give a shit.

    I think you need to talk to her to be honest. As the others have said, orgasm isn't the primary aspect to sex, enjoying it is and getting a grump on when you didn't coming, and have shown no signs of even enjoying the sex isn't fair really as how are you meant to know when she let's you finish and doesn't respond at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I never orgasm during sex, I don't mind at all, but my boyfriend always makes me come a different way before/afterwards. She really needs to tell you what she wants rather than just moaning about it...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    well, you did stop and see if she was ok, and she told you to continue so she can hardly moan much now, although it does seem like it was fairly obvious she wasnt as much in the mood as you were. That doesnt mean you were using her though.
    If I were you id wait till she initiates it next time just to be on the safe side.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    To me, this is fairly obvious.

    You said it yourself... You were going along, she showed no signs of enjoyment. You told her you were gonna cum and went pounding away and that was that.

    Would you enjoy it if you were her!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

    In all seriousness, and i dont want to sound harsh here, but it sounds to me like she isnt enjoying it as much as you are, for one reason or another, i doubt its your technique, but rather the emotional side.
    Sounds to me like she has something on her mind and isnt up for it as much as you are...

    How long you been together?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think you need to talk to her about it, but if sex isnt making her orgasm maybe next you could try other things afterwards for her, i dont always orgasm during sex but my boyfriend mostly makes sure i do some other way.
    It sounds like maybe theres something on her mind thats troubleing her you should talk to her find out why she wasnt enjoying it as much as normal it, like jayjay620 said maybe its an emotional thing.
    it really doesnt sound like you are using her though you seem to really care.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think if you say sorry she'll forgive you
    i think i probably would feel slightly used but i think thats normal after sex and your emotions are everywhere i find
    just try and make it up to her and don't use sex as an apology! buy her flowers or somthing sweet
    good luck x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    We've been together 3+ years. We've never gotten her to orgasm, and we've been trying. She, at the end of it, exclaimed how mine was unusually good, and i replied it was better because i didn't focus on making hers happen. I think this is a wording issue and miscommunication, she however thinks otherwise. I don't know how to convince her otherwise either without saying sorry. We're both really stubborn which makes apologies really hard. If I say sorry, she'll constantly call me "Mr. Selfish" for a while and tell me that she was right. Me saying sorry, in her head, means that I am agreeing that I did use her, which was NOT the intension of my action. If I don't say sorry, which I honestly don't feel the need to do (my stubbornness:sour: ), she'll never get over it.
    jayjay620 wrote:
    To me, this is fairly obvious.

    You said it yourself... You were going along, she showed no signs of enjoyment. You told her you were gonna cum and went pounding away and that was that.

    Would you enjoy it if you were her!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!

    In all seriousness, and i dont want to sound harsh here, but it sounds to me like she isnt enjoying it as much as you are, for one reason or another, i doubt its your technique, but rather the emotional side.
    Sounds to me like she has something on her mind and isnt up for it as much as you are...

    How long you been together?

    I wasn't pounding away to cum, I usually pound through my orgasm, so keep her stimulation up so she can hopefully reach orgasm. I know she doesn't enjoy it as much as I do. I can't figure it out though. I don't suggest sex really ever. She always asks. I don't expect it. She hasn't gotten anything out of it so far except for pain and worries. So I'm really not pushing her into it. I've tried to give her oral a few times, but she doesn't like that whole set-up. Sex has always been like this for us. I mean we're young so we're still experimenting.

    She isn't upset that I didn't get her to orgasm, as said by the first few posters. She's mad because she thinks I stopped trying to better my experience.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i think its pathetic shes saying youre 'using' her. you obviously care about her which you probably tell her ( if you havent then do so).
    shes probably very frustrated that she hasnt reached orgasm but sometimes that can be the problem which is hard to explain... but youre not a fucking mindreader and no one else is either- she should tell you or show you what she wants but laying there like a corpse and expecting you to hit the magic button and make her O wont do anything will it?

    she used the wrong word- ''using''- youre not pleasuring her properly or she feels emotionally neglected or something but youre not using her. you drove her all the way home right afterwards and seem like a nice guy who cares. i think a 'user' is someone who goes bangbangbang then fucks off or acts like a twat apart from when theyre about to get sex.

    i just think you should communicate better.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds to me like she has some unresolved issues in her head about sex in general.
  • littlemissylittlemissy knit chick Posts: 9,972
    It sounds to me like she has some unresolved issues in her head about sex in general.

    That's what I thought whilst reading this.

    You need to discuss your feelings and ask her what she feels / thinks. Ask her what she wants to happen - get her to tell you what feels good and what doesn't. Don't just treat her like an object (not that I'm saying you are, btw) but sex is a two way thing. If she's not orgasmed in your three years together then it sounds like she isn't completely confident in the bedroom. If she has issues you need to work them out together.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I do care about her very deeply. I agree with you Scarlet (minus the pathetic part). I just need to get her to understand what I'm thinking. I think it'll go something like this:
    I'm sorry about yesterday, it didn't work out the way it should have. sex should bring us closer, not to a fight. I've been trying to get you to orgasm since we've started, you know that's a priority of mine. I know you haven't particularly enjoyed sex, but you still always want to try and progress, which I admire a lot. I think we need to work on our communication, because that is what I think this all comes down to. I can't know what you feel if you don't tell me. I tried getting a rough idea through your expressions, but that apparently doesn't work. By doing what I did, I did not mean I was giving up on you. I didn't stop to make my thing better. I've thought about this all day. It really bothers me that an act of love is resulting in this. So, I'm sorry about what happened, and it won't happen again.

    Is that ok? I don't really know how to say sorry without saying I was using her.

    EDIT: What could these unresolved issues about sex be? I mean, we both lost our virginities to eachother, and had a relatively innocent sex life before eachother, so it's really a work in progress on all fronts.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think what you're planning to say is fine, the most important thing when talking to someone is to feel like you've gotten your thoughts throught to them. That said, I do think you're taking a little more blame than is fair - especially by the 'it won't happen again part'.

    I think you really need to make clear that if you did get more pleasure out of this time, it was accidental. You weren't planning on it, it's just the way it turned out. If it had been intentional, then maybe it could be said you used her - but it wasn't the case. Tell her you're really sorry she felt used, but don't assume the responsibility of having provoked those feelings - cause it isn't. It's a thin line of difference, but its important I think.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    mate i dont mean to sound harsh here at all, and i know i dont know you or her or anything,

    but it sounds to me like she's losing interest at some point

    You gotta talk to her
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, I said it, we talked, everything is fine again. We both make fights/arguments a lot worse than they should be, sadly, this happens every few months. Once someone steps up to the plate and apologizes, the other also apologizes and it's all over with. We don't have a very strong foundation due to my extensive drug past and lying nature, so I also proposed we work on that. We thought we should put sex and all that stuff aside, and focus on our friendship and trust. We're best friends, don't get me wrong, but I think it'd be easier to right my wrongs on a friend level and then work back up to the girlfriend/boyfriend level. We're still dating, just taking away the things that have proven to complicate it. Does that sound ok?

    Thanks you guys, I know I'm a pain :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Can i just ask, what part does she play in not only stimulating you but also trying to reach orgasm herself? It takes two to have sex (or sometimes three lol) and both partners need to be trying to reach the ultimate O. Does she lie there and expect you to do all the work, or does she try to help herself? When i'm having sex i adjust my hips, wrap my legs around, push my hips forwards, maybe even get on top to control the speed and pressure. I am in control of my own pleasure and very rarely ever not orgasm. Most of the times i hit my g-spot and have between 2-5 orgasms. My man loves it and our sex life is great. She needs to be in control a little more. I know from a past relationship that having a man on top of me "pounding away" not only hurts me, but is a complete turn off. That was untill i started to take some control back.
Sign In or Register to comment.